Books I am Reading

Since reading is truly one of my biggest pleasures I’m going to jump into the books you are reading meme. Sorry, I only have 6 on my table right now. Maybe I should be like some of you and put on in the bathroom but I never get any time in there either.

1. Skin by Ted Dekker – One of my daughters recommended it to me. I usually love Dekker but this one was WAYYYYYYYY too violent. I took it on vacation to read and it did nothing to relax me! But his series Red, Black and White are the greatest as well as Blink

2, Firstlight: The Early Inspirational Writings of Sue Monk Kidd. I would die to be able to express myself as this woman does. I would love to sit and talk to her about her journey. I read her novel, Secret Life of Bees a couple of years ago. I liked it and so tried to find other books she had written. I soon found out that she had also written Christian inspirational books as well as her well known novel. The first one I read was amazing – When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions I loved it. It was all about the change our lives go through as women as we age and grow. I then picked up her latest book (The Dance of the Dissident Daughter: A Woman's Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine ) and found that she had left many of what I would consider key traditional beliefs and I could not agree anymore with her. But her earlier stuff is amazing and wonderful and I would recommend it to anyone.

3. For a bit of a heavier read but one with the greatest quotes I am reading and re-reading Orthodoxy by Gilbert Keith Chesterton

4. And of course I have blogged quite a bit about Wayne Jacobsen’s life changing books of “He Loves Me” and “So You Don’t Want To Go To Church Anymore.” I feel that in so many ways these two books are like dye is to fabric. The more I immerse myself in their teaching the more I am changed to a different color.

5. Romans in The Message – I’m reading it to learn all about the Grace I have never known.

6. Da Brudderhood of Zeeba Zeeba Eata: A Pearls Before Swine Collection and Lions and Tigers and Crocs, Oh My!: Pearls Before Swine Treasury by Stephan Pastis. Sooo funny. I had to read it a bit before I got it but when I did it does make me laugh out loud sometimes. (another of my kids found it hysterical – so I had to try) You can actually download a cartoon each day - How I start off my day here.

Lists with Grace

Reading one of Wayne Jacobsen's articles today was life giving. Every where I look there is grace being revealed to me.

For so long, my lists were not filled with grace. Just the opposite. They were filled with obligation and "ought-to-ness."

Towards the end of the article, "Painting Outside the Lines" he gives some freedoms he believes we have. Listen for the list of grace that differs from what we usually experience when reading other religious literature or what lists we have in our own minds.

He says:

It is the freedom to put your relationship with Jesus above anything else.
It is the freedom to obey him and live in the truth of Scripture even if others don't approve.
It is the freedom to engage Christ's body however he calls you--within structures or beyond them.
It is the freedom to love God's people and broken lives in the world without putting people in boxes.
It is the freedom to walk away from abusive religious settings and so-called 'leaders.'
It is the freedom to ask hard questions and not allow your faith in God to be questioned.
It is the freedom to be honest about your struggles without being condemned or accused of rebellion.
It is the freedom to be known for who you really are and not pressured to pretend to be anything more or less.

I love the list but a few of these stood out. I love the one that says we have, "freedom to ask hard questions and not allow your faith in God to be questioned. " I would add that not only do we not allow others to question our faith, but also allow ourselves the freedom to question without feeling like we are abandoning our own faith or worse, feeling like we are going to hell for it.

And then I love the freedom to love others inside the body and outside in the world and not having to put them in boxes. I don't have to change them. I just love them, and somewhere in that, Father will do the rearranging of their lives to bring them into relationship with Him. (notice I did not say that he would change them either - although change is inevitable)

One of my daughters said last night, "Mom, could all this grace really be true?"

If you have other "freedoms" you can think of and want to list, please leave a comment. I'll compile the whole lot in another post if there is enough.

Tagged

Hmm…..7 random facts about myself. This would be easy except that I am trying to blog anonymously and therefore I need to write 7 random facts about myself that not even my closest (or former closest) friends would not know. So I will try. Thanks for the tag Erin.

