Another Resource - The Heresy of Mind Control (and a dare!)

Sometimes it is just easier to hear the truth from a totally unbiased source. It can be very hard to listen to people's stories and not wonder if their memory is truly good, if they are exaggerating the truth in any way or if they might be outright lying. I understand this.

One of the most helpful things for me in this whole process was to read from those who were not talking about my particular group or even denomination. It was in looking at what they were saying and seeing the stark reality of how closely our group paralleled an abusive environment that I was able to understand that what we were doing was harmful.

I found another resource this week that again will cause you to re-evaluate all that we did and participated in while at this Church.

Stephen Martin, a counselor from Wellspring in Ohio (a group that helps people coming out of controlling groups and/or cults) has written a clear, concise book about how mind control works in a group.

He says in the introduction, "Suppose you move to a different area, and are keeping your eyes open for a good group to belong to (a social club, a church, a synagogue, or service organization). You visit one such group where the people are very friendly, loving, and give you individual attention. The group has a variety of programs: a rehabilitation program for drug addicts, services and nursing homes for the elderly, help for the poor, and free clinics. The leader inspires the disillusioned, the disenchanted, and those who have been rejected elsewhere. He is well-known and respected in the area, and the mayor gave him a position as Director of the City Housing Authority. Would you join this group?" - You just joined Jim Jone's group! He goes on to explain his book this way, "Are there any warning signs that a group and its leader are dangerous? That’s largely what this book is about. "

Now I'm NOT saying that this Church will start passing out the Kool-aid next Sunday. I am saying that if you will read this it will become clear to you why the abuse keeps happening and why story after story continues to churn out of this group of people's lives being destroyed and their faith shaken.

It is NOT WRONG to read and consider an opposing viewpoint. If you went to a dealership and wanted to buy a particular model of car and the salesman, after explaining all the wonderful features of the car urged you to NOT go and read Consumer Report's review on this car nor hear anyone's concerns on the web about this car, you would be the FIRST to go and look that up. Information, even from those who are in disagreement, is not "Poison" to read. If you cannot look at the opposing viewpoint and refute it within your own heart and mind then you truly are not "free" as you claim.

The free download of this book can be found here: http://recognizeheresy.com/default.aspx

For those leaders at this Church that read here I simply dare you to read this and have a discussion with me.

It is Done....Again

A friend and I were talking the other day. The conversation drifted to the church she was attending. She loves her church. She was telling me how much she loved the people, loved them being around her, her husband and her kids and how much she trusted the leadership there, what a good heart they had and so on.

I found myself being inwardly very cynical. The conversation in my head was something on the order of, "Yeah, right. That is what I thought all those years. You had better not put your trust in anyone there. It is only a matter of time till you really find out what they are like."

I guess it showed on my face. Sometimes it is hard for me not to let you know how I'm feeling if you are sitting across the table from me.

So we talked about it. I told her that I felt like a woman whose husband had cheated on her and left her. Now I don't trust any man. I know the hurt they are capable of. I've been through the divorce. I can't imagine trusting again.

We started talking about trying to visit other church bodies. She understood how it would be hard but maybe if I tried now, in two years I may have a different perspective.

I laughed and told her I felt like the wife again who's friends are trying to get her out there to date a little.

And then it hit me. I don't want to "date" around. What I truly wanted and I think was waiting for is for my own "husband" to come back to me. I did not want another church body. I wanted my old church body. I did not want to really make new friends as much as I wanted my old friends back.

But here was the hard part. She said to me, "Barb, even if they re-established a relationship with you...even if you could go back...it could never be the same because of these last two years. For two years they have not talked to you. For two years they have acted as if they did not care. For two years they have not answered your emails."

And, she reminded me, "in the two years you have been gone, you have become a different person."


I feel stupid verbalizing that I was waiting to have it all go back to the same way it once was. All I needed to do was to read my own blog over the past two years to see the ways I have changed and the mindsets that I no longer have. I could not go back to them. They probably won't come to where I am. It truly is done. The relationship is dead.

Relationship with the individuals will always be an open door if they want to walk through it, but the "thing" I had with them for so many years is passed. Done.

Again, I feel stupid for not realizing that this was what I was thinking all along. It seems like such a "duh" kind of thing. But it is better to realize it now I guess than later or never.

After letting that set a few days I realized that my heart somehow turned to the future in ways it had never done before. I realized that I was no longer waiting for the old things to come back. It was just us...here....now. It was suddenly what lies ahead. It was like a ship that had been loosed from its dock.

I wonder where we will go, what we will see, who we will be with in the next few years. And that is a new thought to me today.

The Scent of a Profit

For your early Christmas shopping I want to alert you to the wonders in the catalogue of the NAR. (New Apostolic Reformation) Fresh from the latest Letter to his Intercessors, Chuck Pierce has these for your purchase at the bottom of the page.

The text beside the pictures ARE NOT MADE UP!!!






"The Joy of Covenant" Candle & Anointing Oil


With God forming a new covenant we have made this new anointing oil. Filled with the fragrance of roses and lilies, this oil can be used as you pray for restored covenant or form new covenant. Then we also have a beautiful candle for $12 that goes with this oil. Or you can purchase BOTH for $20.


My Note: I was thinking of what scent would represent those of us accused of 'breaking covenant." Any thoughts out there?

