Love and Its Sacrifice

I've been continuing to think a lot about the concept of love lately. In some ways I feel that I am trying to see everything through the lens of love. For instance, it changes something in to to simply start to ask yourself, "What would Love do in this situation?" instead of the traditional, "What would Jesus do?"

One thing I notice is that I use the word far less frequently. It means far more to me today than it did a few years ago. When I speak it, I realize I am making a commitment to that person.

I was listening to Darin Hufford talk the other day and he was describing his work among some homeless people years ago. He learned that when he told them that he was doing the work because "Jesus loved them" it was far different than when he begin to tell one of them that he, Darin, loved them. When he finally said, "I love you" it demanded that he DO something. He ended up bringing a homeless man to his home to live with him, all because when he said, "I love you," he could no longer let this man live on the street.

I realized that what Darin was saying was so very true. I cannot say I love you and then pretend that your needs do not matter to me. Love cannot be ignored. Love, in its very nature, demands sacrifice.

I always thought that if I do something for someone I was loving them. I'm beginning to sense that I have it all backwards. If I love someone, the doing will come naturally. I was always about doing. It was exhausting. But if you love, the doing flows naturally. Yes, you get tired and sometimes it does take an act of your will but when you love, something wells up inside of you so that you simply cannot pass by.

I wonder if when Jesus said, "If you love me you will keep my commandments," that what he was really saying was that if we loved him we would find ourselves naturally keeping his commandments. I've always felt guilty and tried to DO the commandments to show I loved Him. When I finally let myself be loved by Him I find myself returning the love and then I suddenly find it in me that I am doing what he wanted me to do all along.

I have seen no greater love than this, that a man will lay down his life for his friend. Not because he goes around laying down his own life so that he can see that he loves but that he loves and therefore finds himself naturally laying down his life.

Or maybe I'm parsing the words and their meanings too much.

One thing I notice is that I use the word far less frequently. It means far more to me today than it did a few years ago. When I speak it, I realize I am making a commitment to that person. I like that.

I'm Not Satisfied

Sometimes you find a comic that just sums up where you are. Pearls did it for me today.

UPDATE: Traveller said this in the comments of this post:

"This reminded me of some words of Henri Nouwen:

"Our life is a short time in expectation, a time in which sadness and joy kiss each other at every moment. There is a quality of sadness that pervades all the moments of our life. It seems that there is no such thing as a clear-cut pure joy, but that even in the happiest moments of our existence we sense a tinge of sadness. In every satisfaction, there is an awareness of limitations.

In every success, there is the fear of jealousy.

Behind every smile, there is a tear.

In every friendship, distance.

And in all forms of light, there is the knowledge of surrounding darkness. . . .

When you touch the hand of a returning friend, you already know that he will have to leave you again.

When you are moved by the quiet vastness of a sun-coloured ocean, you miss the friend who cannot see the same."

It seems to me this is the condition of our fallen existence for now. But our hope is for the redemption of creation in which this incompleteness will be gone forever as we live with God in his renewed creation. I look forward to his appearing and that day with great anticipation!

The Cell Phone Purge

My daughter decided to call a very dear friend still in our CLB today. (it actually went very well - thanks)

The only problem was that we no longer had her phone number.

See, we had gone through what I am sure is a oft repeated procedure after leaving a painful church situation. The procedure????

The Cell Phone Purge

The “Purge” is simply the act that you take when you finally go through and delete almost all the names from your caller list. You do this for several reasons.

You Purge it because it is so depressing:

The biggest reason to purge is that you decide that you are tired of having your phone full of people who would rather not talk to you. Each time you scroll through the names to get to the two people that you still call, you end up so depressed that you don’t’ even call that one friend that you picked up the phone for. Cell phones are not happy cell phones when filled to overflowing with tears. Or toilet water.

You Purge it because the phone becomes abusive:

It is the cell phone that screams out to you, “YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS LEFT!” “JUST LOOK AT THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT YOU TO CALL THEM!“ Cell phones can be very abusive when they are filled with X-friends. I don’t blame the phone itself as it is probably wondering why it exists except for your circle of 5 that now contain only your Best Friend, your husband and your kids. Thank God for the Best Friend!

