Responding VS Initiating

I think one of the biggest changes I see in myself these days is the anticipation returning that God will do something in and around me. Let me explain though because it differs from what I was like before in my Charismatic life.

Three years ago we were always planning for God. We would plan worship services so He could be with us. We would plan for the non-Christians so that we would be ready for them. We would get prayed for so that we would be ready to hear the Holy Spirit. We would give so that we were ready to get what was coming to us. We were always trying to help God out or be in such a position that we would not miss Him when He showed up.

It fostered an atmosphere of expectancy - to be sure. But so very often that expectancy was dashed as again, God did nothing spectacular that day. This left me, at least, feeling like I was not doing enough, preparing enough or somehow was deficient in some way. It also left me constantly looking around and being judgmental. Who was not doing their part, who had sin in their life, what was the hold up - "is it something you are doing?"

After two years of just refusing to prepare for anything I find something very interesting happening.

1. I have an awareness of God's presence that is unlike anything I experienced in those meetings where He was touted to be there "IN POWER." I"m not afraid this presence will leave me. It is pervasive. It is just here. I can't explain it other than that. He is with me. It is not exciting as much as comforting. It is not powerful as much as it is kind. It is not life changing as much as it is life transforming.

2. I find myself responding to Him instead of preparing for Him. When He speaks to me, I am amazed and grateful but I don't expect the same thing to happen in the same way the very next day or week. I don't try to get Him to do it again. I love it but He is under no obligation to perform at my will.

3. When I recognize His hand or his voice in something I am delighted. I used to be so anxious and actually a bit ticked at Him all of the time. After all, I was working so very hard and he rarely gave me any indication that He was helping out. But now it is a calm delight that settles into my soul when I actively see Him speaking or doing.

4. I realize that I could not reproduce what he just did or said even if I tried very hard. Here's an instance of that. The other day I was mulling over Grace and how it has changed my life. Sometimes I find myself feeling like I'm on a slippery slope into oblivion with nothing to hang onto. (I'll explain this more in another post) But out of nowhere I realized that if I were truly slipping down this slope and in danger of losing anything I would have the handhold of His goodness to catch myself on. It then came to me that when Moses wanted to actually see God, God placed him in a cleft of a rock and caused his Goodness to pass before Moses. I was amazed that when God let someone see him, the part of his Glory that he chose to show was his Goodness.

It was like tumblers falling into place as the Father spoke to me of his Goodness that morning. I was suddenly surrounded by a tangible feeling of His Goodness. It took all the anxiety away from wondering if I was on a tangent. I realized that God, in his Goodness would rescue me and always provide a safe place to hang onto.

But here's my point. How in the world would I reproduce that kind of experience with God? How would I form a gathering where he could speak to everyone at the same time of this fact? How in the world would I get God to tell my kids the same thing as he told me?

Answer is (I think).....I can't. All I can do is respond. All I can do is be willing to let him speak or act. Maybe out of the overflow of my heart I could share this with my kids or a friend or two. Maybe they too will be blessed by what happened to me. But what I want for them is the same comfort to know that when the Father wants to speak to them - He will. Out of His Goodness not out of our preparing for Him.

And so I find myself here....at this spot....simply responding to what He is doing. If He does nothing or says nothing I will wait. I truly hope this is OK. It goes against everything Church Lady believed.

I'm Glad It Happened

Something is happening with me, or better put, something is happening within me. Both I guess.

I've not blogged for a bit here. I had to reintroduce myself to my blog sign-in page. Fortunately it still remembered me.

I've actually been busy with real life again. Real people that I can hug and touch.

Friends of old returned to stay with us for two wonderful weeks. I visited my Sister in the desert of Mexico and talked and laughed and ate wonderful Mexican food for a week. A former friend is beginning a wonderful new relationship with me. My youngest daughter has moved back into the house to go to school for a year. With her return has come a flood of her entourage (friends). Colorful sort that have cool blue hair (my favorite!), diverse religious affiliations, some with assorted sexual preferences and questionable drug choices but the sort that find myself absolutely loving to feed, hug and provide a place to play and crash. It is a great story of grace to have this child choose to live here again. Fingers crossed as we navigate the relationship in such close proximity.

