Why Don't You Write Anymore?

A close friend asked me (again) the other day if I was going to write on my blog ever again.  I dodged the question and did not respond with anything of value to his question.  But I have thought on it a lot in the past few days.

Just this morning I read a post from a dear girl who is at a training camp on the other side of the world.  I think it is a YWAM training.  She was eloquently describing what she was learning and a bit about the teaching that she is participating in.

She described that she is in her 7th week at this camp.  Last week was on the Father's heart.  This week is on Lordship.  I found myself wondering how those teachers had the nerve and confidence to stand up in front of these young adults and help to shape their view of the Father.

And it finally struck me what my problem is with blogging my heart and thoughts now days.

I'm afraid I will be wrong.

See, for so long I was wrong about so much.  I was wrong about church life and practice.  I was wrong about not only my view of God but what I taught others.  I was wrong in part with how I raised my children.  I was wrong in how I manipulated each and every relationship I touched.

Previously, much of this blog was about deconstruction.  It was about pointing out where I and others were wrong.  It was about putting a stop to the abuse that I had participated in.  But very little of what I remember writing was about what I believe now.

See here is the problem.  For everything I believe there is someone to say that I am not seeing the whole picture.  For everything I think there is another way to think about it.  For every way to look at something there is another way to see it.  For every way that I look at scripture there is another theologian who disagrees.

Heck, I am afraid to say that broccoli is good for you because of the studies that I'm sure are out there that say it will kill you in some horrible way.  How then can I say that God is like this, or Jesus meant that or here is what I think Scripture says on this or I think you should raise your kids like this.

I find myself wondering how can I speak into a world that is so filled with everyone who knows for sure that they are right. (And they just might be)

And so my fear silences me.

But here is one thing about me that I know.  I HATE fear.  I loath it.  Whenever I see it I want it dead.  Whenever I sense fear in me I want to  conquer it.   It will not rule me.

Therefore I am going to write a bit here again.  Maybe I'll write about something I am learning.  Maybe I'll pass along something I'm reading.  But I'm not going to let myself be silenced out of fear that I am not completely, 100 percent right.

You are welcome to follow along again.  Or not.  I'm going to write for me.

 Conversations, as always are welcome.

I Can't Believe I Once Believed This Stuff!!

I just received a letter from a "prayer warrior" of a leading man in the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR). It seems that Mr. and Mrs Wagner (I think he refers to himself as the "presiding apostle") have been experiencing some severe health issues. Doris has had knee surgery and it has become repeatedly infected and Peter has some heart issues. My heart truly goes out to these people. I know how scary these kinds of issues are - even to the point they are life threatening. I wish no harm to these folks.

BUT - O MY GOD. The letter that just went out yesterday getting people to pray is so much sadder than their physical conditions. They are essentially calling people to fast and pray for 40 days for the Wagners. No problem there. But the reason for the fasting and praying is this:

"(We) feel strongly that the warfare that is coming against Peter and Doris is a very high level of warfare. Especially, since Peter has been pulled into the public eye concerning the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR). Consequently, there are pagan websites that are speaking about and against the Wagners and those associated with them and their stance on spiritual warfare. We are also all aware that we are in a season of "demonic high worship/holy days." (emphasis mine)

These people feel that the problems the Wagners are having are directly related to demons and people's curses. What an awful thing to believe. Essentially they are saying that your (our) God is not big enough to protect you (us). We now have to unpack our bag full of charms and trinkets to ward off the evil of these evil people. And just what is a "very high level" even supposed to mean? Can we just make this stuff up? I guess because of the "high position" that Mr. Wagner holds then it takes "high level of warfare" to come against him.

(Funny that I have not read that there may be sin in their lives because this is the accusation that many make against those outside of their group when we get sick or are in financial trouble. Did Peter and Doris repent of anything they could think of before they allowed hundreds of people to go without their breakfast for the 40 days? Or maybe they are out from under "covering!" That must be it because when we walked out of our last 'church' that is what was promised to us and we know that this "covering" is supposed to keep evil away - Right?)

