Personality Test

OK, I bit.

Others that I read are taking this test so in the interest of peer pressure and a mild curiosity I took the test too. I was not suprised. Mostly I think I'm a bit of an ass. I have waited so long because I am a bit schizophrenic. On one day I can take it and answer questions that if taken on the previous day would be answered differently. So here is what I am today. Right this minute. I am a:



I wish I were less introverted, and leaned more toward the feeling, intuitive and perceiving side. I never like myself very much when I realize this. I don't know how my outgoing, feeling, intutive and perceiving friends and Husband put up with me. But it is raining outside today and so it fits the mood.

Faith With Her Sleeves Rolled Up

I love reading others' thoughts. You never know where Father will feed you from next.

I got this piece from a blogger that I am reading - Redemption Junkie. Heidi Renee got it from a blogger named Max Hsu. I don't know who he is and have never been to his site (except for this post) but these two paragraphs have captured something in my heart the past few days that have kept me coming back to read it again and again. I am assuming that he wrote it. He writes:

Eventually we will walk into the light

Hope and faith seem related, but faith is the one who stays when hope has left with a whimper. When hope gives up, faith rolls up her sleeves and asks; " What needs to be done?". Faith is the strong one. Faith does not have the luxury of self pity and despondent despair. Faith is what makes us put pen to paper when we feel like we have nothing left to say and there is no ink in our proverbial pen. Faith pushes on when hope flees. Doubt is hope's other face and who knows what face will show up because hope and doubt are flip sides of an emotion.

Faith is knowledge and action and faith remembers that we've seen hard times before and that in those hard times our needs were met and the water flowed and we had what we needed when we needed it. Faith knows what hope forgets. Faith is what enables us to become more than we are because faith is belief in action. Faith and courage are the true cousins. While we may doubt that we can cross the desert, faith knows that we can take the step we need to take today and that with enough steps, eventually we will walk into the light.

Create and live in faith.

I just love the words that when hope gives up, faith rolls up her sleeves and asks: "What needs to be done."

Another blogger was talking about faith on his blog the other day (John Carnes - Notes From the Journey) He was discussing the passage where Jesus was rebuking the disciples for their lack of faith. He points out that it was in response to their question to Jesus of, "Teacher don't you care that we drown?" that Jesus tells them they have little faith. Could it have been Jesus saying to them, "Don't you even have enough faith to know that I care for you?" (I have always understood it to mean that Jesus was ticked that they did not have enough faith to calm the waves and perform the miraculous - things that I usually suck at and thus felt guilty for not having enough faith.....sigh....it was such hard work being 'church lady')

So when I see the words that Faith says - "What needs to be done?" I realize that much of her job is to help me walk into the light that Father really does care for me - even amidst the waves and uncertainty of this life.

And maybe, if I absolutely know that He loves me - no matter what - I will maybe even - sometimes - be able to rest in this love and perform the miraculous.

Endings

Today I closed down my personal Blog.

It was a blog that I had first opened when in my CLB. Many women and surprisingly a few of the guys were regular readers as I explored what it meant to live in Jesus. It was like personal devotional of what I was learning each day. When we left our church a few months ago my posts got fewer and farther between. I just could not write about all that I was learning because to do so would maybe disrupt husbands and wives from walking in unity with each other. My beliefs are so different now that I could not "teach" these new things to those who would not even come to speak to me.

So I ended it. It feels as if a part of me has died today. My only hope is that God will one day restore the relationships that once were.

Here is what I posted about two weeks ago to close the site.

This will be my last post on this blogpage – __________. I will keep this message up for a few weeks and then close the site down.

I started it while still a leader at (CLB). Unless you just happened to stumble across this small pebble of a blog spot, you knew me at (CLB). About 3 months ago we made our decision to leave the church. Believe me it was not an easy decision. I/we cried for months. We kept asking God for wisdom and the ability to stay. Instead we believe He moved us out. We were called to take a different path than what _____ and _____ believed they were to take.

We had wanted to sit down with each person – those of you who were reading this site -and give a better explanation and affirm that we still loved you with all our hearts and wanted an ongoing relationship with you but after the public meeting that was held we did not feel the freedom to do that.

I feel that in writing on this blog and having you read it – without having a face to face relationship with me- is not right. If you don’t believe you can have a real relationship with me then you should not be reading what I am thinking and feeling and learning.

