Closets and Keeping a Record of Wrongs or Not Forgiving

Given the comments on the last post of Closets and Leaving, I see that many people have experienced and felt the same. They too have dealt with leaving for sometimes a seemingly small thing only to realize that the things over the years that had not been dealt with and had been pushed into a "closet" in their spirits were the real reasons for eventually leaving a group or church.

In the comments, Mary touched on a topic related to this that I want to address. She said that if she spoke to anyone about all the things that she had in her 'closet' they would accuse her of keeping account of wrongs. I know about 10 years ago we went to the Leadership of our church with a written paper of the things that were bottled up in us that we felt were weakness and things to be addressed in our body and in the leaderships lives. Husband had gotten to a point where he was ready to break so he decided to go to them with the things he had not dealt with and talk it out with the head leaders. (understand we were also in a leadership position and had been told that we could bring up these kinds of things)

Basically things got aired out but then stuffed back into the closet. We were told that we were harboring unforgiveness, keeping a list of wrongs and that we needed to have our hearts right with the leadership. There were some, "I'm sorry you have been hurt," kind of things said to us but basically that was about it. To continue to push it any further would have made us look bitter, unforgiving, mean and petty. One pastor (brought in for mediation) gave us a book on being highly sensitive to try to understand why we would have such a problem with what was going on. (unbeknown to us at the time, the rest of the team was also having the same questions and later left because of them) So we stepped down from being an elder. Looking back now, it was all the same reasons that we eventually left for. We just had a fuller closet to deal with at the end.

In these kinds of groups you eventually learn that anything brought to the leadership only ends up in you being blamed for being too sensitive or not being loyal, for being petty or for being divisive. So you decide to try and live with it. In reality you are essentially asked to keep this closet. Not in so many words but everything is to be laid down and not brought up. You are supposed to "get over it," "get on to more important things," "quit thinking of yourself more highly than you ought," and "just chill out." So you just kept pushing stuff into the closet so as to keep peace.

You are asked to trust the leadership. They have the bigger picture. They know more than you do about each situation. There is always a reason for their actions. This is their church. They are the ones God has placed as the head. They are the Apostle and Prophet (pick your title). They have other men they are accountable to.

You can see why you would have such a 'closet' for the unfinished things you are seeing.

But my question is this: Is this truly keeping a record of wrongs? Is this closet full of not forgiving? Is it sin on your part?

Let me say first of all that it certainly can be. If you refuse to go to a person and let them know there is a problem, all the while adding things to the list.....that is keeping a record of wrongs. Or if you approach someone and tell them there is a problem and they tell you that they are sorry and deal with what is wrong - either change their behavior or try to explain how your offense is unwarranted and then you still don't forgive....that is not forgiving. But if you have learned that it is just not worth bringing up or if brought up will result in pain for you, you will eventually either have to leave or start a building project of your own to add onto the closet that you already have full.

Closets and Leaving

I have often wondered how it came to be that we could belong to something for 20 years and then one day in May determine that we were no longer going to be connected anymore. I know it has puzzled many of our friends and frankly has puzzled me even a bit.

I know to them it may seem that we left over the use of titles and the hierarchy that had been introduced into our group. True, titles were the thing that brought us to the point of leaving but we were left trying to explain to people why it was such a big deal. Why would this one thing cause us to leave our friends of 20 years? Why would we choose to walk away now? What is actually happening in a situation like ours to make someone decide to break at this particular point? It seemed so petty and unimportant. What's the deal with that.

I read another story the other day about a man who was involved in a similar church as ours. His account goes back from the late 1970's to the 80's. It is long, but to me it was riveting in the similarities that I see on our journeys. It was in his words that I found my explanation. (I have combed through the many pages that he wrote and cannot find the exact place where he says it but he said something that stopped me in my tracks and made everything in my head finally make sense to me.)