And for those of you who actually believe that covenant was nailed down at the cross, maybe the Joy of Covenant candle and roll on oil is not your cup of tea. But wait....we have more:

Harvest Anointing Oil and Candle (Set)

The Harvest Candle and Anointing Oil represent the mindset that God is developing at this time in His people. We must move into a mindset of multiplication and harvest. Anoint your home, business, church, and friends with this anointing. Trim your wick and get ready for a visitation and increase!


I giggled every time I read that we are to anoint your home, business, church and friends with the Harvest oil. I can just imagine the drive by anointings that will happen to friends. Way too funny.

Do you have any oils or candles that you would like to add to the list? Like the roll on Control Oil...You smell it and never question again. Or the Chair O Authority Candle....the scent hits you like a brick. Or the Shunning Oil....you can roll it on or just spit it at people.

Seriously though, "Trim your wick and get ready for a visitation and increase?" You have got to be kidding me. We have actually begun to sell God here folks. Or what is this about "God forming a new covenant." I thought the old one was the last one. What new covenant are they talking about.

PEOPLE!!......Please stop this. You may be able to make a case that you are hearing God, although the "word" in the letter seems to me to be the same rehash of worn out phrases and empty, vague promises. But this. This is witchcraft...pure and simple. With a scent that cannot be pleasing to the Father.

The Cell Phone Purge

My daughter decided to call a very dear friend still in our CLB today. (it actually went very well - thanks)

The only problem was that we no longer had her phone number.

See, we had gone through what I am sure is a oft repeated procedure after leaving a painful church situation. The procedure????

The Cell Phone Purge

The “Purge” is simply the act that you take when you finally go through and delete almost all the names from your caller list. You do this for several reasons.

You Purge it because it is so depressing:

The biggest reason to purge is that you decide that you are tired of having your phone full of people who would rather not talk to you. Each time you scroll through the names to get to the two people that you still call, you end up so depressed that you don’t’ even call that one friend that you picked up the phone for. Cell phones are not happy cell phones when filled to overflowing with tears. Or toilet water.

You Purge it because the phone becomes abusive:

It is the cell phone that screams out to you, “YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS LEFT!” “JUST LOOK AT THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT YOU TO CALL THEM!“ Cell phones can be very abusive when they are filled with X-friends. I don’t blame the phone itself as it is probably wondering why it exists except for your circle of 5 that now contain only your Best Friend, your husband and your kids. Thank God for the Best Friend!

You Purge it because it is no longer a Ministry Expense:

Now it is the cell phone that you can’t any longer deduct from your taxes as a ministry expense. Now it is just an expense. (No......we never did this - some pastors would though I expect.)

You Purge it because you don’t want to push the wrong button:

Say, you have the pastor and his wife with the last name that is spelled so that it falls next to one of your daughters and you don’t’ want to dial it by mistake. (How awkward would that conversation be? “Um, Hi _________, So….I heard…you..um….bumped into….um…my daughter….the…other day. How was that for you? Soooooo….Ok, bye then.”)

You purge it so that you can make room for all the new friends that you will soon have:

Riiiiigggghhhhhhttttttt. Keep dreaming.

So you go through the purge. Followed closely by a really good cry. Just put the phone down first.

But take heart, one day you may get to add a name back in. Keep a record. You just might need those phone numbers.

It was really fun. The Cell Phone seemed happy too.

Drifting

Isn't this how you feel somedays?



The tags I added to this post say it all. Doubts, Faith, Fear, Father's love, Shunning, Trust, Depression. They are all with me in my little tub.



I've always seen the ocean as the vastness of God and his love for me. So actually this is a peaceful picture to me. Lonely but peaceful.

(comic by xkcd)

Friendship - Through Thick and Thin

The leaving of our old “church” left us bereft of friends. People who had lived with us, others who had known us for 20 or more years, no longer called, wrote or visited. Our house – once lively and full of friends day after day, was now mostly quiet.

Best Friend still was the same – as was the rest of her family. (They eventually left also) A few would go out for coffee if we asked - but most just acted as if we no longer existed.

The purpose of this post though is to tell you about the one couple that toughed it out. They were really good friends. We had been there from the conception of their relationship, the wife had lived with us for a few months, we had been at their wedding and we were in the midst of witnessing their first pregnancy. They ate dinner with us at least twice a week. We were very close. So when everything hit the fan it was very hard for them. They thought we had lost our minds. After all, it had been us to whom they had come with questions when things did not make sense. We had been the ones that talked them into staying a few times. We were the ones that told them that we didn’t want them to miss out on their destiny or leave the covering. Now we were the ones leaving, and with virtually no explanation.
One thing you need to remember. Seldom was there one in our group who spoke aloud their questions or voiced their problems to anyone else. And never had there been a leader who had. Not one. Even as we went through the process of leaving, Best Friend did not know. A girl that was living with us had no idea that something was up, and this couple, the closest people to us at the time had no clue that we were having a hard time or on the verge of leaving.

So when we had the final meeting with the Apostle and the Prophet of the church, and the leaders subsequently “explained” everything to the church that very night, our friends were virtually blindsided. We had tried to prepare them a few days before but again, we did not want to speak badly of the leadership or the problems we were having, so we were purposefully vague.

