To All The Friends I've Loved Before

I’ve noticed that I’ve been able to look at Friendships in my CLB in an entirely different way this week.

I received an email from a woman who had just left her church. In the email she said this, “I've pretty much lost about 85% of my friendships at my CLB but I'm beginning to accept that.”

In responding back to her I was pondering my words. I’ve been there. Actually, I lost a higher percentage, so I felt that I might know how she might be feeling. I wanted to help her feel better. I wanted her not to be shut in with grief over this loss.

So I was tempted to write some of the following: Things such as....You will find out in the next few months who really was your friend…..Don’t worry about those that are not talking to you…..They weren’t your friends in the first place……..

Have you heard any of those or have you spoken them to yourself?

You know what???? Those statements, while they may be true are not necessarily true. I agree that statements such as these were true of a very few in my CLB. But it is not true of all or even most of my relationships there. I believe that the beliefs of the CLB has blinded their eyes to the truth of my friendship with them. They feel that they are not allowed to be my friend or that they will loose too much to be my friend. (Remember, in my CLB you loose your destiny and your covering if you disagree too much with the Apostle. This is a very scary thing to be threatened with.) They are just as blind as I was before I started recognizing that this was not a good place to be.

It may seem to make it easier if you tell yourself that they were never your friend in the first place. But I’m coming to realize that it really does not make it easier. Here’s why. If you believe they were never actually your friends then why would you grieve for them? You feel stupid to be sad for something that was a lie. You feel doubly duped that you believed in all of the CLB’s crap AND you didn’t even know that what friendship was.

I’m sorry but that is just not true! I had friends, and I know what friendship is! Therefore, it is ok for me to grieve the loss of these friends. It is ok for me to keep an open door if they ever decided to walk back into my life. I know what friendship is….It is a linking of hearts. (It is rare when only one person feels they are in a friendship and the other person does not.) I am choosing to believe that I am not that dysfunctional.

So to own up that those people who no longer associate with me truly were friends allows me to grieve but grieve without feeling stupid. It allows me to love them now and not get angry at them (for allegedly never really being my friend). It strengthens my own self confidence that I can have friendships and that I am not crazy in thinking that so many of these women and men were truly my friends. It gives me hope that I can make new friends in the future and that I am not a failure at judging true friendship. And, it allows me hope that they might come back into friendship with me. (If they never really were my friends than there is no hope of having anything in the future).

It is funny. To believe the above paragraph brings all sorts of negative emotions. Grief, over the loss. Anger, over the blindness that our CLB perpetuates. Frustration, that they can’t also see the truth or that I can’t do anything about it. Hurt, that they see in small ways what they are doing and yet still can’t see the bigger picture.

But it brings out some very positive emotions. Hope – for one – that there will be friendships renewed at a later time. Love – That in the midst of their blindness I still can continue to love them and be willing to be their friends. Self confidence – I had lots of friends before this and I am a good judge of friends. I will have and build more friendships in the future. And Relief – that it is not me that is dysfunctional and crazy.

So, to my friend who wrote me about loosing her friends and to others out there who have walked this same path, I say to you…..Grieve, Hurt, get Angry and Frustrated but don’t top all that off with the lie that you are also crazy and these people were never your friends in the first place. Come to terms with those that truly were not your friends and who only used you for their own ends but then embrace the friendships that you really did have and base your feelings on the truth.

And……To all the friends I’ve loved before…. I say to them this:

Julie,Mark,Kim,Terry,Christina,Mike,Jim,Jess,Josh,Frannie,Paulette,Bill,Ali,Tim,Patti,Adam,
Christine,Nate,Sarah,Ben,Avie,Lance,Tori,Moe,Suz,Julie,Will,Rick,Dana,JoJo,Paul,Dave,Heather,
Mike,

I love you all. My door is not locked from the inside. It is wide open and ready to welcome you at any time. You were my friends. You will remain my friends until you tell me that you no longer wish to be on that list. Even then, I will love you.