This woman goes on to say :

It is obvious that we need to increase intercession for the Wagners during this crucial time. As the word of God clearly shares, "This kind will only come out by prayer and fasting."

So she takes a phrase out of the Bible (which I might add is disputed to be in the very original text itself) of Jesus casting out a demon that his followers were not having any luck with and applies it to this situation. Again, OMG!!

So they call as many people as can possible be rounded up (because we all know it is the numbers that will overcome this evil that has beset the Wagners) to pray against the demons that they have - or are being allowed to afflict them - or are in their general vicinity. At least the ones sent by those very evil pagans and their very evil pagan websites. See I told you we needed to rule and reign on those 7 mountains so our leaders can live a life of true health till they pass on into eternity through a non-sickness or non-accidental caused death.

Now I have been a bit tongue-in-cheek about this but truly I am aghast at what I used to live under, participate in and even teach. We have been called OUT OF FEAR based living. Where there is love there is no fear. Quit fearing the enemy that has been defeated and only has a hold on you if you believe his lies.

Pray for the Wagners - Yes. I believe in prayer. I believe in healing. But leave all the witchcraft to the "pagans" that you think are so evil. And while you are praying for the healing of Doris' knee and Peter's heart would you also pray that they and their followers quit living in fear and find the faith in the Father's care for them.

Jesus won didn't he? Can we act like it?

Covenant Breaking, Covering Doctrines and Hearing the Voices Again

Grace, at Kingdom Grace today, posted a bit about Covering and what people say when you have a string of bad things that happen to you. It was great fun in the comments as we poked fun at the doctrine and I chimed in with my few cents.

But this is a serious matter people. I still am reeling from this doctrine. I think it has been the hardest one to extract myself from.

See the other day I decided to do a piece on the practice we had in my old ‘church’ of making covenants. In leaving our group we were to have “broken covenant’ with all the people there. So I was going to write about what covenants are and aren’t and how this doctrine was used to keep people from questioning and leaving our group. I wanted to remember all that was preached so I went onto our old church website (now under a new name) and found the latest sermon on Covenants.

Sure enough there had been one preached in June of this year. As I listened I grew more and more disheartened. Covenant breakers were the evil that the Church needed to purge. They were the reason the harvest of souls were blocked. Those who broke covenant had marriages that had failed, children doing drugs and rebellion, insanity promised and the onslaught of homosexuality and other sins that attached themselves to you.

I knew what was being preached was garbage but then my weekend unfurled. I battled with a daughter over a decision that was going to hurt her – a decision that would have been harder to make had she surrounded herself with Christian friends. Then on Monday, TWO TRUCKS in my business broke down. One had the axle (or something connected to the wheels) actually fall out of the truck. Then an irate customer who was threatening to sue my company for something she perceived we had done. By the end of the day I was exhausted.

But more than that….I was hearing the voices again. “All this has happened because you are a covenant breaker.” “If you were in the ‘church’ you would be protected.” “God knows what you have been writing and thinking and talking with people about. You have talked ill of the brothers and therefore all these things are being allowed to happen.”

I was so mad at myself. I was ashamed to admit that I still heard these things in my head. I was flabbergasted that this man’s voice could silence the truth that I knew to be true.

So….no big ending here. I am more sane today. Best Friend spoke truth to me, Husband reminded me of times that were even worse – while still in the system, an adopted daughter laughed with me at myself, Grace’s post made me laugh too and another friend made me question what is still in my heart that I don’t really believe about God that shows itself when things like this happen.

I guess I just write to let you know that the journey takes a couple of steps backwards every now and then. I think that I’m not the only one who struggles so don’t despair when you find yourself having to deal with it again.

