Wikipedia, in its article about the stages of grief gives the five commonly known stages that people go through while experiencing grief of all sorts. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Today, while I had a few minutes to catch my breath in the middle of both my busy season at work and my father's decline in health I pondered those stages. Many of you are asking why we are not blogging about the church or our situations as much as we were last year at this time. I realized today that in a lot of ways, the stages of my blogging mirrored the stages in my grief over our church situation. I wonder if many of you are like me too.
In the beginning, there was the denial. I just did not want to believe these people would not turn around and be my friend again. I did not want to believe that they would simply turn away from our leaving without coming to reconcile the seeming dichotomy of what they knew of our lives and what was being said (or not said). I could not believe that if I could figure out the inconsistencies of the doctrine and practice that they would also soon figure it out. Denial was a large part of the beginning of my journey and then my blogging.
Anger. Oh how the anger phase fueled my fingers as they ranted and exposed and cried out for justice. I almost look back on that phase with a bit of longing. I was feeling, thinking, reacting and if nothing else, I felt alive. I tried to "tone it down" because some friends were reading, but trust me, it was born out of the anger I felt for being duped and then in turn duping others as I was their leader. I was just waiting for God to get a clue and straighten them all out and show everyone that we were right!!
I think for me, I skipped right over bargaining to depression. I remember posts that I would weep over. Nights where I would dream of former friends and then spend the next day in a fog. I did not want to do anything. All the pleasures of life were reduced to gray - no color. Even in this phase it fueled the mind to write. I needed to reach out of my pit and at least know that others were around who understood me. You all were great. You reached right back and loved me. I think the time of depression would have lasted much longer with graver consequences if it were not for the online community that I experienced.
The bargaining phase though did pop up here and there. I wanted to offer God something else that might work. I wanted community like I had before. I wanted to belong again. I wanted the "church" to change so that I could belong. I entered a period of wondering how the "church" could be structured so as to prevent any abuse of power. How would we all get together to pray and share and learn?
And then, somewhere in the past few weeks and months I think the last phase has descended. Acceptance. I have learned to accept the place where I am. I have learned to accept my kids, my husband and my friends just as they are. I accept the "church" and realize that while others may go and find a place of community, I will probably not ever be there again. Acceptance that the friends God places around me are the friends that I am to have - no more - no less. Acceptance that the times around my dinner table or out to eat are my church. Acceptance that my kids, their friends and their parents are here for me to love.
Most of all this acceptance phase has decided to accept the path that the Father has seemed to place us on. Maybe we are crazy. Maybe we are hard of heart or even more likely, hard of hearing. But, as much as I may not really love it all of the time, it is where we are.
The thing lately that has brought me peace in this place of acceptance is a memory. When Nathan, (now 14), was born, I distinctly felt that the Father told me that I was to give him a middle name of Dabar. Dabar is a Hebrew word for "a new thing." Of course, back in my old group we were always looking out for the next NEW THING!!! that was just around the corner. I thought maybe he was to be a great leader, prophet, evangelist. But just the other day I was reminded of his name and it made me laugh a bit. What if this "new thing" is the absence of all of the old stuff. What if the Father wants my kids brought up outside the confines of the institutional church? What if He wants to teach them about himself - all by himself - in an organic kind of existence?
I guess I'll never know really. All I know is that today as I look back and evaluate, I am at a place of acceptance like never before. I feel like I have finally sunk to the bottom of a warm ocean, I have sand beneath my feet and I am stable for the first time in a long time. I'm surrounded by the sea of His love. I breathe in the water and am amazed that I can exist in this place with such health.
Not much to write about down here. But it is nice.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Stages of Grief/Blogging
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Pursuit of The Sinless Life
So Then, How Are We Changed? - Grace Given
I suspect that Grace truly becomes alive in us and may actually change our hearts as it is being given out to someone else and not by just having the head knowledge that we have received it. How many times have we given Grace and withheld judgment towards someone and find that something deep inside our hearts has been purged? How many times do we, with gritted teeth, choose to forgive and give Grace and then find that something in our heart has been softened by the very act?
Just something I'm thinking about this morning. What about you. Have you seen a change in yourselves as Grace was given to you or as you gave it? Stories, please, if you have them!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Responding VS Initiating
I think one of the biggest changes I see in myself these days is the anticipation returning that God will do something in and around me. Let me explain though because it differs from what I was like before in my Charismatic life.
Three years ago we were always planning for God. We would plan worship services so He could be with us. We would plan for the non-Christians so that we would be ready for them. We would get prayed for so that we would be ready to hear the Holy Spirit. We would give so that we were ready to get what was coming to us. We were always trying to help God out or be in such a position that we would not miss Him when He showed up.
It fostered an atmosphere of expectancy - to be sure. But so very often that expectancy was dashed as again, God did nothing spectacular that day. This left me, at least, feeling like I was not doing enough, preparing enough or somehow was deficient in some way. It also left me constantly looking around and being judgmental. Who was not doing their part, who had sin in their life, what was the hold up - "is it something you are doing?"
After two years of just refusing to prepare for anything I find something very interesting happening.
1. I have an awareness of God's presence that is unlike anything I experienced in those meetings where He was touted to be there "IN POWER." I"m not afraid this presence will leave me. It is pervasive. It is just here. I can't explain it other than that. He is with me. It is not exciting as much as comforting. It is not powerful as much as it is kind. It is not life changing as much as it is life transforming.
2. I find myself responding to Him instead of preparing for Him. When He speaks to me, I am amazed and grateful but I don't expect the same thing to happen in the same way the very next day or week. I don't try to get Him to do it again. I love it but He is under no obligation to perform at my will.
3. When I recognize His hand or his voice in something I am delighted. I used to be so anxious and actually a bit ticked at Him all of the time. After all, I was working so very hard and he rarely gave me any indication that He was helping out. But now it is a calm delight that settles into my soul when I actively see Him speaking or doing.