They came over that night, after the members had met and heard the “explanation” from our leaders. They cried. They were so mad at us. “How could you of all people leave,” they raged at us. We tried to explain it a bit without saying anything, my tongue tied by the teaching of “Not Touching the Lord’s Anointed.” By the time they left that night we thought we had lost their friendship.

But you know what? They waited a few days and then came over to tell us that they loved us and that they did not know what in the world was up but that we were “family” and they were not going to cut us off. They stayed.

It was hard at first. It was so awkward. Without the “Church” we had no common topics of conversation. If “church” did come up, we were so angry that it became impossible for us to really talk to them. They were not in a place yet of hearing us. So we kept the conversations ‘”safe.” It was still hard. All their friends were in the old church. The people that we had taught them to trust were still there. Nothing had changed except for our seeming disobedience of “walking out of covenant.” But they were determined to still love us and so they continued to come over.

Can I tell you what that did for me? It saved my life. It made me believe that true covenant, true friendship, was actually possible. That it was possible to actually work through something awkward and really, really hard with someone outside of your own family. (by the way, Best Friend actually falls into this category too but our friendship had been tested through the years by so much other stuff that this event actually did not strain it much)

As the months rolled on we became more open with our story. I think we also became less angry and more apt to talk about the whole situation where someone could listen to it and not be offended. They listened, they helped us process, they continued to love us. These “kids” (the age of our own older children) actually gave correction and asked some very hard questions.

This couple moved away this weekend. They are off to start another chapter in their lives and we could not be happier for them. That is what kids grow up to do. But I want them and you to know something. While I know they would tell you that we gave of our own lives. And I know they realized over and over the value of those dinners and a place to call home when they needed it. But the one thing that they will never realize is the place that they have in Husband’s and my and my family’s heart for doing the one thing that meant the most to us during this crazy, crazy year. They chose to love us – even when they thought that we might be wrong and deluded and crazy. They chose us.

And that, my friends, is true friendship. And for that I will forever be grateful. And to the both of you guys, may God richly reward you with friendships like you have been to us. Friendships, that will lift you up and sustain you through the toughest of times. And friendships that will in turn show you the heart of the Father towards us, his kids.

Silence Is Not Golden - It's My Time To Speak

UPDATE:

To all....I did call my (former) wonderful friend on Wednesday. She assured me that to be in contact with me would just cause her to look at issues that she just can't afford to look at right now. It was heartbreaking to hear the fear in her voice. We won't have any contact from this point out but I got to tell her that I loved her and when she did have the freedom to look at the issues, she was always welcome at my door. (even if she did not want to talk about anything church related) I was eleated to get to talk to her and really end it for the time being. My only hope is that they are now in the position that Husband and I had left in leadership. NO ONE HAS EVER LASTED IN LEADERSHIP THERE!!! So it is just a matter of time before I get to have a real relationship with her again. And I assured her that I would never be angry enough at her to not be her friend in the future. I was so excited to address the elephant in the relationship that I danced around the house the rest of the day. Truth truly is freeing! And I love elephants!

I will no longer be silent!

I feel this today as clearly as I felt that we were to leave our CLB.

For the past year (except for a letter to two friends the first week we left) we have not initiated any relationships other than the ones who sought us out and those whom had already left the church.. We have worked hard sometimes to keep those – especially in the beginning – but we have not gone to our former friends to see if they wanted to have any sort of relationship with us.

But somewhere in the past few weeks I have decided something. I’M NOT WRONG!!

Now, I may not be entirely right. In fact I can say quite emphatically that I am certain that I am not entirely right on how I see facts from our past or our present situation. Really, that does not bother me anymore. I don’t have to be completely right. What a freedom that is!!

Husband has always said that when I finally decide that I have done nothing wrong, I will be dangerous. He was right because what has kept me quiet all this time is that I felt that somehow, I was missing something. Somehow, I was reading the situation at our CLB wrong. Somehow, I would find out that really they were not as deceived as I thought they were. Somehow, I deserved to have relationships cut off. Somehow, I had done something really wrong. Somehow, what I had done necessitated my not being able to have relationships with these people.

I felt like I needed to just disappear from their lives so that they could go on unhindered in the church life that they have. If I saw them, I needed to just tell them that I loved them and “be nice to them.” I felt that I should not be the one to address the proverbial elephant that was standing in the corner of our conversation.

Then Daughter taught me a lesson the other day. She ran into some of our leaders unexpectedly. They waved and smiled. She approached them and without a lot of anger told them that it was not appropriate with what they have done to simply smile and wave at her. She stood her ground. She pointed out the elephant between them and her. She told them that she was not going to play the games and then turned and left.

Know what? In addressing the real issue that is between her and them, she felt free for the first time since she left. Fear rolled off her. She is a new person today. She is no longer slinking around. She is no longer afraid. She found freedom! I was so proud of her. To our knowledge, no one has had the guts to do what she did.

If people are willing to talk, we are ready to talk. I re-read every blog that I have posted. I would love to sit down with ANYONE and discuss the things that I have written. I’m not ashamed of my journey since last March. In fact I think I have something to say!

I am not wrong. There are problems with my CLB. For instance, I can show you multiple sites that have lists of what makes a church a cult and my former ‘church’ fits all but one or two of each list! There is a problem there. I did not make up the lists. Nor did they visit our group and then make up the list. The lists FIT!! This is not my problem! We did not know this when we left. We just knew that the leadership was way too interested in their own position of Apostles and Prophets and in ranking themselves above all the rest of us.

