Stages of Grief/Blogging

Wikipedia, in its article about the stages of grief gives the five commonly known stages that people go through while experiencing grief of all sorts. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Today, while I had a few minutes to catch my breath in the middle of both my busy season at work and my father's decline in health I pondered those stages. Many of you are asking why we are not blogging about the church or our situations as much as we were last year at this time. I realized today that in a lot of ways, the stages of my blogging mirrored the stages in my grief over our church situation. I wonder if many of you are like me too.

In the beginning, there was the denial. I just did not want to believe these people would not turn around and be my friend again. I did not want to believe that they would simply turn away from our leaving without coming to reconcile the seeming dichotomy of what they knew of our lives and what was being said (or not said). I could not believe that if I could figure out the inconsistencies of the doctrine and practice that they would also soon figure it out. Denial was a large part of the beginning of my journey and then my blogging.

Anger. Oh how the anger phase fueled my fingers as they ranted and exposed and cried out for justice. I almost look back on that phase with a bit of longing. I was feeling, thinking, reacting and if nothing else, I felt alive. I tried to "tone it down" because some friends were reading, but trust me, it was born out of the anger I felt for being duped and then in turn duping others as I was their leader. I was just waiting for God to get a clue and straighten them all out and show everyone that we were right!!

I think for me, I skipped right over bargaining to depression. I remember posts that I would weep over. Nights where I would dream of former friends and then spend the next day in a fog. I did not want to do anything. All the pleasures of life were reduced to gray - no color. Even in this phase it fueled the mind to write. I needed to reach out of my pit and at least know that others were around who understood me. You all were great. You reached right back and loved me. I think the time of depression would have lasted much longer with graver consequences if it were not for the online community that I experienced.

The bargaining phase though did pop up here and there. I wanted to offer God something else that might work. I wanted community like I had before. I wanted to belong again. I wanted the "church" to change so that I could belong. I entered a period of wondering how the "church" could be structured so as to prevent any abuse of power. How would we all get together to pray and share and learn?

And then, somewhere in the past few weeks and months I think the last phase has descended. Acceptance. I have learned to accept the place where I am. I have learned to accept my kids, my husband and my friends just as they are. I accept the "church" and realize that while others may go and find a place of community, I will probably not ever be there again. Acceptance that the friends God places around me are the friends that I am to have - no more - no less. Acceptance that the times around my dinner table or out to eat are my church. Acceptance that my kids, their friends and their parents are here for me to love.

Most of all this acceptance phase has decided to accept the path that the Father has seemed to place us on. Maybe we are crazy. Maybe we are hard of heart or even more likely, hard of hearing. But, as much as I may not really love it all of the time, it is where we are.

The thing lately that has brought me peace in this place of acceptance is a memory. When Nathan, (now 14), was born, I distinctly felt that the Father told me that I was to give him a middle name of Dabar. Dabar is a Hebrew word for "a new thing." Of course, back in my old group we were always looking out for the next NEW THING!!! that was just around the corner. I thought maybe he was to be a great leader, prophet, evangelist. But just the other day I was reminded of his name and it made me laugh a bit. What if this "new thing" is the absence of all of the old stuff. What if the Father wants my kids brought up outside the confines of the institutional church? What if He wants to teach them about himself - all by himself - in an organic kind of existence?

I guess I'll never know really. All I know is that today as I look back and evaluate, I am at a place of acceptance like never before. I feel like I have finally sunk to the bottom of a warm ocean, I have sand beneath my feet and I am stable for the first time in a long time. I'm surrounded by the sea of His love. I breathe in the water and am amazed that I can exist in this place with such health.

Not much to write about down here. But it is nice.

Covenant Breaking, Covering Doctrines and Hearing the Voices Again

Grace, at Kingdom Grace today, posted a bit about Covering and what people say when you have a string of bad things that happen to you. It was great fun in the comments as we poked fun at the doctrine and I chimed in with my few cents.

