The Story of a Flock - A Parable

My story begins as we begin to see a small flock off in the distance. It is a small flock of sheep. As we get closer we can see that this flock is like most other flocks we have seen. Sheep, green pasture, a small fence for protection at night and a shepherd sitting by the small gate who carries a staff for protection and a harp to sing to his sheep. The scene is simple and pristine in its beauty.

As we move even closer we find that this flock is newly formed. The Great Shepherd had called out to various sheep and they had come together for protection, fellowship and feeding and to just be together with the Shepherd. As we start to move among them we notice that the Great Shepherd had been very specific in his calling because from a distance all the sheep looked the same but up close you began to see how each sheep differed in its personality and calling.

There were sheep that loved to study the Shepherd and explain to the other sheep all that was being learned. There were sheep that understood the shepherd’s harp – its purpose and design. They could play various instruments and sing and when they did the whole flock stood awed at the sound and would even join in to sing songs of the Shepherd with them. There were sheep that wanted to do nothing but mingle amongst the other sheep to look for those who had hurt themselves. These sheep understood the art of binding the wounds and healing the hurts. They could find pastures during the day to make sure the sheep were getting the needed nourishment and clear healing water. Other sheep did nothing but gaze out at the range and look for sheep who had never heard of a Shepherd. Once spotted, they would rush out to tell of the wonders of their Shepherd. And yes, there were a few sheep that could seemingly see the gifts given to each sheep and help to set the flock up to where all the sheep could function in their gifts and be used to the best of the flock. Even though these sheep had this gift they always remembered that they were also just sheep and that it was the Shepherd that truly was in charge of the flock.

The Shepherd saw that this was good. He would regularly mingle amongst the sheep and it was not long before you realized that this Shepherd had a relationship with each of the sheep. He would speak softly to each one. His words, when overheard, were words of encouragement, direction, explanation, and sometimes even correction but were always given with so much grace and peace that the whole flock trusted this Shepherd.

No, this flock was not perfect. Sometimes the sheep would fight. There were even bites given and received and the ones who carried the bandages and salve would be called upon to help to heal the hurts. Some of the sheep did not understand the gifts given to other sheep and felt that the work that they deemed most important was being overlooked. Sometimes the sheep that had the gift of organization would become a bit overbearing and sometimes forgot that ultimately it was up to the Shepherd to lead the sheep. But for all the messiness in the flock it was still a place of joy and peace.

I, as the author of this piece, am going to transport you to 15 years into the future and describe what happened to this flock.

As we draw close to the flock we see again that there are just sheep in the space where we left them but it does not take long to start to see significant differences. What you will now see will break your heart.

The first thing that catches your eye is the fence. What used to be a simple fence around a lush field of grass and a spring with a simple gate for coming and going is now a fence of a fortress around a dried patch of dirt and a tiny polluted spring in the corner. The fence is massive and it is evident that great time has been spent constructing it. There are watchtowers at each corner as if someone is expecting an imminent attack upon the flock. At the gate no longer sits the Shepherd but there are sheep placed there as guards in full battle gear.

As you draw closer you began to notice a difference in how the sheep are standing. There are rows and rows of sheep. They are not grazing contentedly as we last saw. There is no sign of the Shepherd walking among them like before. They eat in rows, they do their duties in rows and even though there seems to be smiles on each face there is no feeling of joy left in the flock.

It is then that one of the most alarming things becomes apparent. A few of the sheep no longer walk on all fours. There are about 10 of them that have somehow decided to walk upright on two feet. It is soon evident that these sheep are the ones in charge. Out of the 10 or so sheep that walk uprightly you see that a few of these sheep are wearing beautiful woolen clothing, carry a staff and wear a crown on their heads. All sheep stop when the crowned ones speak. The crowned ones give an order and the other upright sheep make sure that the common sheep understand the order and heed it. Then you understand the rows of sheep all facing the same direction. It is at the command of the crowned ones and the work of the other upright ones that the sheep are kept in this rigid order.

As you mingle among the common sheep you are startled at how shorn they are. Their wool has been shorn far too often to give them any protection from the weather and the elements. They seem to shiver at the slightest wind. Your heart breaks for them as you see the sheep line up for yet another shearing over in the corner of the pen. When you ask them why they are giving their wool away so often at their own expense they will tell you that in giving their wool away they will be blessed and not fall under a curse of the Great Shepherd. Their shivering they are glad to bear.

At this revelation you are simply shocked. Why would the Great Shepherd want your wool in such an extreme measure, you ask. Don’t they see that the wool they are giving are only going towards the reinforcement and building of the walls around their flock and to outfit the crowned and upright ones in wonderful, rich, woolen clothing? And who ever told them that the Great Shepherd would curse them? Don’t they remember how he walked among them in such a loving way? How he made sure that they were fed and warm and loved? Where was the Great Shepherd anyway? Had anyone seen him recently? Yes, they assure you. The crowned one meets with him every morning. He gets his orders from the Great Shepherd and then they all follow those orders. They grow tired of my questions and start accusing me of being a questioner and bringing division. Most start to ignore me.

I decide to go and speak to the upright ones and ask why the shearing is taking place and why the sheep are left cold and shivering in the elements. They are also shorn but carry with them blankets of thin wool that help to ward off the cold. When you inquire of them you are met with instant glares of anger and derision. They point to the head crowned one and tell you that he is the one that sets the pace for the shearing. This crowned one is not to be questioned as his tall stature allows him to hear the Great Shepherd far more easily than the common sheep. The days of the Great Shepherd speaking to each of the sheep individually is now been replaced with this crowned one hearing instead for the sheep. After all, they say, the Great Shepherd has set the flock in order in this day and age and this is how it is to be done.