On The Subjects of Overcoming Fear and The Filling of the Holy Spirit - My Story

RobbyMac on his site the other day was talking about his first “charismatic” experience or when he sensed the Holy Spirit for the first time.  He challenged those who tend to call themselves post-charismatic to remember the days when it was all right and new.  He asks us for our stories of how we first became acquainted with and eager for the felt presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives.  I thought I would participate as it is a story that I would like to record for myself and my family.  It is long - sorry.  (I'm breaking my rule believing in short posts.)  If you want to read along, get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine :)

In this post I am going to touch on a lot of sensitive subjects.  Dispensationalism, Tongues, Demons, Deliverance and filling of the Holy Spirit.  I do not mean to alienate any one person.  The people who read here a very dear to me.   Today, I barely care what you think of those subjects.  I am more concerned if you love the Father and understand how He loves you.  I want to know if you are loving God with all your heart and soul and loving others.  So please just read the story and don’t get caught up in the theology of what I believed then or now.  It is my story.  I’m not embellishing.  It was real.  I don’t have chapter and verse for everything I just know what happened to me.  I do not wish to debate any of it.  I just hope it gives hope to someone who is tied up in the grips of Fear or wanting to know if the Holy Spirit can be felt in a tangible way.

I was raised in a fundamental Bible church.  We were there Sunday mornings for the gospel message, Sunday nights for the sermons on the End Times and Rapture and Wednesday nights for Choir practice, youth groups and the Old or New Testament Book studies - verse by verse.  It was there that I first heard about the “abuses” of the doctrine of the Holy Spirit.  Mostly we were taught that He was given at Pentecost with signs and wonders and tongues but God did not do all that stuff today.  We were in another dispensation.  Tongues were of the devil.  We were filled with the Holy Spirit at salvation and that’s all of Him that we would ever get or need.  

I want to mention here that I was raised with Fear.  My mom was fearful of everything.  She instilled early on that really bad things were lurking out there.  Mostly, we were not verbally taught this - we just caught it.  I was fearful as a child.  I would have visions of bad things happening to me, my sister or my parents.  I could “See” these things as if they were playing on TV.  God played into this too.  He was to be feared.  He might come back in the Rapture and I would not be taken.  He would cause me to be sick if I sinned.  My life was played out on a tightrope of trying not to be in his wrath or even bad graces.  I was afraid of hell.  Even though we were taught that we would not loose our salvation the church taught that God was not ever really happy with us. - At least that is my take on it.

Along in my 30’s we had gotten involved in a semi-charismatic expression of church.  We didn’t do all the ‘weird’ stuff but now we believed it existed.  The Vineyard was just coming to prominence and we studied the charismatic teachings of Wimber and Jack Deere.  

One thing our church  did believe in and practice was the ability to cast out demons.  We practiced on each other, cast out anything that sounded like it was of the enemy and generally, in my opinion, went way to far with this.  But it was exciting and every once in a while someone’s life truly seemed to be changed.

One night I was called in to help pray for a girl who had a diagnosed brain tumor.  She had severe vertigo and was going in to see the surgeon the next day.  The cat scan showed the tumor plainly.  The pastor of our little church plant/student work, my husband, and I all gathered that night to pray for this girl.  The pastor was leading the session, I was there for prayer support.  They wrestled with the demon that manifested for most of the evening.  Finally I got impatient with them and frustrated that nothing was happening.  Thinking that I could do a much better job, I broke in, grabbed her hands in mine and firmly commanded the spirit to come out of her in Jesus name.  

My hands tingled like they were shocked with electricity and my world spun.  I was knocked off balance and went to the floor.  She was elated as she felt something leave her.  I was panic stricken.  I had never felt anything remotely like this.  I was nauseous and dizzy from that moment on.  As you can imagine I was frightened out of my wits.  The guys prayed for me but the feelings did not subside.  We left that night and I stayed dizzy.

The story is very long from there.  The girl was healed as she asked the doctors to do one more cat scan before they operated.  The tumor was gone, she was no longer dizzy and even other unrelated symptoms like where she had been severely lactose intolerant before that night she now was completely healed.  We are friends to this day.