You Purge it because it is no longer a Ministry Expense:

Now it is the cell phone that you can’t any longer deduct from your taxes as a ministry expense. Now it is just an expense. (No......we never did this - some pastors would though I expect.)

You Purge it because you don’t want to push the wrong button:

Say, you have the pastor and his wife with the last name that is spelled so that it falls next to one of your daughters and you don’t’ want to dial it by mistake. (How awkward would that conversation be? “Um, Hi _________, So….I heard…you..um….bumped into….um…my daughter….the…other day. How was that for you? Soooooo….Ok, bye then.”)

You purge it so that you can make room for all the new friends that you will soon have:

Riiiiigggghhhhhhttttttt. Keep dreaming.

So you go through the purge. Followed closely by a really good cry. Just put the phone down first.

But take heart, one day you may get to add a name back in. Keep a record. You just might need those phone numbers.

It was really fun. The Cell Phone seemed happy too.

The Scattering....Prophetic Voices?

I was listening to the God Journey Podcast this week. If you haven’t started listening to this – please do. Husband and I carve out 45 min a week to do this together. It is fun and also challenges us with almost each podcast. It is part of the Dying of the Cloth With Grace that I wrote about the other day. If you are new to the whole thing, start with the last 3. They are great.

Anyway, Wayne and Brad were talking about how people are doing outside the box of the institutional church. A commenter was saying that he felt that Wayne and Brad were not encouraging people enough to get into a “group” for regular fellowship and worship and teaching.

At this point, I do believe that Wayne almost began to speak prophetically. I bet he would not think that was what he was doing but it sure resonated in me that way. I transcribed the following from the last few minutes of the podcast “Enjoying Real Relationship”:

“In reading through the minor prophets, how often God says I’m going to scatter my people, scatter my people, scatter my people. Then there are other passages that say, ‘Then I will gather them together again.’ And I honestly, and this is the closest I get at times to feeling like I get a heartbeat from God’s voice in things like this, I do feel like God is scattering his people away from their false gods of religious institutions that we served more than Him. (The places) where we got false notions of who God is. That God is scattering his people so that they will find Him again. And then I believe God is going to re-gather these people. But He is going to gather them in a way that is more healthy and whole. (He then talks about all the lumber people are carrying around to build a newer and better sheep pens) He goes on to say, “You watch over the next 5 years the way God will begin to connect brothers…there are going to be ways that God just knits people together as relationships bear fruit.

This gave me a lot of hope. It makes sense to what I am seeing. It makes sense of all the great people that either had to leave or got thrown out of their “pen.” In a huge sweep of history there have been many times that people of God have been scattered. Maybe that is why we feel a bit scattered and disconnected. Maybe they felt like we do. Maybe it really is a part of what Father wants to be doing right now.

Another reader of Wayne's blog said this about the church - again I believe a prophetic voice:

It is clear that God is shaking up organisational church all over the place. When praying the other morning he gave me a picture for the church I left (since then many others are exiting as well) but which I think is applicable worldwide. He showed me a glass beaker punched all over with holes and water was pouring out of the holes. But what was so amazing was that as the water landed on the table it did not remain in little droplets separately but it made a pool which was held together by the surface tension. If more water came near it and joined it then it became one with the first lot of water so you could not tell which was which. God is far more interested in the contents than the container and those contents do not need a structure to keep them together.

Could we be participating in the next big “Move of God?” We could be…. but sorry….. those words still creep me out.

Friendship - Through Thick and Thin

The leaving of our old “church” left us bereft of friends. People who had lived with us, others who had known us for 20 or more years, no longer called, wrote or visited. Our house – once lively and full of friends day after day, was now mostly quiet.

Best Friend still was the same – as was the rest of her family. (They eventually left also) A few would go out for coffee if we asked - but most just acted as if we no longer existed.