Your attention is now turned to the crowned one. His clothes are the finest and his feet are shod in the finest sheepskin. His wool has been shorn too but not as short. Even if it were short the fine woolen clothing would keep him warm. There is an air of authority that surrounds him but also fear. As he walks among the sheep you see them cower before him. Some come and bow at his feet and give him gifts of their wool. Others offer to carry his staff hoping that they too will be called upon to be one of the upright ones. Some garner his smile while others seem to garner his anger. As you listen in to what is being said by the crowned one to the common sheep that day you are left in disbelief. This day he is walking among the sheep and telling them what will happen if they leave the walls he has built up around them. He warns them of certain disasters that will befall them should they leave his protection. “The Great Shepherd is only here in this pen,” he tells them. “If you leave you will leave the protection of the Great Shepherd. Your children will wander off cliffs, your wives will leave you for other sheep, your wool will never grow back and you will never hear the voice of the Great Shepherd again.”

As you sit there in anger, wondering what exactly you should do or say you see a small sheep come up from the ranks of those who are called upon to sing songs of the Shepherd. She speaks up and tells the crowned one that the things he is telling the sheep are simply not true. She knows the Great Shepherd and He has never said such things. Her voice trembles as she gently rebukes the crowned one. As she gathers even more courage she further confronts him on the schedule of shearing and points out that the sheep are cold and being left to shiver in the elements.

You would have thought that this little sheep had grabbed a club and had commenced beating the crowned head of the upright sheep with what happened next. Suddenly from out of nowhere the upright ones come and stand in between the crowned one and the newly exposed questioner. They begin to yell and scream at her for daring to question the crowned one. She begins to quake in fear of their attack on her. She is accused of pride, arrogance, disloyalty, and every other sin they can think of. No one – not one - ever answers the question she brought to the crowned one. But now all attention is turned on her and how very ugly and deficient she is in the flock.

When she does not back down but demands that her questions get answered she is dragged to the gates and thrown out. Along the way her skin is accidently pierced by the sword that one of the guards is carrying as he stands in front of the gate. Her head is banged against the planking as she is discarded outside. And her front leg is sprained as she lands on the unforgiving ground outside the gate.

Now left broken and bleeding she is sure that the other sheep inside will come out and help her. They do love her she tells herself. They will come. She begins to call to them. No one moves. Then at last with great excitement she senses some movement but her hopes are dashed she begins to see the sheep go back into the rows facing the crowned one. She overhears him explaining why she had to be cast out. She listens as he details her “sins.” Her heart breaks as he tells the other sheep that she really never loved her friends. She understands that no one will come to bind up her wounds and so she starts off alone down an unknown path.

She misses the walls that were told to offer her protection. She misses the warmth of belonging to a flock. She longs to sing her songs with others instead of alone. There is too much freedom in being out here by herself. What if she goes the wrong way and falls off a cliff, what if she encounters a snake in the lush grass, what if they say is true and the Good Shepherd never shows up? What is she supposed to do now?

Suddenly around the next corner she finds a cleft in the mountain with a miraculous bit of grass and a small spring and decides to stay at least till her wounds start to heal and she can again walk on her leg or the grass is gone and the spring dries up. Sure enough with just enough to get by she stays hidden here for a few months and begins to grow strong. The grass and spring miraculously never run out and her woolen coat grows thick and she is no longer cold. The nourishment of the grass and spring causes her to become healthy. She begins to venture out, facing her fears that she cannot travel the fields alone. She realizes that there is an inner voice that she had not heard in a long time that warns her of the cliffs or the snakes that lurk therein. She begins to venture further only to find streams of clear water and fields of luscious grass. Joy begins to return to her step and she finds herself singing new songs about the Great Shepherd to herself.

And then one day she sees a man in the distance. He carries a staff and walks on two feet. Instantly she is afraid and wants to run the other direction to safety but falters. She does not hear the inner voice warning her and there is a smell that reaches her nostrils that she remembers with delight. This is not an upright one or a crowned one. This is the GREAT SHEPHERD!

She takes a tentative step towards him and the love in his eyes almost makes her drop to her knees with relief. She knows this man. This man is good. As they meet, the Great Shepherd gently reaches for her and cradles her in his arms. For long moments she just lays there unaware of time and space.

As she finally rouses herself in his embrace she asks him why it took so long to come to her. He assures her that he had been with her all along. It was him that gave her the wisdom to see that things were not right in the pen. It was Him that gave her the courage to ask the hard questions. It was Him that was hurled out the gate with her. She remembered and began to understand that she was never alone.

Suddenly she looked up at Him and laughed, “It was YOU!” “You led me to the cleft in the rock! You gave me the bit of miraculous grass and the delicious clear spring! You prepared that place for me to heal and grow strong and have my wool grow back! You led me there didn’t you?”

Gently with a whisp of a smile that lit up not only his edges of his mouth but his eyes he said, “Well my valiant one, you almost have it right but I did not prepare the cleft in the rock, I wasthe cleft. I did not lead you to the grass and the spring; I was the grass and the spring. I did not prepare a place for you; I am that place for you.

The Great Shepherd then turned to her, set her on her own four legs and said, “Now I have a job I want you to help me with. Will you go back to the pen with me and stand outside the gate and continue to speak to your friends about the truth you now are sure of? Will you be there when they leave or are thrown out to bind up their wounds and tell them of my love for them? Will you explain that the crowned ones have misrepresented me and I am not a Shepherd like they pretend to be? Will you help lead those who are hurt to me so that their fleece can grow warm again and they can hear my voice clearly for themselves again?”

The sheep lifted her head and looked deep into the eyes of love and said a simple “Yes, I would love nothing better."

The story ends, at least for the time being, as you see them walk together down the road towards the old sheep pen. In the distance you hear the bleating of sheep who are wounded and bleeding without a Shepherd.