He said that upon his conversion and subsequent immersion into this group that he had his first serious question about what the group believed within just a few days. Instead of standing up and saying - "I don't understand this and probably don't agree with it," he just formed a closet - put the question/problem away into the closet and shut the door so as not to have to deal with it. Over the years in the group, whenever anyone was hurt by a leader, when any leader acted un-Christ-like or when something particularly goofy went on he just put it into the closet with the first situation. See, he had quickly learned that if you disagree with the leaders, if you questioned their actions or character, if you disagreed with their theology, you would be labeled as subservisive or unsubmitted or rebellious or unteachable. Your standing would go down and your loyalty would be questioned. You may get removed from a team or seperated out from your friends. Everyone "said" questions were welcomed but if you did not instantly revere the answer given, if you continued with your challenge, you would find out what was really true about questioning.

So the closet gets more and more full. You would shut these things away and by this very act you could go on as a true and loyal member. You looked, from the outside, like you were totally on board. You could pledge your allegiance along with the best of them. You could stand right along side the leaders and observe the worst of actions. You even participated at times. You were silent when you should speak up. You looked away when you should have brought something to the whole congregations' attention.

But then something happens. You finally reach the ONE question that HAS to be answered. You see an action that HAS to be challenged. You suffer an indignity that HAS to be addressed. Yes, you have only ONE issue on the table at this point. Here is what happens that made so much sense to me. Once you decide not to shove this issue into the closet, the door to this closet in you mind suddenly disappears. Out tumbles all the things that you chose not to look at or think about. Now you have to face everything. Now it is no longer about this one issue but suddenly the weight of all the issues, questions and hurts come tumbling together.

You may never bring up all the other issues. You may leave only addressing the latest one but the weight of them all is your final impetus to leave.

So why is this such an important revelation to me? I think the main reason is that it gives me a way to explain to someone how/why we left. Yes, it looks like we left over titles but if you would like I can unpack the rest of the closet and give you all the reasons. It also helps to offset the voices that say, "I can't believe you left over such an insignificant reason," or the voices that accuse me of being petty, little or bitter. In all it just helps me to process my life there.

It also is a warning to me not to build closets in other parts of my life dealing with my husband, children or friends. Closets are for clothes - not life.

Church Exiters Site is Up!

WOW!

Dr. Barb Orlowski has her website up with all the research that she did on people who leave their churches under duress. Many of you took part in her survey.

It is an excellent resource of different books and articles that were published when she compiled her study. It is long but fascinating to browse through. I found some books that I would love to have on my shelf as well as more Internet sites to explore.

Check it out here at Church Exiters Ministering Restoration: Recovering Spiritual Harmony

Covenant Breaking, Covering Doctrines and Hearing the Voices Again

Grace, at Kingdom Grace today, posted a bit about Covering and what people say when you have a string of bad things that happen to you. It was great fun in the comments as we poked fun at the doctrine and I chimed in with my few cents.

But this is a serious matter people. I still am reeling from this doctrine. I think it has been the hardest one to extract myself from.

See the other day I decided to do a piece on the practice we had in my old ‘church’ of making covenants. In leaving our group we were to have “broken covenant’ with all the people there. So I was going to write about what covenants are and aren’t and how this doctrine was used to keep people from questioning and leaving our group. I wanted to remember all that was preached so I went onto our old church website (now under a new name) and found the latest sermon on Covenants.

Sure enough there had been one preached in June of this year. As I listened I grew more and more disheartened. Covenant breakers were the evil that the Church needed to purge. They were the reason the harvest of souls were blocked. Those who broke covenant had marriages that had failed, children doing drugs and rebellion, insanity promised and the onslaught of homosexuality and other sins that attached themselves to you.

I knew what was being preached was garbage but then my weekend unfurled. I battled with a daughter over a decision that was going to hurt her – a decision that would have been harder to make had she surrounded herself with Christian friends. Then on Monday, TWO TRUCKS in my business broke down. One had the axle (or something connected to the wheels) actually fall out of the truck. Then an irate customer who was threatening to sue my company for something she perceived we had done. By the end of the day I was exhausted.

But more than that….I was hearing the voices again. “All this has happened because you are a covenant breaker.” “If you were in the ‘church’ you would be protected.” “God knows what you have been writing and thinking and talking with people about. You have talked ill of the brothers and therefore all these things are being allowed to happen.”

I was so mad at myself. I was ashamed to admit that I still heard these things in my head. I was flabbergasted that this man’s voice could silence the truth that I knew to be true.