1. I am not a pack rat. In fact I would absolutely purge my house of useless items if it were not for Husband. But….I can never get rid of those clothes that I never wear. They sit there, hanging in my closet and taunting me with the fact that at least one item in my house that I actually have total control over, actually controls me. The ones that taunt me the most are those size 6 jeans. Damn them.

2. I cannot multi task. I can only hold one thing in my brain at a time. This is especially hard on my kids and Husband as they have to have my full attention or I just ignore them when they want something. I also miss huge parts of conversations around me if I am concentrating on something else.

3. I love coffee so much that if Juan Valdez showed up at my window (like in Bruce Almighty) I would ride away into the sunset on his mule and have little coffee baron babies with him.

4. I absolutely hate flavored coffees. People are always trying to make them for me and I am always so polite and force them down – but I HATE them and wish I could tell them to just make me black, strong, Colombian coffee. Why do they drink that stuff? Do they just keep it around to torture real coffee drinkers? It is abominable and does not make Juan happy either.

5. I had never read a blog till about 4 months ago.

6. Having my nails done is the one thing that I can do that makes me feel more confident in a social setting.

7. I never read email forwards. I mean never. I hate them. The only time I will read them is if a friend forwards one to me with a personal note.

I have no time today to figure out who has been tagged and who hasn’t. So if you read this blog, consider yourself tagged.

But only 5 of you. ;)

Conferences - Prophet Loss

Ok, so this "being out in the world" is turning out to be quite humorous.

During this time that we have gone through leaving our church, my husband has also been in the transition from working for himself to joining a financial firm to be a financial representative.

My first foray into what it means to go to a conference took quite a twist this weekend. Now remember, I have not been to a world’s conference……ever. But have I been to the best church conferences!!!!!! I have been to women’s conferences, conferences about kingdom finances, conferences for the prophetic, conferences to have more of the Holy Spirit (hope he didn’t mind), intercessors conferences, worship conferences, and Father’s heart conferences. I have even helped host conferences at our CLB.

I have heard the best of the best speak. Bickel, Cain, Frangipane, Joyner, Cooke (my favorite) Arnot, Frost, Clark, Godwin, Vincent, Garlington, Baker and others. I have been prayed over, prophesied over and even had a few things kicked out. I am a conference expert. I should never, ever have a problem with my spiritual life.

So this weekend was a little different. Below are my thoughts.

1. This was the only conference where the name of Jesus was used and there was no offering taken.
2. In one session, I was taking notes as to how Husband was to be compensated. I did this because 1) I like the word compensated and 2) Husband was still so new to this company that I was afraid that even he did not know this information. I almost laughed out loud when I looked down at my notes and realized that when they spoke of “profits”, I could not spell it
p-r-o-p-h-e-t-s.
3. I realized that even if I did laugh out loud there was probably no one who would get the joke. “Prophet” loss would mean nothing to them. But it was funny to me.
4. My goal is to not let Husband have a trophy wife at 60. Unless she also cleans the kitchen.
5. Working for someone else is not half bad. Especially when they pay for your room by the ocean and have an open bar for dinner.
6. People were kind to us without an agenda. They were just glad to have us in the company.
7. No one asked us our eschatology. Or asked me to fix them. Or asked to fix me.
8. I like conferences where there is no offering.

Anyway, that is my excursion to the other side. I like it. People are real. They too have lives, children, husbands, and futures. I didn’t share the gospel with anyone – it never came up – but I also don’t feel guilty.

That is good.

The Church Lady and Her Un-Churched Kids

While out in blogdom today, many are pondering the really deep meanings of God and the universe (see Brother Maynard’s blog – brilliant stuff) Church Lady here has a simple question:

How do I raise my children outside of the “church?” It has been a few months since we have left and there is not a Sunday School in sight as far as I can tell for a long time to come.

Of course we all know that we (the parents) are responsible for their spiritual training. That was always told to us by our churches. I told this to others – partially to absolve the church when their kids turned out bad. After all, you can only claim responsibility when it looks good for you. When it does not work out to your advantage – bail and let them know it was their responsibility all along.