But this is a serious matter people. I still am reeling from this doctrine. I think it has been the hardest one to extract myself from.

See the other day I decided to do a piece on the practice we had in my old ‘church’ of making covenants. In leaving our group we were to have “broken covenant’ with all the people there. So I was going to write about what covenants are and aren’t and how this doctrine was used to keep people from questioning and leaving our group. I wanted to remember all that was preached so I went onto our old church website (now under a new name) and found the latest sermon on Covenants.

Sure enough there had been one preached in June of this year. As I listened I grew more and more disheartened. Covenant breakers were the evil that the Church needed to purge. They were the reason the harvest of souls were blocked. Those who broke covenant had marriages that had failed, children doing drugs and rebellion, insanity promised and the onslaught of homosexuality and other sins that attached themselves to you.

I knew what was being preached was garbage but then my weekend unfurled. I battled with a daughter over a decision that was going to hurt her – a decision that would have been harder to make had she surrounded herself with Christian friends. Then on Monday, TWO TRUCKS in my business broke down. One had the axle (or something connected to the wheels) actually fall out of the truck. Then an irate customer who was threatening to sue my company for something she perceived we had done. By the end of the day I was exhausted.

But more than that….I was hearing the voices again. “All this has happened because you are a covenant breaker.” “If you were in the ‘church’ you would be protected.” “God knows what you have been writing and thinking and talking with people about. You have talked ill of the brothers and therefore all these things are being allowed to happen.”

I was so mad at myself. I was ashamed to admit that I still heard these things in my head. I was flabbergasted that this man’s voice could silence the truth that I knew to be true.

So….no big ending here. I am more sane today. Best Friend spoke truth to me, Husband reminded me of times that were even worse – while still in the system, an adopted daughter laughed with me at myself, Grace’s post made me laugh too and another friend made me question what is still in my heart that I don’t really believe about God that shows itself when things like this happen.

I guess I just write to let you know that the journey takes a couple of steps backwards every now and then. I think that I’m not the only one who struggles so don’t despair when you find yourself having to deal with it again.

Broken on the Political Front

As I listen in on the political front I have decided that something is deeply broken in me.

I don’t trust leadership right now - church or state. The hurts of the church have gone deeper than religion. They effect how I view the world and thusly how I view men and women in the world that want to be my political leaders. Ms. Palin might be a very wonderful woman....but I have seen very wonderful women do very horrible things to protect the things that are valuable to them. Mr. Obama might be a captivating speaker but I have sat under captivating speakers before who spoke what turned out to be outright lies.

I wasn’t always this way. I trusted the government to take care of my family when I was a child - my dad was in the military. This breeds a deep trust in your government. I trusted my church and their teachings growing up through my teens and 20’s. That was destroyed but I just thought I had bought into the wrong brand. So I trusted again. I trusted our ‘church’s’ leaders. I trusted their teachings, their vision and their professed love for me, my family and our ‘church’ body. That did not work out so well…

I have seen firsthand what the desire for power and prestige does to a person. Heck, it just occurred to me that I have been that person. It is not so very far away to the core of who I am.

You take a man (or woman) add power, throw in a bunch of money and prestige, shake, and I am left with the bitter drink of distrust.

So I think that is why I am having such a hard time. I believe no one. I trust no organization. I can’t even start to believe that what they say now really reflects what they will do later or what they even believe in their hearts. Sound bites do not reveal the heart and motives. I want to believe them as I hear them speak…but something in me warns me again that I cannot always trust what I see. Great orators have deceived men for ages.

Add that to the fact that I don’t believe that I can start to understand the world in such a way that I could make informed decisions on the basis of my present knowledge - as limited as that is. Our world is too complex. When you think you understand and grasp an issue - there is a corresponding result in another quadrant that you didn’t even see. I don’t have the time to become a political science major. And even if I were an expert in a field such as that or economics or government - who’s to say I would have been taught a true and balanced perspective?

