A New Year: Of Brokenness and Healing - Alex Blanton

A man named Alex Blanton left a comment on my post the other day about a Hope Deferred: Heart Flat Lined. He gave me a link to something he had written at the beginning of this new year. I wanted to highlight his post today in its entirety as it answers my post with wisdom and insight of what is going on in so many of our lives. Enjoy!

A New Year: Of Brokenness and Healing

Here we are again at the brink of a new year. In the past, I have usually taken the opportunity of breaking away for a little planning, a little casting of vision, and a bit of praying about all the shining new opportunities that the Lord would have in store for the coming year. This is all just fine and swell.

This past year however, I feel like Father has been slowly and methodically taking every plan, dream, vision, etc. and put them through the shredder. (It's funny - I actually remember praying and singing that they were His.) Now I stand looking into this new year, and you know what? I am pretty desperate for something completely new.

No - not just a new vision, plan, dream, whatever - I desperately need Him to pop me open and pour bucket after bucket full of Himself into my utter emptiness. It has not been fun to watch Him unravel and deconstruct all my false notions and paradigms I have had about following and living for Him, and I am not sure He is done yet, but I realize that if I do not have He Himself fill me to overflowing with all of who He is, then I am utterly without hope.

But is this not true of all of us? Why must He use our suffering to expose our illusions, fallacies, and delusions - to reveal our true emptiness and brokenness? But why do we run from it?

Funny thing is that I have watched many that the Lord has had us in contact with in these last few years, and it seems like they are all going through similar transitions. The Father has taken them through disruptions and other unpleasantness to find their former expectations unfulfilled and oddly hollow. It's not like God takes pleasure in thwarting our pursuits and expectations, but strangely, it is as if He is not content in letting us chase after these things any longer, no matter how worthy or meaningful they appeared to us before.

Does anything compare to receiving and experiencing the depths of God Himself? Could it be that "we have all like sheep gone astray, each of us to chase after our own vain fantasies?"

We have been told for so long, with the best of intentions I think (and not without scriptural precedent), that we should all be seeking and listening for God's will for our lives - looking for "God's purpose for our lives." He is the King. Yes! Pursuing our own purposes and expectations for our lives has never worked out, we think to ourselves, so knowing and following His plan would be so much better!

So, we wait for some divine message. We parse the heavens and the earth. We look at our lives and our circumstances for signs that help us unravel this code for why God has us where we are, going through what we are going through. Surely, we think, this is all happening for some greater purpose, that we are supposed to be a part of something greater than ourselves. If somehow, we think, we can figure out what that thing is, then all the pieces of our lives will fall into place. (Or at least the ones that make it bearable.)

Okay - so, now something happens and we are convinced this may be an overture of divine grace upon our lives - God's immanent hand moving to reveal to us at last His intentions for our mundane existence. So, we jump into it, full of gusto, and get on with the business of fulfilling God's purposes and expectations for our lives. No pressure there! But we jump in nonetheless. This is God's plan, right? What could possibly go wrong.

Then things go wrong.

Either through someone else, something else, or even (most of the time) through just ourselves, things manage to get screwed up. Royally. Not a little hurt and confused, we crawl back to Jesus for grace, licking our wounds. OK - this was our fault probably. So, we get back out there and go to work at The Plan again. Fulfilling God's purposes and expectations should be doable - we've got the Holy Spirit working with us and all that, right?

Well, somewhere along the way things get mixed up, screwed up, misdirected, misguided, misunderstood, again and again and again. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough passion, discernment, motivation, money, commitment - the list of our failures and shortcomings goes on and on. The problem with living at trying to fulfill God's purposes and expectations for our lives is that when we cannot live up to them, we have to answer to God Himself. Each time things go wrong, we come back more disappointed and disillusioned. What is going on God? Was this not Your plan here that you wanted me to fulfill? It is Your purposes for my life I am trying to work out here! It is Your Kingdom that I am trying to extend! Some get frustrated and angry believing that God is distant and uninterested at best, fickle and unjust at worst. Some beat themselves up with guilt for their inadequacies, believing that God is not pleased with them, always standing just out of reach. Either way, we are rather let down that we are still left standing with a bunch of broken puzzle pieces. Everyone seems to have an opinion or a suggestion about how they are supposed to go together, but somehow we just don't really care anymore.