The only problem I see was that no one ever actually really took responsibility that I know of. We let the Sunday School teachers do their job and “presto” our kids knew all about Jonah and the Whale and Noah and the Arc. (In there was probably some really good spiritual training although, to tell you the truth, I never saw how they could take a story about God wiping out the whole human race – every living thing – and teach it to any child who would not run screaming from the room and never love God again. It worked though if you needed people to be afraid of God to obey him. Hmmmm…….)

Of course Church Lady was always too busy to teach Sunday School. Her gifting was not only not in evangelism but also not in children’s ministry either. There might be something important going on in the service that she would have to help with. Or how could she mentor people the next week without knowing what the Spirit was saying in the service on that previous Sunday. And children seldom knew how important you were. They could not feed that ego in her.

If you were to tell me 4 months ago that my kids would not be going to church during their formative years, I would have thought you had lost your mind. Now I have no idea what to do. It is kind of like wondering if your kids would really be socially hampered if you home schooled. What will un-churched Christian kids look like in 10 years? Will we need to give in and attend a church just for their sakes? I have read on some of your blogs that you have done just that - gone back to church for your kids. How is that working for you?

Meanwhile I need to decide what I will do in the meantime. I never liked the Bible story approach. I think it gives a very disjointed view of the Bible. Maybe I’ll read them the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. I liked to use historical fiction to teach history when I home schooled my older kids. It made it more enjoyable for me at least and they seemed to really understand it better. It's too bad that Sponge Bob does not do Bible Studies for kids.

I am understanding now that it is my responsibility. Mostly because there is no passing it off. My mantra that it is the parents’ responsibility has now actually fallen on my shoulders - thus proving that I did not really believe it before.

Sigh.....

Being Martha

If you found this webblog and are interested in reading about those of us who are "coming out" of unhealthy churches I want to point you to a woman who is also blogging about this.

Please read Being Martha. She is writing candidly about her situation and I think will have great stories to come.

It still amazes me to have other people in other churches have basically the same experiences. They say the same words and phrases and seem to have suffered the same hurt. I don't think they are repeating what someone else has said though. I think it is really real. That is what makes it amazing to me.

Our next step will be to find the grace to live in this new place. Grace to give our CLB's. Grace to give our own former leaders. Grace to find a way to raise our children as we try to figure out what to do now.

Grace, grace, grace.

5 Things I Dig About Jesus

I was tagged by Emerging Grace via John Smulo to write 5 things I “dig” about Jesus. While I am way too old to actually use the word “dig” without my teenagers rolling their eyes and sighing, I shall attempt to write the 5 things. (They probably don’t read this very often anyway)

I also purposely decided not to read anyone else's first. Mine are probably not as “spiritual” as others will be. – But in light of coming out of my Church Lady persona, here they are

1. I dig the fact that Jesus’ first recorded miracle was making really good wine. I bet it was an Australian Shiraz.

2. I dig the fact that Jesus could be really mean. When he used the example of the Samaritan being the Jew’s neighbor he was really pushing things. (like the fact that tensions had become so bad between the two groups that just a few years before Jesus was born, some Samaritans had come into the Temple and spread dead men’s bones in it. – not cool for someone who is not supposed to touch dead things.)(for a list of things that fueled the Samaritan/Jewish hatred see the comment section that I added to the end of this blog.)

3. I dig the fact that Jesus was the only one who could have stoned the woman caught in adultery – but he didn’t. And he gave forgave her even before she “got saved” or proved that she was going to be any sort of a “good Christian.”

4. I dig the fact that as of tomorrow, when one of my daughters turns 18 and moves out to live life the way she thinks she wants to live (think punk, rock, pierced poster child) it that Jesus will be sitting on the right hand of the Father interceding for her. I love the fact that he will be ready at any chance she gives him to show his love to her no matter what she does and that he will send goodness and mercy to follow after her all her days.