I have learned enough now though to quit doubting my own sanity. I have learned why we are shunned. I have learned more about the whole movement of the New Apostolic Reformation. I have learned what about it I agree with and what about it I abhor. And, I have decided not to be quiet and play along with the whole thing when I have the chance.

Now, let me say this to alleviate the minds of all those who think I’m going to go off half cocked. I’m going to try and not be foolish about this. I am not going to go and intentionally stir up trouble. Wayne and Brad on their last podcast said something to this effect, “Don’t go and start a war in someone’s heart before it is Father’s time.” Therefore, I am not going to go and write to everyone who is there. There will be no mass emails, phone calls or visits. But to those that I just ‘happen’ to run into, I just may address the elephant in the room.

Maybe not, we’ll see.

I will not slink around them though as if I have done something wrong any more though. I will not play the game any longer as if I deserve to be shunned. If someone is uncomfortable talking to me I am apt to ask them why all the discomfort. If they ignore me, I am apt to ask why they do that. If they pretend that everything is just fine, I may ask why they are pretending with me when I know they have huge problems with me.

And, I am going to call two close former friends and ask them if they want me to leave them alone or if there is a way to have a friendship in the midst of all of this. At least I will know and not be left to my assumptions. Knowing is always better for me.

Will let you know how it goes.

Leaving and The Truman Show

8 months out of leaving our former church and I am still learning some things. I was talking to my daughter the past few days. It has been a hard few weeks for her. For one, she ran into a whole group of teens and youth that still attend our old church. The sight of them and their subsequent shunning of her was so hard to take. It brought up all the old hurts in a way that I was shocked at how much she was still angry and unhealed. As we talked I realized that my leaving and her leaving were two different things entirely.

My leaving was much like watching the movie, The Truman Show starring Jim Carrey. In fact I was fascinated to see how the plot of the movie detailed my life in our church Some highlights:
The director tried to appear benevolent but it was all for the money and his
prestige.
Those who dared go against the master plan of the director were quickly removed.
The whole plot depended on everyone playing their part.
Those who actually made the show happen had to pack away their conscience.
When Truman started to question his surroundings the usual tactic was used to
convince him that he was the crazy one.

And that was my church life. Like Truman, the first thing that I finally saw as unreal (for Truman it was the spotlight that landed in the street – for me the questioning of the use of titles) started me to question all the other things. It was because of my questions and the ensuing answers that did not match up to what Jesus taught, that I left.

But for my daughter it was not that at all. For her, she left because of the hurt and pain that she was made to feel from the people there. In fact she actually left a year before the rest of us did.

But because of this, I don’t know how to really help her. For me, I am just able to realize that I and everyone else were deceived and therefore I have changed my mind. This gets easier and easier the further away from May that I get. This does not work with her though. She has been wounded. She still bleeds. To see someone or think of times in the past will throw her back into the hurt of the day it happened. It is as fresh as if it were happening again, all over. The unhealed-ness is heartbreaking to watch and I feel helpless. Of course I know all the lines I would have told her last year at this time…”you just need to forgive, just trust God to work it all out, try to pray more, just have faith.” Fortunately, I know how wrong those would be to use on her right now.

Best Friend says it just takes more time and someone to talk to. I believe that and am more than willing to wait but do any of you have any more advice for us? Is there anything I can do with her or for her? She trusts me. Our relationship is really good which is amazing since I in so many ways encouraged her to just take the abuse and not say anything because these people were our leaders.

The best line by Truman’s best friend (one of the cast): “Nothing you see on this show is fake…it is merely….”controlled”.” For me, I realized that it was controlling and walked out. For my daughter, she was one of the ones who was controlled and thus hurt.
What do you think?

And This Is My Hope

And this is my hope:

Party! by Emerging Grace

But They Didn't Call.....

Didn’t they realize that even though we disagree on church things I still love them and their family?

But they didn’t call.

Maybe their invitation got lost in the mail. Wouldn’t they call then to see why we did not RSVP?

But they didn’t call.

Don’t they realize that even though we disagreed sharply and are not now in the same church, nothing would have stopped us from joyfully attending their daughter’s wedding?

But they didn’t call.

Do they not remember the times I stood up for their daughter? I was the one who encouraged her when everyone else wanted to give up on her. Don’t they remember how I loved her and believed in her?

But they didn’t call.

Do they understand that I spent the week before her day crying that I was going to miss her wedding?

But they didn’t call.

Do they understand that somehow I thought that even at the very last minute they would call and say, “What in the world are we thinking…Of course we want you here…Please come.”?

But they didn’t call.

Don’t they remember that we were family? Family can disagree on the huge, important things and yet come together on the real things, right?

But they didn’t call.

Do they understand that I spent the time that the service was going on silent, thinking and praying that God would be there in all of his love and fullness?

But they didn’t call.

Do they think that just because we left, we don’t love them or care deeply for them?

But they didn’t call

Don’t they know that despite our differences we still rejoice at every good and perfect gift that comes to them from the Father?

But they didn’t call.

I don’t write this to garner your sympathy. Father’s love and abiding presence is the only balm for such things. I also do not write this to garner any support for “my side.” There is no “my side” nor do I want you on it.