Does this sound familiar?

from beginning to end. What have we really been pursuing in our hopes of fulfilling God's mission and purpose for our lives? Did it ever occur to us that God may, in fact, be the one frustrating our efforts? Like, on Do you see something wrong with this picture though? This story has really been all about my purpose?

The problem with this whole scenario of discovering God's greater purposes for the universe, is that corrupt tendency in us to then chase after that thing rather then after God Himself. Why do we keep doing this? Why do things always get twisted into being about how we can fulfill our supposed needs and desires if we somehow get things right? We scour the scriptures. We take furious notes. We serve diligently. We give faithfully. We pray passionately. But we are still doing it for ourselves.

Here is the paradigm shift for me, folks: From life being about me finding and fulfilling God's purposes for my life, to life being about God finding me and God fulfilling my life in Him.

I believe this is where we get things all turned around and mixed up, and He is allowing us to get just as frustrated and disillusioned as we need to in order to figure it out. He knows that our deepest needs - the need for security and significance in life - can only be fulfilled in Him. But in our brokenness, we seek to use even God and His "purposes" as a means to find and fulfill this within ourselves. It's still all about us. Even in pursuing all those things that are good and wonderful about God and His' plan for the universe, we will still miss the mark if our goal is not deeper knowledge of Him.

Knowing God is not a cognitive exercise, a means by which we will have the tools to succeed in living life for Him. If that is our paradigm, then He will let us trip and fall as many times as it takes for us to see that we are missing it. This is a supreme act of intimacy, of laying ourselves bare before one in whom we can trust, and discovering the other has done the same. What God desires of us, is that we would choose to be vulnerable and bare - open and honest before Him. Open and honest with our shame and blemishes, to bare even the darkest corners of our hearts. To stand naked before Him and be revealed in even in our most bitter suffering.

Why? Because this is our true selves. The one that we try to cover and hide. The one that we try to marginalize through our own efforts. The one that we think that we can heal and patch up through fulfilling even the fantasies that we have about serving and following God. But God is not interested in our fantasies - the illusions we hold about ourselves, or of what we will do for Him.

You see, our brokenness warps even our love and our desire for Him. What He is interested in is us seeing ourselves as we truly are, in all of our brokenness, and choosing to not hide from Him any longer, but to stand naked before Him. In that moment, we discover that He has seen our true selves all along, but it is we who were fooled. It is this self-deception that keeps us from being healed and experiencing the depths of His surpassing love.

Until we are honest with who we really are, however, we are not open to receive the Love that transforms and heals our brokenness. In that moment, we discover that He has already returned the trust and vulnerability of love, and always has. Why would He risk so much on Adam and Eve? Why would He lay down His' own life, become a man to suffer for the sake of humanity? Could God really be so open and bare before us? Nakedness faces nakedness, and all is revealed. This is knowing and being known by God.

Each of us has an inherent need for security and significance, but we think these things are found to actually doing something. What we fail to realize is this: It is love that makes us safe and secure. It is love that makes us significant and important. Think about it: When we are truly loved by someone we experience all the security and significance that we need to simply be who we are. No more, no less. But if we feel we must put on pretenses, fulfill expectations, or otherwise be more than who we really are then the relationship is lacking real depth, isn't it? If we do not feel truly safe and significant to God, then His love has not been perfected in us. Perfect love casts out all fear. When we experience and live daily in the confidence of this love however, it transforms how we view ourselves, and how we respond to others, to life, to His' promptings on our hearts.

It also opens us up to receive the healing that comes by knowing Him in our deepest and most vulnerable places. 1 John says "If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." This honest bearing of our brokenness and inability to carry out His purposes is exactly this kind of confession. When we finally see who we really are, and we stop running to other vain ambitions (even those we pursue in His name), then He is able to show the deepest work of His' love and healing in our lives. He begins to make us whole.

Why does He do this? So we can get back out there and finally "get it right?" Finally fulfill His purpose, His mission, His grand plan for the cosmos? What you think this "grand plan" really is will affect the answer I think. I think the reason we fall short as disciples and as the Body of Christ is not that we fail to grasp the mission and purposes of God, but that we fail to grasp worship in it's true and proper context. God's plan was to have a people that would enjoy the same relationship with Him that He enjoys within Himself.