So….no big ending here. I am more sane today. Best Friend spoke truth to me, Husband reminded me of times that were even worse – while still in the system, an adopted daughter laughed with me at myself, Grace’s post made me laugh too and another friend made me question what is still in my heart that I don’t really believe about God that shows itself when things like this happen.

I guess I just write to let you know that the journey takes a couple of steps backwards every now and then. I think that I’m not the only one who struggles so don’t despair when you find yourself having to deal with it again.

The Cell Phone Purge

My daughter decided to call a very dear friend still in our CLB today. (it actually went very well - thanks)

The only problem was that we no longer had her phone number.

See, we had gone through what I am sure is a oft repeated procedure after leaving a painful church situation. The procedure????

The Cell Phone Purge

The “Purge” is simply the act that you take when you finally go through and delete almost all the names from your caller list. You do this for several reasons.

You Purge it because it is so depressing:

The biggest reason to purge is that you decide that you are tired of having your phone full of people who would rather not talk to you. Each time you scroll through the names to get to the two people that you still call, you end up so depressed that you don’t’ even call that one friend that you picked up the phone for. Cell phones are not happy cell phones when filled to overflowing with tears. Or toilet water.

You Purge it because the phone becomes abusive:

It is the cell phone that screams out to you, “YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS LEFT!” “JUST LOOK AT THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT YOU TO CALL THEM!“ Cell phones can be very abusive when they are filled with X-friends. I don’t blame the phone itself as it is probably wondering why it exists except for your circle of 5 that now contain only your Best Friend, your husband and your kids. Thank God for the Best Friend!

You Purge it because it is no longer a Ministry Expense:

Now it is the cell phone that you can’t any longer deduct from your taxes as a ministry expense. Now it is just an expense. (No......we never did this - some pastors would though I expect.)

You Purge it because you don’t want to push the wrong button:

Say, you have the pastor and his wife with the last name that is spelled so that it falls next to one of your daughters and you don’t’ want to dial it by mistake. (How awkward would that conversation be? “Um, Hi _________, So….I heard…you..um….bumped into….um…my daughter….the…other day. How was that for you? Soooooo….Ok, bye then.”)

You purge it so that you can make room for all the new friends that you will soon have:

Riiiiigggghhhhhhttttttt. Keep dreaming.

So you go through the purge. Followed closely by a really good cry. Just put the phone down first.

But take heart, one day you may get to add a name back in. Keep a record. You just might need those phone numbers.

It was really fun. The Cell Phone seemed happy too.

Nine Months

It has been nine months since we left our CLB.

Funny, but nine months has always been a marker for me of a new life. It was nine months gestating a new human life. I’ve been through it enough times to remember. Nine months of waiting, anticipating, and longing to meet this new person yet it was also nine months of not liking what was going on and the ramifications that it brought to me personally.

I don’t do pregnancy well. Never did. Always dreaded it. The only bright spot was the movement of the new one within me. It broke through the headaches, backaches, constant peeing, nausea, and exhaustion with the wonder of actually growing a new life in my body.

But then there was an end to it. Usually after the final last months of contractions that promised the world but delivered nothing there was that night when we knew that we were going to start a new chapter with this new life. That part was glorious and I remember each dawn with a new baby with such great delight that I endured it seven times.

But these nine months are different. It feels like pregnancy in some ways. For one, it has been long. The headaches and heartaches are reminiscent of those other days. I do feel like there is new life in there somewhere. I feel it kicking as I venture out or contemplate venturing out in the unknown. But it never seems to come. Not really come.

Sometimes it just feels like those nauseous days when I wondered why in the heck I ever got pregnant again in the first place.

Why did we do this again? Can someone remind me? We are not crazy…right?

But then I would remember why I got pregnant and now I remember why we left and it all makes sense for the moment.

I want my friends back. Not the ones who called themselves my friends and then just used my friendship – who ultimately just wanted me to follow them. I want the ones who were genuine friends. The ones I loved in my home. The ones I watched grow up into marriage and being mothers. The ones that we raised our kids together with. The ones that nine months ago had to make a choice between leadership and me.

I just feel that I am in the middle of a pregnancy that is filled with longing and that I do not see an end to. I’m not sure I can do this. I want the new life to start. Something at least.