So what is it that I'm glad has happened?

All of it. The painful last two years. The abandonment of many friends. The loss of all that I was before. The death (at least from what I can see) of Church Lady. The re-evaluating of everything I hold dear. The emptying of my theology. The tears. The repentance. The joy of finding simplicity. The ability to meet you all. So much more.

We were talking about some of those that we love still in the group that we left. So often we want to make contact and tell them that we love them. So often it is on the tips of our fingers to write to them and explain how they are missing out on the very heart of God. Then last night Husband said something that rocked my world. He said something to the effect that God has a plan for each of us to find HIM - to find His heart for us and that if we had not gone through EXACTLY what we went through we would not be in this place now. That it was only through this perfectly formed, sometimes very painful journey that we have come to the place where there is Peace and Grace and most of all Love. He said that if the Father was gracious enough to bring us to this point, he would also have the same plan to bring each of those we love to the same point.

He is so right. Without everything that happened to me through this past few years, I would have been happy to be Church Lady for the rest of my life. I would not have been in a place where I found that I could survive without depending on the 'church' to give me my identity. I would have never explored the depths of the love of my Father. I would have never understood Grace as I do today. I could have never loved like I'm now able to - albeit still faltering. I would have never allowed myself to love my daughters the way I can now. My friends would still be used to pamper my own importance.

So onto Spring. New beginnings. Dear friends are moving back into town. (I can't get over the feeling that this is monumental for us in some way.) A few, and very dear friendships, continue and are beginning. Daughter will fill my house with fire breathing, fire spinning, (See pictures!) kids.

So I am mostly content at this point. The fear of going without is fading. We have found somehow that this is enough - if that makes sense. We are waiting on God to see if there will ever be a "formal" group to belong to. I can see life with it and also without it, so either way is fine with me.

and at the end of it.....I'm Glad It Happened.

Lazy Days of Summer - Processing the Journey

Jeff asked yesterday where everyone was. Our little part of the blogsphere is a bit quiet these lazy summer days.


I know for me that the summer months full of kids home from school, the life guarding duties at our pool, sandwiches to make and times just to sit out in the yard and talk has dulled the desire to sit inside with my laptop and think. Add to that, my business has really picked up, company in and out from various places, a weekend in Maryland at the beach for Marshall’s business and an hour walk at night to get some exercise and I feel kinda busy.


But mostly…..I think I am about done processing my journey out of my old church. I’ve tried to stop thinking about all of it before. I realized that I could not just focus on the past. I knew I should walk away and into the next things. I even tried at times. But you know what? Nothing worked till it just did not matter anymore to me. And suddenly, that is where I find myself.


Maybe it is because I have a short memory. Maybe it will all come flooding back at another time. Maybe I will get all passionate about the things I went through and what others did to me. Maybe...but I don’t think so.


I started blogging about all of this a year ago. As the year turned I returned to my old posts and read them. I can remember the pain I felt then. I remember Church Lady and feeling like she was disappearing. I remember when the word prayer would make me want to puke. I remember being so hurt at not being invited to the pastor’s daughter’s wedding. Friends for 20 years. (I downed a whole bottle of wine that night. Vowed never to do that again.)


I’m still glad for those posts. I receive the most hits on my post, The Person Formerly Known as Your Leader (my repentance at what I had done as a leader.) I still loved that I wrote that and it is still healing to me today. Mostly I love the posts because they remind me of the Grace and Love that the Father has poured out on me during that time.


But the pain is fading. I simply don’t have it anymore. The voices of doubt are just not there anymore, the depression is not my constant friend, and it has been months since I have had a dream about them. And therefore I can turn away from it and think about other things.