Why do we think the love of God is a prelude to something else, something greater? We have heard it said that sin is it's own punishment. This may be true, but the flip side of this is that love is it's own reward. God Himself will be our reward for knowing and following Him. There is nothing beyond this. God's purpose is Himself. His' plan for the cosmos and for all humanity is Himself. He is the I AM. The one who is self-fulfilled and fulfilling of all things in Himself. That we would know and be known by Him, in the same manner of which I have been writing, is the sole purpose of knowing and doing anything at all.

This is exactly what we see revealed in the closing sections of scripture - at the end of time we finally see what God has intended all along for us humans. That we, both together and individually, would know and be known by Him. As a bride with her husband, so shall we be revealed together with Christ at the end of the age. Once broken, now finally made whole. Once shameful and blemished, now spotless and glorious, together with Him. This brokenness each of us hides, layer upon layer, means that there is a healing that He alone brings, washing us over and over and over again with His love. Experiencing and returning His love is the means and the purpose of all things.

You see, all this suffering is only a prelude to glory, but it has already been revealed and opened up to us. God has bared Himself completely in Jesus Christ. He has already made Himself vulnerable, risking it all, and waits to see how we will respond to His overtures of love.

So, looking at this new year I can see the process that He has been working in me. Answering my deepest prayers, He has been slowly stripping away the dirty old rags I have used to cover myself up with, letting Him reveal more and more of my brokenness. I don't think He is by any means done, but I see that healing is coming. And I see that risking everything on love is the only sure gamble a person can make.

Supernatural Words - I'm Sorry, I Was Wrong, Please Forgive Me

Over the past few days my blog has received over 900 page loads. My blog got picked up by a blog and a forum. Someone who was interested in exposing the New Apostolic Reformation landed on my site and started looking around.

I would have expected the pages that they would link to would be the ones where I was ranting about the NAR or calling for Honesty. But no….the page that was linked to and most hit was one of my first posts (The Person Formerly Known As Your Leader) where I publicly repented for my part in the leadership of our group. I wrote it as a response to the posts that were being written as the People Formerly Known as…… (You can see all that were written at the time at Bill Kinnon’s link on his left sidebar.)


As I looked at all the people who were reading my repentance and some of their comments I realized anew that the one thing the world longs for in relationship is someone who will say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” Whether it is a husband and wife relationship, a parent to their children or a child to his parent, a governmental official to his constituents or a church leader to his congregation, we long to hear those words.


In the case of a governmental (or parental) role you might think that admitting your “wrongness” would give the impression that you could not be trusted to lead. This is totally opposite of the truth. Admitting you are wrong may at first bring on the, “I told you so’s” but given time, people will realize that you can be trusted more than those who rationalize and explain away their behavior.


The world longs for, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, Please forgive me.” These words bring out humility and put everyone on the same playing field. They cause you to get under someone that you have offended and then lift them up. They heal, they save and they restore relationship.


Those words have done more to repair relationships of Husband and I to our children than all the “parenting” that we have ever done. They have restored relationships of people who had left our church before we did - those whom we shunned and believed lies about.

In the realm of relationships these words are truly miraculous. They are magic. No.....they are supernatural.


Today, if you truly wish to walk in the supernatural, say them to someone. Then stand back and watch a miracle.


Let GodTV air that one.

Disclaimer Needed

Ok, I’m speaking to all of you who blog that are on my sidebar. Yes, YOU, Brother Maynard, Robbie, Grace, David, Bill, Jeff, Heidi, (both of you), Tracy, Glenn, Michael, Alan, Abmo, Wayne and Darin, Paul, and all the rest. I have decided that you need a disclaimer on your blogs. You need to warn people. You need to understand what you are doing and warn people of the outcome of what you are writing.

Let me explain....... I began reading your sites totally excited to find you. I loved what you wrote and identified closely to your stories. I drank in the new things that the Father was showing you. I learned from you. I felt as if we were friends even.

But I never thought I would end up, here, where I find myself.