So I am asking you for a few things. If you wish to follow the journey that God is taking Husband and I on, please at least email me and ask for the new site that I will be blogging on. That is the least amount of contact that I would desire.

If you want a real relationship with me and are wondering why I have not contacted you, please understand that we don’t want to cross any lines of trying to “deceive” you as has been publicly stated or putting you into the place where you are uncomfortable with my contact. Therefore I think I will leave it up to you to contact me. Know this. Those of you who have lived in my house and have been part of my family in various ways, I want your friendship still. I never changed. I only made a decision of who I was to follow. In that I did not choose ____ or ____ should not interrupt our friendship. We would still desire a relationship with them and their family.

Also realize that if we are truly being shunned in any way by you and your family, this is behavior befitting a cult – Not truly grace filled, brotherly love kind of behavior. I ask you to think hard about this.

I realize that you may have somehow come to believe that we did not want to have contact with you. That is not true and is easily confirmed anytime you wish to visit with us. At least come to yell at us. Something. Anything. This is ridiculous. We have not sinned to the point of someone refusing to fellowship with us. Check your Bible. If you are hurt, please talk to us. We never meant this to hurt you. We fully expected to be able to sit down and talk this through like adults.

Just know this – We will always welcome you into our hearts, arms and home. If it is a day, a week, a month or even years. Goodbye from ___________. I hope to talk to you soon.

Another nail in the coffin, Huh?

The Good Fruit of NOT Tithing

Here is something that I did not expect today.

I was grateful for my washer and dryer. Let me explain.

It has only been a few months since I researched tithing in the Bible and began to believe that it just wasn’t in the New Testament and even when it is in the Old Testament, did not represent anything like what I have always been taught. (Read this for an excellent study on the subject.)

I had been taught and taught myself many things about the tithe. (This could be actually included in the meme from last week about Things I Learned in Church that Didn’t Prove True and What I am Learning Lately.) We believed some of the following:

1. God loves cheerful givers. But those that don’t cheerfully tithe – he is not happy with.
2. If we don’t give God our 10% off the top of our income, he will actually take more than that. Things would break, unforeseen bills would pile up, health would be affected, etc.
3. If we gave more than 10% (offerings) we could expect GREAT blessings financially. We could expect God to bless our things from not breaking down, our health to be better and those extra financial burdens to disappear.
4. If you were having a hard time financially – you needed to look at your giving record to see what the problem was. God was true to his promise so it must be something you were doing wrong.
5. More giving actually obligated God to back his promise up. He owed you!
6. You could judge people’s giving by how their finances looked without ever knowing what was really going on. If they looked to be poor or struggling – they probably needed counseling on their giving.


Oh. My. God. How could I have swallowed all of that. Even writing it out makes me ill. (It is interesting, so much of these beliefs happened by direct teaching but others happened because of someone’s “testimony”. Doctrine and practice was shaped without ever backing up anything in Scripture.)

Anyway, yesterday I was standing in front of my washer and dryer. (I have a large family and so there is not one piece of equipment in my house that I probably need more except for running water and toilets that flush).

It was then that I realized that God was not obligated to me to give me anything. The fact that my washer and dryer work and were not broken was just a gift for the moment to me. I was not paying God off financially to give me a better life. He didn’t owe me anything. I had not brought my “tithes into the storehouse” this month and yet God still loved me. The washer and dryer working had NOTHING to do with how much I gave or didn’t give God. (Explains why all those Heathens have working washer and dryers. Always wondered about that.)

I never understood my attitude toward God was that of those who have to pay the police under the table to protect them. Here, I owe Father a huge debt for the love he gives me and what he did on the cross with Jesus, but he is not like an unrighteous loan shark that is coming after me to smash my car in with a baseball bat and break Husband’s knees if we don’t pay up. I realized that I could no longer have the attitude that I could pay God off to protect my stuff. God was not to be bought with my tithes and offerings!

Now you would think that this would produce fear in me as now God could not be controlled. But no, instead it produced gratefulness for what he has given me and a deep seated trust that if they did break down or things start going wrong or bills piling up, it would not be an indication of God’s love for me or my supposed lack of obedience to him. We could walk in relationship – responding to each other even as I may have to go to the laundry mat for my 11 loads a week. Conversely, if good things are experienced by me – like a working washer and dryer – I am just sooooo grateful for all he gives me.