I understand why someone would be a one issue voter - whether it be abortion or the environment or health. Please don’t make fun of these people. Maybe that is all they have confidence in their own intellect for.

I know who I’m voting for. It’s not that. It is just that I don’t trust them, or anyone, anymore. And I really don’t like that about myself.

This is going to be a long few weeks for me.

Disclaimer Needed

Ok, I’m speaking to all of you who blog that are on my sidebar. Yes, YOU, Brother Maynard, Robbie, Grace, David, Bill, Jeff, Heidi, (both of you), Tracy, Glenn, Michael, Alan, Abmo, Wayne and Darin, Paul, and all the rest. I have decided that you need a disclaimer on your blogs. You need to warn people. You need to understand what you are doing and warn people of the outcome of what you are writing.

Let me explain....... I began reading your sites totally excited to find you. I loved what you wrote and identified closely to your stories. I drank in the new things that the Father was showing you. I learned from you. I felt as if we were friends even.

But I never thought I would end up, here, where I find myself.

I am so far away from being able to walk into another Sunday Morning Club and make myself fit. I totally don’t even speak the same language. I find myself longing for the community but unable to even speak the same language. I might as well be in a foreign country trying to communicate as to try to communicate with the common Christian that I find myself confronted with. I thought our lives would parallel the 'church.' At the juncture of our lives where we left, I now find myself at on a course of what was then a 90 degree angle. Only I had NO IDEA.

See I am thinking now. I am able to spot and smell the tainted smell of control and false teaching. Granted I’m sure - totally sure - I don’t have a corner on truth. I can just smell those who think they do. I have woken up. I have taken the red pill. I am no longer in the world of la-la land.

But I remember that world. I love that world. I can taste the "steak." I remember.

Not the bad parts but the parts that put me into community. I long for community. In some ways I relate to a drug addict where the drugs induced a state of mind that was so easily attainable that real life paled in comparison. Community in the institutional church was like that. Instantaneous and easy to obtain. Instant gratification. Instant friends. Instant community. Instant goals and ideals. We were one.

But we weren’t. When questioned, it disappeared like a vapor. Friendships disappeared. Community vanished.

I miss it so much today.

So to all of you who write in such a subversive fashion, let me say this. You should warn people. WE should warn people. We should say something like this:

Beware all who land on this site. This site may enable you to see truth for the first time. Seeing truth may be just what you are looking for but you need to be careful. Once you have tasted truth you will never be able to stomach lies. You are on dangerous ground if you ever want to fit into the established system. You may lose all your friends. You may not have anyone left to worship with. Your children may be left only to you to raise. God will not be controlled any longer. He will be good but no longer safe in that you will not be able to predict his every move. And as for many of your friends. You will need to be willing to loose them. They may (probably will) shun you, dismiss you and turn away from you despite what you now may think. You need to think long and hard about this because it will affect your life. Please be careful with this site. Only enter at your own risk.

I know that sounds over the top. But today I’m not so sure it is.

Drifting

Isn't this how you feel somedays?



The tags I added to this post say it all. Doubts, Faith, Fear, Father's love, Shunning, Trust, Depression. They are all with me in my little tub.



I've always seen the ocean as the vastness of God and his love for me. So actually this is a peaceful picture to me. Lonely but peaceful.

(comic by xkcd)

The Power of Words

"We were told words had power and speaking them aloud gave them a foothold into your life and would keep you in bondage." my daughter writing about the Power of Words.

My daughter has just begun blogging. I have been encouraging her to do this for some time now. It has helped me so much to get my thoughts and feelings down on paper where I can see them. In addition, your reading and commenting have made me feel like I am not as crazy as I might have thought.

I have told her that I want her to keep it personal and not give me (or anyone who actually knows her) the website. I think it is really important for her to be able to say anything that she wants to say without wondering what I or others around her will think or say. But, I added, “If you want me to read a particular post, just email me a copy of what you posted.”

