Monday, March 4, 2013

Why Don't You Write Anymore?

A close friend asked me (again) the other day if I was going to write on my blog ever again.  I dodged the question and did not respond with anything of value to his question.  But I have thought on it a lot in the past few days.

Just this morning I read a post from a dear girl who is at a training camp on the other side of the world.  I think it is a YWAM training.  She was eloquently describing what she was learning and a bit about the teaching that she is participating in.

She described that she is in her 7th week at this camp.  Last week was on the Father's heart.  This week is on Lordship.  I found myself wondering how those teachers had the nerve and confidence to stand up in front of these young adults and help to shape their view of the Father.

And it finally struck me what my problem is with blogging my heart and thoughts now days.

I'm afraid I will be wrong.

See, for so long I was wrong about so much.  I was wrong about church life and practice.  I was wrong about not only my view of God but what I taught others.  I was wrong in part with how I raised my children.  I was wrong in how I manipulated each and every relationship I touched.

Previously, much of this blog was about deconstruction.  It was about pointing out where I and others were wrong.  It was about putting a stop to the abuse that I had participated in.  But very little of what I remember writing was about what I believe now.

See here is the problem.  For everything I believe there is someone to say that I am not seeing the whole picture.  For everything I think there is another way to think about it.  For every way to look at something there is another way to see it.  For every way that I look at scripture there is another theologian who disagrees.

Heck, I am afraid to say that broccoli is good for you because of the studies that I'm sure are out there that say it will kill you in some horrible way.  How then can I say that God is like this, or Jesus meant that or here is what I think Scripture says on this or I think you should raise your kids like this.

I find myself wondering how can I speak into a world that is so filled with everyone who knows for sure that they are right. (And they just might be)

And so my fear silences me.

But here is one thing about me that I know.  I HATE fear.  I loath it.  Whenever I see it I want it dead.  Whenever I sense fear in me I want to  conquer it.   It will not rule me.

Therefore I am going to write a bit here again.  Maybe I'll write about something I am learning.  Maybe I'll pass along something I'm reading.  But I'm not going to let myself be silenced out of fear that I am not completely, 100 percent right.

You are welcome to follow along again.  Or not.  I'm going to write for me.

 Conversations, as always are welcome.


Abe said...

Maybe the only thing that we know 100% is... that we don't 100% know. It's a 'dangerous' place to be in the view of other Christians and has an eerie 'emptiness' if you are used to feeling stuffed full of doctrine, but... what is the alternative? Continue to harbor and vocalize the judgments and assumptions about others and ourselves, even if we are not sure they are eternal or God's? Hmmm...

Continue to be brave in your writing and your living! :D

Barb said...

Thanks Abe!

Sara said...

Glad to see you writing again! You never left my reader, and it was a delight to see your blog highlighted as having new material!

Serg said...

great post!

I totally understand you!

what helped me a while ago - I stopped thinking if others 'validate my thoughts' or not. And then I realized that I get happiness from that source of others agreeing with me, saying I'm right etc etc. I tried to switch to the better happiness 'Supplier'.

now I'm free from that fear. and I breath much better now.

God bless!

Erin said...

It's good to hear from you, Barb! I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Nestus said...

Hi Barb, glad to see you writing again. I don't think you have to worry about being right or wrong. Look at what Jesus said and do everybody agree with His words? :-) Leave it to your readers. Those that love will hear what you are trying to say. The rest.....well, it's their problem :-)

I'm looking forward to what you have to say. God bless.

Mary said...

smiles ... looking forward to reading here again :)

Barb said...

Thanks Sara. I know how you feel when one of my old "friends" lights up in my reader!

Barb said...

Serg, we are so addicted at times aren't we? Yet it is part of that "thing" that we live in community and thus encourage one another.

Barb said...

Erin! How good to hear from you. Hope you are doing well. thanks for saying Hi again.

Barb said...

Nestus! thanks for your "always" encouragement.

Barb said...

Mary, thanks so much. Are you still writing any?