4. I realize that I could not reproduce what he just did or said even if I tried very hard. Here's an instance of that. The other day I was mulling over Grace and how it has changed my life. Sometimes I find myself feeling like I'm on a slippery slope into oblivion with nothing to hang onto. (I'll explain this more in another post) But out of nowhere I realized that if I were truly slipping down this slope and in danger of losing anything I would have the handhold of His goodness to catch myself on. It then came to me that when Moses wanted to actually see God, God placed him in a cleft of a rock and caused his Goodness to pass before Moses. I was amazed that when God let someone see him, the part of his Glory that he chose to show was his Goodness.
It was like tumblers falling into place as the Father spoke to me of his Goodness that morning. I was suddenly surrounded by a tangible feeling of His Goodness. It took all the anxiety away from wondering if I was on a tangent. I realized that God, in his Goodness would rescue me and always provide a safe place to hang onto.
But here's my point. How in the world would I reproduce that kind of experience with God? How would I form a gathering where he could speak to everyone at the same time of this fact? How in the world would I get God to tell my kids the same thing as he told me?
Answer is (I think).....I can't. All I can do is respond. All I can do is be willing to let him speak or act. Maybe out of the overflow of my heart I could share this with my kids or a friend or two. Maybe they too will be blessed by what happened to me. But what I want for them is the same comfort to know that when the Father wants to speak to them - He will. Out of His Goodness not out of our preparing for Him.
And so I find myself here....at this spot....simply responding to what He is doing. If He does nothing or says nothing I will wait. I truly hope this is OK. It goes against everything Church Lady believed.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Upside Down Kingdom
I love what I am seeing in scripture lately. I love it when it rocks my world with it's upside down way of seeing the Kingdom.
Internet Monk had a link the other day to Greg Boyd's website where, starting in October, they are beginning a series of weeks looking at some of the parables of Jesus and how he turns the thinking of the day upside down. It is entitled: The Great Reversal - The Upside Down Kingdom of God. I went onto the site and just browsed the passages he uses and then especially the cultural context that Jesus spoke into. I urge you to do the same.
Some of the ones that really stood out to me was how the world then viewed the poor, sick and destitute people. Like I wrote yesterday, both the rich and the poor believed that God did not love the poor and had no desire to be around them. Your riches were proof that God was on your side and blessing you.
One thing that Boyd points out is the importance of being asked to a banquet. See, in that day to be asked to a banquet showed your status in the city. Even where you sat at the table would show your importance. So when Jesus tells the story of a man throwing a banquet for his friends and his friends coming up with a lame excuse to not attend, it was a major slap in the face of the host. You never turned down an invitation. It was a major honor in that time to be asked to a banquet. Someone was spending a ton of money on the food. Therefore, it would mean the end of your relationship if you declined - especially for such a lame reason. So when Jesus then said that the host gave instructions to his servant to go to the highways and byways to compel the outcasts to come to his banquet...it was a HUGE deal. The most interesting thing is the word compel. See, these people had to be compelled to come because in that culture, even if they were invited, they were supposed to turn down the invitation(!!!) because they were not favored enough of God. You would never accept the invitation, because to do so was dishonoring your host.
Just the idea that Jesus loves us so much that he compels us to come to Him. Even when we have screwed up so much that we can't see why he would want us to come. Plus, Boyd pointed out that, in actuality, there was enough food prepared that there would have been enough for the original guests and those that were invited later. (He doesn't hate the rich either)
The other one that really struck me was the passage where the Pharisees came to him with the disciples of John and accused Jesus of eating and drinking with the sinners (not necessarily those who sinned but this bunch that were labeled outcasts because of their disease or poverty or lifestyle) Boyd says that the word for eating with the sinners implies that Jesus was actually hosting banquets and inviting the oppressed in.
I had never thought of Jesus hosting a banquet. I just always saw him as having no home therefore he always attended someone elses' house. But just the thought that Jesus hosted these people warmed my heart. No wonder the Pharisees got so bent out of shape. Jesus was not just ministering to these people, he was honoring them. And they (the Pharisees) were not getting invited to sit at the important seats.
I also loved the one where he was eating at a banquet at some Pharisee's house (the last one he was invited to by the way! ;P) Jesus told a story and began it with something like this. "Suppose you were a shepherd and had 100 sheep. You lost one....." He goes on from there. But the funny thing was that he said, "Suppose you were a shepherd." See, shepherds were one of those 'sinner' type people. They were the ones that God did not like. It would be like sitting down with a bunch of prophets, pastors and self proclaimed apostles today and starting a story like this; "Suppose you were a male prostitute..." You can hear the silence! "How dare he!!!"
I love the heart of Jesus today and want him to show me some more of his upside down kingdom as it relates to my own life.
A beer to Naked Pastor for use of his brilliant comic.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Rescue Parade - Please Participate!!
Rescue Parade – Please Add Your Announcement
Tracy at The Best Parts the other day wrote of a Rescue Parade that someone hosted for the pugs (a type of dog) that have been rescued and claimed by owners who are now taking care of them. Some have been restored to perfect health and others still bear the scars of their horrible lives. As each one comes out they get a thunderous round of applause as they walk or in some cases are carried by their loving owners.
She says this about the experience of watching this and what the Father quickened in her spirit:
“I think the reason that both The Rescue Parade and the movie trailer touch me so deeply is because they are both shadows of a far greater spiritual reality. I love Acts 3:20-21 which talks about the restoration of all things. All. I believe in the end even the trees shall be fully restored (see Isaiah 55:12). Nothing will escape the love of God in His plan to restore all things.