Not tithing produced gratefulness.

Not tithing produced relationship.

Not tithing produced sanity.

This looks like good fruit to me.

Wineskins-In Response to the Wine

I have a guest writer today. This couple is wonderful. They are wonderful because 1. They have forgiven me for the abuse that I helped to perpetuate while they were here at our CLB and 2) They are just wonderful people. Did I mention that they are wonderful?

Anyway, God is teaching them much about the Kingdom. I wanted you all to read what he wrote about wineskins the other day on his blog. The insights he has on this topic were truly freeing. I hope he keeps writing.

He writes:

My wife and I have been now to about 20 churches in the last year. And to be honest, there have been very few that we have felt did church right. Last Sunday we left our normal church – which is a great church but not super exciting per se – to visit the slickest, most produced church I have ever been to. It was the one of the rare times recently that I have heard real quality musicianship at church, but everything else – from the 20 minute offering talk in which the pastors wife sounded like she was addressing toddlers, “now smile everybody, because God loves a cheerful giver” to the multiple book plugs in the middle of the sermon - was quite disturbing.

That night I had a dream in which I saw a crowd of people wearing goatskins over their clothing and all heading in one direction – so many that they began to look like a herd of animals because of the skins. It was the people of God in mass trying to get God to bless them in the manner of Jacob, by deception and by disguise rather than as sons and daughters. (I admit I was recently listening to Jason Upton talking about Jacob and Esau). The message was: God is not blind, such that he will fall for our disguises. At the same time, he is no respecter of persons and he does not withhold his hand of blessing. Indeed he even blesses those who are disguising themselves, but it’s in spite not because of the disguise.

It’s easy for me to be very critical about the way a lot of churches are run and to think, “I would set things up much better than this.” And while I generally think God agrees with me :) I don’t think He gives the issues nearly as much weight as I do. That night I also heard God speaking about the idea of the “wineskin” (I remember thinking that the people wanted to use their goatskins as wineskins). Everyone is trying so hard to make sure that they have the perfect wineskin, especially in terms of church structure. I’m starting to lean towards the idea that the Bible is not exactly clear on what the ideal church structure is and that is so for a purpose: because church structure is not what He cares about, but rather the hearts of men willingly following Him. There are a few things that he clearly does not like – like lording authority over one another and everything that constitutes religion – but he has not prescribed the ideal ‘wineskin’ that is for all time.

In fact the whole passage in Matthew 9:14-17 (below) that introduced the ‘wineskin’ to church parlance was about originally Jesus’ response to why the disciples weren’t currently fasting. He says they do not fast now, but they will fast when the bridgegroom is taken away and backs this up with 2 examples, that of putting unshrunk cloth on an old garment and that of putting new wine in an old wineskin.

Matthew 9:14-17 – Then the disciples of John came to Him saying, “Why do we and the Pharisees fast often, but Your disciples do not fast?” And Jesus said to them, “Can the friends of the bridegroom mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? But the days will come when the bridegroom will be taken away from them, and then they will fast. No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”

Taking the approach that we should lend a lot of weight to the simplest, most obvious explanation of a scripture given its context, we would have to say that this talk of a wineskin is not referring to how a church should be structured or should operate but rather is a metaphor that captures why the disciples do not fast now but will fast later. The focus of the metaphor is not about containers, as cloth is not a container of anything. What is common to both metaphors is reading the situation and taking the appropriate measures given the situation: if you have an old cloth use an old patch, if you have new wine, use a new wineskin, and by extension if the bride groom is here don’t fast, but when he is gone then fast. To me the closest scripture that relates to this one is the reference to the Sons of Isaachar who discerned the times and knew what to do.

Now we can also infer from the passage that because it specifically mentions the disciples of John and the Pharisees fasting (both symbols of the old covenant, John being hailed as the greatest of that era), that Jesus may be using the wineskin metaphor to refer to the new covenant, whose wine had not yet been poured out – either by his blood at the cross or at Pentecost depending on your interpretation of what is the wine. In either case the context still seems to speak more to how our hearts respond to the new covenant than to the structure or organization of the church.

