Tuesday, October 23, 2007

WWJDWTC - Update on Week 1 - Operating System Cannot Be Found

Week #1 of my effort to participate in the syncroblog of What Would Jesus Do With the Church was not, um…….stellar, in any sense of the word.

I had made the decision in my mind to stop just looking at the church and trying to discern what was wrong with it and go out and DO or BE the church instead. It sounded so noble. It sounded simple, easy.

Now I know why I did not want to leave the comfort of judging (discerning the problems) in the church. It is scary out there (here).

Yes, I had a few wonderful encounters where God said something very profound to me. I shared it with some of you who read this. But, in all honesty, that was the only thing that happened.

Now if I were God, I would have read my blog (He does read this, right?) and been so pleased with this woman writing (me) that I (God) would have planned tons of stuff for her to walk into as soon as she left the comfort of her own self. I would have had that lady at the grocery store that she helped, turn to her and ask why she was so kind, giving her an opportunity to tell her about Papa’s love for her that day. I would have had many divine connections lined up for her that week just to express to her how proud I (Papa) was of her decision. People would have been saved, healed and delivered! Surely God would not have let me just deal with the un-direction of my life while only saying a few things about seeing and separating from Him. Doesn’t He know I want to DO SOMETHING!!! That is the whole point of this month.

So by Saturday I was pretty despondent. I had even gone to the book store to find something to read and left after about an hour with nothing but a new copy of The Message. All other books, books that have been reviewed and that I had wanted to buy and read did not even begin to interest me. Me. The one who loves to read. And on top of that I could not even make eye contact with anyone in the store. They were all busy in their own worlds and did not care that I wanted to be the Church in their presence.

So I sat on my front porch. I had my laptop with me but it was sitting on the side of the swing playing music. Not even Christian music. Just a musician by the name of Ingrid Michaelson that I’m love with. Her music that is. All of a sudden my laptop stopped. I knew it was charged and so I looked over at the screen. It simply said, “Operating system cannot be found.”

I laughed. Hard. My computer was prophetic. My operating system….that which I had based my whole life off of…was no longer to be found. See, in church, I had a job. I knew what I was to be doing. Pretty much they told me what they needed and I did it. If my husband agreed, I was busy. My operating system was intact. The church gave me direction and purpose. It was my operating system.

Now I need to implement a new operating system. I want Papa to be this. I want to do what he wants me to do and be what he wants me to be. I can’t make this work off my old system. (Circuit City says they can’t either. My hard drive crashed….they think. They can’t even keep it alive long enough to test it.) The system cannot be found. The old way is dying. Or dead.


Sarah said...

Nice! "They were all busy in their own worlds and did not care that I wanted to be the Church in their presence." That made me life and I've often thought about that. Being missionally-minded and willing to come out of my own impenetrable fortress doesn't change my neighbor's minds about their own fortresses. Culturally speaking, this is a hard barrier to cross.

Ultimately, you are right. I think there are things we can do to make ourselves available for God to use us, but if He isn't initiating something, we can't make it happen. We truly can do nothing apart from Him even when we have all the right motivations.

Sue said...

Ahh, He has a very advanced sense of humour, doesn't He :) Haha.

This is so frustrating, this waiting on him. But imagine how different the Church would look if we were only "doing what we see the Father doing". There's so much freedom in there; it's so hard to grasp, isn't it. But I am comfortd by the fact that he is committed in bringing that freedom to pass. Ahhh, it smells so good, even when it's far away! :)

Barb said...

Sarah, I also think he needs us to detox to the point that we can know our own hearts a bit more. I'm so ready to 'do' something because 'being' just doesn't seem to be enough.

Sue, It is hard to grasp. I love the reference to the smell that freedom has.

Erin said...

This was a wonderful post. Thanks for making me laugh with the part about people not caring that you wanted to be church in their presence. Ain't that the truth?

Anonymous said...

Good post.
I felt like that too, the wanting to do something instead of just be...
He gave me this verse in Hosea, "and He called me out to the desert to speak tenderly to me..."
We need to know his tenderness...that it's not about what we can do...

Barb said...

Thanks Erin!

che, The first time I heard that verse is from Graham Cooke. We just don't get that we are loved enough by Father to actually "be"

glenn said...

Barb- It's crazy how much I identify. When I was in church work, sometimes I was in not so good of a place, but at least, I had a place. I belonged. I knew who I was. Now it seems as though I have to find or make a place for myself. It was always a given before and determined by my job status. I have found my circumstances to be disorienting, confusing, and demoralizing. Yet, strangely, I am optimistic because I believe that this painful path is ultimately a good one. It still sucks. It still hurts. Then that's what happens when your OS crashes.