I guess what I am saying is this. If you are in the middle of the hurt, betrayal and pain - don’t be too hard on yourself. Yes, you know you should not be focused on these things. Yes, you know you should forgive. Yes, you know you should walk away. But you know what? That can’t happen until you just don’t care anymore. And when that happens, you will be able to do all those things. So give yourself some space to heal. Trust me, the healing will come with time.


So my posts may be fewer. I’m still going to write about what I am learning about Grace. I’ll still share the journey with you all if you care to read. It just may not be as intense as last year.


And that is ok with me.

Memes and My Insecurities

The whole meme thing is stirring something in me that feels very familiar. First of all, for those who are new to the blogsphere – a meme is where someone comes up with an idea or topic and writes a piece on it. They then “tag” or name usually five others bloggers and ask them to write on the same topic. Those bloggers, in turn, write on the subject and “tag” five others and so on and so on and so on. It can range from a serious topic, like say - the condition of the church or a lighthearted topic as in - 10 things that make you happy.

Now don’t get me wrong…..Some wonderful conversations have come out of some of the memes that have gone on since I started to participate in this community in the last year. I think one of my favorites was the one on prayer – maybe because this was such an important topic for me at the time. Others have been fun and informative….some just….well….not as important to me. Have you ever seen a meme on someone’s blog and thought to yourself…..”Oh, I hope they pick me?” (Or, “Please don’t pick me?” :0)

As the last few memes have gone around and especially since Brother Maynard proposed his (which, I think was a really good one), I noticed myself reacting again in a way that seems very familiar to me. A couple of old feelings I had felt in my CLB (Church Left Behind) were stirred in me.

The first feeling is primarily a longing to belong and be important to a group of people. To be noticed. To be thought intelligent. To be the person that someone wants to hear from. To be singled out especially by people that I deem as "important." To be singled out by someone that I considered a leader - even here in the blogsphere (this, in itself is another post) was becoming important. Back in my CLB this was VERY important to me. I worked long and hard to be one of the “special" ones. It caused me to compromise what I knew was right and it caused me to treat others as a means to an end. It created stress and competition with others. I don’t want to go there again.

And then with some of the memes that tag me there comes a second familiar feeling. This feeling is the pressure to conform and the feeling of obligation. To show yourself one of the group. To show loyalty. To participate whether you really wanted to or not. To be nice even when you really don’t want to do something. (If someone tags you and you really have nothing to say, should you write something? If it does not interest you can you say, “No thanks?” ) (Bill does ;o)

See, in my CLB, whenever the leadership had an idea for a meeting or decided to bring in the newest special speaker – most of us were not asked about it. There were not many times in my memory that anyone in leadership asked the congregation or even the "inner leaders" if it was a good time in their schedules for an event or meeting to be planned. It was just announced. People were “tagged.” Your team will do the bulk of the worship, you will be needed for hospitality, we will need you for the sound, and your team for the setup, we need these finances to pay for it – you put out an email to those who own their own businesses. Every one was assumed to be on board, every one expected to be there and I always felt guilty if I couldn’t be there or didn’t want to participate. So I would participate to show loyalty and so that people would think highly of me. My husband would be pressured by me to be there. My kids would call off work so they could support the group. We were the model “Church Lady” and her family. UGH!

In my year out of church life I have loved the freedom from the pressure that I put on myself to want to belong (be tagged) and the freedom to not have to participate in something to show my loyalty or worry about what others were thinking. I thought myself free of those things.

But this whole meme thing has brought it all out in me again. Let me make this really clear. I’m not against memes that tag certain other bloggers. I’m not condemning them or you. I’m just going to be real here and let you know that from now on, if I really have something to say, I will. But if I don’t – please don’t be offended. You can tag me or not - it really doesn't matter. If I want to chime in and no one has tagged me I will. If someone tags me and I dont have anything to say, I'll say that. If it doesn't interest me, I'll just be quiet. I don’t want to play along to just belong, be loyal or not hurt someone’s feelings that tagged me. I don’t want to pressure anyone into participation that would really rather not participate.

