Friday, July 4, 2008

Lazy Days of Summer - Processing the Journey

Jeff asked yesterday where everyone was. Our little part of the blogsphere is a bit quiet these lazy summer days.

I know for me that the summer months full of kids home from school, the life guarding duties at our pool, sandwiches to make and times just to sit out in the yard and talk has dulled the desire to sit inside with my laptop and think. Add to that, my business has really picked up, company in and out from various places, a weekend in Maryland at the beach for Marshall’s business and an hour walk at night to get some exercise and I feel kinda busy.

But mostly…..I think I am about done processing my journey out of my old church. I’ve tried to stop thinking about all of it before. I realized that I could not just focus on the past. I knew I should walk away and into the next things. I even tried at times. But you know what? Nothing worked till it just did not matter anymore to me. And suddenly, that is where I find myself.

Maybe it is because I have a short memory. Maybe it will all come flooding back at another time. Maybe I will get all passionate about the things I went through and what others did to me. Maybe...but I don’t think so.

I started blogging about all of this a year ago. As the year turned I returned to my old posts and read them. I can remember the pain I felt then. I remember Church Lady and feeling like she was disappearing. I remember when the word prayer would make me want to puke. I remember being so hurt at not being invited to the pastor’s daughter’s wedding. Friends for 20 years. (I downed a whole bottle of wine that night. Vowed never to do that again.)

I’m still glad for those posts. I receive the most hits on my post, The Person Formerly Known as Your Leader (my repentance at what I had done as a leader.) I still loved that I wrote that and it is still healing to me today. Mostly I love the posts because they remind me of the Grace and Love that the Father has poured out on me during that time.

But the pain is fading. I simply don’t have it anymore. The voices of doubt are just not there anymore, the depression is not my constant friend, and it has been months since I have had a dream about them. And therefore I can turn away from it and think about other things.

I guess what I am saying is this. If you are in the middle of the hurt, betrayal and pain - don’t be too hard on yourself. Yes, you know you should not be focused on these things. Yes, you know you should forgive. Yes, you know you should walk away. But you know what? That can’t happen until you just don’t care anymore. And when that happens, you will be able to do all those things. So give yourself some space to heal. Trust me, the healing will come with time.

So my posts may be fewer. I’m still going to write about what I am learning about Grace. I’ll still share the journey with you all if you care to read. It just may not be as intense as last year.

And that is ok with me.


Maria said...

Healing takes time, and I'm glad you've shared parts of your journey with us. Look forward to seeing what new discoveries lie ahead... in their own time. Enjoy the summer!

Jeannette Altes said...


Thanks for sharing your healing process with us. It has helped me. I understand the feelings of caring beginning to fade. I'm not quite there yet, though. ;-)

Enjoy your summer and I will enjoy hearing your thoughts as your journey continues.


Erin said...

You know, Barb, I have found it goes in cycles. I have on several occasions felt like you describe, but then I will eventually regress for awhile. I think it's more like a spiral, where we do go up, but we still go around and around, too.

It's so nice knowing you, and all the other people who have been there. It does make they journey not only easier, but enjoyable.

Heidi W said...

Yes, that is ok. :)

You have been such a blessings, and I am looking forward to hearing what is happening in your life in the months to come.

Anonymous said...

Everyone is a bit different. Erin may be right that you return to the pain but the more time passes the less you will return.

The journey is not over, just into another phase. God keeps us on the journey. I am excited you are at this point and look forward to more stories of the adventures ahead.

Sarah said...

Solid post. I think grace has been a theme!

Anonymous said...

Barb, I found your site during the "Missional Synchroblog" and am glad. I am also a former leader on a journey into the heart of grace. I have been on this new journey for about 18 mos now - but have only started to blog recently. I named my blog "Grace Rules" because it is a principle I am trying to put to work in my life these days. I just wanted to stop by and say that I think you have been very brave in being so transparent.

Lita Wright said...

Your post "I was the person formerly known as your Leader" helped me enormously. I myself could say many of those same things.