The purpose of this post though is to tell you about the one couple that toughed it out. They were really good friends. We had been there from the conception of their relationship, the wife had lived with us for a few months, we had been at their wedding and we were in the midst of witnessing their first pregnancy. They ate dinner with us at least twice a week. We were very close. So when everything hit the fan it was very hard for them. They thought we had lost our minds. After all, it had been us to whom they had come with questions when things did not make sense. We had been the ones that talked them into staying a few times. We were the ones that told them that we didn’t want them to miss out on their destiny or leave the covering. Now we were the ones leaving, and with virtually no explanation.
One thing you need to remember. Seldom was there one in our group who spoke aloud their questions or voiced their problems to anyone else. And never had there been a leader who had. Not one. Even as we went through the process of leaving, Best Friend did not know. A girl that was living with us had no idea that something was up, and this couple, the closest people to us at the time had no clue that we were having a hard time or on the verge of leaving.

So when we had the final meeting with the Apostle and the Prophet of the church, and the leaders subsequently “explained” everything to the church that very night, our friends were virtually blindsided. We had tried to prepare them a few days before but again, we did not want to speak badly of the leadership or the problems we were having, so we were purposefully vague.

They came over that night, after the members had met and heard the “explanation” from our leaders. They cried. They were so mad at us. “How could you of all people leave,” they raged at us. We tried to explain it a bit without saying anything, my tongue tied by the teaching of “Not Touching the Lord’s Anointed.” By the time they left that night we thought we had lost their friendship.

But you know what? They waited a few days and then came over to tell us that they loved us and that they did not know what in the world was up but that we were “family” and they were not going to cut us off. They stayed.

It was hard at first. It was so awkward. Without the “Church” we had no common topics of conversation. If “church” did come up, we were so angry that it became impossible for us to really talk to them. They were not in a place yet of hearing us. So we kept the conversations ‘”safe.” It was still hard. All their friends were in the old church. The people that we had taught them to trust were still there. Nothing had changed except for our seeming disobedience of “walking out of covenant.” But they were determined to still love us and so they continued to come over.

Can I tell you what that did for me? It saved my life. It made me believe that true covenant, true friendship, was actually possible. That it was possible to actually work through something awkward and really, really hard with someone outside of your own family. (by the way, Best Friend actually falls into this category too but our friendship had been tested through the years by so much other stuff that this event actually did not strain it much)

As the months rolled on we became more open with our story. I think we also became less angry and more apt to talk about the whole situation where someone could listen to it and not be offended. They listened, they helped us process, they continued to love us. These “kids” (the age of our own older children) actually gave correction and asked some very hard questions.

This couple moved away this weekend. They are off to start another chapter in their lives and we could not be happier for them. That is what kids grow up to do. But I want them and you to know something. While I know they would tell you that we gave of our own lives. And I know they realized over and over the value of those dinners and a place to call home when they needed it. But the one thing that they will never realize is the place that they have in Husband’s and my and my family’s heart for doing the one thing that meant the most to us during this crazy, crazy year. They chose to love us – even when they thought that we might be wrong and deluded and crazy. They chose us.

And that, my friends, is true friendship. And for that I will forever be grateful. And to the both of you guys, may God richly reward you with friendships like you have been to us. Friendships, that will lift you up and sustain you through the toughest of times. And friendships that will in turn show you the heart of the Father towards us, his kids.

Silence Is Not Golden - It's My Time To Speak

UPDATE:

To all....I did call my (former) wonderful friend on Wednesday. She assured me that to be in contact with me would just cause her to look at issues that she just can't afford to look at right now. It was heartbreaking to hear the fear in her voice. We won't have any contact from this point out but I got to tell her that I loved her and when she did have the freedom to look at the issues, she was always welcome at my door. (even if she did not want to talk about anything church related) I was eleated to get to talk to her and really end it for the time being. My only hope is that they are now in the position that Husband and I had left in leadership. NO ONE HAS EVER LASTED IN LEADERSHIP THERE!!! So it is just a matter of time before I get to have a real relationship with her again. And I assured her that I would never be angry enough at her to not be her friend in the future. I was so excited to address the elephant in the relationship that I danced around the house the rest of the day. Truth truly is freeing! And I love elephants!