I was not ok.  I tried to find anyone who could help me. I called the charismatic churches in the area and no one believed my story.  They believed that Christians could not have a demon oppressing them as I described.  I just knew what had happened to me.  I prayed, I fasted, I asked forgiveness for every sin I ever committed.  I asked forgiveness from everyone I knew.  I was sure that some sin had allowed this to enter my body.  (To this day, I’m still not sure what allowed it  - and other than the Grace of God- probably just plain pride if I were to look at my life then)  I read the Bible during this time like it was a lifeline.  I felt that I was going to lose my mind.  I truly feared that I would end up on a psyche ward.  I refused to take meds for this because I KNEW when it had started and knew it was not a normal sickness.

It was during this time that the Spirit of God came to me in a real way that I will never forget.  I was laying on my bed one night.  I had finally gotten to the point where I was tired of being afraid.  I had told the enemy that he might be able to touch my body.  He was certainly able to mess with my life.  My fears of being good enough to win God’s protection had not worked.  So I drew a line in the sand and told the enemy that though he might be able to take everything away from me I was not going to EVER let him have my worship.  I would go down loving God and worshiping Him.  Nothing would deter me.  He could not win this one.  That was my last stand. 

 I then asked the Father to become as real to me as this presence that was tormenting me.  If it was real, then the Holy Spirit had to be just as real.  I told Him I wanted to feel him as real as I felt the dizziness.  

One night  soon after that prayer, I was lying in my bed and suddenly, for no reason at all, I was overcome with joy like I had NEVER experienced.  It was so tangible that it was like liquid honey but with bubbles as light as air.  Joy filled me up and spilled over.  I chose not wake Husband laying by my side.  I just stayed there with joy unspeakable telling Jesus how much I loved him over and over again.  I fell asleep that night in peace.

The next day I was worshiping to music and from out of nowhere a new language bubbled up from deep within me.  I had never heard ‘tongues’ ever spoken in my life.  But here I was joyfully babbling in a language that felt like I was a little girl pretending to speak a different language.  I could start and stop it.  It did not “take me over.”  It was my choice but again I felt that syrupy, bubbly, honey of joy and peace.  This language would become a solid rock for me in a world that was literally swirling in the days to come.

I wish I could say that the dizziness, fear and nausea disappeared that night that the Holy Spirit filled me.  It didn’t.  They were my constant companion.  But little by little I learned that I was not going to choose to be afraid.  In many ways it was like lifting weights.  I could only lift about 2 pounds to begin with and then only do 5 reps.  I could only weakly say to the fear and this thing that I lived with - I won’t be afraid of you.  But slowly, like in lifting weights, I could lift more.  I could command the dizziness to stop and it started to stop.  It would come back and I again would stand against it.  Over the course of a few years I would get so strong in my faith that it became easy.  I would tell it, “GO - GET OUT OF HERE!!”  And it would obey.  It was about a 8 year process.  It does not bother me today except every now and then when I share this story with someone a bit of dizziness threatens to come back.  I now simply scoff at it and throw it out as I would a stray mangy cat that jumped to my dining table.  

I tell this story for a few reasons.  

1) I HATE fear.  Fear of any kind is my personal enemy.  I want to encourage you not to live with it.  Even if it takes years to get its prongs out of you - battle it.  Fear is not normal.  God is bigger - you are stronger!  Peace is possible.  Talk to someone who is hardly ever fearful.  You can be like them.  

2) I truly believe that the enemy wanted to win this one.  BUT God had different plans.  He wanted me delivered from the fear that bound my heart and life.  He wanted me to war against fear.  It was the kindest thing that God has ever allowed me to go through.  It was the worst and best experience of my life.  He could have delivered me with the first persons that prayed for me.  He chose to let me battle this one myself with His help and thus allow me to be strengthened in a way that could not have come otherwise.  I trust His hand in my life with whatever he brings to my life.  God can take the worst of situations and use them for our good.