It got me to thinking: I wonder if God will have a Rescue Parade at the end of time? Can you hear the thunderous applause, both for the created ones as well as for the Creator, as every created being circles the throne? The contrast of our former lives, filled with limping, blindness, poverty, oppression, and destroyed relationships compared to our new lives of joy unspeakable where every tear has been wiped away forever will cause all of us to come undone in a celebration like we cannot even imagine.”
As I read this post from somewhere deep in my spirit I could hear the Heavenly Rescue Parade that I would someday be a part of. I penned this which I left as a comment at Tracy’s site:
I wrote:
And this next woman is named Barbara. She was rescued from a life of Religion. She thought her God was mean, angry and demanding but when introduced to the Real Me, she was wonderfully saved and delivered. She went on to love those around her with compassion and beauty the rest of her life.
Abmo spontaneously added his:
And the next guy is Nestus. He was rescued from a small dark room where he chose to hide. He kept his distance because he thought God only loved others. He was introduced to The Father who knows him inside and out and suddenly he began to see others who hide in small dark rooms. He went on to love those around him and became a rescuer of others in dark places. When asked about it he said, "Hu? I only did what I saw my Father doing."
Then Tracy herself wrote:
And here comes Tracy, who formerly thought she had to do it all alone with complete independence. Because of this, it took her awhile to learn total dependence on Papa and on His Son's life within her, but she grew in these areas with every passing year.
And then Karen (SoCal) Wrote:
Here's Karen...... my precious one, who I loved from the beginning, but she didn't know it. So she lived in self-doubt, afraid to trust herself, seeking approval and validation from others. When she saw a glimpse of the real me she thought it was too good to be true and was afraid to believe. But she did believe and she did receive and she discovered that the truth is truly much more wonderful than she ever imagined.
Co-heir added his:
And here's Fred, who was stuck in a system where he had to have all the right answers all the time. I taught him to question and through the questions I slowly changed him into someone who looks like Jesus.
And next our friend Jeff McQ:
...and here's Jeff, who grew up with a Messiah complex, somehow believing he needed to be perfect, weighed down with the expectations of performance and a drive to somehow fulfill his great calling instead of trusting Me with his destiny. This pressure used to weigh on him so heavily that it drove him to compulsive behaviors. That weight is being removed from his shoulders as he realizes that he is free to be a human being, the same as everyone else--and is no less loved for it. He enjoys his life much more now.
Place of Grace (Annette) is delightfully next:
...and here is Anette, whom I loved all along. Even while she thought she should deserve my love by saving everyone else all by herself. I am so glad she eventually caught on and accepted that I do not want anything she can give, only what I have made in any case - herself!!
Tyler Dawn is brought on by her Maker who says:
Next comes Tyler Dawn, who used to love to have her religious owners praise her whenever she sang for them. She thought they loved her so much until she stopped and they said, "Bad girl!" She found herself out on the street and thought she was an orphan until she met her new daddy who picked her up and hasn't stopped saying "Good girl" ever since.
Brad enters with:
… and here’s Brad. I found him in what looked like the near-terminal stage of Nice Disease. Insidious spiritual autoimmune disease that it is, Niceness sends one searching externally for meaning in friendships, activism, and occasional grandiose acts of public pseudo-kindness – yet all the while attacking internally with self-inflicted guilt and shame. As in all forms of fear, Nice Disease eventually leads to panic or, as in his case, the coldness of depression. But now that he’s been rescued, he’s gradually warming up to the love of the Father, the leading of the Spirit, and joy in the Son. These give him reason to get up each morning to greet the dawn, not just face another day of pretense. Through restoration of soul and installation of hope, his imagination has been unlocked at last to foresee a bright and redemptive future … and each day, that helps melt a bit more of the “ice” in the Nice, and what’s underneath is revealed as “real.”
Next may I introduce Dave Aldrich?
So here's Dave A. He sees much of what other folks have written here about their journeys in his own. Most of his life he believed he had to be perfect because he figured that most others were except for him. He gave up trying a long time ago but the scars of insecurity, pessimism and a self-loathing spirit remained... until Father began to lift the veil from his eyes. Then he began to see his true identity and the immeasurable love Papa has for him. Now he is understanding true love, true purpose, and the only real and worthy identity is Christ in us as us.
And lovingly He introduces vestaoikos:
I would like to introduce My fair child. I found her crumpled in severe rejection and had to softly cleanse her from the brine of unforgiveness. If only she could see the beauty that I see in her. I cleansed her soft dove eyes from the slimes of distrust and held her repeatedly against My bosom, letting My Spirit enfold every fibre of her. My light cracked her cast of 'I'll do whatever to be accepted'. This woman, fellow children, is My fair child of whom I am proud.
Getting There, a new friend of Barb's who is still reeling from some wounds, comes next with:
Here is one who was somewhat like the lady in the kitchen always serving instead of sitting at the feet of Jesus. She served at the church with all her heart only to find false teaching, control and manipulation within the church she loved so dearly. After sharing her concerns, she has been excommunicated, no one has contacted her and these were her friends for years. She am in detox phase.. scared of church to some extent but she wants to go to church. So she is a process of re evaluating things and leaning on Me, the bible and the power of the cross to get her through this time.
Kathyescobar joyfully enters with:
oh and there's kathy. had it not been for the love of some dear friends who took her in and begin to teach her that she really was valuable and loved, she would have spent her life believing that she was nothing more than her past behavior and she deserved to be beaten. she'd try hard to please but never could seem to. it was exhausting. after being rescued from the confines of legalism & shame, she's learned how to rely on her Master, and trust that he really does love her just how she is. we've seen a lot of shifts in her the past few years and she's finally learning that she's safe. she's secure. she's loved.