A Prayer Story

We have been reading and talking about prayer these past few days. I have a story that makes me smile every time I think about it. Mind you, I’m not sure if the theology behind this is really true. I could probably pull some Bible verses around it and make it sound just as good as any preacher that I have heard lately but I will spare you the Bible gymnastics. It is just a story. My story.

During one of days that I knew we were going to have a meeting in our CLB (church left behind) I was in deep anguish. I wanted to do everything so perfectly. I wanted there to be no room for deception in our own lives. I wanted no one to be able to point any fingers that we were not completely like Jesus in our handling of telling our pastors that we really, really disagreed with them. (Now, I realize that, 1) I can’t be perfect enough and 2) people will believe whatever they want to believe)

Anyway, one morning about 4 months ago, I could not sleep. I got up crying. As I came downstairs I saw the couch and I dropped to my knees sobbing. I cried for a few minutes and then started praying/sobbing, “Please Jesus, please come and be here with me. Please come and be here. I need you. Please don’t leave me alone to do this, please come and be with me.”

This went on for many minutes. At one point I actually took a breath. I was not in the listening mode but all of a sudden, in my thoughts, I felt like I heard Jesus say in a bit of a rebuking kind of voice, “I am here!” Now I don’t know what God sounds like when he speaks to you but this the tone of his voice was as if he was trying to get through to me so I would stop begging Him to show up. He also sounded like he had said it a few times already and I had just not heard him yet.

Of course I immediately thought of all the verses that I know that he would not leave me and of his omnipresence that I had been taught all my life and sheepishly said, “Thanks Jesus, thanks for being here.”

I then took another deep breath and began to frantically tell him all about what I was worried about, what had happened, all my fears and panic for what the day would bring. Again, at one point when I paused to catch my breath I thought I heard him speak peacefully again. He said, “I know all of that, I was just sitting here with my Father talking to him about all of this. He knows all about it and he loves you.”

Again verses flooded through my mind about Jesus sitting on the right hand of the Father and interceding for us. (I’m a good Bible student when I am pushed to be)

But the thought and picture of this brought such sweet peace to me that morning. I realized that he really was talking to the Father about this. That they really cared and that they had not left us alone in all of it.

But then a crazy thought crossed my mind and came flying out of my mouth. “Jesus, if you are there, talking to the Father about all of this…. I mean, if He is right there being all God and stuff…. and knowing everything like he does….and you guys are talking about it right?..... could you please tell me how it is going to turn out. What is going to happen?”

Again, in my mind I heard him say back to me. “No, He hasn’t told me what is going to happen yet but that is ok.”

I decided at that moment that I probably better not push this one. If he wanted me to know ahead of time, he would tell me. (and if he had told me I would have probably really screwed up and asked for the lottery numbers too for the day)

But it does make me smile…and cherish that morning on my knees…and think about all the theological implications….and again brings peace to me knowing that they talk about these kinds of things…right?

And maybe just listening and breathing right now is really ok.

Blogging Anonymously

Why do I blog anonymously?

This question was asked the other day on my Person Formerly Known as Your Leader. She said, “If this is a confession, why is it anonymous?”

I answered her in a vague but unsatisfying paragraph or two but the question has really been bugging me. I have left. They cannot do anything more than dislike me or my opinions that I hold more than they do now. So why do I still not want to go on record as saying that all this is wrong?

Let me just talk for a while, maybe I’ll figure something out in the writing.

Our leaving is still very fresh. It was only in the middle of March that I started to really look at some things in Scripture. Up to that point I was not questioning anything except some behavior that I thought was just fleshly. Even then, I was still under the impression that God had to deal with that in my leaders.

During the month of March and into April I became convinced that we were in a very toxic church. BUT I still didn’t believe that we (my husband and myself) could really be right about it. It was like there were two halves of my brain. One that understood that we were in a bad situation, the other half still didn’t want to believe or leave and was afraid that I was missing something. I tried over and over to convince my husband that somehow we were the ones who were “maybe” deceived. If I did not keep the list up (the facts of what all was really, really wrong) in front of me, I would fall back into thinking that we might somehow be in the wrong. . I would swing between total conviction and anger at them at how awful it all was, to defending them, all in an afternoon. Some days I wanted to take out a full page add in the local paper and some days I was trying my hardest to find any flaw in my husband’s attitude or thinking. This drove my husband crazy. At one point, late one night he said to me. “Honey, you remind me of a woman who has an abusive husband. He beats her every week. She knows he should not hurt her, but when she is confronted with his abuse by anyone else, she makes excuses that somehow she is the one in the wrong.” He said, “Someday you will have to admit that we are not the ones who are wrong here.”