3)  I tell this story for one other reason.  The enemy played his hand out and to this day I would take a bullet to the head in defense that I KNOW there is a spirit realm.  This is not something taught in my doctrine classes.  This is a real knowledge that I know I know.  I may doubt greater things in my life.  I may doubt sometimes in the very Bible being inspired or infallible (I choose to believe this one).  I may doubt other things that I then choose to have faith to believe but this one thing I do not need faith for.  I know that the enemy is real and the Holy Spirit is just as real.  He is a comforter and he is my peace.  His presence can be felt.  He is real!

Starting All Over Again

Sometimes during this year I have noticed subtle changes like I posted here and here. On days like today though, I wonder if I’ve changed at all.

A former leader from my former church (he was one of the major leaders that left soon after we left) called me today. He is out of town a lot as he travels back and forth to China and Taiwan and it is not unusual for him to call and see if it is OK to just drop by for a warmed up cup of coffee and chat. Today he called to say he would like to come over and ask me a few questions about my blog.

I calmly said, “Sure, come on over,” but you need to know that this sent me into a tailspin.

“I wonder what he wants to talk to me about.”
“There is probably something that I said in a post that he has a problem with.”
“I wonder what it could be.”
“I’m sure he is coming to let me know how wrong I am somehow.”

(You see in my old church I was always afraid of being called before the leaders and having them find a “problem” with me or what I had done. I hated when they called and would not divulge what the meeting was going to be about.)

So I re-read my last few blogs to see if I could determine what the problem was going to be. I really think he would mostly agree with what I had written but my stomach was still in knots.

He arrived and after a quick update on his last trip he launched into his question. “I’m considering opening a blog and wondered if you could answer a few questions I have about doing that.”

HE WAS ASKING FOR MY HELP!!!

He wasn’t there to correct me. He wasn’t there because I was doing something wrong. He was not there to pass judgment on me. He was only there because he knew I had a blog, had a few people reading it and wondered how to start one, how you told people about it and if I had trouble with nasty commenters.

As he left I just laughed at myself. How long will it take before I can receive a call from a friend that I respect and not tear myself apart at how I am wrong and they are coming over to correct me?

Sigh…..

Free Falling In Life

Tracy at The Best Parts has a series on my favorite book (at the moment) Families Where Grace is in Place, by Jeff VanVonderen. Please go over and read the past few posts and then buy the book. It has been a paradigm shift for me as I re-evaluate my past parenting and marriage and what I want to become in the future.

One part of his book that still has me thinking is the whole idea of what and who we are on the inside and what and who we pack onto the outer core of ourselves that people see.

He addresses it like this (my paraphrase). You have two children. Both children do not really yet know that they are loved by Father (God). Both children are empty on the inside and long to be validated. They both long for belonging. They are both lost. But one child packs on “good behavior.” They get good grades, go to church, are the leader in their youth group, don’t smoke or drink, wear dress up clothes without screaming, and would never think of marriage outside another church kid. The other child packs on “bad behaviors.” They dress Goth, listen to the wrong kinds of music, hang out with “undesirables,” won’t play by any of your rules, bad grades and all the rest.

VanVonderen asks us, which child needs loved, needs God and needs to shed all the outer lining of their lives and become real to know Father in his Love and Grace? Both children are headed toward the same place of emptiness. One just looks better getting there. We are so much more at ease with the first child than we are with the second. (I realize that some of this is because the child with good behavior will not have to face the same consequences as the child with bad behavior.) But the point is – both children are empty inside and need love and need to know that Father loves them. Only then will the outer shell truly reflect who and what they are and healing will be able to happen.

I understand this. I even like this. But I hate living with this. Here’s how:

I feel like I have no measuring stick. No way to determine if my kids are doing well or not. No way to know how to accurately judge anyone else let alone know how to even judge my own heart. It is a free falling feeling with no base or ground. Only God really knows their heart or mine. I, on the other hand, have only the exterior to figure out how someone is doing and now I can’t use that measurement in the way I've been accustomed.