Nor do I want to create a climate where someone is sitting at home being sad that they did not get included. I didn't pay enough attention to others in my CLB, I don't want to start doing that here. I don’t want to belong to the “in” group of bloggers. (How sad is that that I somehow think there is an “in” group – Do you see my problem?) It is just not good for me right now.

I have loved the times that memes have just grown organically. Most recently, I loved Heather’s post that generated such good discussion. I loved Erin’s post that sparked so many other great thoughts and writings. I really like Glenn’s and others’ monthly syncroblogs and the feeling that anyone can participate or not and there is no pressure. All are welcome to speak/write.

I don’t want to ever go back to feeling like I need to be something to a group of people to get my identity needs satisfied. I want to guard my heart so that my blog and my friends that read and comment here don’t’ become my new way of feeding my brokenness and insecurities. I want Father to give me that, not you guys.

By the way…my favorite book is most definitely Galatians!! And as far as a manifesto for a church -(thanks Heather) how about having a group where I don't abuse you guys to get my needs met.

(Off topic - I'm tempted to get my husband to help me come up with 10 Memes That No One Would Participate In) (Go ahead and leave your ideas - you know you want to!!!!!)

Moral Busybodies

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." ~ C.S. Lewis from God In The Dock: Essays In Theology and Ethics


I found this quote somewhere on the internet last month. If I got it from you…please don’t be hurt that I didn’t tag you. I truly forget where I found it.

But it has been dogging me ever since. Subsequently, I read a book by Jeff VanVondren – “Trying to Measure Up.” (ht – Tracy – great recommendation, thanks) and when I ordered it I also added another one by him that sounded good – “Families Where Grace is in Place.”

This last book was amazing to me in how we should relate to those closest to us – your husband and children – with grace in place instead of trying to control them. He talks about the difference between a curse filled family (filled with control and emphasizing “doing the right things”) and a grace filled one. He talks about which jobs are God’s and which are ours. And he speaks of releasing them to the Father to change them and stepping back from the process and giving grace.

This is amazing to me. It is how I want to be treated but somehow so hard to implement into relationships. I realized that I think I can control people by giving them the right information and like C.S. Lewis says, I do that, “for their own good,” thinking that I have the moral or ethical or intellectual upper hand. In looking at my interactions with people, how I treated other Christians in my old ‘church,’ how I treat my husband and my kids and even sometimes how I have treated you that read here in my comments to you, I realized that sometimes I am more interested in saying what I think people need to hear than I am in giving grace.

My goal in all of this was not to be a newer, better version of Church Lady. It was, instead to be transformed. I want to be known for my grace to others – not for my vast knowledge and experience that can change someone’s life if they will only listen to me. I want to be a learner first.

I certainly don’t want to be an “omnipotent moral busybody.” And that persona is so easy for me to slide into. It is only a small step then to being a tyrannical omnipotent moral busybody. At that point, the "Church Lady" in me is resurrected and potentially more dangerous than she ever was.

(cartoon by xkcd)

Easter 2008

I’m not in “Church” this Easter Sunday morning.

First time ever in my whole life. Since birth. Since conception.

I started my life in my mother’s arms in the service. I graduated into the nursery for the next few Easters. Then into the services. Sometimes three in one day. Sunrise service, Morning Services and Services at night. I glued on the stone to the Sunday school paper, colored in the angel at the door, play acted the whole scene numerous times and sang with the children’s choir in the big service. I graduated to singing in the choir for Easter Cantatas, and special music. Husband was in a “Last Supper” reenactment and acted as the lead, Peter in “The Witness” by Barry McGuire while I was in the chorus. We went on from there to putting on our own very small services in our new church plant in Michigan. Then 20 years here where Easter services were downplayed as silly and almost pagan in nature.