I remember crying that night because I knew he was right. I had protected these people for so long, had made excuses for their behavior and had actually aided them for so long that I could not get my mind around the fact that I was not somehow in the wrong and had no right to say that they were wrong. But why did I still feel like it was wrong to stand up and say stop? Why does that feeling still linger. Why do I blog anonymously?

It was not until we actually looked at them in the eye and told them that we were leaving, told them that we were not afraid of loosing our destinies, told them that we were not afraid of all the bad things happening to us, told them that we were not afraid that our kids would run off to heathenville and ruin their lives, that I could stand up and say to them, “No you are wrong.” That was a very freeing moment.

But even that is still new to me. If I am honest with myself, I think I am still afraid. It was never ok to question the leaders in public. It was never ok to appear disloyal. It was never ok to “touch God’s anointed.” I’m still wrestling through these if not mentally than emotionally.

I know if those from my CLB (church left behind) ever found this webblog they would say it shows my deception because I do not use my own name. Yet if I did, they would say it shows my deception to publicly expose them. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t with them. But that is nothing new.

There is something in me though that says that it would not be wise to publish with my name or my church’s name. Most all blogs that I have read are not “outing” their church or using their own names. They must have reasons too.

Anyway, I would really like to know what you all think. How much is it up to God to expose these churches and how much responsibility do we have? Those of you who blog about this kind of thing, are you using your own names? Those who are reading this, - I would love your take on it too. Am I being wise or living under fear? I don’t promise I will do anything yet about it. Just want to think more and have more imput.

The Tyrany of Being "Nice"

Yesterday I was on Emerging Grace’s blog (http://emerginggrace.blogspot.com/) (sorry, I don’t know how to do the link thing- can anyone help?) and found a wonderful article about being “nice” in the midst of church leaders being……um….well….. not nice.

This has sparked a conversation in my head and between my husband and myself on how to talk to people who are coming to us and asking questions. Most of the time, after they leave, he will tell me that I was too “nice.” He wants them to know the truth and has no qualms about laying it out in its totality. I do not want to be mean and it sounds so mean to tell people what these people really did and said. Good people, godly people do not do what we are saying they did.

Here is what Heidi Renee wrote as a comment to Emerging Grace’s post:
Heidi Renee said...
I always wonder where this concept of "nice" came from? Can you imagine Jesus saying "Be ye nice to one another?" No, me either. He did say "be kind" though.

I think there is a mammoth difference between Nice & Kind - nice is patronizing, never courageous and doesn't want to rock the boat - even when it's called for and you are dealing with a-holes...

Kind knows that telling your daughter that outfit looks "nice" even when it is horrible isn't truly kind, and some courage is needed to be kind enough to say so.

Nice can't handle conflict, kindness can. The kingdom is dying because of nice-ness - we have filled out pews with people who put up with abuse from a-holes in power and the kind people are being trounced on, because they've confused kind with nice.

I believe forgiveness happens when we are able to tell the truth - it sets us free. Deciding that you are done with giving that person the power to hurt you again and laying down the power to seek revenge is where I am able to begin to find healing and begin the forgiveness process. I forgive for me, not for them.

Great post Grace - got me thinking this morning! :)


This has been so freeing in my head this morning. I am called to be Kind – Not Nice. I can be kind and tell the whole ugly truth. Kindness even demands the truth. That is also why I hated conflict. I can’t be in conflict and be “nice.” I can, though, and be kind.


I have lived under the tyranny of nice. Freedom comes in living under the grace of kindness.

I love this. This will change my life!

Restitution

An Anonymous comment on the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader blog says this:

Having been the perpetrator as well as the recipient of what you have so perfectly described, I now am stuck at where to go from here. I know repentance is the first step.

How can one even begin to make restitution or amends?