Spiritual Tyranny Dot Com

Here is a link I encourage you all to explore. In some way this author may have gotten pushed aside as simply a discontent from the Sovereign Grace Ministry churches. The site is MUCH more than that though. He speaks/explains fluently the language of tyranny in all forms - church, social, political. He does this by challenging the very basis of our preconceptions. I have been simply blown away by his ability to make me feel as if I am a rational, volitional thinking person capable of knowing Good and acting on it. (I'm growing a spine as I sit here and read :)

Here is one for those in controlling churches that I think you will be able to digest and go "OMG!! What was I thinking?" "Spiritual Crack" by John Immel

But don't just read this one article. Go back into his previous articles and simply read from the beginning. It will challenge everything you have ever believed but it will make you look into your heart and find that he speaks what we always knew was true and gives us a platform to actually build something.

Interested in church government? Leadership? Politics? or just simply are you in despair because of what you have walked through? Strap on a water bottle and grab your best hiking boots because this is not for the faint of intellect or spirit. (as an aside, there have been times where I wondered if I had the background to understand some of the things he is trying to explain. Hang in there. What you don't understand becomes clearer the more you read and exercise that part of the brain that may have laid dormant for a while. For you brainier bunch...you will have no trouble and actually enjoy the exercise.)

Stuck - Not Dancing With The Crowd

I watched this video this morning with a grin that quickly became an ache. See, I get what this guy is saying about leadership. I was the "second guy" to get up and dance. My husband was the "second guy" and I made my family be the "second guy".

We validated the leaders. In fact, people would tell us that they would look over at us to see what our reaction to a new thing was going to be and then when we joined in - they felt assured that it was good.

But what happens when you find out that the dance you are dancing is hurting people? That it has shipwrecked so many it is hard to count? How do you deal with the fact that you aided, validated and in doing so, hurt those that you were dancing with?

I thought for so many years that my validation of our movement was pure and good. I thought that anyone who got hurt in following our "dance" was just doing it wrong and it was their own fault. I thought that submission to the leadership was key.

And the ache this morning comes from the fact that I am so terribly afraid to be the second or even third guy in anyone's dance. How can I validate anyone's leadership? How can I shoulder that responsibility ever again? Even if I were the 50th person or the 100th person, doesn't that still give me a responsibility that scares me to death?

So this morning I find myself home....still not participating in the "dance" of a organized body of believers.

It does look fun though, doesn't it? I just can't face the responsibility - not yet.

HT: Hamo @ Backyard Missionary

Stages of Grief/Blogging

Wikipedia, in its article about the stages of grief gives the five commonly known stages that people go through while experiencing grief of all sorts. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Today, while I had a few minutes to catch my breath in the middle of both my busy season at work and my father's decline in health I pondered those stages. Many of you are asking why we are not blogging about the church or our situations as much as we were last year at this time. I realized today that in a lot of ways, the stages of my blogging mirrored the stages in my grief over our church situation. I wonder if many of you are like me too.

In the beginning, there was the denial. I just did not want to believe these people would not turn around and be my friend again. I did not want to believe that they would simply turn away from our leaving without coming to reconcile the seeming dichotomy of what they knew of our lives and what was being said (or not said). I could not believe that if I could figure out the inconsistencies of the doctrine and practice that they would also soon figure it out. Denial was a large part of the beginning of my journey and then my blogging.

Anger. Oh how the anger phase fueled my fingers as they ranted and exposed and cried out for justice. I almost look back on that phase with a bit of longing. I was feeling, thinking, reacting and if nothing else, I felt alive. I tried to "tone it down" because some friends were reading, but trust me, it was born out of the anger I felt for being duped and then in turn duping others as I was their leader. I was just waiting for God to get a clue and straighten them all out and show everyone that we were right!!

I think for me, I skipped right over bargaining to depression. I remember posts that I would weep over. Nights where I would dream of former friends and then spend the next day in a fog. I did not want to do anything. All the pleasures of life were reduced to gray - no color. Even in this phase it fueled the mind to write. I needed to reach out of my pit and at least know that others were around who understood me. You all were great. You reached right back and loved me. I think the time of depression would have lasted much longer with graver consequences if it were not for the online community that I experienced.

The bargaining phase though did pop up here and there. I wanted to offer God something else that might work. I wanted community like I had before. I wanted to belong again. I wanted the "church" to change so that I could belong. I entered a period of wondering how the "church" could be structured so as to prevent any abuse of power. How would we all get together to pray and share and learn?

And then, somewhere in the past few weeks and months I think the last phase has descended. Acceptance. I have learned to accept the place where I am. I have learned to accept my kids, my husband and my friends just as they are. I accept the "church" and realize that while others may go and find a place of community, I will probably not ever be there again. Acceptance that the friends God places around me are the friends that I am to have - no more - no less. Acceptance that the times around my dinner table or out to eat are my church. Acceptance that my kids, their friends and their parents are here for me to love.

Most of all this acceptance phase has decided to accept the path that the Father has seemed to place us on. Maybe we are crazy. Maybe we are hard of heart or even more likely, hard of hearing. But, as much as I may not really love it all of the time, it is where we are.

The thing lately that has brought me peace in this place of acceptance is a memory. When Nathan, (now 14), was born, I distinctly felt that the Father told me that I was to give him a middle name of Dabar. Dabar is a Hebrew word for "a new thing." Of course, back in my old group we were always looking out for the next NEW THING!!! that was just around the corner. I thought maybe he was to be a great leader, prophet, evangelist. But just the other day I was reminded of his name and it made me laugh a bit. What if this "new thing" is the absence of all of the old stuff. What if the Father wants my kids brought up outside the confines of the institutional church? What if He wants to teach them about himself - all by himself - in an organic kind of existence?