I can’t describe to you the sheer, unnerving frustration of not having any way to measure myself or others (Note: not that I'm saying it ever really worked). In my kids’ lives, if they were doing well – we basically left them alone and felt good about them and ourselves (but sometimes only to find out that they really weren’t doing well at all inside – where it counted). The child with bad behavior got the attention but only to attempt to get them to exchange bad behavior for good behavior. We knew only God could change their hearts but it did not make us stop trying to pack good behavior onto their outer self. I was still sure that right choices would produce a right heart. “Do right, Feel right,” was my motto.

But now that all “rules” are falling off - now that I am exploring walking with Grace, I find it unnerving to lack of a set of parameters to assure myself that all is well. How do I evaluate my own heart today? Am I OK? Should I be doing something more? Less? Am I learning to trust Him today? Should I pray for this or that? And how about my kids? How do I help them “walk with God?” For instance, how do I decide if a man is right for their lives? A year ago this man had a very, very narrow door to fit through to be deemed appropriate for my daughters. Now, what do I judge it by?

Being a Pharisee was so much easier. Now don’t start yelling…I know it wasn’t really but it did give a false sense of security that I found attractive and addicting. A false sense of security that I wrapped around myself with a sigh of relief. The law made me feel more secure. I knew what I had to do, I knew what others needed to do and I knew how to determine if we were winning or loosing.

Now that the false security blanket of Law and Rules is gone – it feels so…..out there. I’m free falling and I don’t have a clue. I hope the “Whoever” that packed my parachute was trustworthy and being particularly careful. He promised He would be. If not, there is going to be a terrible mess.

Picture from here. I loved that there was a community falling together. I think ultimately that is what everyone has been talking about the past few days.

Straw Man Arguments

In my wandering around the ‘net this week and reading about what people are saying about the meetings going on in Lakeland, Florida I have been again pulled through so many emotions as thoughts go whirling around in my head. At times I am ready to just give grace to all involved with a totally open hand and heart. At other times I’m ready to take out another add in the local newspaper and decry, “What the Hell are you all thinking!!”

Again my schizophrenia rears its ugly head.

But then I found an article the other day that made me realize at least to some extent why I am so affected by this whole subject.

The article can be found at here. It is entitled: The Holy Ghost Straw Men: Full Gospel Excuses For Error

While I don’t agree with the author in some of his arguments I do agree with his main point. There are seven main statements that we, in the Charismatic circles, have been taught over and over again to hide bad theology, bad practices and sometimes bad behavior and character. These “Straw Men Arguments” as the author calls them are the arguments that keep us quiet and in our seats and not questioning or thinking for ourselves.

Here are the arguments with just a bit of my own explanation of how they were used in the Charasmatic circles I was familiar with:

1) “We need a fresh word for today” Meaning the Bible was an old word and the fresh and new revealed word of today was really important. When it was brought up that it contradicted the Bible, the re-interpretation of the Bible began with criminal hermeneutics. The “fresh word” was what was important and those speaking it were not to be questioned.

2) “We are not bound by tradition” Religion was dead. Haughtiness reigned as the words were spoken and intoned that WE – those who have a clue – were not bound by yesterday’s traditions. Never mind that our own traditions were just as binding as any that we had left. If you questioned their practices or theology you were told that you were bound up in the old ways and not open to what God was doing now.

3) “God offends the mind to reveal the heart” While I believe that this is actually a true statement, those that wanted to used this against the sheep did so with a relish. ANY practice or any bad behavior on the part of the leaders could be excused because it was good to have our minds offended by the Holy Spirit. If the pastor yelled at you and lost his temper he could state that it was good for you and built character. If absolutely CRAZY things started happening and someone was taken aback or offended, this straw man was pulled out and oftentimes the reasoned explanations were glossed over with just a few words like these. It ultimately made you feel like God routinely needed to offend you because your heart was so blind and bad.