I am so far away from being able to walk into another Sunday Morning Club and make myself fit. I totally don’t even speak the same language. I find myself longing for the community but unable to even speak the same language. I might as well be in a foreign country trying to communicate as to try to communicate with the common Christian that I find myself confronted with. I thought our lives would parallel the 'church.' At the juncture of our lives where we left, I now find myself at on a course of what was then a 90 degree angle. Only I had NO IDEA.

See I am thinking now. I am able to spot and smell the tainted smell of control and false teaching. Granted I’m sure - totally sure - I don’t have a corner on truth. I can just smell those who think they do. I have woken up. I have taken the red pill. I am no longer in the world of la-la land.

But I remember that world. I love that world. I can taste the "steak." I remember.

Not the bad parts but the parts that put me into community. I long for community. In some ways I relate to a drug addict where the drugs induced a state of mind that was so easily attainable that real life paled in comparison. Community in the institutional church was like that. Instantaneous and easy to obtain. Instant gratification. Instant friends. Instant community. Instant goals and ideals. We were one.

But we weren’t. When questioned, it disappeared like a vapor. Friendships disappeared. Community vanished.

I miss it so much today.

So to all of you who write in such a subversive fashion, let me say this. You should warn people. WE should warn people. We should say something like this:

Beware all who land on this site. This site may enable you to see truth for the first time. Seeing truth may be just what you are looking for but you need to be careful. Once you have tasted truth you will never be able to stomach lies. You are on dangerous ground if you ever want to fit into the established system. You may lose all your friends. You may not have anyone left to worship with. Your children may be left only to you to raise. God will not be controlled any longer. He will be good but no longer safe in that you will not be able to predict his every move. And as for many of your friends. You will need to be willing to loose them. They may (probably will) shun you, dismiss you and turn away from you despite what you now may think. You need to think long and hard about this because it will affect your life. Please be careful with this site. Only enter at your own risk.

I know that sounds over the top. But today I’m not so sure it is.

Memes and My Insecurities

The whole meme thing is stirring something in me that feels very familiar. First of all, for those who are new to the blogsphere – a meme is where someone comes up with an idea or topic and writes a piece on it. They then “tag” or name usually five others bloggers and ask them to write on the same topic. Those bloggers, in turn, write on the subject and “tag” five others and so on and so on and so on. It can range from a serious topic, like say - the condition of the church or a lighthearted topic as in - 10 things that make you happy.

Now don’t get me wrong…..Some wonderful conversations have come out of some of the memes that have gone on since I started to participate in this community in the last year. I think one of my favorites was the one on prayer – maybe because this was such an important topic for me at the time. Others have been fun and informative….some just….well….not as important to me. Have you ever seen a meme on someone’s blog and thought to yourself…..”Oh, I hope they pick me?” (Or, “Please don’t pick me?” :0)

As the last few memes have gone around and especially since Brother Maynard proposed his (which, I think was a really good one), I noticed myself reacting again in a way that seems very familiar to me. A couple of old feelings I had felt in my CLB (Church Left Behind) were stirred in me.

The first feeling is primarily a longing to belong and be important to a group of people. To be noticed. To be thought intelligent. To be the person that someone wants to hear from. To be singled out especially by people that I deem as "important." To be singled out by someone that I considered a leader - even here in the blogsphere (this, in itself is another post) was becoming important. Back in my CLB this was VERY important to me. I worked long and hard to be one of the “special" ones. It caused me to compromise what I knew was right and it caused me to treat others as a means to an end. It created stress and competition with others. I don’t want to go there again.

And then with some of the memes that tag me there comes a second familiar feeling. This feeling is the pressure to conform and the feeling of obligation. To show yourself one of the group. To show loyalty. To participate whether you really wanted to or not. To be nice even when you really don’t want to do something. (If someone tags you and you really have nothing to say, should you write something? If it does not interest you can you say, “No thanks?” ) (Bill does ;o)

See, in my CLB, whenever the leadership had an idea for a meeting or decided to bring in the newest special speaker – most of us were not asked about it. There were not many times in my memory that anyone in leadership asked the congregation or even the "inner leaders" if it was a good time in their schedules for an event or meeting to be planned. It was just announced. People were “tagged.” Your team will do the bulk of the worship, you will be needed for hospitality, we will need you for the sound, and your team for the setup, we need these finances to pay for it – you put out an email to those who own their own businesses. Every one was assumed to be on board, every one expected to be there and I always felt guilty if I couldn’t be there or didn’t want to participate. So I would participate to show loyalty and so that people would think highly of me. My husband would be pressured by me to be there. My kids would call off work so they could support the group. We were the model “Church Lady” and her family. UGH!