So this morning, the first time out of an institutional church setting and wondering, really, what the day of Easter means to me, has been truly refreshing.

The question of the morning for me has been, “How does the resurrection of Jesus affect me this morning?”

And in the answer to that question comes a depth of the most incredible peace and contentment that I have ever felt.

He did it. He did it to completely eradicate the need for me to do anything more than return his love for me. He did it to free me to be able to love others. He did it to show me that he was who he said he was. He did it to reconcile me to the Father who longed for a relationship with me. He did it to abolish the rules of religion. All of them.

And for that, on this first Easter day where Church Lady is not in a chair or a pew, I am so grateful. I am at peace.

I think if I am ever involved in an institutional setting again of believers that I will refuse to go to a meeting on Easter.

Just to remind myself that He did it all. I can be at peace and full of gratefulness on this day where everyone else feels the need to do the “right” thing by going to see God at his house. I don’t need to.

Especially today of all days.

Happy Easter Everyone. He is Risen….I am free.

Two Links for Further Reading

In my exploration of the end time harvest and Dominion theology I happened by Len Hjalmarson's website and read this excellent article, "The Tabernacle of David and the Latter Rain: Hype or Hope?" In it, he explains some of the background of this doctrine that was very helpful to me. Explore around his site a bit as I found some really helpful articles.

The second one was published today at Fake Republic. It is a brilliant article on "A Stalemate in Theology. Brilliant Stuff. Please read it.

Again, it shows me my own heart. I went from one 'set of beliefs' straight into another in my life as a religious person . Both just as rigid. Both had all the answers. Both would not listen to the other's side in a matter. Both had theology - the whole gamut of it - nailed down. I loved that then.

The problem is that I probably still do and therefore need to guard my heart against it in the future. To protect myself and those that I talk to I need to stay in a place of "unsureness."

Now that sounds incredibly dangerous. I can hear Church Lady screaming! But then I like to hear her scream now. It does a body good on a gloomy Monday.

"Raised in the Church"

Words are so odd to me right now - especially religious words. Words that just a few months ago flowed from my lips without a thought. Now, as I read them in a whole new light, I find my mind tripping over them.

Some of you read my words on prayer. Religious words, words full of theology – maybe good or maybe bad. Vague words. Church Lady words. Words from books. Words from someone else. Words that make you part of a club. Words that mean something to a very few of our population. Words that need an interpreter if you talk to someone outside of the “church”.

Another one hit me today as I read it. They said, “I was raised in the Church.” When they say it you can hear the capital “C”. Now we know they were not raised in the building – although many of us felt like we were with all the endless meetings. I know I grew up with Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and then of course when old enough for youth group meetings we were together at least one or two other nights. Before we were old enough for youth group there were the choir practices that we had to sit in the hard pews on a Thursday night for what seemed hours. Hmmm....maybe I was raised in the Church.

But this is not what people mean when they say that phrase. They are not talking about the actual time spent. They are talking about being raised in Christianity. With Christian teachings, Christian friends, Christian theology, Christian lives, Christian buildings. Christian leaders, Christian meetings, Christian rules, Christian pastimes, Christian schools……..But they do not say they were raised in Jesus. Or in a relationship with any sort of a Heavenly Father. It is not about relationship. It is an institution.

Now my children are not being raised “in the Church” like their older siblings. This makes me ask what are they being raised in? I wonder how they will speak of this “raising” that we are doing now.

If I could help them with the words, I would hope they could say when they are grown, “I was raised loving God.” Or, I was raised as a Christian - but not like you think.” Or, “I was raised in a Jesus follower kind of way.” I wonder what they will say. I definitely don’t think they will say they were “raised in the Church.” And today, at least, that does not bother me.

The Church Lady and Her Un-Churched Kids

While out in blogdom today, many are pondering the really deep meanings of God and the universe (see Brother Maynard’s blog – brilliant stuff) Church Lady here has a simple question:

How do I raise my children outside of the “church?” It has been a few months since we have left and there is not a Sunday School in sight as far as I can tell for a long time to come.