4) “Touch not the Anointed: Do his prophets no harm” I have already dealt with this in a few of my posts. It is the biggest straw man of the hierarchical type churches. We were told that even if the leaders were wrong, we would be saved from bad things happening to us because we were submitted.

5) “Judge not lest you be judged” While the myriad of verses that teach us to judge in and of our own right were forgotten, this one was given especially if we were questioning leadership. It is funny, they could judge us, proclaim our children to have a sexual spirit, tell us that we were full of pride, tell us our cars were dirty and needed to be washed, or hold us accountable for being rebellious but we did not have that privilege to do the same except over our own lives or those that they had put under us. Judgment always extended down in the pyramid – never up.

6) “Doctrine is just someone’s opinion” This one was used often especially if you had any formal training in the study of the Bible. Husband had his Masters of Divinity from Southwestern Seminary and our pastor did not have any formal training whatsoever. Maybe men like this are afraid but we were told early on that doctrine separates men where love and covenant keep them together. At first we saw the wisdom of that statement – who does not know of good friends splitting over minor doctrinal differences, but what we did not know is that doctrine was also not understood or honored in any way. This led to various teachings coming and going with no thought to what it would mean in the long run. No one had any basis for their faith except what they believed the Bible was saying to them. It gave the churches no foundation. They oftentimes had a formal doctrinal statement but had no idea what it meant or how to keep any order to the “new word” that was being spoken. We were also told how seminaries were now of no use and how the conferences of today were going to replace the training of the “army of God.” Many, many of these men had no formal training.

7) “God is doing a new thing” Again, this one was used over and over again. I got tired of God’s supposed “new thing” in our own group. It seemed most times that the new thing was just the abandonment of something else that wasn’t working. The new thing could be the new leadership raised up (because of the old leadership was leaving – again), a new pet project of the leaders or the fact that we now had to all dress up to come to church so that we gave respect to the Apostle who was visiting. And don’t forget the “new things” that were just around the corner. If I had a dollar for the New Years Eve prophecies of the year of the “New Thing” I would at least be $19.00 richer. It never came – but we waited in expectation for finances to be blessed, abundance to spring forth and our church to grow to thousands.

It hit me last night that as Husband and I read through the entire article that these seven phrases, taught over and over again to us, (some) were not all bad in and of themselves. Some of them even had truth attached to them. But added together and spoken hundreds and hundreds of times they became the cords that bound us to silence. These ‘straw men arguments” on their own in the hands of a man or woman of integrity and humility would not hurt many. But put these arguments into the hands of someone who is out to build their own kingdom and you might as well just leave now before you are wearing imprints of tire treads on your backside.

Listen carefully the next time you hear any one of these preached or spoken. Ask what is really going on. Ask, investigate, judge and pray. Don’t be bound by these straw men any longer.

Ht to David Hayward at Nakedpastor for the comics. I bought him a beer!

Drifting

Isn't this how you feel somedays?



The tags I added to this post say it all. Doubts, Faith, Fear, Father's love, Shunning, Trust, Depression. They are all with me in my little tub.



I've always seen the ocean as the vastness of God and his love for me. So actually this is a peaceful picture to me. Lonely but peaceful.

(comic by xkcd)

Religion and Fear

Larry Norman died last week. I read about it on many blogs. I am old enough to remember his music and so I kept wondering why I had not liked his music. You need to realize that I love music. All kinds. I listen to everything and actually enjoy it all. I can have my windows rattling with Bach or Mozart just as they could be rattling with the latest Rap from Eminem. And when the whole Christian Rock was born I had all the new records. Sandy, Amy, Keith, Love Song……Lend an ear….to a love song….oooh a love song….(Sing along now) So why did I not listen to Larry Norman?

It wasn’t until I read Brant’s post last week that I remembered why. It was those movies – A Thief in the Night, Left Behind. Larry’s most famous song was the soundtrack to those movies. No wonder why I was not fond of him. He was my introduction to FEAR IN RELIGION.