In my year out of church life I have loved the freedom from the pressure that I put on myself to want to belong (be tagged) and the freedom to not have to participate in something to show my loyalty or worry about what others were thinking. I thought myself free of those things.

But this whole meme thing has brought it all out in me again. Let me make this really clear. I’m not against memes that tag certain other bloggers. I’m not condemning them or you. I’m just going to be real here and let you know that from now on, if I really have something to say, I will. But if I don’t – please don’t be offended. You can tag me or not - it really doesn't matter. If I want to chime in and no one has tagged me I will. If someone tags me and I dont have anything to say, I'll say that. If it doesn't interest me, I'll just be quiet. I don’t want to play along to just belong, be loyal or not hurt someone’s feelings that tagged me. I don’t want to pressure anyone into participation that would really rather not participate.

Nor do I want to create a climate where someone is sitting at home being sad that they did not get included. I didn't pay enough attention to others in my CLB, I don't want to start doing that here. I don’t want to belong to the “in” group of bloggers. (How sad is that that I somehow think there is an “in” group – Do you see my problem?) It is just not good for me right now.

I have loved the times that memes have just grown organically. Most recently, I loved Heather’s post that generated such good discussion. I loved Erin’s post that sparked so many other great thoughts and writings. I really like Glenn’s and others’ monthly syncroblogs and the feeling that anyone can participate or not and there is no pressure. All are welcome to speak/write.

I don’t want to ever go back to feeling like I need to be something to a group of people to get my identity needs satisfied. I want to guard my heart so that my blog and my friends that read and comment here don’t’ become my new way of feeding my brokenness and insecurities. I want Father to give me that, not you guys.

By the way…my favorite book is most definitely Galatians!! And as far as a manifesto for a church -(thanks Heather) how about having a group where I don't abuse you guys to get my needs met.

(Off topic - I'm tempted to get my husband to help me come up with 10 Memes That No One Would Participate In) (Go ahead and leave your ideas - you know you want to!!!!!)

A Place For Us - Am I Really Ready?

Erin over at Decompressing Faith has a beautiful post on finding a place for those who are not fitting in anywhere formal yet long for community. The post and the following comments, questions and heart cries from many of us have been rolling around in my mind since last Tuesday.

I began dreaming. What would it look like if we that blog together could actually, magically be in the same location for a long while and physically meet together. Could we – who in so many ways have experienced some of the same things and have come to some if not most of the same conclusions – be able to meet together and love each other in a successful and meaningful way? It should be easy right? We like each other now as we read and write.

From what I have seen and read, we are a pretty open minded group of people. We have decided that the box that is American Christianity is not for us right now. We are more given to being open and honest – sometimes brutally at times. We are, as a whole, not afraid of admitting that we are broken. So would we be able to make this work?

Gary Means asked this question in a comment on Erin’s post – it is really my question: Are we humans too flawed to design and develop a community of organized chaos where love of God and others is the guiding factor?

And here is where I had to get really honest. I think we would have a tough time of it. The blogsphere is simply our lives written in antiseptic form. Our posts are what we want to share.

To read my blog does not demand that you labor at all with me. I make no demands of you. I don’t call you at 10:30pm to have you check on my elderly parents when I am on vacation. You don’t have to put up with me always having something to say about whatever is going on. You don’t have to put up with Husband’s endless puns. My kids are not leaving fingerprints on your wallpaper when we visit or crumbs in your couch. You don’t have to put up with the fact that my youngest son is spoiled because by the time we got to #7 we were just worn out. You don’t have to worry that my kids might be a bad influence on yours. (did you know I let my kids play World of Warcraft?) We don’t have to deal with each other’s parenting or lack thereof.

I think you get my point. There is a lot that we agree on but there is also a lot that we don’t have to deal with. And it is this real life “dealing with each other” that relationships break down and friction occurs. It is here that it becomes "not fun" and work.