She did today and it blew me away. She was writing about the power that words have and how she has noticed that since she has begun actually voicing her emotions and hurts it has allowed her to gain some space and freedom in her head.

You see in our old church, we were told that words have power over you and your heart. You could, “speak things into being,” or “ruin your destiny” by what you spoke over your life. Some, in the church believed in never affirming a diagnosis of a doctor aloud or else, by your words, you would empower the affliction to become even stronger in your body. Even those that did not go that far still preached about how words could either ruin you and your walk with God or empower you to live the "Victorious Christian Life”. (Why can I not say that last line without hearing Sponge Bob Square Pants "hall monitor" voice in my head?)

Now, I know that there is some nugget of truth in the fact that the spoken word does have an effect in our lives. For instance, I believe that someone who is constantly telling themselves that they are a failure has little hope of being a success. Someone who constantly tells themselves that everyone hates them will end up having very few friends. But somehow, in the middle of those truths, some craziness crept in. We were told not to voice dissension or disagreement with the leaders or else it would poison our lives and lead to rebellion. We were discouraged to voice our doubts about why healing did not always work for fear that it would impact our faith for that healing.

Here is how daughter describes it;

Maybe that's why this tactic was used. To further keep the congregation silent, unsure and ashamed of themselves - a brainwashing of sorts so that no one ever spoke against the pastor (because that was giving a spirit of division power over your life). So we were all kept silent and ashamed of even the thoughts that were whirling around in our minds. We ignored them if we could, and if we ever got so frustrated that we did try to confront the leadership about something, we didn't have anything to say. We had never gotten our thoughts in line enough to make a solid argument. We just looked like emotional fools and their points on thoughts and words giving power to the enemy were only reinforced by our behavior. Wow, what an effective lie.The real power of words is that they hold truth. Not truth as in "this is what is good and right" but truth to what is actually going on. If you are feeling hate or rage or are frustrated, or doubtful, or angry, or regretful, it's ok to say so and not be ashamed or afraid of the fact. I think this will take me a while to learn though. So far every blog I've posted has been accompanied by guilt and fear of saying this stuff aloud. I didn't want to write for so long because I was ashamed or afraid that by doing so, it would only strengthen the doubts and fears and weaknesses that I did have. That I would be giving them power over my life and worst of all, I feared that I would be judged for being so messed up.

But the opposite has happened. With every post I feel more real. I feel more at peace. It is like I'm giving my flaws skin, and space to breathe, and they are healing for the first time in my life instead of compounding and burrowing themselves deeper into my body. I admit to them being messy and ugly when I first let them emerge (my mom can attest to that), but the healing that they undergo after that, leaves them unrecognizably ok.

For those of you who don’t know my daughter or me personally and want to follow along as she writes, please email me at the address at the top of my blog page with your email address and I will forward it on to her and she can give you her blog address. I especially encourage those of you who have had children hurt by the church to follow along or encourage your kids to read too. Beware; it might be very raw and not pretty. But it will be real and hopefully, the words written and spoken will result in healing.

Nine Months

It has been nine months since we left our CLB.

Funny, but nine months has always been a marker for me of a new life. It was nine months gestating a new human life. I’ve been through it enough times to remember. Nine months of waiting, anticipating, and longing to meet this new person yet it was also nine months of not liking what was going on and the ramifications that it brought to me personally.

I don’t do pregnancy well. Never did. Always dreaded it. The only bright spot was the movement of the new one within me. It broke through the headaches, backaches, constant peeing, nausea, and exhaustion with the wonder of actually growing a new life in my body.

But then there was an end to it. Usually after the final last months of contractions that promised the world but delivered nothing there was that night when we knew that we were going to start a new chapter with this new life. That part was glorious and I remember each dawn with a new baby with such great delight that I endured it seven times.