I can only tell you what I have done so far. The first thing I did was become absolutely sure that what I believed I could back up in Scripture. I read the New Testament through 3 times and found every verse that dealt with leadership. I researched the Greek to see what the words meant. I became convinced that there was no hierarchy or “lording it over” those in the body. I studied other areas of tithing, covering, apostolic government, church structure (or lack thereof) and gifts.

I then repented. I spent lots and lots of time with the Father, trying to figure out just what kept me blinded by the system. I confessed to my children whom I had taught and lead into things that I had never even researched. I wrote out my confession – which you have read. I have also gone to those I felt I had hurt the worst that would speak to me and asked their forgiveness. I am also praying to be put in contact with others whom I would love to speak.

I have then been studying as much as possible to figure out just what I do believe and how I should act. Wayne Jacobsen at Life Stream has been invaluable. His message of grace has been so refreshing.

As far as making restitution - Ahhh, that is the hard part. I wish I had stolen money so I could pay it back in double. That would be easier. There is no restitution that I can think of for treating someone so badly. I can only ask forgiveness. The restitution I can give is to never act in an un-graceful way to anyone else. I won’t be perfect at that one either but at least I’ll be more aware.

I wondered if I should wade into our church body, person by person and try to “rescue” them. Trust me, if they will come and talk to me, I will try to rescue them. But if they don’t then I don’t think it is the time for them. Many people tried with me before I “got it” and all it did was make me mad. For some reason, I did not want to be “rescued.” (How I wish I had listened.)

I think in a very big way, this blog is a “restitution” of sorts. If I can help anyone else walk through what I have been through, that would be so good. If I can cause anyone else to heal a bit easier, then it will have been worth it.

Thanks to all of you who have taken time to comment. I am honored to have you read and wrestle through this with me.

Forgiveness Recieved

We have met with a few other families that we had shunned when they left to ask their forgiveness. We asked forgiveness for our part in their leaving and our part in not keeping an open friendship with them. They were so gracious to us, to me. Not one of them was prideful. Not one of them thought that their “rightness” was a thing to be proud of. They all loved the people and leaders in the CLB. Had they always walked in this grace and never said anything bitter or spiteful about the church? Probably not. But they were full of grace when we met with them. We fell into a family of believers who really loved us and wanted whatever God wanted for us. No one pressured us to join their thing. Each of them gave us wide berth to find what God had for us. It was truly amazing.

By the way, all of them saw the same problems with the CLB that we had come to see. We had no idea though. We were given various reasons by the leadership of why these people had left. As we met with these families though, the reasons they said they gave for leaving were not the ones we had heard. They were the very same reasons we had left.

The Person Formerly Known As Your Leader

Bob suggests that, at some point in time, "the system" was working for us; while we may be questioning it now, there was a time when we were getting some kind of perks or rewards from it. Bob suggests that until we, as individuals and groups, honestly deal with the areas of our lives that made us enjoy the system at one point - and repent or receive healing in those areas - we will only replicate the same dysfunctional patterns and attitudes in whatever structured or destructured group we ended up joining or creating. Robert C. Girard

This is a response to what I have read in The People Formerly Known as Series. It is a repentance. I know than many of the other writers have used the Polemic “we” but I can’t do that yet. This is personal, a confession from my heart to all of you.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader.

I was the supporting cast in our church. I was not one of the “Main” leaders. I was never paid to lead. I had “leadership roles.” I (along with my husband) was viewed as one of the supporting pillars in our community of believers. I tried not to be one of the front leaders. I simply took the vision of the church, supported it, taught it, explained it, fought for it and promised loyalty to it. For almost 20 years my husband and I have been in this role and just recently we have come to see many things we never would have thought possible.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader

All this time I worked as your leader. I was at one time or another, your small group leader, your counselor, and your ministry head (nursery, new member development, etc). I helped at various times on the worship team, the prayer team, the nursery, the elder board, the college ministry team, the hospitality team, and I’m sure a host of other teams and positions.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader

Because of all this, I need to repent and ask your forgiveness. I was wrong. I thought wrong things. I believed wrong things. I modeled wrong things. I taught wrong things. I was wrong. I have sinned against you and the others and against my grace loving, mercy giving, all powerful, all loving God.