I know this is not what Erin was really asking…and reading her for this past year assures me that she is not in denial about what it would really involve to meet together with a group of people…but I had to face this as I mulled it over this week. I am ready to have a group of people – a community around me. But am I ready to pay the price to do it? Do I have real expectations of what it will really be like? Am I prepared to love those around me that I find hard to love? We are all dysfunctional to some extent. Am I ready to meet together regularly with those who will bring that dysfunction into my own living room?

Do I long for the perfect group or am I willing to belong to and love regular people like me?

Spiritual Abuse - Another Heartbreaking Story

Yesterday, after I had posted about it being 9 months and still reeling from the sadness that engulfed me, I googled spiritual abuse in the Blog section of Google. Somehow I came accross a story that broke my heart, encouraged me, and somehow strengthened me. Maybe misery really does love company ;)

A man and his wife in Australia are finding their way out of a horribly destructive charismatic authoritarian cult. He writes poignantly about his life over the past year. Husband and I spent the evening reading and crying along. The words on the page - while what we went through was mild in comparison - jumped out at us and resonated in us. This man knew how we felt and we, in a small way, could relate to how he described his feelings.

I encourage you who are climbing out of a hole of being beat up in the church to read their story and hang around them and love on them as you have me. You can find it at http://weescapedacult.blogspot.com/

How I wish that all of you were in one place where we could put together a retreat center - free of charge- to just let people come and be with us and heal up a bit in a place where others speak the same language of grace and understanding. Cyber will have to do for now.

Leaving and The Truman Show

8 months out of leaving our former church and I am still learning some things. I was talking to my daughter the past few days. It has been a hard few weeks for her. For one, she ran into a whole group of teens and youth that still attend our old church. The sight of them and their subsequent shunning of her was so hard to take. It brought up all the old hurts in a way that I was shocked at how much she was still angry and unhealed. As we talked I realized that my leaving and her leaving were two different things entirely.

My leaving was much like watching the movie, The Truman Show starring Jim Carrey. In fact I was fascinated to see how the plot of the movie detailed my life in our church Some highlights:
The director tried to appear benevolent but it was all for the money and his
prestige.
Those who dared go against the master plan of the director were quickly removed.
The whole plot depended on everyone playing their part.
Those who actually made the show happen had to pack away their conscience.
When Truman started to question his surroundings the usual tactic was used to
convince him that he was the crazy one.

And that was my church life. Like Truman, the first thing that I finally saw as unreal (for Truman it was the spotlight that landed in the street – for me the questioning of the use of titles) started me to question all the other things. It was because of my questions and the ensuing answers that did not match up to what Jesus taught, that I left.

But for my daughter it was not that at all. For her, she left because of the hurt and pain that she was made to feel from the people there. In fact she actually left a year before the rest of us did.

But because of this, I don’t know how to really help her. For me, I am just able to realize that I and everyone else were deceived and therefore I have changed my mind. This gets easier and easier the further away from May that I get. This does not work with her though. She has been wounded. She still bleeds. To see someone or think of times in the past will throw her back into the hurt of the day it happened. It is as fresh as if it were happening again, all over. The unhealed-ness is heartbreaking to watch and I feel helpless. Of course I know all the lines I would have told her last year at this time…”you just need to forgive, just trust God to work it all out, try to pray more, just have faith.” Fortunately, I know how wrong those would be to use on her right now.

Best Friend says it just takes more time and someone to talk to. I believe that and am more than willing to wait but do any of you have any more advice for us? Is there anything I can do with her or for her? She trusts me. Our relationship is really good which is amazing since I in so many ways encouraged her to just take the abuse and not say anything because these people were our leaders.

The best line by Truman’s best friend (one of the cast): “Nothing you see on this show is fake…it is merely….”controlled”.” For me, I realized that it was controlling and walked out. For my daughter, she was one of the ones who was controlled and thus hurt.
What do you think?

When I am Weak - Parts 1 and 2

A good New Year to you All!!

I read somewhere on someone’s blog once that you can usually find what you want to say, only better, in someone else’s’ words if you look long enough.

The last two posts of Abmo on Windblown Hope have been brilliant, encouraging and comforting. This is what building up of the body looks like. Please read part 1 here and part 2 here and add him to your blog visits.

It is still hard to believe that I don't have to be the first lady (Church Lady) he describes anymore. Not that I could.

