Sunday, August 23, 2009

It is Done....Again

A friend and I were talking the other day. The conversation drifted to the church she was attending. She loves her church. She was telling me how much she loved the people, loved them being around her, her husband and her kids and how much she trusted the leadership there, what a good heart they had and so on.

I found myself being inwardly very cynical. The conversation in my head was something on the order of, "Yeah, right. That is what I thought all those years. You had better not put your trust in anyone there. It is only a matter of time till you really find out what they are like."

I guess it showed on my face. Sometimes it is hard for me not to let you know how I'm feeling if you are sitting across the table from me.

So we talked about it. I told her that I felt like a woman whose husband had cheated on her and left her. Now I don't trust any man. I know the hurt they are capable of. I've been through the divorce. I can't imagine trusting again.

We started talking about trying to visit other church bodies. She understood how it would be hard but maybe if I tried now, in two years I may have a different perspective.

I laughed and told her I felt like the wife again who's friends are trying to get her out there to date a little.

And then it hit me. I don't want to "date" around. What I truly wanted and I think was waiting for is for my own "husband" to come back to me. I did not want another church body. I wanted my old church body. I did not want to really make new friends as much as I wanted my old friends back.

But here was the hard part. She said to me, "Barb, even if they re-established a relationship with you...even if you could go could never be the same because of these last two years. For two years they have not talked to you. For two years they have acted as if they did not care. For two years they have not answered your emails."

And, she reminded me, "in the two years you have been gone, you have become a different person."

I feel stupid verbalizing that I was waiting to have it all go back to the same way it once was. All I needed to do was to read my own blog over the past two years to see the ways I have changed and the mindsets that I no longer have. I could not go back to them. They probably won't come to where I am. It truly is done. The relationship is dead.

Relationship with the individuals will always be an open door if they want to walk through it, but the "thing" I had with them for so many years is passed. Done.

Again, I feel stupid for not realizing that this was what I was thinking all along. It seems like such a "duh" kind of thing. But it is better to realize it now I guess than later or never.

After letting that set a few days I realized that my heart somehow turned to the future in ways it had never done before. I realized that I was no longer waiting for the old things to come back. It was just It was suddenly what lies ahead. It was like a ship that had been loosed from its dock.

I wonder where we will go, what we will see, who we will be with in the next few years. And that is a new thought to me today.


Marti G said...

Have you ever heard Sara Groves' "Pictures of Egypt" song? It's a difficult thing to realize that we can never go back - we are DIFFERENT. But we move forward, and Life increases and fills with joy.

The lyrics are found here and say in part, "I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt, Leaving out what it lacked. The future seems so hard And I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned. And those roads closed off to me while my back was turned."

Wayward Son said...

I relate to this post in so many ways. I think sometimes these a-ha moments are slow in coming because there's that part of us that keeps looking back...and for me, at least, I would keep looking back because I always felt like somehow the books had been left unreconciled--too much unexplained, too much unfinished...the wife being cheated on is a very good analogy.

But the other side is (not to sound trite, b/c it really is true)...we can't really embrace what's in front of us until we let go of what's behind us. I'm personally living this truth in the most tangible way I ever have in my life. :) So kudos for looking forward; I celebrate your freedom!

Barb said...

Marti, thanks so much for this. I loved this line: "But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned." So very true.

Jeff, I was shocked to learn that I was still waiting. I hope there is not very much to uncover about this whole thing that lies deep in my heart. :)

abmo said...

I shall wonder with you :-)

A. Amos Love said...


Been out since the early 90's.

It's not always pretty, but it's worth it.

Just part of the journey I guess.

God loves me.
Seems every time I start to remember and long for,
all the good times he brings someone along
who has been burnt, burnt out,
kicked out or crawled out of the religious system.

Lot's of opportunity to minister to broken hearts.

Be Blessed in your search for truth...Jesus

Found this a blessing.

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...

And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

A. Amos Love said...


After a lot of tears and a lot of separations
I was complaining to God.

Okay a pity party.

Lord, how many separations.
I can't take this anymore.
Time and time again. Family, friends, brethren.
Broken hearts, broken relationships.
Starting over and over again. Then tears again.
How long O God. How long.

And He said to me.

"I'm not separating you from people."

"I'm separating you unto myself."

Thank you Jesus. Your way is best Lord.

Listen... Could this be Jesus singing to you?

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
Im sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

brad/futuristguy said...

Thanks for sharing this, Barb. It makes me wonder ... could it be that when our emotion's bond to the "Past Perfect" gets released, our imagination's boundaries to consider "Futures Forward" get loosened?

Encouraged to see where this new turn in your trajectory might take you!

Rich said...


I loved what you shared here, thank you.
I see it all being an ever deepening and growing reality of His healing restoring love for us.

In my opinion, as we continue to follow Him, we continue to be set/made free, but our heart beat is Him!

Daveda said...

Hi there, I have stopped by here before. But when I did it looked as if you had not posted for awhile. So, I wanted to say hello again, it's nice to "meet" you. Please stop by sometime and say hello :)

I too have been hurt by those in the "system" I can understand a bit, how you feel. As I read your post the thing that came to me was that it's not a bad thing you didn't see this until now. God is capable of showing us what we need to see and know, when we need to see and know it. Now was your time. And the conversation with your friend was the way He choose to reveal it to reason to feel Duh, this how God planned it. In His perfect timing He reveals all things :)

I really enjoy your blog. thanks for sharing.

Praise and Coffee said...

Barb, it's been ten years and your words resonate in my heart also. I am so thankful to be on this side of Egypt.
What a mess I would be if I has not left.
Thanks for sharing your heart!