- I repent for teaching and modeling that the “covering” of our church, my leadership, and our network would keep you from going into rebellion or deception.

- I took your private confidences and passed them on to the other leaders regardless of my telling you that I wouldn’t. I told myself that this was an accepted practice to gain wisdom in dealing with your situation. Now I see it was probably mostly to garner, in some twisted way, the favor of my leaders, to show my loyalty and to gain a better placement of myself in their leadership system.

- I taught, modeled and practiced tithing. I taught you that if you didn’t tithe, bad things would happen to you and/or your finances. Now I understand the fallacy of this. It is a fear tactic – and it is not of God.

- I did not stand up and speak up when I heard and saw something wrong being taught, lived, or modeled. In this way, you, as people who respected me had neither voice nor protection. There were many times I should have spoken up gently/humbly to correct other leaders around me. I wrongly felt that it was up to God to correct and deal with them. That it was not my “place” to correct “God’s Anointed.”

- I wanted to be seen by leaders as loyal and mostly I wanted to be in what I perceived as one of the “inner circles of friendship.” I bought their friendship with flattering words, serving them unconditionally, not making waves, not challenging them and being disloyal to what I sometimes knew was wrong. I was a religious whore.

- I taught you that with leaders, you did not have the right to expect friendship or any sort of loyalty back. I told you that you should become what I had become, completely a servant. They owed you and me nothing. I have learned to watch out for “friendships” where I am the servant only. I have learned my “servanthood” was nothing more than trying to manipulate myself into prominence.

- I taught that the church was an Army and that we therefore needed Generals and Sergeants to lead us. (I of course saw myself as the sergeant – not the head but certainly one of the right arms of the head.) Again, I did not read my Bible.

- I taught you to despise other churches in our city. I taught you that they were not as enlightened as us, did not have as much of the Holy Spirit as us, could not worship as we did, did not recognize the leadership in our church and come under their apostolic leadership, and so many other things. I hinted at their pastors “weaknesses.” I judged their programs, people, leaders and lives as unfit for the true expression of the Kingdom of God and taught you to do the same. It is true that I did see many legitimate problems, and I still do but I had pulled back and decided I was done with the all but the select body of Christ in our area and encouraged you to also “not waste your time.”

- I practiced and taught you “shunning.” This is the practice of not associating with those who have left our body. I taught you to look the other way in the grocery store. To ignore their emails and be succinct and distant when they called you. I taught you that you could be contaminated by a perceived friendship with them, and instilled in you the fear that was in me, that I would be seen as disloyal.

- I taught you that when people left our body, they left their destiny. I thought that the only way they were to fulfill what God had for them was through our particular church.

- I encouraged you in total obedience to our leaders and total submission of ministry to their vision. I often referred to the church as being in the leaders’ “boat.” We were to totally get in this “boat” and leave it up to God and the leaders where and how to navigate this life. We were not to question this boat leader’s vision or direction as they were “hearing from God”. If you wanted to minister it had to be under their direct “umbrella.”

My pride, arrogance, manipulation and disregard for the scripture are detestable to me. In that I was your leader, role model, and teacher makes it doubly serious. I know of nothing else than to remove myself.

I am not beating myself up as to the point where I imagine that I did nothing right. There were many of you that I loved unconditionally. We showed hospitality, we modeled a good marriage, an open and honest life and when I needed to, I have asked your forgiveness. But the scope and magnitude which I see my own heart today is detestable to me.

So today, I ask your forgiveness. I know many of you were not directly under my leadership. So why do I ask your forgiveness? This is why. - Maybe in reading my “confession” you will come to realize that those in leadership above you who have inflicted so many hurts will someday come to realize what they have done. Maybe your prayers for them will result in them walking out of their own deception. Maybe the grace that you show to them will be a signpost for them to follow. Maybe in not hating them you will be able to love and pray for their blinders to fall off.From my heart to you, I am so sorry, please forgive me. And please forgive those who also have been your leaders.