Updated: part 3 here

A More Complete Picture

In my post of Sunday, the comments were so good. Two of them urged me to be careful to not dismiss the power of the resurrection, which is at work in us now. Husband and I talked about what I had written and what the article I had referenced said and he also was uncomfortable with the whole tone of it.

You are all so right. In re-reading the article in its totality there is an air of despair and futility that I actually do not feel. I get the point that the author was trying to make that Jesus does embrace our brokenness yet I am convinced that he longs to heal it. I have seen resurrection power in my life and in others around me. I am changed. I am being changed. In coming to a place of repentance – even here in this time that I am walking through in my life - that is changing me. It is healing me and transforming me. I have seen the victorious life. I have seen healing, wholeness, transformation, deliverance and salvation. Here in this life – now. I also live with brokenness but I do not want to celebrate the brokenness – I celebrate the Love that loves me when I am broken and longs to heal me. I celebrate not other’s brokenness but my ability through Jesus to love them even in that place and give them a hope that there really is a healer and one who desires to pull them close to himself. Those two are different.

I am bothered (in re-reading the piece) by his words that seem to give that changing power of the love of God a seeming second place. Yes, Jesus does embrace our brokenness but gently, by learning to lean into him, he also begins to heal it. Not every time. But scripture is replete with the heart of God being revealed to do this very thing.

I guess I have spent so much of my church life trying not to look broken and also not loving those who were broken, that it struck a chord of resonance in me. When that happens I tend to get tunnel vision. I state things too brashly. I make things too simple to get across my point. I become lopsided. And sometimes when Husband or someone else tries to point out what I am missing – I may get a bit prickly.

There is truth in so much of what we write but I need to be careful to examine things from all angles. I’m not very good at this. I often go off onto tangents that leave Husband fearing for my life. I don’t actually live that way for long but I’m sure it is scary.

Which is why I need others in my life. I posted one day on Mary’s blog that I think very linearly. Therefore I, in my attempt to get to a point, may miss some very important and crucial elements in the whole picture. Husband thinks circularly. He is more apt to see the bigger picture with all the fine details. Best Friend is also like this. You think God thought I needed others around me who were not like me? Duh……

So thanks to you who are commenting. Keep challenging me. Thank you, Husband. Your patience with me is amazing. I need to lean on you more.

Speaking of Brokenness

In my browsing today and in light of what I wrote the other day, (Good Enough To Lead?), please check out this article from The Internet Monk entitled, "When I Am Weak."

It will bring reality to your Sunday.

In case you don't have time to read the whole article, let me paste here a few paragraphs.

Indeed. Why are we, after all that confident talk of "new life," "new creation," "the power of God," "healing," "wisdom," "miracles," "the power of prayer," ...why are we so weak? Why do so many "good Christian people," turn out to be just like everyone else? Divorced. Depressed. Broken. Messed up. Full of pain and secrets. Addicted, needy and phony. I thought we were different.

It's remarkable, considering the tone of so many Christian sermons and messages, that any church has honest people show up at all. I can't imagine that any religion in the history of humanity has made as many clearly false claims and promises as evangelical Christians in their quest to say that Jesus makes us better people right now. With their constant promises of joy, power, contentment, healing, prosperity, purpose, better relationships, successful parenting and freedom from every kind of oppression and affliction, I wonder why more Christians aren't either being sued by the rest of humanity for lying or hauled off to a psych ward to be examined for serious delusions.

And later in the article,

We need our brokenness. We need to admit it and know it is the real, true stuff of our earthly journey in a fallen world. It's the cross on which Jesus meets us. It is the incarnation he takes up for us. It's what his hands touch when he holds us. Do you remember this story? It's often been told, but oh how true it is as a GOSPEL story (not a law story.) It is a Gospel story about Jesus and how I experience him in this "twisted" life.

In his book Mortal Lessons (Touchstone Books, 1987) physician Richard Selzer describes a scene in a hospital room after he had performed surgery on a young woman's face: I stand by the bed where the young woman lies . . . her face, postoperative . . . her mouth twisted in palsy . . . clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, one of the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. She will be that way from now on. I had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh, I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had cut this little nerve. Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to be in a world all their own in the evening lamplight . . . isolated from me . . .private.

