A Place For Us - Am I Really Ready?

Erin over at Decompressing Faith has a beautiful post on finding a place for those who are not fitting in anywhere formal yet long for community. The post and the following comments, questions and heart cries from many of us have been rolling around in my mind since last Tuesday.

I began dreaming. What would it look like if we that blog together could actually, magically be in the same location for a long while and physically meet together. Could we – who in so many ways have experienced some of the same things and have come to some if not most of the same conclusions – be able to meet together and love each other in a successful and meaningful way? It should be easy right? We like each other now as we read and write.

From what I have seen and read, we are a pretty open minded group of people. We have decided that the box that is American Christianity is not for us right now. We are more given to being open and honest – sometimes brutally at times. We are, as a whole, not afraid of admitting that we are broken. So would we be able to make this work?

Gary Means asked this question in a comment on Erin’s post – it is really my question: Are we humans too flawed to design and develop a community of organized chaos where love of God and others is the guiding factor?

And here is where I had to get really honest. I think we would have a tough time of it. The blogsphere is simply our lives written in antiseptic form. Our posts are what we want to share.

To read my blog does not demand that you labor at all with me. I make no demands of you. I don’t call you at 10:30pm to have you check on my elderly parents when I am on vacation. You don’t have to put up with me always having something to say about whatever is going on. You don’t have to put up with Husband’s endless puns. My kids are not leaving fingerprints on your wallpaper when we visit or crumbs in your couch. You don’t have to put up with the fact that my youngest son is spoiled because by the time we got to #7 we were just worn out. You don’t have to worry that my kids might be a bad influence on yours. (did you know I let my kids play World of Warcraft?) We don’t have to deal with each other’s parenting or lack thereof.

I think you get my point. There is a lot that we agree on but there is also a lot that we don’t have to deal with. And it is this real life “dealing with each other” that relationships break down and friction occurs. It is here that it becomes "not fun" and work.

I know this is not what Erin was really asking…and reading her for this past year assures me that she is not in denial about what it would really involve to meet together with a group of people…but I had to face this as I mulled it over this week. I am ready to have a group of people – a community around me. But am I ready to pay the price to do it? Do I have real expectations of what it will really be like? Am I prepared to love those around me that I find hard to love? We are all dysfunctional to some extent. Am I ready to meet together regularly with those who will bring that dysfunction into my own living room?

Do I long for the perfect group or am I willing to belong to and love regular people like me?

Leadership Dilemmas

Jeff, over at Losing My Religion: Re-Thinking Church was answering some questions from Terra Rose about how to do small groups/home churches. It is quite good and attempts to answer some questions that people have about leadership in small groups.

This made me think today, as it usually does, about what we are going to do in the future.

Should we:

1. Continue to float along this river, letting Father bring in and out those he wants us to have a relationship with in his own timing. This option may contain never having an intentional time to “meet” as we all understand it. (A meeting for worship(singing together, fellowship and some form of Bible study or a message) This option eliminates the need for a specific “Leader” and I can see why some would choose it. We can still employ the gifts that we have been given. But in this form it would be randomly as the Father sees fit.


Frankly I’m still not entirely comfortable with this. I think you loose out on being in contact with people to the extent of making deep relational bonds with people who are not necessarily your best friends. I think you loose out also in the ‘corporate-ness’ of the body of Christ. It just seems too loose and not what I see the early Christians doing.

2. Join a smaller group or a group that has some kind of leadership established.


I still, have a hard time imagining myself ever being able to put myself in the position to be lead by a “pastor” or leader. I don’t believe I am not willing to submit. I am just very wary of submitting myself to someone who is not obligated to submit themselves to me in the exact same manner.

But here is the kicker. I am a realist enough to know thatI have never seen a group work without a true leader. Someone always needs to be the one to step in, direct, correct or place limits. Without this, I know, things fall apart. In the vacuum of no leadership the unhealthy lead. There are power struggles like Terra Rose related. Even in my own family of 7 children, we constantly need true leadership.

I would love a small group to work like the leadership works in my marriage. . Husband and I submit ourselves to each other. We decide things together. There are areas that we each have “leadership” over. But there is not one leader in our marriage. We work at it together. If someone HAS to have the final say on something, we would both say that he would be the “Final Sayer.” But to tell you the truth – in our 28ish or so years of marriage we have only had to revert to that maybe 3 times. And even that was decided together. But honestly, we can’t even run our family like this much less a group of believers. This kind of leadership necessitates mutual submission and maturity. Kids just aren’t there yet and I’m afraid grownups are not much better.

But at the same time I’m still so very skeptical of leadership that to join someone else’s thing ...it would scare me to death. I have a hard time visiting another group let alone ‘join’ it in any way. Maybe there is healing still needed (you think?) but I’m not so sure I’m going to change much on this.

3. The third option I know is out there and many of you would say is, “Start your own thing.”

And it is here that I am having a problem. I do trust myself or Husband (somewhat) to lead a group of people – but mostly because I know we are so committed to not being a controlling leader and trying – as we do in our family – to make the bulk of our life something that each can have a say in. As, in a family, I want shared leadership of various parts of the group. Sounds good right?

But here is my problem with starting our own thing. How can I ask others to be led by me (or Husband) when I am not willing to put myself in the same position (to be led by someone else)? Doesn’t that smack of pride to you? What I am honestly saying, if I am truthful with myself, is, “I don’t trust anyone but me to be the leader, but you must trust me to lead.” “I’m going to ask something of you that I’m not willing to commit to myself.”

Doesn’t that sound unhealthy to you? It does to me.

And therefore, here is the crux of the matter:

I really don’t feel like I can truly be a leader of anything until I am ready to make that same commitment to be led by someone else.

That is where I'm at today. Sigh.....