I write this for the same reason that I blog at all. I write so that when you experience hurt that decisions like this bring, you will feel that someone else has maybe felt it too and that they said that God would be there in the midst of their tears and heartache (and at moments…anger).

He was.

He called….He came….He cried with me….He never left…He understood.

He even understands why they didn’t call.

And He loves.

Endings

Today I closed down my personal Blog.

It was a blog that I had first opened when in my CLB. Many women and surprisingly a few of the guys were regular readers as I explored what it meant to live in Jesus. It was like personal devotional of what I was learning each day. When we left our church a few months ago my posts got fewer and farther between. I just could not write about all that I was learning because to do so would maybe disrupt husbands and wives from walking in unity with each other. My beliefs are so different now that I could not "teach" these new things to those who would not even come to speak to me.

So I ended it. It feels as if a part of me has died today. My only hope is that God will one day restore the relationships that once were.

Here is what I posted about two weeks ago to close the site.

This will be my last post on this blogpage – __________. I will keep this message up for a few weeks and then close the site down.

I started it while still a leader at (CLB). Unless you just happened to stumble across this small pebble of a blog spot, you knew me at (CLB). About 3 months ago we made our decision to leave the church. Believe me it was not an easy decision. I/we cried for months. We kept asking God for wisdom and the ability to stay. Instead we believe He moved us out. We were called to take a different path than what _____ and _____ believed they were to take.

We had wanted to sit down with each person – those of you who were reading this site -and give a better explanation and affirm that we still loved you with all our hearts and wanted an ongoing relationship with you but after the public meeting that was held we did not feel the freedom to do that.

I feel that in writing on this blog and having you read it – without having a face to face relationship with me- is not right. If you don’t believe you can have a real relationship with me then you should not be reading what I am thinking and feeling and learning.

So I am asking you for a few things. If you wish to follow the journey that God is taking Husband and I on, please at least email me and ask for the new site that I will be blogging on. That is the least amount of contact that I would desire.

If you want a real relationship with me and are wondering why I have not contacted you, please understand that we don’t want to cross any lines of trying to “deceive” you as has been publicly stated or putting you into the place where you are uncomfortable with my contact. Therefore I think I will leave it up to you to contact me. Know this. Those of you who have lived in my house and have been part of my family in various ways, I want your friendship still. I never changed. I only made a decision of who I was to follow. In that I did not choose ____ or ____ should not interrupt our friendship. We would still desire a relationship with them and their family.

Also realize that if we are truly being shunned in any way by you and your family, this is behavior befitting a cult – Not truly grace filled, brotherly love kind of behavior. I ask you to think hard about this.

I realize that you may have somehow come to believe that we did not want to have contact with you. That is not true and is easily confirmed anytime you wish to visit with us. At least come to yell at us. Something. Anything. This is ridiculous. We have not sinned to the point of someone refusing to fellowship with us. Check your Bible. If you are hurt, please talk to us. We never meant this to hurt you. We fully expected to be able to sit down and talk this through like adults.

Just know this – We will always welcome you into our hearts, arms and home. If it is a day, a week, a month or even years. Goodbye from ___________. I hope to talk to you soon.

Another nail in the coffin, Huh?

Drive By Random Doubting

For the past few days, actually a couple of weeks, I have been having “second thoughts” that on occasion blast through my mind and try to shake my peace. Like "drive by doubting." They drive by, blast their ideas into my mind and leave me with holes to mend. Those in our old church (CLB) would point their finger and say, “See, we told you they would start to come to their senses.” I don’t believe that though. I realize that doubts are not a bad thing. It is only harmful if you suppress those doubts and pretend like they don’t exist. I was an expert in this field just a mere 4 months ago.

I wanted to start and maintain this blog for one reason. I wanted to have another story out there where someone could happen upon it and realize that they were not alone – that someone else was going through something similar. This helped me so much in the first few months of leaving our CLB. The ones who went before me were so honest. Their honesty helped me – even when they posted about their doubts. So today is about doubting our decision. I hope it helps someone else know that it is part of this process…at least for me.

I don’t want anyone to think that once we made our decision, there were no other doubts or thoughts or emotions that wanted to call into question our decision. The truth, at least for me, is far from that. There are times when I wonder, “What in the heck did we just do?” “Are we crazy?”

Listed below are some of the thoughts I have encountered in the past few weeks in a messy and random stream as thoughts often are.

What did we just do to our lives?

I want everything to just go back to the way it was. I want lots and lots of friends. I want to feel useful. I want to be busy. I want to feel as if I belong.

How am I going to make any friends at all outside of going to a service at least once a week to meet people?

I am not helping anyone “build the Kingdom of God.” I am not doing anything significant.

Are my kids going to be ok? How will they have friends that are good for them?

I feel like I am just treading water. What should we do now?

Who are we going to invite to my daughters wedding next year? What once was to be a huge gathering of friends is whittled down to a few. They have known her all her life. We were to share these things.

I hate to call people on the phone. How am I ever going to connect with people without that one or two services a week?

It is coming up on 3 months and there are women I would love to talk to. Should I call them? Should I ask their permission to call them? What if they won’t talk to me or their husbands won’t let them talk to me?

Should we start to do something more “formal” for our family on Sundays? Sometimes I hate the “non-structure” of this whole time.

Should we visit other churches?