I guess I'll never know really. All I know is that today as I look back and evaluate, I am at a place of acceptance like never before. I feel like I have finally sunk to the bottom of a warm ocean, I have sand beneath my feet and I am stable for the first time in a long time. I'm surrounded by the sea of His love. I breathe in the water and am amazed that I can exist in this place with such health.

Not much to write about down here. But it is nice.

Closets and Keeping a Record of Wrongs or Not Forgiving

Given the comments on the last post of Closets and Leaving, I see that many people have experienced and felt the same. They too have dealt with leaving for sometimes a seemingly small thing only to realize that the things over the years that had not been dealt with and had been pushed into a "closet" in their spirits were the real reasons for eventually leaving a group or church.

In the comments, Mary touched on a topic related to this that I want to address. She said that if she spoke to anyone about all the things that she had in her 'closet' they would accuse her of keeping account of wrongs. I know about 10 years ago we went to the Leadership of our church with a written paper of the things that were bottled up in us that we felt were weakness and things to be addressed in our body and in the leaderships lives. Husband had gotten to a point where he was ready to break so he decided to go to them with the things he had not dealt with and talk it out with the head leaders. (understand we were also in a leadership position and had been told that we could bring up these kinds of things)

Basically things got aired out but then stuffed back into the closet. We were told that we were harboring unforgiveness, keeping a list of wrongs and that we needed to have our hearts right with the leadership. There were some, "I'm sorry you have been hurt," kind of things said to us but basically that was about it. To continue to push it any further would have made us look bitter, unforgiving, mean and petty. One pastor (brought in for mediation) gave us a book on being highly sensitive to try to understand why we would have such a problem with what was going on. (unbeknown to us at the time, the rest of the team was also having the same questions and later left because of them) So we stepped down from being an elder. Looking back now, it was all the same reasons that we eventually left for. We just had a fuller closet to deal with at the end.

In these kinds of groups you eventually learn that anything brought to the leadership only ends up in you being blamed for being too sensitive or not being loyal, for being petty or for being divisive. So you decide to try and live with it. In reality you are essentially asked to keep this closet. Not in so many words but everything is to be laid down and not brought up. You are supposed to "get over it," "get on to more important things," "quit thinking of yourself more highly than you ought," and "just chill out." So you just kept pushing stuff into the closet so as to keep peace.

You are asked to trust the leadership. They have the bigger picture. They know more than you do about each situation. There is always a reason for their actions. This is their church. They are the ones God has placed as the head. They are the Apostle and Prophet (pick your title). They have other men they are accountable to.

You can see why you would have such a 'closet' for the unfinished things you are seeing.

But my question is this: Is this truly keeping a record of wrongs? Is this closet full of not forgiving? Is it sin on your part?

Let me say first of all that it certainly can be. If you refuse to go to a person and let them know there is a problem, all the while adding things to the list.....that is keeping a record of wrongs. Or if you approach someone and tell them there is a problem and they tell you that they are sorry and deal with what is wrong - either change their behavior or try to explain how your offense is unwarranted and then you still don't forgive....that is not forgiving. But if you have learned that it is just not worth bringing up or if brought up will result in pain for you, you will eventually either have to leave or start a building project of your own to add onto the closet that you already have full.

Same God - New Covenant: Speaking to the Church

This is for all you teachers and preachers out there. Please consider this if you ever speak to a group of 5 or more.

There is a flaw in the thinking of those of us who live in the New Covenant times. (That would be all of you reading this.) The flaw is that we still see God in an Old Covenant relationship with his people – his Church.

In the Old Covenant, (before Jesus came) God related to Israel, for the most part, as a whole – as one nation. They were given the law as a whole, they were told to fast and pray on the same days, they were told to feast and party on the same days and they were all given exactly the same prescription for how they were to conduct themselves. He was the God of Israel. We do see him deal with individual people but even most of the time in dealing with the individual it was for the nation.

Now we spring into the New Covenant times. Jesus comes and starts to deal with people – one on one. How many times in the New Testament do we see him speaking to a single person? He does speak to crowds but sometimes actually makes it confusing for the crowd and then explains it to the smaller groups or individuals. Then he dies and ascends and then we have the Holy Spirit that indwells each individual person.

So now we have the same God as the Old Testament but the playing field is drastically changed. One author likens this to a man who is single, now finding himself married - he is the same man in both instances but now the rules of conduct are vastly changed.

The problem that I see in public speaking, whether it is from a pulpit, a TV screen, a book or a teaching tape is this: The speaker assumes that the message they have to speak is for EVERYONE listening. They view the Church like God treated Israel in the Old Testament.

Here are some of the statements made that I have heard or read recently that show this mindset:
God wants to heal you today. (all of you?)
I relate to my child this way, and you must follow exactly what I do. (but what if they are totally different temperaments?)
God wants you all to be owners of your business instead of working for someone else. (But what if I am not geared to be a business owner – what if I hate to do all the things that that requires – or what if I want to spend time with my family instead?)
If you put out a fleece like Gideon did, you are showing a lack of faith. (Give Gideon a break, he was about to take a very small army against a huge one…wouldn’t you want to make sure you did not mistake what you thought was God for bad pizza the night before? – What about the fact that God understands my level of faith and is not irritated that I ask for confirmation?
You must make a covenant with God over your city. (Really? What if I can barely keep up with my toddlers and new baby right now? Do I have to do that too?)
It is never ok to borrow money. (Never?)
A stay-at-home dad is never right. (and you know this how? What if my family is more important than me working two jobs when my wife can work one and she loves it?)

(Please feel free to add to my list!)