And here is Sarah, whom I love next"
..who was running fast and hard down a path of total self-destruction. I snatched her up just in time and held her until her wounds of childhood abuse and spiritual abuse were healed. I spoke softly to her with words of kindness. I made her a friend, and she learned that I could be trusted. I have steadily been at work to continue to free her from tainted worldviews, cultural grids, and other misperceptions. We are getting closer as I show her Who I really am, how I see things, and what I am *really* like. I have taught her to enjoy asking me many, many questions!
Next, is a woman that to you, will remain Anonymous, but to me she is known and loved dearly:
When I found her, she was so desperate and grateful to be rescued. It took many years of persistent gentleness before she trusted My love for her and no longer shrank back from Me. As she was restored, she became eager to help in rescuing others. Before her dreams were realized, she became broken in ways that won't allow her to be a rescuer. I hope that she will trust my love and faithfulness in her dependence and suffering.
Here is Joe, known and loved:
Then there's Joe, a drunk and a problem with love for himself and others. He meets Jesus but then transfers his old feelings onto his image of God. So God hates a lot of people and excludes a lot of people. Then Joe has a revelation...God is Love. Joe begins to love. He loves people. He loves himself. He is given love from Father to do this. It's no longer about whose 'in' or 'out', its about love, unconditional, unmotivated, unquenchable love.God is love.
Larry comes next with:
...and then there is Larry. Larry would tell you he was saved by Grace, but he acted like he was saved by works. It took this thick-headed child many years to understand the true ramifications of Grace. It took him even longer to stop judging others in his mind. He's getting much more healthy and mature now. He finally realizes that he doesn't know everything and is learning to truly believe Me.
Oh, and have you met Ruth?
and then there's me, Ruth. Saved by grace '95, then utterly confused by religion and religious happenings thereafter. Gently restored by the Father to the Son's embrace; kept there by His tender love ! Childlike, I forsook the cloak of religion & jumped out of the comfort and insanity of religion. Now I just look for the beauty of Jesus in those I am privileged to meet up with each & every day! The one thing I can count on is Love, His Love, it will abide forever !
And please welcome Old Pete!
As I've said, I don't know where to start. I guess what I'm really saying is that this is my story, I have no idea how this might be helpful to others - or even who it might be helpful to - maybe as a sounding board for some in the earlier stages of detox?I am finding it more and more difficult to remember what I have said and written over the years. I seem to have this knack of asking the awkward questions to which there are no easy answers. Is that what some people need?I remember seeing the suggestion that the ultimate vision is to have no vision of our own - perhaps I'm getting close to that!
And here is Tera Rose, I know her as Jane.
....always knowing that she belonged to the Father at a young age, loving Jesus and believing in his goodness....until she tried to figure out how she could be good enough for him and searched...and found herself in places that appeared to be beautiful and holy...and trusted in shepherds that well, you know, turned out to be wolves in sheeps clothing...and now sits beneath the apple tree wondering, not if God exists, but What God is...and Who she is...and aching to have the infantlike trust...but grateful for the growing up process..believing in God...but not the church...wanting to walk like Him..but not with his people...wondering if it all amounts to the fact that she is simple of two minds; sitting on the fence; straddling two worlds...to be spit out in the end.
Next we have Deacon & Usher
Committed since the Jesus movement, strong worship musicians (truly believing we were not performing - not)for 30 years, loyal to a fault - all believing that ordination would signal arrival - it didn't - had to shut down a church as a layman to keep leaders from continuing abuse of the people - sought out a less "cultish" environment only to find the same results. Left the modern church when covenants, egalitarianism and academia became the most important issues and not grace or God. We threw off the clothes, dumped the titles, resorted to living day-to-day and are enjoying being what God made us - buzzards under grace.
Our latest entry is made by Dr. Paul, who joins the line saying:
here - a recovering pastor who has been rediscovering the grace of God after wandering in the wilderness of graceless religion for far too long.
Discovered the significant impact of internalized-shame on relationships and spirituality as well as its power to resist grace and healing. We all carry "original shame" that lies to us about our worth and God's love. Not only is it not addressed in most churches, it is actually used to activate people to do more (to be enough) and to conform (to not be shamed by the community/leaders).
Carolyn enters with this from her Father:
And now...here's Carolyn. She's very tender right now, so she is still a bit timid and shy with others...but she is coming along...she's healing slowly but surely.
Next is Ruth!! Welcome her with this:
And then comes another Ruth who got an e-mail several years ago from her senior pastor, telling her to step down from heading the music ministry "until you can respect the leadership of the church."
Which was wonderful, because on reading it, she realized that was just never going to happen.
Which meant she was free.
She hardly ever gets angry about the whole thing these days and is genuinely glad to not be there anymore.
And here is Fiona!
...Father opened my eyes maybe 18 months ago, when I pulled one thread and found the whole garment of the church unraveled. At first I was grief stricken, and angry, realizing some of the travesties that are taught in Jesus name, and how they hurt people. But now I am so much more joyful in my faith; understanding freedom in a way I didn't before; no longer attending an organized church, but walking the journey Father has for me, learning as I go, and having been blessed by the company of some others on a similar path that were led there independently. I truly desire others to enjoy the true freedom we have in Christ, but I know only Father can lead them there, in His time, working in their hearts. So I talk and write to those who are interested, as I feel led, and trust that Father will grow His real Kingdom - not the man-made imitation, though sometimes both are present in the one place. Still have stuff to work through - the internal things I took on board even subconsciously through 20 odd years in Pentecostal megachurches. But I trust that Father knows what He is doing in Me!
These made me weep as I read them. Our lives as believers do have Hope! If you would like to participate in our Bloggers Rescue Parade and write what you think could be said about your life, please leave it in the comments section and I will put it on the main page as it comes in.
Blessings to all of you this weekend. May the Spirit of God whisper into your ear how very much he longs for this day.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Supernatural Words - I'm Sorry, I Was Wrong, Please Forgive Me
Over the past few days my blog has received over 900 page loads. My blog got picked up by a blog and a forum. Someone who was interested in exposing the New Apostolic Reformation landed on my site and started looking around.