Why isn’t God saying something? Why isn’t He instantly filling our hands with stuff to do? Don’t we need to be ministering? Building?

Can you hear the panic start to rise?

Of course it only takes a few minutes before reasoning sets in.

I know I can’t go back. I don’t really want to. I know that in all those years of “building the Kingdom” what was really happening on my part was not really that. I know I could never fit in again. I can’t even listen to Christian radio without cringing sometimes. I can’t go back and not question. I can’t be one of the followers who doesn’t make waves. I know I am in a process of the Father. I know I need to wait right now. I really am ok.

But today, I wanted you to see that you were not alone in your doubts. I’m sure you will feel this way too sometimes. If you don’t – good for you. It must be nice to be you where truth triumphs over feelings.

I’m not that way - at least not yet.

In closing, can I share with you something that I read this morning? It is from Inward/Outward. It brings truth, which for the moment, brings peace and helps to heal up the holes.

Trust in the Slow Work of God
By Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are, quite naturally,

impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the wayto something unknown, something new,

and yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability - and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually - let them grow,

let them shape themselves,

without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on,

as though you could be today

what time (that is to say, grace and

circumstances acting on your own good will)

will make them tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of

feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

Midwives and Shepherds

1 Corinthians 4:1,2
Don’t imagine us leaders to be something we aren’t. We are servants of Christ, not his masters. We are guides into God’s most sublime secrets, not security guards posted to protect them.

This was what I read this morning in the Message. It reminded me of two conversations I had recently on leadership. One was not so much a conversation except that it is ongoing and I am continuing to read one blogger, Nakedpastor, with interest. He wrote a post the other day on being a shepherd. You can read it here. Made me stop and think, and at least, want to have a two way conversation with him. I would love to see what a church, run by a true shepherding approach, looks like over many years.

Anyway, he speaks of a very hands-off approach for taking care of his people. Not intervening much in what God is doing in their lives - mostly only there for simple things. Not making it all about him and his leadership but about them and their lives in Jesus, in community.

This brings me to my second conversation – a real one this time – with Best Friend. We were talking about a friend of ours who, when he was in our church, had a mental breakdown. It really shook his faith. We, in the church at that time, all had a plan of how to help him. It was a confusing time for all, I’m sure. I know the pastors really tried to do everything that they could. It seemed that this guy just could not pull it together or find a way to follow them out of his confusion. He got some medical help and stabilized but soon after left our church feeling like he had failed – failed God – failed leadership. Anyway, Best Friend still kept up the relationship with him and his family. (She never got the shunning memo.) They were just over to her house the other day and she told them that she wished they had been to my house for the 4th. The ability to be together and hang out without judgment was just what she thought he needed - no one trying to fix him and for him to have the opportunity to just be with us the way he was. To have people who would just be there with him and love him while he “labors” with his questions.

It was then, that the conversation switched to brilliance.

She started comparing her role as a midwife to that of a traditional doctor in a hospital. We, of course started seeing the parallels of midwife to shepherd and traditional doctor to that of our traditional pastors.

Some of her points about midwives and doctors were:

Midwife: Has a woman in labor about to have a baby
Dr.: Has a “patient” in labor about to have a baby

Midwife: Comes into your home. Makes herself at home in your place
Dr.: You check into his establishment. You have to conform to his place.

Midwife: Sees the birthing process as an incredibly naturally process – thus no need for invasive monitoring.
Dr.: Sees the birthing process as somewhat natural but also something to be carefully monitored for bad outcomes

Midwife: Comes alongside the birthing mother as a servant. One to help. Not one to direct.
Dr.: Immediately upon arrival at the institution, he starts to tell you what is needed. He is there to direct you and the whole birthing process.

Midwife: Tries as much as possible not to intervene. Only intervenes if there is true danger to the woman or baby.
Dr.: Intervenes as soon as you arrive - with monitors, IV’s, blood tests, etc.

Midwife: Allows the woman to find her own pace. BF said that once labor starts to really kick in, that is the time you really try to not intervene. If you just sit back and let the woman have her space, each woman will find her own rhythm. Each woman will be different. Some just lay quietly and breathe, some will walk the floor and keep their hands busy, some will try to distract themselves, others will internalize and deal with the pain that way. The key to what she was saying though is that each woman, if left alone, always finds her own rhythm that will get her through the hardest part.
Dr.: The ability for the patient to find her own pace is sometimes non-existent in an institutionalized hospital. There is so much intervention going on that the woman often cannot deal with the pain of labor and thus needs to resort to even more intervention.

Midwife: Assumes you will be fine and have a healthy baby – all on your own.Dr.: Assumes that he needs to protect you so that you will be ok and have a healthy baby.

Now, I have been told that statistically, midwives have far fewer complicated births than in the hospital. (Not the screwed up statistics that don’t allow for the fact that midwives, if they suspect a problem will send their patients to a hospital but just the normal births that happen in both places). BF wondered if some of the problems in an institution were caused by the institution that was there trying to prevent them. How many problems are caused by their intervention? I have asked myself the same question about institutional churches. Do we help to cause the problems that people have?

(Now before you start writing and assuming that I need to give doctors a break – please stop. I have had both. There were times that I needed a medical, traditional doctor desperately. They have saved my life and one of my children’s lives. I value them. So don’t go there. I’m not being unbalanced. They have their place.)