I will no longer be silent!

I feel this today as clearly as I felt that we were to leave our CLB.

For the past year (except for a letter to two friends the first week we left) we have not initiated any relationships other than the ones who sought us out and those whom had already left the church.. We have worked hard sometimes to keep those – especially in the beginning – but we have not gone to our former friends to see if they wanted to have any sort of relationship with us.

But somewhere in the past few weeks I have decided something. I’M NOT WRONG!!

Now, I may not be entirely right. In fact I can say quite emphatically that I am certain that I am not entirely right on how I see facts from our past or our present situation. Really, that does not bother me anymore. I don’t have to be completely right. What a freedom that is!!

Husband has always said that when I finally decide that I have done nothing wrong, I will be dangerous. He was right because what has kept me quiet all this time is that I felt that somehow, I was missing something. Somehow, I was reading the situation at our CLB wrong. Somehow, I would find out that really they were not as deceived as I thought they were. Somehow, I deserved to have relationships cut off. Somehow, I had done something really wrong. Somehow, what I had done necessitated my not being able to have relationships with these people.

I felt like I needed to just disappear from their lives so that they could go on unhindered in the church life that they have. If I saw them, I needed to just tell them that I loved them and “be nice to them.” I felt that I should not be the one to address the proverbial elephant that was standing in the corner of our conversation.

Then Daughter taught me a lesson the other day. She ran into some of our leaders unexpectedly. They waved and smiled. She approached them and without a lot of anger told them that it was not appropriate with what they have done to simply smile and wave at her. She stood her ground. She pointed out the elephant between them and her. She told them that she was not going to play the games and then turned and left.

Know what? In addressing the real issue that is between her and them, she felt free for the first time since she left. Fear rolled off her. She is a new person today. She is no longer slinking around. She is no longer afraid. She found freedom! I was so proud of her. To our knowledge, no one has had the guts to do what she did.

If people are willing to talk, we are ready to talk. I re-read every blog that I have posted. I would love to sit down with ANYONE and discuss the things that I have written. I’m not ashamed of my journey since last March. In fact I think I have something to say!

I am not wrong. There are problems with my CLB. For instance, I can show you multiple sites that have lists of what makes a church a cult and my former ‘church’ fits all but one or two of each list! There is a problem there. I did not make up the lists. Nor did they visit our group and then make up the list. The lists FIT!! This is not my problem! We did not know this when we left. We just knew that the leadership was way too interested in their own position of Apostles and Prophets and in ranking themselves above all the rest of us.

I have learned enough now though to quit doubting my own sanity. I have learned why we are shunned. I have learned more about the whole movement of the New Apostolic Reformation. I have learned what about it I agree with and what about it I abhor. And, I have decided not to be quiet and play along with the whole thing when I have the chance.

Now, let me say this to alleviate the minds of all those who think I’m going to go off half cocked. I’m going to try and not be foolish about this. I am not going to go and intentionally stir up trouble. Wayne and Brad on their last podcast said something to this effect, “Don’t go and start a war in someone’s heart before it is Father’s time.” Therefore, I am not going to go and write to everyone who is there. There will be no mass emails, phone calls or visits. But to those that I just ‘happen’ to run into, I just may address the elephant in the room.

Maybe not, we’ll see.

I will not slink around them though as if I have done something wrong any more though. I will not play the game any longer as if I deserve to be shunned. If someone is uncomfortable talking to me I am apt to ask them why all the discomfort. If they ignore me, I am apt to ask why they do that. If they pretend that everything is just fine, I may ask why they are pretending with me when I know they have huge problems with me.

And, I am going to call two close former friends and ask them if they want me to leave them alone or if there is a way to have a friendship in the midst of all of this. At least I will know and not be left to my assumptions. Knowing is always better for me.