I would have expected the pages that they would link to would be the ones where I was ranting about the NAR or calling for Honesty. But no….the page that was linked to and most hit was one of my first posts (The Person Formerly Known As Your Leader) where I publicly repented for my part in the leadership of our group. I wrote it as a response to the posts that were being written as the People Formerly Known as…… (You can see all that were written at the time at Bill Kinnon’s link on his left sidebar.)
As I looked at all the people who were reading my repentance and some of their comments I realized anew that the one thing the world longs for in relationship is someone who will say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” Whether it is a husband and wife relationship, a parent to their children or a child to his parent, a governmental official to his constituents or a church leader to his congregation, we long to hear those words.
In the case of a governmental (or parental) role you might think that admitting your “wrongness” would give the impression that you could not be trusted to lead. This is totally opposite of the truth. Admitting you are wrong may at first bring on the, “I told you so’s” but given time, people will realize that you can be trusted more than those who rationalize and explain away their behavior.
The world longs for, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, Please forgive me.” These words bring out humility and put everyone on the same playing field. They cause you to get under someone that you have offended and then lift them up. They heal, they save and they restore relationship.
Those words have done more to repair relationships of Husband and I to our children than all the “parenting” that we have ever done. They have restored relationships of people who had left our church before we did - those whom we shunned and believed lies about.
In the realm of relationships these words are truly miraculous. They are magic. No.....they are supernatural.
Today, if you truly wish to walk in the supernatural, say them to someone. Then stand back and watch a miracle.
Let GodTV air that one.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
One For The Leavers - From Abmo
Abmo at Windblown Hope has been blogging one year today. I started to leave him a comment on how instrumental he has been in our lives and it got so long that I decided to post it here. This will give new readers an idea of why he is on my reader list.
Dear Abmo,
On December 12th of last year I left a comment and asked you to TELL ME HOW TO LIVE THIS LIFE!! I was frustrated, running out of hope and didn't know where to turn. I wanted to know what was next. You emailed me back these 7 questions and said the following:
"It is unfortunate that I cannot "show" you how we live or what we do. On the other side it is fortunate that I cannot "show" you. This is a struggle that is meant for you alone. Like Jacob (Gen 32:24) it is a wrestle with God in the dark. BUT I can give you hints in the form of questions that you can mull over in this time...:-)
1)Who is Jesus FOR YOU? What do you know of His character? What did He struggle with? Is He as fickle as us? Does He change? What is His love like? What can you do in order to make Him love you more?
2)If you were the only person on this planet, what would your relationship with Jesus look like? What would you "do" for Him? Could you do anything for Him? What does your relationship with Him look like?
3)Who are you? Have you made peace with yourself? Are you a loved person?.....by Jesus. Are you a liked person?.....by Jesus. What does surrender look like? I like the word "brokenness". Can you tell me why?
4)Time. Is God in a hurry? Is every moment holy? Is there a thing such as a time away from God? Do you have to meet people once a week to develop a special bond with them?
5)What does your everyday life look like? Mundane/ordinary? Is God present in the mundane/ordinariness of your life? He came to set the captives free. Free from what?
6)What is the church? (What you know of church has to die completely).
7)Our struggle is usually between right and wrong. Is there a third option?
A lot of questions. Some answers take a long time to be born. When it is time. Give yourself time. I will be praying for the scary part.
As I look over these questions today, I realize that only through the Father addressing each of these questions in His own time allows me to be who and where I am today. Thank you for not giving my husband and me a plan to follow or even your journey to emulate. Instead you gave the most important questions I have had posed to me - ever - in my life. They were the questions that seemed to be on the heart of the Father to answer in our lives. They were insightful and prophetic. I kept the email and check back to it almost monthly to see what Father has been teaching me about them.
I am grateful to have been able to read along on the window that you (and your wife) have provided. I have benefited so much from your encouragement. I remain grateful.
Barb
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Favor
Mary over at One Thing Is Needed has asked a brilliant question about the idea of asking for favor or expecting favor on our lives because we are believers. Please read it here. I didn’t want to take up all the comment space there so I’ll reply here.
As I said in the comments, Marsh and I discussed this most of last evening after I did a brief study of the words favor and grace in the Old and New Testament. In the New Testament I love that the word favor is actually the word grace. They are interchangeable. As I read all the verses that use the word grace in the New Testament I found that grace means so much more than just God bestowing good things on us. It is totally wrapped up into the Person of Grace. Often it is referred to as the “grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.” I love that it is not just a concept anymore but a Person.
So much like me, I was ready to throw out asking for favor or grace at all because we now live IN grace. But then Husband asked, “What about all the verses that make it clear that God wants his children to ask for things. Paul even talks about asking for grace/favor to do things. You can’t throw those out.” (He is always doing this to me…..grrrrr….balance and all that) We then decided that there is a big difference from asking for favor or grace and asking for preference. Preference says “bless me and not them.” Preference says, "Give me the job and don’t give it to the other person.“ Preference says, “Give me the wealth of the Gentiles.“ (See preference was totally understood to the Jewish people in the Old Testament. This is how they saw it. If you obey - you will get favor - preference - from God.) But favor - this New Testament idea - can include just asking for the blessing that Father has already said He wants to give us.
It is kind of like the two sons in the Prodigal Son story. Both sons could have lived in the grace or favor of their father. Neither son did. The wayward son was not living in the grace that was there all the time but we find out that the elder son also was not living in it because he would not ask for anything.