I do not deny that God often speaks from a passage beyond its original context so I won’t say that this passage cannot speak about the church, but one thing is clear in the passage: the wineskin is a response to the wine, not the wine to the wineskin. So whatever we want to apply this verse to, it cannot be changed to mean that we should prepare a new wineskin before the new wine comes. Rather, a straightforward reading of the passage indicates that we should choose the right response (wineskin or patch) to the season we are currently in.
In addition, Jesus does not mention that any time is spent designing the wineskin itself. I don’t think that wineskins were complex mechanisms. Jesus seems to indicate that they basically came in two versions: “new” and “old.” Our task is not to pick from a host of options or possible customizations: leather interior seems to be standard. Like many of his teachings, the choice He gives is binary: right or left, old or new, life or death. If he presents us with a new gift we must choose which will be our hearts response: receive it as something new, or try to fit it into the box we made yesterday; follow the lead of the Holy Spirit or repeat what we did before.

“If you build it, they will come,” is often quoted in churches though, perhaps surprisingly, these words do not from the Scriptures, but rather from Field of Dreams. The story of Noah would indicate that God can certainly work this way, so if you hear God whispering theses words, by all means get to the cornfield and start working. But the problem is often the one thing common to many churches throughout Christendom, from house churches to mega churches to virtual churches, is the idea that if they just can get the wineskin right they will get the new wine. Half these churches’ time is spent painstakingly perfecting their wineskin and the other half pondering how the other wineskins out there are getting old.

I am starting to believe that God cares a lot less than we do about whether a church has 50,000 people and a pastor with a botox smile on the cover of his new bestseller or a handful of homeschooling ex-Mennonites in a poorly decorated ranch house. While both of these thoughts make me cringe, He seems to have much more grace than I do and is pouring out wine without measure to whoever will come to Him thirsty. There are things that churches do that probably make Him go crazy. Particularly grieving must be when churches misrepresent His heart towards His people. But, for future church planters, I don’t think the answer is to focus on designing a better wineskin. I think it’s just to get better at wine tasting.

Missional/Emergent Verbage Pictorial

If you are interested in the whole emergent, missional mindset that many are speaking of and reading about and practicing in some segments of the church today, please link here to Emerging Grace's blog to see a pictorial of the verbage being used.

She captured it brilliantly if you ask me.

The site that she jumped off of which she links to is also interesting to get what the other side is saying are the weaknesses of the movement.

Drive By Random Doubting

For the past few days, actually a couple of weeks, I have been having “second thoughts” that on occasion blast through my mind and try to shake my peace. Like "drive by doubting." They drive by, blast their ideas into my mind and leave me with holes to mend. Those in our old church (CLB) would point their finger and say, “See, we told you they would start to come to their senses.” I don’t believe that though. I realize that doubts are not a bad thing. It is only harmful if you suppress those doubts and pretend like they don’t exist. I was an expert in this field just a mere 4 months ago.

I wanted to start and maintain this blog for one reason. I wanted to have another story out there where someone could happen upon it and realize that they were not alone – that someone else was going through something similar. This helped me so much in the first few months of leaving our CLB. The ones who went before me were so honest. Their honesty helped me – even when they posted about their doubts. So today is about doubting our decision. I hope it helps someone else know that it is part of this process…at least for me.

I don’t want anyone to think that once we made our decision, there were no other doubts or thoughts or emotions that wanted to call into question our decision. The truth, at least for me, is far from that. There are times when I wonder, “What in the heck did we just do?” “Are we crazy?”

Listed below are some of the thoughts I have encountered in the past few weeks in a messy and random stream as thoughts often are.

What did we just do to our lives?

I want everything to just go back to the way it was. I want lots and lots of friends. I want to feel useful. I want to be busy. I want to feel as if I belong.

How am I going to make any friends at all outside of going to a service at least once a week to meet people?

I am not helping anyone “build the Kingdom of God.” I am not doing anything significant.

Are my kids going to be ok? How will they have friends that are good for them?

I feel like I am just treading water. What should we do now?

Who are we going to invite to my daughters wedding next year? What once was to be a huge gathering of friends is whittled down to a few. They have known her all her life. We were to share these things.

I hate to call people on the phone. How am I ever going to connect with people without that one or two services a week?

It is coming up on 3 months and there are women I would love to talk to. Should I call them? Should I ask their permission to call them? What if they won’t talk to me or their husbands won’t let them talk to me?

Should we start to do something more “formal” for our family on Sundays? Sometimes I hate the “non-structure” of this whole time.