5. I dig the fact that Jesus thinks I am funny. The other day when someone told me that they get up really, really early to find time with Jesus, I told them that they did not have to get up that early because Jesus meets me after I’ve had a couple cups of coffee (much later in the morning) and they could just come by then and not have to get up so early. They didn’t think it was that funny but I think Jesus “digs” my humor.

I tag Erin
Elizabeth
RobbieMac
Martha
And Best Friend - you can forward it to me and I will post it anonymously.

I tried to get people who have not been tagged before - sorry if I got someone twice.

The Disappearing Church Lady

So last night was a very quiet night for me.

My husband was out of town, my grown children were all busy with either being “out” or working and I was uncharacteristically at home alone with my younger children. Only a month or two ago I would have had at least one or two young people or couples at my house from church. We were almost never alone. Because of church, our home was always full.

Last night was very disconcerting to me. I felt as though I was slowly becoming invisible. Almost like in the Back to the Future movie where the images of his brother and sister were disappearing off his photograph.

I realized that I had not made a friend outside of church for the last 20 years. (I had always said to myself that my job was to train up people who would go out into the world. I was not an evangelistically gifted person so I was there to train up disciples who would.) (Oh My God, did I ever really say that?) (I need to add that to my confession.) Church had always provided me with friendships. I realized that I did not know how to make friends – at all – in the real world. I felt very lonely and afraid.

I was talking to my best friend today. We laughed at how Church Lady – that is how she has always referred to my more "religious side" (that is why she is my best friend)– could actually go to Barnes and Noble’s and join a book club. Church Lady had never done anything like that. Who would I be without my Church Lady persona? Before this, Church Lady was very busy being a Leader. Everyone looked at Church Lady and knew that she was important because of whatever she was leading at that time. Now I am disappearing. The book club at Barnes and Noble’s won’t know that I am Church Lady unless I tell them – and I am certainly not going to tell them. But who am I then?

It is scary. I have no idea who I really am. I can tell you about my kids, my husband, what I do, but to tell you who I am – I have never had to tell anyone that. In the church, they just always told them what I did and that let them know how they needed to relate to me. How can I ask a person outside the church for coffee? Won’t they think that is weird? How do they do it?

I was a Leader. I was Church Lady. Now I am not. Period. Disappearing. Scary.

Should We Trust?

I just read something that has overthrown my world for the moment. I was reading again on LifeStream’s BodyLife’s articles and decided I would start at the bottom and work my way up. The first/last one on their list was one entitled, “To Trust or Not to Trust.” The main point of his article is that trust only belongs to Jesus. That nowhere in scripture were we told to put our trust in another person or a church body. Not the church. Not a leader. No one. Just Jesus.

Wow.

I have wrestled with this for two days. I thought church life and life with other believers was all about trusting each other. Even in our last meeting with our leaders the words were spoken, “If you don’t trust us, I don’t see how you can stay.”

Trust was everything. People who have actually talked to us since we left have said, “But we trusted you.” It has been said that we “broke trust.” I feel that others that I have trusted have betrayed me. (Betrayal can only happen when you have trusted someone.) Trust, when broken could never be restored in my mind. It was like a broken glass. You could glue it together again but it would always be cracked and scarred. Can you see how this idea of trusting each other was woven completely into my relationships? I did not see this as unhealthy at all. Yet the fruit of it was and is terribly unhealthy.

What if my hurt (in what happened here at my CLB) was actually caused by this whole idea of trusting in something and someone that never was to be trusted in the first place? What if I realized that my trust needed to be placed ONLY in Jesus? Would I have been so hurt? If this were taught to a congregation, would there be so much abuse of authority? I don't think so.

I looked in scripture today to see if Wayne had missed something. I looked up every verse that had the word trust in it. Then I looked up the different words used for trust in the Greek and searched them all out. I can’t find it. It is not there. We are to trust God, Jesus, and Scripture. That is it.

Jesus says that he would not entrust himself to men (Jn. 2:24, 25). Paul told the Bereans (Acts 17:11)that they were more noble than the Thessalonians because they basically only trusted Paul to a point. They went to Scripture to see if what he said was true.