Do you see how the old mindset creeps in? The old mindset says that God intends the same thing for everyone at the same time. How in the world can you stand up in front of 100 people and tell them, in detail, how they are supposed to live, work, treat their children, run their business, or eat? (please don’t misunderstand me – I am not talking of the central truths that say we must show the fruit of the spirit in dealing with people or the central truths of who God is – I’m talking about those who would say that we need to spank a child at every act of willfulness or those who say that you need to only eat the Daniel diet to be truly well or that God ALWAYS does things a certain way)

When you call a fast for your church do you make sure that you address the pregnant moms and the guy going through chemotherapy? When you plan your many meetings do you account for the man who is already working 50 hours a week? And how about the lady in the wheelchair that has had the “God wants to heal you today” spoken over her hundreds of times? Does God want all of us wealthy today? Do each one of us need to step out in radical faith this week? Is everyone called to be at the conference you have planned this week or they will miss God?

Please, I beg of you. When speaking to more people than you can actually know, individually, what is going on in their lives or when speaking to more people in a setting where they cannot ask questions on the spot of how your words impact their lives, please don’t make sweeping proclamations. Please don’t assume that God is saying the same things to all of them at the same time.

He is an individual God. His timing is always right. His words always pierce our heart.

Your words may just be making it much harder for your listeners to live and walk with this amazing, individual God that we have. You may be heaping bundles of bondage on them that they were never meant to carry. Please don’t do this to the people that God has allowed you to speak to.

A Call For Honesty

Those who read here are probably familiar with the fact that we left a church that was closely aligned with C. Peter Wagner and the Apostolic group that he leads.

As the events have unfolded this week concerning Todd Bentley and the Apostolic group that commissioned him, I have followed along with a mixture of grief and outrage. Surprisingly, my outrage is not directed at Todd. I believe he is just one who was caught up in exactly what this stream teaches. He is the fruit of the movement. His pleas for money, his pride, his hype, his ability to stretch the truth and his lack of concern to back his claims up with proof is nothing more than his ability to be a good disciple of those who were around him.

The outrage came at the treatment that he got at the hands of the supposed "Father" of the Apostles. At the mention of his divorce Mr. Wagner and his wife issued statements to protect themselves and their movement.

And there starts the spin. Instead of humbling themselves and admitting that they were too hasty in commissioning this man they start to distance themselves, throw flack to keep you off balanced and re-writing history of what actually happened.

As you read the responses or hear them in your churches today, would you please review the following videos of the commissioning of Todd Bentley and what was actually said? Check what was said on that night with what is being said now. See it for yourselves and use it to see if what is said now accurately depicts what happened and was said on that night.

For instance, C. Peter Wagner does issue an apostolic blessing. It is there and holds nothing back. He clearly states that Todd is to be the leader of this revival.

Che Ahn says that he is being called as an Ephesians 4 evangelist "knowing that you have walked in a manner worthy of the Lord, pleasing Jesus in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, and growing in the intimacy and knowledge of God. We as your brothers and friends, having a deep love for you and Shonnah" are here to commission you, ect, ect.

John Arnot says, "We bless you today Todd Bentley, you are a friend, a man of God, a man of prayer, a man of the spirit....we stand with you, we encourage you, we honor you."

Bill Johnson in reference to how Todd welcomes the glory says, "I long to learn from you."

Simply listening to what these men said absolutely confirms the impression that they were wholeheartedly giving Todd the keys to the car and trusting him to the whole revival. Nowhere was there any doubt expressed in these men's words that there was a question in their hearts about Todd, his character or his ministry. Surely, if they had questions, some of that would come through. I have heard people prophesy and bless someone while still being cautious of what they are not sure of.

So, while my heart breaks for the whole thing, I encourage you to watch the videos and remind yourself of the truth. Hopefully, these men will own up and apologize to the world of their hasty recommendations of all that was Todd and Lakeland. I am hopeful, but all the while I am so familiar with the re-writing of history that these men and women do. I am so familiar with the "spin" that usually accompanies these kinds of things that I could write the script for it myself.

This is what they have already said or will eventually say.

1) We knew of the problems (otherwise where would be their discernment?)
2) That they were not really putting their full endorsement on Todd
3) That it is a good thing for the body of Christ that they were brought in when they were. That only God knew this was brewing and he wanted to have His men in place to take care of the situation
4) And this is the biggest one: That it was actually their commissioning that allowed the truth of the facts of Todd's life to come out. They will use this to put fear into people that the Apostolic anointing is not to be take lightly and "All will be revealed when alignment is brought into the Kingdom of God." It is their great giftings that are to be revered. They are the heros. They are the leaders.

In my opinion, this will not hurt this new Apostolic movement. It will only strengthen it because the followers of this movement have already been prepped for how to follow the re-writing of history and the spin that they have to believe to belong.

The videos are here. If you are in any position in this whole movement, please hold these men and women to the truth of what was said that night and not what they want you to believe now.

Leadership Dilemmas

Jeff, over at Losing My Religion: Re-Thinking Church was answering some questions from Terra Rose about how to do small groups/home churches. It is quite good and attempts to answer some questions that people have about leadership in small groups.

This made me think today, as it usually does, about what we are going to do in the future.

Should we:

1. Continue to float along this river, letting Father bring in and out those he wants us to have a relationship with in his own timing. This option may contain never having an intentional time to “meet” as we all understand it. (A meeting for worship(singing together, fellowship and some form of Bible study or a message) This option eliminates the need for a specific “Leader” and I can see why some would choose it. We can still employ the gifts that we have been given. But in this form it would be randomly as the Father sees fit.


Frankly I’m still not entirely comfortable with this. I think you loose out on being in contact with people to the extent of making deep relational bonds with people who are not necessarily your best friends. I think you loose out also in the ‘corporate-ness’ of the body of Christ. It just seems too loose and not what I see the early Christians doing.

2. Join a smaller group or a group that has some kind of leadership established.


I still, have a hard time imagining myself ever being able to put myself in the position to be lead by a “pastor” or leader. I don’t believe I am not willing to submit. I am just very wary of submitting myself to someone who is not obligated to submit themselves to me in the exact same manner.