But these nine months are different. It feels like pregnancy in some ways. For one, it has been long. The headaches and heartaches are reminiscent of those other days. I do feel like there is new life in there somewhere. I feel it kicking as I venture out or contemplate venturing out in the unknown. But it never seems to come. Not really come.

Sometimes it just feels like those nauseous days when I wondered why in the heck I ever got pregnant again in the first place.

Why did we do this again? Can someone remind me? We are not crazy…right?

But then I would remember why I got pregnant and now I remember why we left and it all makes sense for the moment.

I want my friends back. Not the ones who called themselves my friends and then just used my friendship – who ultimately just wanted me to follow them. I want the ones who were genuine friends. The ones I loved in my home. The ones I watched grow up into marriage and being mothers. The ones that we raised our kids together with. The ones that nine months ago had to make a choice between leadership and me.

I just feel that I am in the middle of a pregnancy that is filled with longing and that I do not see an end to. I’m not sure I can do this. I want the new life to start. Something at least.

Leaving and The Truman Show

8 months out of leaving our former church and I am still learning some things. I was talking to my daughter the past few days. It has been a hard few weeks for her. For one, she ran into a whole group of teens and youth that still attend our old church. The sight of them and their subsequent shunning of her was so hard to take. It brought up all the old hurts in a way that I was shocked at how much she was still angry and unhealed. As we talked I realized that my leaving and her leaving were two different things entirely.

My leaving was much like watching the movie, The Truman Show starring Jim Carrey. In fact I was fascinated to see how the plot of the movie detailed my life in our church Some highlights:
The director tried to appear benevolent but it was all for the money and his
prestige.
Those who dared go against the master plan of the director were quickly removed.
The whole plot depended on everyone playing their part.
Those who actually made the show happen had to pack away their conscience.
When Truman started to question his surroundings the usual tactic was used to
convince him that he was the crazy one.

And that was my church life. Like Truman, the first thing that I finally saw as unreal (for Truman it was the spotlight that landed in the street – for me the questioning of the use of titles) started me to question all the other things. It was because of my questions and the ensuing answers that did not match up to what Jesus taught, that I left.

But for my daughter it was not that at all. For her, she left because of the hurt and pain that she was made to feel from the people there. In fact she actually left a year before the rest of us did.

But because of this, I don’t know how to really help her. For me, I am just able to realize that I and everyone else were deceived and therefore I have changed my mind. This gets easier and easier the further away from May that I get. This does not work with her though. She has been wounded. She still bleeds. To see someone or think of times in the past will throw her back into the hurt of the day it happened. It is as fresh as if it were happening again, all over. The unhealed-ness is heartbreaking to watch and I feel helpless. Of course I know all the lines I would have told her last year at this time…”you just need to forgive, just trust God to work it all out, try to pray more, just have faith.” Fortunately, I know how wrong those would be to use on her right now.

Best Friend says it just takes more time and someone to talk to. I believe that and am more than willing to wait but do any of you have any more advice for us? Is there anything I can do with her or for her? She trusts me. Our relationship is really good which is amazing since I in so many ways encouraged her to just take the abuse and not say anything because these people were our leaders.

The best line by Truman’s best friend (one of the cast): “Nothing you see on this show is fake…it is merely….”controlled”.” For me, I realized that it was controlling and walked out. For my daughter, she was one of the ones who was controlled and thus hurt.
What do you think?

Depression

I’m going to be honest here.

For the past month or two I have, for the first time that I remember, dealt with depression. No, that is not entirely true….I am depressed. (See how in just a few words we can distance ourselves from what we consider “wrong” in some way and make it sound so much better?).

I admit it. I exhibit all the signs of it. I checked. Everything is so easy to find nowadays on this thing called the Internet. Actually I did not have to look it up. I just knew it.