But do you see the parallels of the Doctor/traditional pastor and a Shepherd/Midwife?

Shepherd: Understands that this Christian life we are to live is a natural thing
Trad Pastor: Understands that this Christian life is fraught with pitfalls that he is to protect you from and needs to be constantly monitored for bad outcomes

Shepherd: Is there to come alongside you and walk with you through your journey. A servant – one to help – not to direct
Trad Pastor: Starts at the beginning with a plan, direction, and information about what you need to do to avoid every pitfall that “could” be out there. Heavy direction.

Shepherd: Tries his hardest not to intervene. Only intervenes at crucial periods.
Trad Pastor: Intervention is his middle name – if not his first.

Shepherd: Understands that each person in their walk with God will have to find their own rhythm. Does not think that everyone will look the same – especially in the hardest moments. Does not have a cookie cutter plan for discipleship.
Trad Pastor: Does not understand this at all. Has a dictated plan for everyone that usually looks like the plan that he has found to work for himself.

Shepherd: Assumes that you and God will have a great life together. Knows that it is a natural process and that he can relax and let the two of you work out almost everything.
Trad Pastor: Wants you to have a great life with God but assumes that he is the critical element in having that happen. With out them, you will not be able to navigate that life safely.

BF went on: Doctors have never seen a truly natural childbirth. They have no experience or training in it. They only know what they have been taught and what they have experienced. They only know all the bad things that can happen and how to prepare for and guard against them. (They also have a huge job making sure they are not sued).

But the same goes for the Traditional Pastor. He has probably never seen leadership done naturally. He has never had a Shepherd and was not trained to be one. As a doctor cannot imagine why anyone would want a natural childbirth at home with a midwife, a traditional pastor cannot imagine why anyone would want a natural Christian life outside his institution. Both have been trained to see all the bad stuff and how to prevent it. Neither have seen the other side.

So my theory is maybe we need both. Just as there is a time to go into the hospital to have a baby and take advantage of all there is to offer in truly desperate care measures, maybe we need some sort of traditional counseling people when there is truly a crisis in our spiritual lives. My proposal is though, that we should not have these people be shepherds. Let’s have the midwives/shepherds take care of the daily cares of the sheep and have the doctor/counselors be the ones to step in when there is a true crisis. One person could be both but he/she needs to understand that their primary role is that of a midwife/shepherd and not get the two confused.

Forgiveness Recieved

We have met with a few other families that we had shunned when they left to ask their forgiveness. We asked forgiveness for our part in their leaving and our part in not keeping an open friendship with them. They were so gracious to us, to me. Not one of them was prideful. Not one of them thought that their “rightness” was a thing to be proud of. They all loved the people and leaders in the CLB. Had they always walked in this grace and never said anything bitter or spiteful about the church? Probably not. But they were full of grace when we met with them. We fell into a family of believers who really loved us and wanted whatever God wanted for us. No one pressured us to join their thing. Each of them gave us wide berth to find what God had for us. It was truly amazing.

By the way, all of them saw the same problems with the CLB that we had come to see. We had no idea though. We were given various reasons by the leadership of why these people had left. As we met with these families though, the reasons they said they gave for leaving were not the ones we had heard. They were the very same reasons we had left.

Wal-Mart - A Church Without Walls

The very first time after we had left our CLB that I went to Wal-Mart I had an incredible revelation.

As I looked at the people there from my town I realized that if I met anyone that had gone to my church and had left it I could be myself for the first time ever. I did not have to “represent CLB or the leaders” in my greeting to them. I was free to actually represent myself and Jesus directly if I encountered any of them. This was amazing. Before, I had thought that if I ran into anyone who had left us that I needed to at least be reserved because of what they had done to the church. Now I suddenly didn’t care.

I also realized that if I ran into anyone from a different church in our town that I could be genuinely glad for them. I did not have to feel sorry that they went to their church and not to ours. I could see them for the first time as my brothers and sisters in the body. The whole body. Suddenly the Church was very big to me. Without having walls around me, defining what “church” was, I was given a very big gift of the Church. She was something I could embrace for the very first time. I did not care if she were perfect, had the perfect teachings, had perfect worship, had perfect government or had the very best leaders. I could just love her.

The last thing I realized was something that still puzzles me. I looked at people who were probably non-Christians. I somehow felt that I was also one of them. I felt “among them” for the first time. I, also, did not go to a specific church. I, also, was free on Sunday mornings. I was walking among them as one of them. Like I said, I don’t really understand this one at all. The only thing I can think is that without the walls of a “church” around me I was let out into their world and for the first time, I could feel a bit of who they were. I loved this feeling. I wanted to talk to them. I wanted to hear their stories. I wanted to play with their kids. I was not irritated at being kept in line at the checkout. I wanted to be among them.

Also, I did not have to get them to come to my church. I was free just to have a relationship with them that had no motivation to it other than to show them that I loved them and therefore that Jesus wanted a relationship with them too. After a lifetime of “having to share the gospel with someone and get them to come to my church” I was free.

Wow. A Church without walls.

A Former Leader without walls. I like this.