Should we visit other churches?

Why isn’t God saying something? Why isn’t He instantly filling our hands with stuff to do? Don’t we need to be ministering? Building?

Can you hear the panic start to rise?

Of course it only takes a few minutes before reasoning sets in.

I know I can’t go back. I don’t really want to. I know that in all those years of “building the Kingdom” what was really happening on my part was not really that. I know I could never fit in again. I can’t even listen to Christian radio without cringing sometimes. I can’t go back and not question. I can’t be one of the followers who doesn’t make waves. I know I am in a process of the Father. I know I need to wait right now. I really am ok.

But today, I wanted you to see that you were not alone in your doubts. I’m sure you will feel this way too sometimes. If you don’t – good for you. It must be nice to be you where truth triumphs over feelings.

I’m not that way - at least not yet.

In closing, can I share with you something that I read this morning? It is from Inward/Outward. It brings truth, which for the moment, brings peace and helps to heal up the holes.

Trust in the Slow Work of God
By Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are, quite naturally,

impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the wayto something unknown, something new,

and yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability - and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually - let them grow,

let them shape themselves,

without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on,

as though you could be today

what time (that is to say, grace and

circumstances acting on your own good will)

will make them tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of

feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

Midwives and Shepherds

1 Corinthians 4:1,2
Don’t imagine us leaders to be something we aren’t. We are servants of Christ, not his masters. We are guides into God’s most sublime secrets, not security guards posted to protect them.

This was what I read this morning in the Message. It reminded me of two conversations I had recently on leadership. One was not so much a conversation except that it is ongoing and I am continuing to read one blogger, Nakedpastor, with interest. He wrote a post the other day on being a shepherd. You can read it here. Made me stop and think, and at least, want to have a two way conversation with him. I would love to see what a church, run by a true shepherding approach, looks like over many years.

Anyway, he speaks of a very hands-off approach for taking care of his people. Not intervening much in what God is doing in their lives - mostly only there for simple things. Not making it all about him and his leadership but about them and their lives in Jesus, in community.

This brings me to my second conversation – a real one this time – with Best Friend. We were talking about a friend of ours who, when he was in our church, had a mental breakdown. It really shook his faith. We, in the church at that time, all had a plan of how to help him. It was a confusing time for all, I’m sure. I know the pastors really tried to do everything that they could. It seemed that this guy just could not pull it together or find a way to follow them out of his confusion. He got some medical help and stabilized but soon after left our church feeling like he had failed – failed God – failed leadership. Anyway, Best Friend still kept up the relationship with him and his family. (She never got the shunning memo.) They were just over to her house the other day and she told them that she wished they had been to my house for the 4th. The ability to be together and hang out without judgment was just what she thought he needed - no one trying to fix him and for him to have the opportunity to just be with us the way he was. To have people who would just be there with him and love him while he “labors” with his questions.

It was then, that the conversation switched to brilliance.

She started comparing her role as a midwife to that of a traditional doctor in a hospital. We, of course started seeing the parallels of midwife to shepherd and traditional doctor to that of our traditional pastors.

Some of her points about midwives and doctors were:

Midwife: Has a woman in labor about to have a baby
Dr.: Has a “patient” in labor about to have a baby

Midwife: Comes into your home. Makes herself at home in your place
Dr.: You check into his establishment. You have to conform to his place.

Midwife: Sees the birthing process as an incredibly naturally process – thus no need for invasive monitoring.
Dr.: Sees the birthing process as somewhat natural but also something to be carefully monitored for bad outcomes

Midwife: Comes alongside the birthing mother as a servant. One to help. Not one to direct.
Dr.: Immediately upon arrival at the institution, he starts to tell you what is needed. He is there to direct you and the whole birthing process.

Midwife: Tries as much as possible not to intervene. Only intervenes if there is true danger to the woman or baby.
Dr.: Intervenes as soon as you arrive - with monitors, IV’s, blood tests, etc.

Midwife: Allows the woman to find her own pace. BF said that once labor starts to really kick in, that is the time you really try to not intervene. If you just sit back and let the woman have her space, each woman will find her own rhythm. Each woman will be different. Some just lay quietly and breathe, some will walk the floor and keep their hands busy, some will try to distract themselves, others will internalize and deal with the pain that way. The key to what she was saying though is that each woman, if left alone, always finds her own rhythm that will get her through the hardest part.
Dr.: The ability for the patient to find her own pace is sometimes non-existent in an institutionalized hospital. There is so much intervention going on that the woman often cannot deal with the pain of labor and thus needs to resort to even more intervention.