A Person Formerly Known As Your Leader

The Leaving

I was going to write a blog that would explain our leaving our CLB. I thought that I would go through in sequence and explain all that happened to us. Frankly, the thought of that leaves me ill. I really don’t want to rehash the past few months. So let me give you a little in a vague way. If you want to know more please leave a post with your email address and I will give much more detail. I know it helped me to read other’s blogs about the details of their leaving. It made me realize that what happened to me was what had happened to them. It made me realize that I could survive too. It gave me encouragement that I was not crazy.

We served in our church for almost 20 years. There were problems along the way. Once we almost left but we felt that God had directly called us here and he had not released us. We stepped out of eldership at that time. That was about 8 years ago. We stayed. This was not as hard for me as it was for my husband. He could see major problems and, other than trusting God to fix them, he felt helpless. Still we stayed and supported.

The Apostolic movement came into contact with our church leadership. Soon we had speakers coming in from this group. Most all of them were wonderful men with a wonderful message. But within the messages was this apostolic order. This ordered people in rank. One over another. Soon there were titles. These were never demanded – just expected. My husband could see that this was not the Fathers heart for his church.

I actually thought he was making a big deal about nothing. I went to scripture to prove him wrong. I couldn’t. I read the New Testament through 3 times that week. I researched in the Greek, every verse that dealt with leadership or headship. I was amazed at the lack of “being over” and the contunity of being under or alongside.

I then started reading everything I could get my hands on about this particular Apostolic movement. Most of the books were good. Some were absoulutely scary. The dismissal of scripture was alarming. One even hinted at the ability of these new apostles being able to come up with new doctrine as did the early apostles.

I then researched online to find anything. I started with The Battered Sheep website. I felt so guilty for even clicking onto such a site. It felt like religious porn. But the more I read, the more I could see parts – not all – of our church. Especially the one article about what they would say about you if you were to leave. It was like they had visited our church. So I read more.

When we met with our leaders for a final attempt to get them to see the error or this hierarchy I was totally alongside my husband. We were totally on the same page. God was gracious to us in that way. I have read of many husbands and wives who were split apart on these decisions.

The meeting did not go well. We were informed that we were not on the same leadership level as them. They would not discuss anything with us. They were totally closed to what we had to say. We left in peace but did not know what to do. We could not stay and help them anymore. We did not have a word from God that we could leave. We were stuck.

We spent the next month fasting, praying and getting counsel. God actually showed up in a worship time and told my husband that it was time to go. He felt God say, “Ok, you can go now.” We waited for counsel to confirm and received it.

“Going” did not go as planned. We wished to tell each of our friends face to face. We were going to meet with our pastors and then tell everyone else in that order. That, through the work of the enemy and the hasty decisions of our pastors, did not happen. Word got out that we were leaving, emails went out, calls went out not to speak to us, and a meeting was planned for the whole church a few hours after we were to meet with the pastoral staff.

We were told that we were in deep deception. That “bad things” would probably happen to us if we left. That we could not leave with their blessing and many other things. We stood our ground, tried to be gracious, tried not to deal with character issues.

That night the church gathered without us and it was decreed that we were in deception. That the church could come and talk to us but only if they dealt with our deception. Our friends were devastated. Because we had tried so hard not to spread division, because we had never spoken to anyone about our problems, because we were not given the opportunity to tell them individually, they were completely confused and angry. It was disseminated that we had lived a lie in front of them – that somehow we had been unfaithful to them.

Only a very few have come to talk to us. No one was told that they couldn’t come, it is just the culture of the church that when someone leaves they have “broken covenant” with you and therefore you should not put your self in danger by having a relationship with them.

Therefore, we have left. If you need more detail, please leave a comment. The rest of the blogs will deal with the day to day of walking out of our CLB.

Reason for the Blog

In leaving our church and ultimately the institutional church as a whole, I read many of those who had gone on before me. They gave me such courage and comfort during this process.

I wanted also to be a voice for those who were leaving or being forced to leave. I wanted them to be able to compare thier stories with mine both for their own sanity and thier comfort.

Therefore this blog will attempt to place sign posts of my (our) day to day journey into what I hope will be the very heart of God. I have no idea where this journey will end or even take me. I only know that I have been called to go down this road.

I have a husband who is with me as well as some grown children, small children and a few faithful friends.

I welcome any and all who wish to read and interact with me through this wonderful, grace filled journey.