But here is the kicker. I am a realist enough to know thatI have never seen a group work without a true leader. Someone always needs to be the one to step in, direct, correct or place limits. Without this, I know, things fall apart. In the vacuum of no leadership the unhealthy lead. There are power struggles like Terra Rose related. Even in my own family of 7 children, we constantly need true leadership.

I would love a small group to work like the leadership works in my marriage. . Husband and I submit ourselves to each other. We decide things together. There are areas that we each have “leadership” over. But there is not one leader in our marriage. We work at it together. If someone HAS to have the final say on something, we would both say that he would be the “Final Sayer.” But to tell you the truth – in our 28ish or so years of marriage we have only had to revert to that maybe 3 times. And even that was decided together. But honestly, we can’t even run our family like this much less a group of believers. This kind of leadership necessitates mutual submission and maturity. Kids just aren’t there yet and I’m afraid grownups are not much better.

But at the same time I’m still so very skeptical of leadership that to join someone else’s thing ...it would scare me to death. I have a hard time visiting another group let alone ‘join’ it in any way. Maybe there is healing still needed (you think?) but I’m not so sure I’m going to change much on this.

3. The third option I know is out there and many of you would say is, “Start your own thing.”

And it is here that I am having a problem. I do trust myself or Husband (somewhat) to lead a group of people – but mostly because I know we are so committed to not being a controlling leader and trying – as we do in our family – to make the bulk of our life something that each can have a say in. As, in a family, I want shared leadership of various parts of the group. Sounds good right?

But here is my problem with starting our own thing. How can I ask others to be led by me (or Husband) when I am not willing to put myself in the same position (to be led by someone else)? Doesn’t that smack of pride to you? What I am honestly saying, if I am truthful with myself, is, “I don’t trust anyone but me to be the leader, but you must trust me to lead.” “I’m going to ask something of you that I’m not willing to commit to myself.”

Doesn’t that sound unhealthy to you? It does to me.

And therefore, here is the crux of the matter:

I really don’t feel like I can truly be a leader of anything until I am ready to make that same commitment to be led by someone else.

That is where I'm at today. Sigh.....

Midwives and Shepherds

1 Corinthians 4:1,2
Don’t imagine us leaders to be something we aren’t. We are servants of Christ, not his masters. We are guides into God’s most sublime secrets, not security guards posted to protect them.

This was what I read this morning in the Message. It reminded me of two conversations I had recently on leadership. One was not so much a conversation except that it is ongoing and I am continuing to read one blogger, Nakedpastor, with interest. He wrote a post the other day on being a shepherd. You can read it here. Made me stop and think, and at least, want to have a two way conversation with him. I would love to see what a church, run by a true shepherding approach, looks like over many years.

Anyway, he speaks of a very hands-off approach for taking care of his people. Not intervening much in what God is doing in their lives - mostly only there for simple things. Not making it all about him and his leadership but about them and their lives in Jesus, in community.

This brings me to my second conversation – a real one this time – with Best Friend. We were talking about a friend of ours who, when he was in our church, had a mental breakdown. It really shook his faith. We, in the church at that time, all had a plan of how to help him. It was a confusing time for all, I’m sure. I know the pastors really tried to do everything that they could. It seemed that this guy just could not pull it together or find a way to follow them out of his confusion. He got some medical help and stabilized but soon after left our church feeling like he had failed – failed God – failed leadership. Anyway, Best Friend still kept up the relationship with him and his family. (She never got the shunning memo.) They were just over to her house the other day and she told them that she wished they had been to my house for the 4th. The ability to be together and hang out without judgment was just what she thought he needed - no one trying to fix him and for him to have the opportunity to just be with us the way he was. To have people who would just be there with him and love him while he “labors” with his questions.

It was then, that the conversation switched to brilliance.

She started comparing her role as a midwife to that of a traditional doctor in a hospital. We, of course started seeing the parallels of midwife to shepherd and traditional doctor to that of our traditional pastors.

Some of her points about midwives and doctors were:

Midwife: Has a woman in labor about to have a baby
Dr.: Has a “patient” in labor about to have a baby

Midwife: Comes into your home. Makes herself at home in your place
Dr.: You check into his establishment. You have to conform to his place.

Midwife: Sees the birthing process as an incredibly naturally process – thus no need for invasive monitoring.
Dr.: Sees the birthing process as somewhat natural but also something to be carefully monitored for bad outcomes

Midwife: Comes alongside the birthing mother as a servant. One to help. Not one to direct.
Dr.: Immediately upon arrival at the institution, he starts to tell you what is needed. He is there to direct you and the whole birthing process.

Midwife: Tries as much as possible not to intervene. Only intervenes if there is true danger to the woman or baby.
Dr.: Intervenes as soon as you arrive - with monitors, IV’s, blood tests, etc.

Midwife: Allows the woman to find her own pace. BF said that once labor starts to really kick in, that is the time you really try to not intervene. If you just sit back and let the woman have her space, each woman will find her own rhythm. Each woman will be different. Some just lay quietly and breathe, some will walk the floor and keep their hands busy, some will try to distract themselves, others will internalize and deal with the pain that way. The key to what she was saying though is that each woman, if left alone, always finds her own rhythm that will get her through the hardest part.
Dr.: The ability for the patient to find her own pace is sometimes non-existent in an institutionalized hospital. There is so much intervention going on that the woman often cannot deal with the pain of labor and thus needs to resort to even more intervention.

Midwife: Assumes you will be fine and have a healthy baby – all on your own.Dr.: Assumes that he needs to protect you so that you will be ok and have a healthy baby.