I’m sad. I cry a lot. I have lost a lot of desire to do much of anything that I found satisfying before. I’m dreaming a lot when I do sleep. I dream constantly about running into different members from my CLB. When I don’t sleep I am besieged by thousands of thoughts. What if? What about? Why? What can I do? What will they do? What will they say? I swing from anger and then back to compassion and then to sadness and then to numbness with startling quickness.

It is hard to admit depression. It would be easier to admit it much later, after, hopefully I have figured out what exactly is wrong with me and “conquered” it. But I need to admit it now.

But you know what? I can hear the voices screaming in my head how wrong it is to feel this way. Some of them sound a lot like my own as I have leveled some of these words at others. Voices that say things like:

Just be happy for crying out loud.
You need to get your head wrapped around the “truth” of the Word
Just get up, take a shower, put on your makeup and you’ll feel better.
Just set up a time with me and we will pray against this spirit of depression.
If you would just get back into fellowship with the believers in our church you would feel better.
Of course you are depressed. Look at your giving. God is not blessing you.
Maybe if you spend some time, early in the morning, in prayer and connecting with God, you'll be better.
You say he is depressed? Well of course, he broke covenant with our body and is now out there all on his own.
You just need to speak the Word. God’s promises will not return void.
Get under our covering and God will rebuke this demon of depression.
We have been given the spirit of an overcomer. You can do this.
We have a spirit, not of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind so if we are truly walking with God the spirit of a sound mind it will keep away any depression.
Don’t hang around people who are depressed. You will start to believe that the gospel does not work. They will steal your faith.
Depression is a sign of a very unstable person. Certainly not mature in the things of God.

Shall I shut them up now? You get my point.

I’m sorry Daughter….many of these were leveled at you. Please forgive me.

One of the funny things about living in this kind of toxic church belief system is that for some it was the CHURCH that caused their depression. Or at least what we were teaching in the church. Did we ever step back and say, “Oh, my God, what might we be doing that is causing this person to struggle like this.” Would that have been a good question to ask ourselves?

Another reason it is hard to admit being depressed is because if my old CLB ever heard that I was struggling with depression right now they would have been given the match to light the wood stacked at my feet. It would prove just how wrong and unstable and full of demons that I now am. My one ray of light has been Husband, who has been so patient with my tears and crazy – unlike me – behavior. He has said time and time again, “Honey, you are right where God wants you. He has something to teach you and show you about yourself and him.” I don’t know what I would have done with anyone less understanding. Best Friend and one or two others have also been so encouraging and not judgmental in this whole process

But then yesterday I looked onto my computer and read a bit of what someone else is going through. Heidi at Live With Desire was one of the first people that gave me hope that I was not crazy in coming out of our CLB. Monday, she again did that for me. In her Thoughts About Depression she says some simply amazing things. Please, please take the time to read it.

If you have ever struggled with depression, or are depressed now please read her post.

If you have never struggled with depression – you too need to read it. It will keep you from saying all the stupid things above and wounding people even more.

Thanks Heidi…And Husband….And Best Friend….And all the friends who now surround me. Your grace to me is amazing.

But They Didn't Call.....

Didn’t they realize that even though we disagree on church things I still love them and their family?

But they didn’t call.

Maybe their invitation got lost in the mail. Wouldn’t they call then to see why we did not RSVP?

But they didn’t call.

Don’t they realize that even though we disagreed sharply and are not now in the same church, nothing would have stopped us from joyfully attending their daughter’s wedding?

But they didn’t call.

Do they not remember the times I stood up for their daughter? I was the one who encouraged her when everyone else wanted to give up on her. Don’t they remember how I loved her and believed in her?

But they didn’t call.

Do they understand that I spent the week before her day crying that I was going to miss her wedding?

But they didn’t call.

Do they understand that somehow I thought that even at the very last minute they would call and say, “What in the world are we thinking…Of course we want you here…Please come.”?

But they didn’t call.

Don’t they remember that we were family? Family can disagree on the huge, important things and yet come together on the real things, right?