It will probably change my prayer life quite a bit. I really do trust the Father to give me good things. I want to stay as far away from the “name-it-claim-it” “I get preferential treatment because I’m a believer” camp. But I also can’t be shy about asking for things either. I want to ask in a much more humble way though. Not “Give me preference over all the heathen,” or “Me first!!" kind of prayer, but more like, “ Father I would really like this and know that your heart is to give me good gifts, so I’m asking, but I trust You with the giving part.”
Thanks Mary, this was very helpful.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The God's Honest Truth - Book Review
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
On Forgiveness
As I read the blogs of others and I look back at the leaving of my old church, one subject seems to come up again and again. How is the forgiveness thing going? Have you been able to forgive yet? When you see the people that are shunning you or have spoken badly about you, is there still something there. Do you still want them exposed? Do you want them to pay for their sins?
I know many of us know that we should be “over it” by now. Many of us purpose in our hearts to try to forgive. Many of us have just decided that we will “put on” forgiveness. When we meet up with the offenders we will just treat them as if it is forgiven but deep in our hearts we know we are failing miserably at the whole forgiveness thing.
Well, I’m in the same boat as you. I had just decided that I would treat them as they had not hurt me. I would be kind….nice even. But forgiveness from the heart…..couldn’t do that.
That is until I started re-adjusting how I saw our Father. See, my view of Him was that He was just like me. I was taught, and had taught, that he forgave me of my sins. But somehow that had morphed into the fact that essentially He had just decided to treat me in a way that did not reflect how my sins (I) deserved to be treated. Somehow he still hung onto my sins and yet treated me with grace and mercy.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Home Run at Windblown Hope
Saturday, June 14, 2008
The Journey Together
OK, I’m ready to write again. I wasn’t sure I was going to be. Let me explain.
I don’t want to be one of those couples. I want our lives to be filled with harmony in all the areas of our lives. I’m not judging the journeys of those I mentioned in the last paragraph I just don’t want to live the rest of my married life on separate pages spiritually. I want to walk together with Marshall. I want that walk in every area of our lives - in our finances, in our decisions we make about our kids, in our sexual lives and in our lives with Father.
Now that does not mean that I have to be a clone of what he believes. It only means that as we decide something say in the area of finances, we can do the same in what we are choosing to believe about God or our walk with Him. We can come to the table with the question. See all what we can both see in the factors that need to influence our decision. Sometimes come to an agreement. Sometimes agree to disagree. But the decision to include each other in this process and then walk as one is crucial. It does not mean we will come to the same decisions about God and what He is like or what the Scriptures say about a subject. It does mean that we have not left each other behind and are still walking together.
Has this been an issue with those who read here? Some of you have alluded to it. Would love to hear what your husbands or wives are thinking about what you write. How do you communicate with each other about what you are posting/thinking about?
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
He Keeps No Records of Wrongs - When it is tempting to hate Grace
Jonathan Brink at Missio Dei posted about Why We Don’t Like Grace . It captures something that I have been struggling with ever since I heard the God Journey podcast from last Friday, Can We Make God Too Nice?
In this podcast they are talking with Darin Hufford who with one statement has completely rocked my boat. He has written a book (The God's Honest Truth) that explores the idea that the I Corinthians 13 passage on love actually describes God.
Look at the passage again for a minute
(1 Cor 13:4-8a NIV) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Hufford said that if God is Love then this passage not only describes how we are to act but also gives a complete description of God.
Now I really like that God is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful or proud or rude or self seeking or easily angered. I like that he does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. I love that he always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. I’m ecstatic that Love/God never fails.
What I am having a really hard time with is that God keeps no records of wrongs!!
NO RECORDS?????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? ABSOLUTELY NO RECORDS?
Here is a bit of what I fought about with God this week because of this revelation:
“What do you mean you keep no record of wrongs? What of all those who have wronged me? What about all the things that they have done to me and others and are still doing? God…..aren’t you keeping up with all of them? How can you make anything right if you aren’t keeping a record of what they are doing wrong? You mean you are actually keeping NO RECORDS of what they are doing? You are not going to hold them to your record of the wrongs they have done? No....... What you must mean is that WE are not to keep records but it is ok if you do because you are God. Right? Hello?"
"Come on God. I’m supposed to be ok with this? My one hope was that someday you would show all of them where they went wrong. That I would be vindicated. That my rightness would at least be shown. It is not that I wanted them punished really….I’ve forgiven them….I just wanted them to see that I was right. But now I find out that you don’t even care enough to keep a little list? This is not how it was supposed to be. I thought you were going to come through for me here!!"
I hate this GRACE!!! It is not fair!! (Of corse to be honest I want this kind of Grace applied to me......I like Grace then.)
And then some verses do make more sense now.
Verses in Matt 18: Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. You mean God has to live with this rule? God forgives seventy seven times – and more?
Or - Col 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. So He does this too? He is not telling us to do something that He himself does not do?
And it totally explains this greeting: Luke 2:14 "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." God at peace with man. This is the God who does not keep a record of wrongs.
It explains the Cross. It explains the God I want to be there for me. It explains how I love this God who does not treat me as my sins deserve.
I just have to get over the fact that it also explains a bit as to why He hasn’t shown me “right” yet here in my little situation.
No records???? Really????
Sunday, June 1, 2008
What If?
UPDATES: Please let me know if you have written anything to add to this and I will link you. (even if it was something weeks, months or even years ago)
#1) Sarah at Accidental Blog has added 2 posts that add a great deal to this post. Please read here and here.
#2) Joel added his thoughts at Grace Roots with his post "Moves of God" and One Heart at a Time
#3) Cynthia adds more great layers in her Monday Morning Mentations.
#4 And a new blogger - Tiffany, who is thinking some pretty dangerous thoughts ;) The Church has Left the Building
In my last post I made a kind of tongue-in-cheek reference to the fact that ”maybe” this movement of people pouring out of the institutional churches and into the unknown was the next “Big Move of God.”