Now, I have been told that statistically, midwives have far fewer complicated births than in the hospital. (Not the screwed up statistics that don’t allow for the fact that midwives, if they suspect a problem will send their patients to a hospital but just the normal births that happen in both places). BF wondered if some of the problems in an institution were caused by the institution that was there trying to prevent them. How many problems are caused by their intervention? I have asked myself the same question about institutional churches. Do we help to cause the problems that people have?

(Now before you start writing and assuming that I need to give doctors a break – please stop. I have had both. There were times that I needed a medical, traditional doctor desperately. They have saved my life and one of my children’s lives. I value them. So don’t go there. I’m not being unbalanced. They have their place.)

But do you see the parallels of the Doctor/traditional pastor and a Shepherd/Midwife?

Shepherd: Understands that this Christian life we are to live is a natural thing
Trad Pastor: Understands that this Christian life is fraught with pitfalls that he is to protect you from and needs to be constantly monitored for bad outcomes

Shepherd: Is there to come alongside you and walk with you through your journey. A servant – one to help – not to direct
Trad Pastor: Starts at the beginning with a plan, direction, and information about what you need to do to avoid every pitfall that “could” be out there. Heavy direction.

Shepherd: Tries his hardest not to intervene. Only intervenes at crucial periods.
Trad Pastor: Intervention is his middle name – if not his first.

Shepherd: Understands that each person in their walk with God will have to find their own rhythm. Does not think that everyone will look the same – especially in the hardest moments. Does not have a cookie cutter plan for discipleship.
Trad Pastor: Does not understand this at all. Has a dictated plan for everyone that usually looks like the plan that he has found to work for himself.

Shepherd: Assumes that you and God will have a great life together. Knows that it is a natural process and that he can relax and let the two of you work out almost everything.
Trad Pastor: Wants you to have a great life with God but assumes that he is the critical element in having that happen. With out them, you will not be able to navigate that life safely.

BF went on: Doctors have never seen a truly natural childbirth. They have no experience or training in it. They only know what they have been taught and what they have experienced. They only know all the bad things that can happen and how to prepare for and guard against them. (They also have a huge job making sure they are not sued).

But the same goes for the Traditional Pastor. He has probably never seen leadership done naturally. He has never had a Shepherd and was not trained to be one. As a doctor cannot imagine why anyone would want a natural childbirth at home with a midwife, a traditional pastor cannot imagine why anyone would want a natural Christian life outside his institution. Both have been trained to see all the bad stuff and how to prevent it. Neither have seen the other side.

So my theory is maybe we need both. Just as there is a time to go into the hospital to have a baby and take advantage of all there is to offer in truly desperate care measures, maybe we need some sort of traditional counseling people when there is truly a crisis in our spiritual lives. My proposal is though, that we should not have these people be shepherds. Let’s have the midwives/shepherds take care of the daily cares of the sheep and have the doctor/counselors be the ones to step in when there is a true crisis. One person could be both but he/she needs to understand that their primary role is that of a midwife/shepherd and not get the two confused.

Good Enough to Lead?

On Thursday I read a post at Inward/Outward.

Learning to Forgive:
When we accept that we have weaknesses and flaws, that we have sinned against God and against our brothers and sisters, but that we are forgiven and can grow towards inner freedom and truer love, then we can accept the weaknesses and flaws of others. They too are forgiven by God and are growing towards the freedom of love. We can look at all men and women with realism and love. We can begin to see in them the wound of pain that brings up fear, but also their gift which we can love and admire. We are all mortal and fragile, but we are all unique and precious. There is hope; we can all grow towards greater freedom. We are learning to forgive. (emphasis mine)

Wednesday was a very healing day. We had friends over for a 4th fest. It was complete with all of my favorite things, music, laughter, food, beer, kids, pool, friends, rum punch, fireworks…. We had fun. Gratefully, a lot of former friends and current friends were here. (Old friends who had celebrated every 4th with us for over a decade were not and even though I don’t wish to go back, their lack of presence was felt very keenly by me) The ones who were there were people who had also left our CLB. Some before us, (those who had forgiven us), some after us.

At one point, later in the day, one of the guys picked up his guitar and soon, bit by bit, all of us gathered around in some halting, beautiful worship. Old songs. Songs that had been sung a few years ago and some sung many years ago. Wow, it was good. (Almost made me not dislike the word “worship.” ) We were all a bit weepy.

The thing that struck me was this….Here were a bunch of people – all broken in some way. Some were struggling with hidden things. Some had kids who were not following God. Some with deep issues and areas of un-healed-ness. Yet, they were leading worship. They were playing. Others were just being there. And it was good. Broken people. Worshiping people. People not judging whether or not one was good enough to lead us. People not judging whether you should be there or not. People not judging. Just people worshiping, and singing, and laughing, and eating, and drinking rum punch. And it was good. I think God liked it. I know I did.

See, our CLB used to say that if you played up front on a worship team or were in “ministry” somehow, that your lives had to reflect that you were a good disciple of Jesus or you could not play or or work. Now that sounds good right? Well, it wasn’t.

Because, whose standard do you use to determine if a person’s life reflects the “right amount” of discipleship or Christian growth? I have seen people reprimanded on worship teams or leadership teams for not keeping their cars and houses clean enough. Others because they had a perceived “sexual spirit”. Others for not tithing. Others for not being kind enough. Others for not being under authority. Others for the fact that their children were not OK. Others because they did not reflect the “look” the church wanted to project. It was brutal at times. It hurt a lot of people.

Do you see what this does? At what point do you become good enough for a worship team? At what point do you become bad enough to be removed? And we talk about grace? Where is it? Of course this was always ultimately decided by the leaders.

But again, you could not have someone living in obvious rebellion leading a worship service, right?

And then you ask yourself – what is worse – obvious rebellion or the hidden, secret rebellion that each of us lives with every day. How do you get that off your stage in a church?