But they didn’t call.

Do they understand that I spent the time that the service was going on silent, thinking and praying that God would be there in all of his love and fullness?

But they didn’t call.

Do they think that just because we left, we don’t love them or care deeply for them?

But they didn’t call

Don’t they know that despite our differences we still rejoice at every good and perfect gift that comes to them from the Father?

But they didn’t call.

I don’t write this to garner your sympathy. Father’s love and abiding presence is the only balm for such things. I also do not write this to garner any support for “my side.” There is no “my side” nor do I want you on it.

I write this for the same reason that I blog at all. I write so that when you experience hurt that decisions like this bring, you will feel that someone else has maybe felt it too and that they said that God would be there in the midst of their tears and heartache (and at moments…anger).

He was.

He called….He came….He cried with me….He never left…He understood.

He even understands why they didn’t call.

And He loves.

Endings

Today I closed down my personal Blog.

It was a blog that I had first opened when in my CLB. Many women and surprisingly a few of the guys were regular readers as I explored what it meant to live in Jesus. It was like personal devotional of what I was learning each day. When we left our church a few months ago my posts got fewer and farther between. I just could not write about all that I was learning because to do so would maybe disrupt husbands and wives from walking in unity with each other. My beliefs are so different now that I could not "teach" these new things to those who would not even come to speak to me.

So I ended it. It feels as if a part of me has died today. My only hope is that God will one day restore the relationships that once were.

Here is what I posted about two weeks ago to close the site.

This will be my last post on this blogpage – __________. I will keep this message up for a few weeks and then close the site down.

I started it while still a leader at (CLB). Unless you just happened to stumble across this small pebble of a blog spot, you knew me at (CLB). About 3 months ago we made our decision to leave the church. Believe me it was not an easy decision. I/we cried for months. We kept asking God for wisdom and the ability to stay. Instead we believe He moved us out. We were called to take a different path than what _____ and _____ believed they were to take.

We had wanted to sit down with each person – those of you who were reading this site -and give a better explanation and affirm that we still loved you with all our hearts and wanted an ongoing relationship with you but after the public meeting that was held we did not feel the freedom to do that.

I feel that in writing on this blog and having you read it – without having a face to face relationship with me- is not right. If you don’t believe you can have a real relationship with me then you should not be reading what I am thinking and feeling and learning.

So I am asking you for a few things. If you wish to follow the journey that God is taking Husband and I on, please at least email me and ask for the new site that I will be blogging on. That is the least amount of contact that I would desire.

If you want a real relationship with me and are wondering why I have not contacted you, please understand that we don’t want to cross any lines of trying to “deceive” you as has been publicly stated or putting you into the place where you are uncomfortable with my contact. Therefore I think I will leave it up to you to contact me. Know this. Those of you who have lived in my house and have been part of my family in various ways, I want your friendship still. I never changed. I only made a decision of who I was to follow. In that I did not choose ____ or ____ should not interrupt our friendship. We would still desire a relationship with them and their family.

Also realize that if we are truly being shunned in any way by you and your family, this is behavior befitting a cult – Not truly grace filled, brotherly love kind of behavior. I ask you to think hard about this.

I realize that you may have somehow come to believe that we did not want to have contact with you. That is not true and is easily confirmed anytime you wish to visit with us. At least come to yell at us. Something. Anything. This is ridiculous. We have not sinned to the point of someone refusing to fellowship with us. Check your Bible. If you are hurt, please talk to us. We never meant this to hurt you. We fully expected to be able to sit down and talk this through like adults.

Just know this – We will always welcome you into our hearts, arms and home. If it is a day, a week, a month or even years. Goodbye from ___________. I hope to talk to you soon.

Another nail in the coffin, Huh?

A More Complete Picture

In my post of Sunday, the comments were so good. Two of them urged me to be careful to not dismiss the power of the resurrection, which is at work in us now. Husband and I talked about what I had written and what the article I had referenced said and he also was uncomfortable with the whole tone of it.