For many of us, those words evoke a feeling not unlike the stomach flu. They remind us of a time where we were being strung along spiritually, emotionally, financially and relationally waiting for the “Next Things of God” that we dare not miss.
But in writing those words and in mulling over even being tempted to use them for what is happening to me and some of you I realized something.
I entitle it: “What If?”
What If God were much bigger than I had ever imagined?
What If Grace was more encompasing that I could believe?
What if God wanted to find his people, go after his sheep, anywhere they had wandered?
What if there was no big "Move of God" but just God pursuing people – sometimes seemingly in the same location at the same time?
What if He was desiring a relationship equally with us who have left the institutional church AND those who are still in there?
What if today, His “Big Move” was to search out hungry hearts anywhere they will be found?
What if He finds some of those people in a institutional church today?
What if He finds some of those people in a park?
What if He finds some of those people in a gutter?
What if He finds some of those people in their pain?
What if He finds some of those people in their joy?
What if He finds some of those people in Lakeland, Florida?
What if He finds some of those people in the church I just left?
What if He finds some of those people lying in bed, hungover with someone they don’t remember meeting?
What if He finds some of those people who are former atheists and now in a Catholic Church? (meet Jennifer)
What if the "Big Move of God" was simply God having a heart to pour out onto his people wherever, whenever he finds them open and hungry to know Him.
What if we stopped trying to label the next "Move of God" and started participating in His plan to touch one life at a time?
What if we no longer cared if we are missing out on the "Next Move of God" and started to BE the next move of God for another person?
What if we believed in the Grace of God soooooo much that we allowed him to be just as big and diverse and loving as he wanted?
What if I stopped trying to decide who/what is right and who/what is wrong and truly let God sort it out?
What if I ceased wondering and looking for the Next Big Move of God in my life and simply allowed Him to love me today and allowed my heart to open up and tell Him of my love back for Him?
What if God was not limited to The Next Move of God? What if He was bigger?
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Taking Our Cities For God
Abmo over at Windblown Hope has added another layer onto Heather’s original post that has already stirred so much good discussion. He asks this question about the phrase that we all proclaimed in our charismatic services about how we were going to, “Take our city for Christ.” He poses this question after discussing how utterly hard it is to try to even describe what this might mean.
He says, “Then a thought hit me over the head. How would a town/city look like when it’s been won for Jesus? What kind of a town would it be? This could be fun. What do you think a town/city would look like, if it’s been won for Jesus?”
I have two paragraphs. My first paragraph is what I think they (the churches that I participated with) meant when they said this. The second paragraph is my answer to what I think it would mean if I ever saw a city “Taken for Jesus.”
My CLB (church left behind) was BIG on government. So one of the first evidences to them that our city had been “taken for Christ’ would be if all the churches in the area came under the governmental rule of one Apostle. (Usually this apostle would be speaking of himself as "The Apostle") This would be unity of the brethren that they believed the Bible talks about. But not only the churches. The businesses would also have apostolic men in them that were ranked under the key apostles. The police department, the hospital, the mayor’s office, all would have godly men submitted to the men that God had placed above them. (The Apostle) They believed that then and only then could the Kingdom of God be brought into a city. We were taught that when God’s government was in place then the power of God would be released in a city to experience the glory of his presence. People’s lives would be changed. They would become Christians and be involved in our apostolic churches. Even other denominations would see the unity and want to come under this covering. One City, One Church, One head – the Apostle. Godly government would release prosperity. It would release the favor of God on the city. The city would be under apostolic covering and so it would be protected from the ravages of the enemy. It would become a kind of a utopia. A city of refuge. Crime would decrease. Corruption would not be found and Jesus’ prayer that God’s will would be “done on earth as it is in heaven” would have come into being.
This is what is being preached in more and more churches across our nation and now into the world. C. Peter Wagners’ New Apostolic Reformation and the International Coalition of Apostles believe this. Most of the men preaching this believe that they or a very small handful of men like them are the ones who should rule and reign with God’s blessing over the cities and churches in an area. If you hear the words used like Apostle, covering, governmental, apostolic authority, or any thing like this, stop and ask some questions. In my opinion it is a structure being erected by men (some well meaning – some in it for their own power needs) to build their own kingdom. It has the potential for spiritual abuse like no other system since the crusades. Already, if you do not agree with the Apostle’s agenda you are demonized and called rebellious – not only to the man preaching – but to God himself. They are speaking in behalf of God and his will for you and this earth, and that my friend is just downright dangerous.
I therefore would not use the phrase “Take our city for Jesus.” I don’t believe it will happen until the physical rule of Jesus is on the earth and I have NO idea how that will ultimately happen or how it will look.
That said, let me say this; I do believe that there has been and will be awakenings in cities and regions before He comes. I believe that through the divine hand of God there will be times where the Spirit awakens those in a single region or city to an awareness of the Grace of God in Jesus. Many will turn to Him. If it is a real move of the Spirit it will result in Grace being poured out to the poor and the broken. The key financial aspect of it will be that of sharing with each other as in the move of the Holy Spirit in Acts. The only covering done will be that of one brother to another in forgiveness and reconciliation. The only government will be that of Grace and Mercy to our fellow man/woman. The only refuge will be in each others homes and hearts to those who need a place that is safe. The only unity will be that of love. It won’t be controlled, ruled over or manipulated. The leaders will not find them selves having more power – just more of their own lives to lay down. The city will not be “taken for Christ.” Christ instead, will be received into that city – received into the hearts and minds of individual people who will be changed – thus changing their surroundings.
I would love to hear and read about what you think about this phrase. Please consider yourself tagged. You can answer anything you want about what it means to you when you hear the words, “take our city for God.” But I kind of already know what those whom I read will answer. I already know their hearts and have read their writings enough to know I will be encouraged by their answers. The people I would love to hear from are those who lurk around these sites who read and never write anything. So if that is you today, consider yourself tagged. If you don’t have a blog to link to in the comments section just leave it as a long comment and be sure to tell people over at Windblown Hope that you are chiming in on this one.