Midwife: Assumes you will be fine and have a healthy baby – all on your own.Dr.: Assumes that he needs to protect you so that you will be ok and have a healthy baby.

Now, I have been told that statistically, midwives have far fewer complicated births than in the hospital. (Not the screwed up statistics that don’t allow for the fact that midwives, if they suspect a problem will send their patients to a hospital but just the normal births that happen in both places). BF wondered if some of the problems in an institution were caused by the institution that was there trying to prevent them. How many problems are caused by their intervention? I have asked myself the same question about institutional churches. Do we help to cause the problems that people have?

(Now before you start writing and assuming that I need to give doctors a break – please stop. I have had both. There were times that I needed a medical, traditional doctor desperately. They have saved my life and one of my children’s lives. I value them. So don’t go there. I’m not being unbalanced. They have their place.)

But do you see the parallels of the Doctor/traditional pastor and a Shepherd/Midwife?

Shepherd: Understands that this Christian life we are to live is a natural thing
Trad Pastor: Understands that this Christian life is fraught with pitfalls that he is to protect you from and needs to be constantly monitored for bad outcomes

Shepherd: Is there to come alongside you and walk with you through your journey. A servant – one to help – not to direct
Trad Pastor: Starts at the beginning with a plan, direction, and information about what you need to do to avoid every pitfall that “could” be out there. Heavy direction.

Shepherd: Tries his hardest not to intervene. Only intervenes at crucial periods.
Trad Pastor: Intervention is his middle name – if not his first.

Shepherd: Understands that each person in their walk with God will have to find their own rhythm. Does not think that everyone will look the same – especially in the hardest moments. Does not have a cookie cutter plan for discipleship.
Trad Pastor: Does not understand this at all. Has a dictated plan for everyone that usually looks like the plan that he has found to work for himself.

Shepherd: Assumes that you and God will have a great life together. Knows that it is a natural process and that he can relax and let the two of you work out almost everything.
Trad Pastor: Wants you to have a great life with God but assumes that he is the critical element in having that happen. With out them, you will not be able to navigate that life safely.

BF went on: Doctors have never seen a truly natural childbirth. They have no experience or training in it. They only know what they have been taught and what they have experienced. They only know all the bad things that can happen and how to prepare for and guard against them. (They also have a huge job making sure they are not sued).

But the same goes for the Traditional Pastor. He has probably never seen leadership done naturally. He has never had a Shepherd and was not trained to be one. As a doctor cannot imagine why anyone would want a natural childbirth at home with a midwife, a traditional pastor cannot imagine why anyone would want a natural Christian life outside his institution. Both have been trained to see all the bad stuff and how to prevent it. Neither have seen the other side.

So my theory is maybe we need both. Just as there is a time to go into the hospital to have a baby and take advantage of all there is to offer in truly desperate care measures, maybe we need some sort of traditional counseling people when there is truly a crisis in our spiritual lives. My proposal is though, that we should not have these people be shepherds. Let’s have the midwives/shepherds take care of the daily cares of the sheep and have the doctor/counselors be the ones to step in when there is a true crisis. One person could be both but he/she needs to understand that their primary role is that of a midwife/shepherd and not get the two confused.

A More Complete Picture

In my post of Sunday, the comments were so good. Two of them urged me to be careful to not dismiss the power of the resurrection, which is at work in us now. Husband and I talked about what I had written and what the article I had referenced said and he also was uncomfortable with the whole tone of it.

You are all so right. In re-reading the article in its totality there is an air of despair and futility that I actually do not feel. I get the point that the author was trying to make that Jesus does embrace our brokenness yet I am convinced that he longs to heal it. I have seen resurrection power in my life and in others around me. I am changed. I am being changed. In coming to a place of repentance – even here in this time that I am walking through in my life - that is changing me. It is healing me and transforming me. I have seen the victorious life. I have seen healing, wholeness, transformation, deliverance and salvation. Here in this life – now. I also live with brokenness but I do not want to celebrate the brokenness – I celebrate the Love that loves me when I am broken and longs to heal me. I celebrate not other’s brokenness but my ability through Jesus to love them even in that place and give them a hope that there really is a healer and one who desires to pull them close to himself. Those two are different.