The only place that I can remotely find trust towards others is in 1 Cor 13:7 where love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. The word for hopes is the word translated in some other places as trust. So it does say it there. But does that mean we are to foolishly put ourselves in a position where we never question and are devastated when someone does not do what we expected them to do? I don't think that this is what was meant.

I talked to my daughter about this and she was amazed at my black and white world. To her she feels like she never really trusts someone completely. Her point is that every man and every institution will eventually let you down. People are not perfect therefore how can you have total trust in someone?

Why was trust such a big deal to me?

When I look at it I realize that only trust in God is able to be fulfilled. And even my trust in Him has been shaken when he does not do what I think a loving Father should do. Maybe trust goes much father than people living up to my expectations of them. Maybe if I can “entrust” everyone to the Father and even “entrust” the Father to himself I can be free of the bondage that trust has put on me. That way, trust is not a controlling thing but a way to give God and others freedom to be in relationship to each other and to me.

Maybe I should do like 1 Corinthians 13 says. Maybe I should hope or trust all things and leave the results of that up to God. Maybe it is accomplished in the trust that I place in God. But also at the same time it gives people the freedom to be human in whatever choices they make (and give God the freedom to be God in the way he chooses). If they let me down, there is a bigger picture of a God who loves me and provides me with an ability to love others.

He loves me, even though he can’t always trust me. He pursued Peter even when Peter broke his trust (In fact he did not trust Peter from the outset – even predicted his failure). Maybe the passage where he is sitting with Peter by the shore really shows us what 1 Corinthians 13 means. He does not pull back emotionally when I am not trustworthy. Therefore he gives me what I need to do the same with others.

Right? Am I missing something else that you can think of?

The Tyrany of Being "Nice" - Part II

This is an addendum on my post The Tyranny of Being Nice. I was reading one of Wayne Jacobsen’s BodyLife articles today. He has one entitled, “Why Settle for Anything Less.” (Please read it. And the one after it. And the rest of the ones in the list ;) (Did you notice I learned how to do the linky thing? I'm so proud!!)

Jesus is talking to Peter after Peter had denied him. He asks him if he loves (agape) him. Peter cannot answer with that strong a word. He tells Jesus he likes him as a friend. Jesus keeps pushing Peter. Finally Jesus comes down to Peter’s word for friend and Peter, seemingly heartbroken says to Jesus. Jesus, you know all. You know I love (like) you.

Was Jesus being nice? Or was Jesus being kind? Nice would not have made Peter uncomfortable. Nice would have avoided the topic. Nice would have not put Peter’s failures on display for the other disciples. Nice usually does not do anything except put up a false front. Nice usually does not address the person or persons that are in the situation, (Usually though, nice will tell everyone else what the person did. I have found that nice gossips a lot!) Jesus was not being nice.

But did Peter need to have this issue resolved? Did the other disciples need to see that Jesus and Peter worked through this issue? Yes! Therefore Jesus was kind in addressing it. He did not care that it made Peter uncomfortable. (or the other disciples who had also run off) Jesus had a point to make. Peter I take you at where you are. I am OK with friendship. I will cook you breakfast and sit with you like before. I will ask the hard questions. I will meet you where you are able to meet me.

Wayne Jacobsen says this:
I am convinced that we understand little of this incredible love. Yes, it forgives wrongs suffered, but not without honoring truth. Jesus could in one moment confront the false spirituality of the Pharisees at the same time he invited the prostitute into his kingdom.

So much that travels as love in the body of Christ today is simply trying to be nice even at the expense of dishonesty. We'll smile and feign love in someone's presence and take the freedom to tear them down in a conversation with someone else. God's love doesn't live in denial. It can take situations as they really are and transform them by his glory. (emphasis mine)

The amazing thing is when Jesus deals with betrayal he does not hold back his love. He confronts the betrayal but it is done purely out of a heart of love. He holds back nothing yet still deals with the issue.
God’s love does not live in denial. But God still loves. And God still moves and acts.