My introduction to fear in the church came at a very young age. Now that I think back on it I am outraged. What person lets a little kid watch such a movie? Now, I had “asked Jesus in my heart,” when I was 5. It was real to me and I really think that something supernatural was placed in me that night. With the rules of the game, I was safe – I was saved and going to heaven – I would be raptured when it happened. But I didn’t feel safe. I was always panicked anytime I could not find my parents. I forever worried about driving along in a car and the driver being ‘taken’ and the rest of us left to die in a fiery crash. If my parents were even 5 minutes late getting home I had a stomach ache. (Oh, for cell phones)

It is funny. We believed in eternal salvation but you were never sure that if you were to have been found at a dance or a movie theatre or even just thinking a bad thought - and the rapture occurred – would you really be taken? Because of this doctrine I lived my life in fear. Fear of not being good enough and fear of being left to being marked by the Beast and forever out of the grace of God.

I was 25 before I met a kind pastor that blew away this theology in 2 hours one night. I had never even met a Christian before that did not believe in the rapture. We had heard about such heretics in my Bible School but no one had ever told me that true Christian men and women did not all believe the same things. My world was rocked and I cried for the next week. How in the world had I been taught these things without saying that there at least were other ways to view what the Bible was saying? Why was I not taught that this was a new belief of only a few hundred years old? Why was I not taught that it was actually the Scofield Bible’s notes that made this doctrine preached in the United States so widely? For something so fundamentally believed and accepted in my little life, why was I not given all the facts and then allowed to make my own decision?

But that is not the reason for this post. The reason I wanted to talk about this today is because I got very used to fear in my faith. Those in authority used fear to control their congregations. In a podcast from Wayne and Brad last week (Freedom from Fear) they cited an article that said that fear can be the most controlling force in a person’s life.

That got me thinking. I could look back into my childhood and see where fear was used by the church (and I hated it) but I wanted to look forward….after I changed my theology….to see if fear had still been used to control me. How did the whole Charismatic theology manifest fear in my life, and was I still under fear today?

Here are some ways I thought of:

There was a huge fear of the demonic. Fear that you would do or say something that would open you up to demonic forces in your life. Fear against what the ruling forces of the region could do to you.

Fear of somehow losing your destiny – through either making bad choices in a church or mate or life in general or being in the wrong church or camp.

Fear of being out from under authority. Fear that you were not obeying your husband or father and then later on, fear that you were not submitting to the Apostle or Prophet of the church.

Fear of not tithing and/or not giving enough to ‘cover’ your own finances to where God would bless you.

Fear of not raising your kids just right so that they would make the very same choices that you would make for them.

Fear that the world would corrupt us or our kids by contact with it.

Fear that allowing a non Christian to teach our kids would result in God not being in their lives.

Fear that anything we or our kids did, might be a stumbling block to someone.

Fear that if we did not come across as spiritual – that we would be demoted or sidelined or shunned.

Fear of admitting your were broken and not healed yet.

Fear of missing ‘your opportunity’ for healing or deliverance or blessing from whatever service was being held that night or that weekend. (actually this was used to try to get people to EVERY meeting that the church had – even a business or planning meeting…..you could never tell when God would show up and you weren’t there) Fear of not being where God’s Spirit was being poured out.

Fear that someone might actually find out that you were just pretending in worship. Fear of not looking “worshipful.” Fear that there is something really wrong with you.

Fear of not being able to say that you disagreed. Fear that you were somehow evil because you had an opinion that differed.

I’m sure there is more….I am just sickened. I am over 50 and I have lived every moment of my life in Jesus, in fear. From the time I made my first steps toward this life of Faith I have carried a companion with me named Fear.

So today I resolve to dismiss my companion of Fear and replace him. I want a new traveling companion. I hate what Fear has done to my life.

Therefore, I will replace him with……Grace or Wisdom or maybe Laughter. What do you think? Who do you walk with?