I am bothered (in re-reading the piece) by his words that seem to give that changing power of the love of God a seeming second place. Yes, Jesus does embrace our brokenness but gently, by learning to lean into him, he also begins to heal it. Not every time. But scripture is replete with the heart of God being revealed to do this very thing.

I guess I have spent so much of my church life trying not to look broken and also not loving those who were broken, that it struck a chord of resonance in me. When that happens I tend to get tunnel vision. I state things too brashly. I make things too simple to get across my point. I become lopsided. And sometimes when Husband or someone else tries to point out what I am missing – I may get a bit prickly.

There is truth in so much of what we write but I need to be careful to examine things from all angles. I’m not very good at this. I often go off onto tangents that leave Husband fearing for my life. I don’t actually live that way for long but I’m sure it is scary.

Which is why I need others in my life. I posted one day on Mary’s blog that I think very linearly. Therefore I, in my attempt to get to a point, may miss some very important and crucial elements in the whole picture. Husband thinks circularly. He is more apt to see the bigger picture with all the fine details. Best Friend is also like this. You think God thought I needed others around me who were not like me? Duh……

So thanks to you who are commenting. Keep challenging me. Thank you, Husband. Your patience with me is amazing. I need to lean on you more.

Speaking of Brokenness

In my browsing today and in light of what I wrote the other day, (Good Enough To Lead?), please check out this article from The Internet Monk entitled, "When I Am Weak."

It will bring reality to your Sunday.

In case you don't have time to read the whole article, let me paste here a few paragraphs.

Indeed. Why are we, after all that confident talk of "new life," "new creation," "the power of God," "healing," "wisdom," "miracles," "the power of prayer," ...why are we so weak? Why do so many "good Christian people," turn out to be just like everyone else? Divorced. Depressed. Broken. Messed up. Full of pain and secrets. Addicted, needy and phony. I thought we were different.

It's remarkable, considering the tone of so many Christian sermons and messages, that any church has honest people show up at all. I can't imagine that any religion in the history of humanity has made as many clearly false claims and promises as evangelical Christians in their quest to say that Jesus makes us better people right now. With their constant promises of joy, power, contentment, healing, prosperity, purpose, better relationships, successful parenting and freedom from every kind of oppression and affliction, I wonder why more Christians aren't either being sued by the rest of humanity for lying or hauled off to a psych ward to be examined for serious delusions.

And later in the article,

We need our brokenness. We need to admit it and know it is the real, true stuff of our earthly journey in a fallen world. It's the cross on which Jesus meets us. It is the incarnation he takes up for us. It's what his hands touch when he holds us. Do you remember this story? It's often been told, but oh how true it is as a GOSPEL story (not a law story.) It is a Gospel story about Jesus and how I experience him in this "twisted" life.

In his book Mortal Lessons (Touchstone Books, 1987) physician Richard Selzer describes a scene in a hospital room after he had performed surgery on a young woman's face: I stand by the bed where the young woman lies . . . her face, postoperative . . . her mouth twisted in palsy . . . clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, one of the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. She will be that way from now on. I had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh, I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had cut this little nerve. Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to be in a world all their own in the evening lamplight . . . isolated from me . . .private.

Who are they? I ask myself . . . he and this wry mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously. The young woman speaks. "Will my mouth always be like this?" she asks. "Yes," I say, "it will. It is because the nerve was cut." She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles. "I like it," he says, "it's kind of cute." All at once I know who he is. I understand, and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with the divine. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers. . . to show her that their kiss still works.

This is who Jesus has always been. And if you think you are getting to be a great kisser or are looking desirable, I feel sorry for you. He wraps himself around our hurts, our brokenness and our ugly, ever-present sin. Those of you who want to draw big, dark lines between my humanity and my sin, go right ahead, but I'm not joining you. It's all ME. And I need Jesus so much to love me like I really am: brokenness, memories, wounds, sins, addictions, lies, death, fear....all of it. Take all it, Lord Jesus. If I don't present this broken, messed up person to Jesus, my faith is dishonest, and my understanding of it will become a way of continuing the ruse and pretense of being "good."

Good reading for a Sunday Morning - Especially for Church Lady.