All I know is this. I did not have to judge anyone’s life that day. I just sat and watched these people who are deciding to love God as best as they know how, sing some songs about Him and to Him. And I didn’t want to go back to the place that has to determine if someone is OK enough to lead. I know I’m not. How could I judge if anyone else is or not?

So the entry that I started this post with was good to read on Thursday. Very good.

The Person Formerly Known As Your Leader

Bob suggests that, at some point in time, "the system" was working for us; while we may be questioning it now, there was a time when we were getting some kind of perks or rewards from it. Bob suggests that until we, as individuals and groups, honestly deal with the areas of our lives that made us enjoy the system at one point - and repent or receive healing in those areas - we will only replicate the same dysfunctional patterns and attitudes in whatever structured or destructured group we ended up joining or creating. Robert C. Girard

This is a response to what I have read in The People Formerly Known as Series. It is a repentance. I know than many of the other writers have used the Polemic “we” but I can’t do that yet. This is personal, a confession from my heart to all of you.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader.

I was the supporting cast in our church. I was not one of the “Main” leaders. I was never paid to lead. I had “leadership roles.” I (along with my husband) was viewed as one of the supporting pillars in our community of believers. I tried not to be one of the front leaders. I simply took the vision of the church, supported it, taught it, explained it, fought for it and promised loyalty to it. For almost 20 years my husband and I have been in this role and just recently we have come to see many things we never would have thought possible.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader

All this time I worked as your leader. I was at one time or another, your small group leader, your counselor, and your ministry head (nursery, new member development, etc). I helped at various times on the worship team, the prayer team, the nursery, the elder board, the college ministry team, the hospitality team, and I’m sure a host of other teams and positions.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader

Because of all this, I need to repent and ask your forgiveness. I was wrong. I thought wrong things. I believed wrong things. I modeled wrong things. I taught wrong things. I was wrong. I have sinned against you and the others and against my grace loving, mercy giving, all powerful, all loving God.

- I repent for teaching and modeling that the “covering” of our church, my leadership, and our network would keep you from going into rebellion or deception.

- I took your private confidences and passed them on to the other leaders regardless of my telling you that I wouldn’t. I told myself that this was an accepted practice to gain wisdom in dealing with your situation. Now I see it was probably mostly to garner, in some twisted way, the favor of my leaders, to show my loyalty and to gain a better placement of myself in their leadership system.

- I taught, modeled and practiced tithing. I taught you that if you didn’t tithe, bad things would happen to you and/or your finances. Now I understand the fallacy of this. It is a fear tactic – and it is not of God.

- I did not stand up and speak up when I heard and saw something wrong being taught, lived, or modeled. In this way, you, as people who respected me had neither voice nor protection. There were many times I should have spoken up gently/humbly to correct other leaders around me. I wrongly felt that it was up to God to correct and deal with them. That it was not my “place” to correct “God’s Anointed.”

- I wanted to be seen by leaders as loyal and mostly I wanted to be in what I perceived as one of the “inner circles of friendship.” I bought their friendship with flattering words, serving them unconditionally, not making waves, not challenging them and being disloyal to what I sometimes knew was wrong. I was a religious whore.

- I taught you that with leaders, you did not have the right to expect friendship or any sort of loyalty back. I told you that you should become what I had become, completely a servant. They owed you and me nothing. I have learned to watch out for “friendships” where I am the servant only. I have learned my “servanthood” was nothing more than trying to manipulate myself into prominence.

- I taught that the church was an Army and that we therefore needed Generals and Sergeants to lead us. (I of course saw myself as the sergeant – not the head but certainly one of the right arms of the head.) Again, I did not read my Bible.

- I taught you to despise other churches in our city. I taught you that they were not as enlightened as us, did not have as much of the Holy Spirit as us, could not worship as we did, did not recognize the leadership in our church and come under their apostolic leadership, and so many other things. I hinted at their pastors “weaknesses.” I judged their programs, people, leaders and lives as unfit for the true expression of the Kingdom of God and taught you to do the same. It is true that I did see many legitimate problems, and I still do but I had pulled back and decided I was done with the all but the select body of Christ in our area and encouraged you to also “not waste your time.”

- I practiced and taught you “shunning.” This is the practice of not associating with those who have left our body. I taught you to look the other way in the grocery store. To ignore their emails and be succinct and distant when they called you. I taught you that you could be contaminated by a perceived friendship with them, and instilled in you the fear that was in me, that I would be seen as disloyal.

- I taught you that when people left our body, they left their destiny. I thought that the only way they were to fulfill what God had for them was through our particular church.

- I encouraged you in total obedience to our leaders and total submission of ministry to their vision. I often referred to the church as being in the leaders’ “boat.” We were to totally get in this “boat” and leave it up to God and the leaders where and how to navigate this life. We were not to question this boat leader’s vision or direction as they were “hearing from God”. If you wanted to minister it had to be under their direct “umbrella.”

My pride, arrogance, manipulation and disregard for the scripture are detestable to me. In that I was your leader, role model, and teacher makes it doubly serious. I know of nothing else than to remove myself.

I am not beating myself up as to the point where I imagine that I did nothing right. There were many of you that I loved unconditionally. We showed hospitality, we modeled a good marriage, an open and honest life and when I needed to, I have asked your forgiveness. But the scope and magnitude which I see my own heart today is detestable to me.

So today, I ask your forgiveness. I know many of you were not directly under my leadership. So why do I ask your forgiveness? This is why. - Maybe in reading my “confession” you will come to realize that those in leadership above you who have inflicted so many hurts will someday come to realize what they have done. Maybe your prayers for them will result in them walking out of their own deception. Maybe the grace that you show to them will be a signpost for them to follow. Maybe in not hating them you will be able to love and pray for their blinders to fall off.From my heart to you, I am so sorry, please forgive me. And please forgive those who also have been your leaders.

A Person Formerly Known As Your Leader