The Person Formerly Known As Your Leader

Bob suggests that, at some point in time, "the system" was working for us; while we may be questioning it now, there was a time when we were getting some kind of perks or rewards from it. Bob suggests that until we, as individuals and groups, honestly deal with the areas of our lives that made us enjoy the system at one point - and repent or receive healing in those areas - we will only replicate the same dysfunctional patterns and attitudes in whatever structured or destructured group we ended up joining or creating. Robert C. Girard

This is a response to what I have read in The People Formerly Known as Series. It is a repentance. I know than many of the other writers have used the Polemic “we” but I can’t do that yet. This is personal, a confession from my heart to all of you.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader.

I was the supporting cast in our church. I was not one of the “Main” leaders. I was never paid to lead. I had “leadership roles.” I (along with my husband) was viewed as one of the supporting pillars in our community of believers. I tried not to be one of the front leaders. I simply took the vision of the church, supported it, taught it, explained it, fought for it and promised loyalty to it. For almost 20 years my husband and I have been in this role and just recently we have come to see many things we never would have thought possible.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader

All this time I worked as your leader. I was at one time or another, your small group leader, your counselor, and your ministry head (nursery, new member development, etc). I helped at various times on the worship team, the prayer team, the nursery, the elder board, the college ministry team, the hospitality team, and I’m sure a host of other teams and positions.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader

Because of all this, I need to repent and ask your forgiveness. I was wrong. I thought wrong things. I believed wrong things. I modeled wrong things. I taught wrong things. I was wrong. I have sinned against you and the others and against my grace loving, mercy giving, all powerful, all loving God.

- I repent for teaching and modeling that the “covering” of our church, my leadership, and our network would keep you from going into rebellion or deception.

- I took your private confidences and passed them on to the other leaders regardless of my telling you that I wouldn’t. I told myself that this was an accepted practice to gain wisdom in dealing with your situation. Now I see it was probably mostly to garner, in some twisted way, the favor of my leaders, to show my loyalty and to gain a better placement of myself in their leadership system.

- I taught, modeled and practiced tithing. I taught you that if you didn’t tithe, bad things would happen to you and/or your finances. Now I understand the fallacy of this. It is a fear tactic – and it is not of God.

- I did not stand up and speak up when I heard and saw something wrong being taught, lived, or modeled. In this way, you, as people who respected me had neither voice nor protection. There were many times I should have spoken up gently/humbly to correct other leaders around me. I wrongly felt that it was up to God to correct and deal with them. That it was not my “place” to correct “God’s Anointed.”

- I wanted to be seen by leaders as loyal and mostly I wanted to be in what I perceived as one of the “inner circles of friendship.” I bought their friendship with flattering words, serving them unconditionally, not making waves, not challenging them and being disloyal to what I sometimes knew was wrong. I was a religious whore.

- I taught you that with leaders, you did not have the right to expect friendship or any sort of loyalty back. I told you that you should become what I had become, completely a servant. They owed you and me nothing. I have learned to watch out for “friendships” where I am the servant only. I have learned my “servanthood” was nothing more than trying to manipulate myself into prominence.

- I taught that the church was an Army and that we therefore needed Generals and Sergeants to lead us. (I of course saw myself as the sergeant – not the head but certainly one of the right arms of the head.) Again, I did not read my Bible.

- I taught you to despise other churches in our city. I taught you that they were not as enlightened as us, did not have as much of the Holy Spirit as us, could not worship as we did, did not recognize the leadership in our church and come under their apostolic leadership, and so many other things. I hinted at their pastors “weaknesses.” I judged their programs, people, leaders and lives as unfit for the true expression of the Kingdom of God and taught you to do the same. It is true that I did see many legitimate problems, and I still do but I had pulled back and decided I was done with the all but the select body of Christ in our area and encouraged you to also “not waste your time.”

- I practiced and taught you “shunning.” This is the practice of not associating with those who have left our body. I taught you to look the other way in the grocery store. To ignore their emails and be succinct and distant when they called you. I taught you that you could be contaminated by a perceived friendship with them, and instilled in you the fear that was in me, that I would be seen as disloyal.

- I taught you that when people left our body, they left their destiny. I thought that the only way they were to fulfill what God had for them was through our particular church.

- I encouraged you in total obedience to our leaders and total submission of ministry to their vision. I often referred to the church as being in the leaders’ “boat.” We were to totally get in this “boat” and leave it up to God and the leaders where and how to navigate this life. We were not to question this boat leader’s vision or direction as they were “hearing from God”. If you wanted to minister it had to be under their direct “umbrella.”

My pride, arrogance, manipulation and disregard for the scripture are detestable to me. In that I was your leader, role model, and teacher makes it doubly serious. I know of nothing else than to remove myself.

I am not beating myself up as to the point where I imagine that I did nothing right. There were many of you that I loved unconditionally. We showed hospitality, we modeled a good marriage, an open and honest life and when I needed to, I have asked your forgiveness. But the scope and magnitude which I see my own heart today is detestable to me.

So today, I ask your forgiveness. I know many of you were not directly under my leadership. So why do I ask your forgiveness? This is why. - Maybe in reading my “confession” you will come to realize that those in leadership above you who have inflicted so many hurts will someday come to realize what they have done. Maybe your prayers for them will result in them walking out of their own deception. Maybe the grace that you show to them will be a signpost for them to follow. Maybe in not hating them you will be able to love and pray for their blinders to fall off.From my heart to you, I am so sorry, please forgive me. And please forgive those who also have been your leaders.

A Person Formerly Known As Your Leader