You are all so right. In re-reading the article in its totality there is an air of despair and futility that I actually do not feel. I get the point that the author was trying to make that Jesus does embrace our brokenness yet I am convinced that he longs to heal it. I have seen resurrection power in my life and in others around me. I am changed. I am being changed. In coming to a place of repentance – even here in this time that I am walking through in my life - that is changing me. It is healing me and transforming me. I have seen the victorious life. I have seen healing, wholeness, transformation, deliverance and salvation. Here in this life – now. I also live with brokenness but I do not want to celebrate the brokenness – I celebrate the Love that loves me when I am broken and longs to heal me. I celebrate not other’s brokenness but my ability through Jesus to love them even in that place and give them a hope that there really is a healer and one who desires to pull them close to himself. Those two are different.

I am bothered (in re-reading the piece) by his words that seem to give that changing power of the love of God a seeming second place. Yes, Jesus does embrace our brokenness but gently, by learning to lean into him, he also begins to heal it. Not every time. But scripture is replete with the heart of God being revealed to do this very thing.

I guess I have spent so much of my church life trying not to look broken and also not loving those who were broken, that it struck a chord of resonance in me. When that happens I tend to get tunnel vision. I state things too brashly. I make things too simple to get across my point. I become lopsided. And sometimes when Husband or someone else tries to point out what I am missing – I may get a bit prickly.

There is truth in so much of what we write but I need to be careful to examine things from all angles. I’m not very good at this. I often go off onto tangents that leave Husband fearing for my life. I don’t actually live that way for long but I’m sure it is scary.

Which is why I need others in my life. I posted one day on Mary’s blog that I think very linearly. Therefore I, in my attempt to get to a point, may miss some very important and crucial elements in the whole picture. Husband thinks circularly. He is more apt to see the bigger picture with all the fine details. Best Friend is also like this. You think God thought I needed others around me who were not like me? Duh……

So thanks to you who are commenting. Keep challenging me. Thank you, Husband. Your patience with me is amazing. I need to lean on you more.

The Disappearing Church Lady

So last night was a very quiet night for me.

My husband was out of town, my grown children were all busy with either being “out” or working and I was uncharacteristically at home alone with my younger children. Only a month or two ago I would have had at least one or two young people or couples at my house from church. We were almost never alone. Because of church, our home was always full.

Last night was very disconcerting to me. I felt as though I was slowly becoming invisible. Almost like in the Back to the Future movie where the images of his brother and sister were disappearing off his photograph.

I realized that I had not made a friend outside of church for the last 20 years. (I had always said to myself that my job was to train up people who would go out into the world. I was not an evangelistically gifted person so I was there to train up disciples who would.) (Oh My God, did I ever really say that?) (I need to add that to my confession.) Church had always provided me with friendships. I realized that I did not know how to make friends – at all – in the real world. I felt very lonely and afraid.

I was talking to my best friend today. We laughed at how Church Lady – that is how she has always referred to my more "religious side" (that is why she is my best friend)– could actually go to Barnes and Noble’s and join a book club. Church Lady had never done anything like that. Who would I be without my Church Lady persona? Before this, Church Lady was very busy being a Leader. Everyone looked at Church Lady and knew that she was important because of whatever she was leading at that time. Now I am disappearing. The book club at Barnes and Noble’s won’t know that I am Church Lady unless I tell them – and I am certainly not going to tell them. But who am I then?

It is scary. I have no idea who I really am. I can tell you about my kids, my husband, what I do, but to tell you who I am – I have never had to tell anyone that. In the church, they just always told them what I did and that let them know how they needed to relate to me. How can I ask a person outside the church for coffee? Won’t they think that is weird? How do they do it?

I was a Leader. I was Church Lady. Now I am not. Period. Disappearing. Scary.