Who are they? I ask myself . . . he and this wry mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously. The young woman speaks. "Will my mouth always be like this?" she asks. "Yes," I say, "it will. It is because the nerve was cut." She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles. "I like it," he says, "it's kind of cute." All at once I know who he is. I understand, and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with the divine. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers. . . to show her that their kiss still works.

This is who Jesus has always been. And if you think you are getting to be a great kisser or are looking desirable, I feel sorry for you. He wraps himself around our hurts, our brokenness and our ugly, ever-present sin. Those of you who want to draw big, dark lines between my humanity and my sin, go right ahead, but I'm not joining you. It's all ME. And I need Jesus so much to love me like I really am: brokenness, memories, wounds, sins, addictions, lies, death, fear....all of it. Take all it, Lord Jesus. If I don't present this broken, messed up person to Jesus, my faith is dishonest, and my understanding of it will become a way of continuing the ruse and pretense of being "good."

Good reading for a Sunday Morning - Especially for Church Lady.

Good Enough to Lead?

On Thursday I read a post at Inward/Outward.

Learning to Forgive:
When we accept that we have weaknesses and flaws, that we have sinned against God and against our brothers and sisters, but that we are forgiven and can grow towards inner freedom and truer love, then we can accept the weaknesses and flaws of others. They too are forgiven by God and are growing towards the freedom of love. We can look at all men and women with realism and love. We can begin to see in them the wound of pain that brings up fear, but also their gift which we can love and admire. We are all mortal and fragile, but we are all unique and precious. There is hope; we can all grow towards greater freedom. We are learning to forgive. (emphasis mine)

Wednesday was a very healing day. We had friends over for a 4th fest. It was complete with all of my favorite things, music, laughter, food, beer, kids, pool, friends, rum punch, fireworks…. We had fun. Gratefully, a lot of former friends and current friends were here. (Old friends who had celebrated every 4th with us for over a decade were not and even though I don’t wish to go back, their lack of presence was felt very keenly by me) The ones who were there were people who had also left our CLB. Some before us, (those who had forgiven us), some after us.

At one point, later in the day, one of the guys picked up his guitar and soon, bit by bit, all of us gathered around in some halting, beautiful worship. Old songs. Songs that had been sung a few years ago and some sung many years ago. Wow, it was good. (Almost made me not dislike the word “worship.” ) We were all a bit weepy.

The thing that struck me was this….Here were a bunch of people – all broken in some way. Some were struggling with hidden things. Some had kids who were not following God. Some with deep issues and areas of un-healed-ness. Yet, they were leading worship. They were playing. Others were just being there. And it was good. Broken people. Worshiping people. People not judging whether or not one was good enough to lead us. People not judging whether you should be there or not. People not judging. Just people worshiping, and singing, and laughing, and eating, and drinking rum punch. And it was good. I think God liked it. I know I did.

See, our CLB used to say that if you played up front on a worship team or were in “ministry” somehow, that your lives had to reflect that you were a good disciple of Jesus or you could not play or or work. Now that sounds good right? Well, it wasn’t.

Because, whose standard do you use to determine if a person’s life reflects the “right amount” of discipleship or Christian growth? I have seen people reprimanded on worship teams or leadership teams for not keeping their cars and houses clean enough. Others because they had a perceived “sexual spirit”. Others for not tithing. Others for not being kind enough. Others for not being under authority. Others for the fact that their children were not OK. Others because they did not reflect the “look” the church wanted to project. It was brutal at times. It hurt a lot of people.

Do you see what this does? At what point do you become good enough for a worship team? At what point do you become bad enough to be removed? And we talk about grace? Where is it? Of course this was always ultimately decided by the leaders.

But again, you could not have someone living in obvious rebellion leading a worship service, right?

And then you ask yourself – what is worse – obvious rebellion or the hidden, secret rebellion that each of us lives with every day. How do you get that off your stage in a church?

All I know is this. I did not have to judge anyone’s life that day. I just sat and watched these people who are deciding to love God as best as they know how, sing some songs about Him and to Him. And I didn’t want to go back to the place that has to determine if someone is OK enough to lead. I know I’m not. How could I judge if anyone else is or not?

So the entry that I started this post with was good to read on Thursday. Very good.