Of course we all know that we (the parents) are responsible for their spiritual training. That was always told to us by our churches. I told this to others – partially to absolve the church when their kids turned out bad. After all, you can only claim responsibility when it looks good for you. When it does not work out to your advantage – bail and let them know it was their responsibility all along.

The only problem I see was that no one ever actually really took responsibility that I know of. We let the Sunday School teachers do their job and “presto” our kids knew all about Jonah and the Whale and Noah and the Arc. (In there was probably some really good spiritual training although, to tell you the truth, I never saw how they could take a story about God wiping out the whole human race – every living thing – and teach it to any child who would not run screaming from the room and never love God again. It worked though if you needed people to be afraid of God to obey him. Hmmmm…….)

Of course Church Lady was always too busy to teach Sunday School. Her gifting was not only not in evangelism but also not in children’s ministry either. There might be something important going on in the service that she would have to help with. Or how could she mentor people the next week without knowing what the Spirit was saying in the service on that previous Sunday. And children seldom knew how important you were. They could not feed that ego in her.

If you were to tell me 4 months ago that my kids would not be going to church during their formative years, I would have thought you had lost your mind. Now I have no idea what to do. It is kind of like wondering if your kids would really be socially hampered if you home schooled. What will un-churched Christian kids look like in 10 years? Will we need to give in and attend a church just for their sakes? I have read on some of your blogs that you have done just that - gone back to church for your kids. How is that working for you?

Meanwhile I need to decide what I will do in the meantime. I never liked the Bible story approach. I think it gives a very disjointed view of the Bible. Maybe I’ll read them the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. I liked to use historical fiction to teach history when I home schooled my older kids. It made it more enjoyable for me at least and they seemed to really understand it better. It's too bad that Sponge Bob does not do Bible Studies for kids.

I am understanding now that it is my responsibility. Mostly because there is no passing it off. My mantra that it is the parents’ responsibility has now actually fallen on my shoulders - thus proving that I did not really believe it before.

Sigh.....

The Disappearing Church Lady

So last night was a very quiet night for me.

My husband was out of town, my grown children were all busy with either being “out” or working and I was uncharacteristically at home alone with my younger children. Only a month or two ago I would have had at least one or two young people or couples at my house from church. We were almost never alone. Because of church, our home was always full.

Last night was very disconcerting to me. I felt as though I was slowly becoming invisible. Almost like in the Back to the Future movie where the images of his brother and sister were disappearing off his photograph.

I realized that I had not made a friend outside of church for the last 20 years. (I had always said to myself that my job was to train up people who would go out into the world. I was not an evangelistically gifted person so I was there to train up disciples who would.) (Oh My God, did I ever really say that?) (I need to add that to my confession.) Church had always provided me with friendships. I realized that I did not know how to make friends – at all – in the real world. I felt very lonely and afraid.

I was talking to my best friend today. We laughed at how Church Lady – that is how she has always referred to my more "religious side" (that is why she is my best friend)– could actually go to Barnes and Noble’s and join a book club. Church Lady had never done anything like that. Who would I be without my Church Lady persona? Before this, Church Lady was very busy being a Leader. Everyone looked at Church Lady and knew that she was important because of whatever she was leading at that time. Now I am disappearing. The book club at Barnes and Noble’s won’t know that I am Church Lady unless I tell them – and I am certainly not going to tell them. But who am I then?

It is scary. I have no idea who I really am. I can tell you about my kids, my husband, what I do, but to tell you who I am – I have never had to tell anyone that. In the church, they just always told them what I did and that let them know how they needed to relate to me. How can I ask a person outside the church for coffee? Won’t they think that is weird? How do they do it?

I was a Leader. I was Church Lady. Now I am not. Period. Disappearing. Scary.