Will let you know how it goes.

To All The Friends I've Loved Before

I’ve noticed that I’ve been able to look at Friendships in my CLB in an entirely different way this week.

I received an email from a woman who had just left her church. In the email she said this, “I've pretty much lost about 85% of my friendships at my CLB but I'm beginning to accept that.”

In responding back to her I was pondering my words. I’ve been there. Actually, I lost a higher percentage, so I felt that I might know how she might be feeling. I wanted to help her feel better. I wanted her not to be shut in with grief over this loss.

So I was tempted to write some of the following: Things such as....You will find out in the next few months who really was your friend…..Don’t worry about those that are not talking to you…..They weren’t your friends in the first place……..

Have you heard any of those or have you spoken them to yourself?

You know what???? Those statements, while they may be true are not necessarily true. I agree that statements such as these were true of a very few in my CLB. But it is not true of all or even most of my relationships there. I believe that the beliefs of the CLB has blinded their eyes to the truth of my friendship with them. They feel that they are not allowed to be my friend or that they will loose too much to be my friend. (Remember, in my CLB you loose your destiny and your covering if you disagree too much with the Apostle. This is a very scary thing to be threatened with.) They are just as blind as I was before I started recognizing that this was not a good place to be.

It may seem to make it easier if you tell yourself that they were never your friend in the first place. But I’m coming to realize that it really does not make it easier. Here’s why. If you believe they were never actually your friends then why would you grieve for them? You feel stupid to be sad for something that was a lie. You feel doubly duped that you believed in all of the CLB’s crap AND you didn’t even know that what friendship was.

I’m sorry but that is just not true! I had friends, and I know what friendship is! Therefore, it is ok for me to grieve the loss of these friends. It is ok for me to keep an open door if they ever decided to walk back into my life. I know what friendship is….It is a linking of hearts. (It is rare when only one person feels they are in a friendship and the other person does not.) I am choosing to believe that I am not that dysfunctional.

So to own up that those people who no longer associate with me truly were friends allows me to grieve but grieve without feeling stupid. It allows me to love them now and not get angry at them (for allegedly never really being my friend). It strengthens my own self confidence that I can have friendships and that I am not crazy in thinking that so many of these women and men were truly my friends. It gives me hope that I can make new friends in the future and that I am not a failure at judging true friendship. And, it allows me hope that they might come back into friendship with me. (If they never really were my friends than there is no hope of having anything in the future).

It is funny. To believe the above paragraph brings all sorts of negative emotions. Grief, over the loss. Anger, over the blindness that our CLB perpetuates. Frustration, that they can’t also see the truth or that I can’t do anything about it. Hurt, that they see in small ways what they are doing and yet still can’t see the bigger picture.

But it brings out some very positive emotions. Hope – for one – that there will be friendships renewed at a later time. Love – That in the midst of their blindness I still can continue to love them and be willing to be their friends. Self confidence – I had lots of friends before this and I am a good judge of friends. I will have and build more friendships in the future. And Relief – that it is not me that is dysfunctional and crazy.

So, to my friend who wrote me about loosing her friends and to others out there who have walked this same path, I say to you…..Grieve, Hurt, get Angry and Frustrated but don’t top all that off with the lie that you are also crazy and these people were never your friends in the first place. Come to terms with those that truly were not your friends and who only used you for their own ends but then embrace the friendships that you really did have and base your feelings on the truth.

And……To all the friends I’ve loved before…. I say to them this:

Julie,Mark,Kim,Terry,Christina,Mike,Jim,Jess,Josh,Frannie,Paulette,Bill,Ali,Tim,Patti,Adam,
Christine,Nate,Sarah,Ben,Avie,Lance,Tori,Moe,Suz,Julie,Will,Rick,Dana,JoJo,Paul,Dave,Heather,
Mike,

I love you all. My door is not locked from the inside. It is wide open and ready to welcome you at any time. You were my friends. You will remain my friends until you tell me that you no longer wish to be on that list. Even then, I will love you.