Blessings
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
But What Does It Matter
When Father wants to adjust something in my thinking I find he usually speaks to me from different viewpoints, people and perspectives and then in Perfect Storm fashion he brings it all together.
This happened the other day and I find myself more at peace with my charismatic roots and those out there who are still in the middle of all the action. Some of you had a part in it.
First there was Heather. She wrote the following paragraph:
I’ve decided. I’m going to the next level in God. I’m going to be empowered by an incredible, enthusiastic, visionary leader and take this city for Christ. I’m going to be a vibrant, passionate, charismatic believer who takes excellence seriously. I’m joining a vibrant, contemporary, growing church with a powerful message that impacts the world and has a vision statement that involves loving life, loving people and loving God. I’m getting connected to a small group that will move me into that next level and take me into the unknown, teaching me to drink that living water and walk by faith. I have a vision for this nation, I’m going to see revival sweep across this land.
And….Unfortunately, after all those years of proclamations, nothing changed. I didn’t change. I got whipped up into a frenzy, but I certainly didn’t impact anybody around me. I most definitely didn’t get to any “next level”. I really wonder what the “next level” is anyway.
Then Jeff, picking up on the same theme writes about how he is feeling about statements like these and also the happenings in Lakeland, FLa. He talks about how he knows so much of it is really God but how he is still so offended by all the hype and religiosity.
Others have commented on this subject the past week and I can so empathize with where they are at. I’m there too. I don’t want to go back to it. It still sickens me to some extent.
BUT.....I have seen too much. I know that God is there and some (maybe most) of the testimonies of healing are real. I have seen a man’s arm which was broken one minute and totally healed the next (complete with a doctor’s verification and x-rays) by my daughters prayer of faith. He actually looked like he was shoved backwards when she went to reach out to touch him – and she never laid a finger on him. I have seen God work in these kinds of meetings.
So what do I do with all of this? I almost stopped reading the blogs for a while this week because this bothered me so much. I didn’t want anyone else bringing up another subject until I came to peace on this one. How was I going to treat healing meetings, charismatic conferences and such? I’m not comfortable despising them in my heart when I know that Father still shows up and does miraculous things.
Then I found an answer. It came in two ways.
His question to the audience was how in the heck did Paul get to the place where he could say, ‘But what does it matter?” This was PAUL. The guy who confronted people. Who challenged doctrine. Who got in Peter’s face. How could he say that he was ok with people preaching whose motives were false or that were doing it out of selfish ambition?
Kent goes on to explain Paul’s view of how very big God was. How he was sure that He was in control. How Paul understood that even with his revelation that was given him, it was still a mystery to him. No one knew everything there was to know. Paul did not even know it in full. So to Paul, he just wanted the message to get out and people to be touched. God was big enough to sort it all out.
The second voice was Molly from Adventures in Mercy. She is talking about how to deal with others who are still in the camp she left. She says,
And while it really bothers me that I’m like that, usually I don’t even realize I am. It’s only in retrospect, during the hours when sleep won’t come and I replay events in my mind, realizing just how grace-less I was in my interactions. My friends and acquaintances who continue to hold my former beliefs: do they have the right to continue to hold things dear that I now reject? Do I treat them with grace and honor despite our (now) differences, or do I make them endure the thing I so hate? “Ahem. Perform properly so that I can love you.”
I need to chill out. I need to be glad that people are being touched by God in a “revival” in Florida. I’m not happy with the excesses or the fact that I would be more comfortable if it spilled out to the streets and was not caught up in just a few personalities. I’m not happy when I sense that the people up front are not aware that their sweeping statements might actually hurt some. I’m not happy that it is not clean and neat and no one comes away wounded. But I am happy for the little girl that got healed. I’m grateful to my Father for touching her that night. I need to find room in my heart that can embrace what people are doing to touch those around them. I need to give them the room I would wish that they would give me.
And so today, like Paul I will say, “But what does it matter.” I can continue to speak out on doctrine and abusive practices that contradict the heart of the Father and are most likely to hurt people that live under them. What I can’t do is paint myself into a corner where I only can hear from or relate kindly to those who think just like me. If I do, I have learned nothing and there has been no change in me from what I was last year.
Best Friend’s advice to me is almost always the same. She says, “It will all come out in the wash.” I just need to remember to use the powder marked as Grace and it really will all be ok.
Monday, May 5, 2008
May Synchroblog - One Year Checkup
Glenn's Synchroblog comes at a good time for me. It is a good time for an evaluation. It was a year ago this week that we left our group here. I mostly face this week with an extreme gratefulness to those of you that read this blog for your encouragement to me this year. Honestly, I’m not sure what I would have done without your love, encouragement, the transparency of your own stories and the ability to be myself among you.
Glenn askes us 4 questions of which I have answered below.
How am I doing?
I think I am doing fine. (of course an outside opinion is always appreciated!) I am looking forward to the next year with anticipation. I have no idea what it will hold but I am at peace that my Father loves me and wants to walk through this year with me. Here are the biggest 3 that I could think of that play into this question:
I still miss belonging to a group. It is a heady experience to have a group of people around you who believe the same things, are committed to the same goal and who don’t disagree on most any point. I have found that this was not a healthy place but it met needs of belonging that I still struggle with today.
I am wary of much of the groupthink of Charismatic Christianity. I will have a post about this in the coming week of what Father has impressed on me as I deal with groups that may be similar to my old group.
I am still concerned about fellowship for my kids. It is easy for us to make the time and get out with friends and encourage each other in our lives. But to take away the physical structure of a body of believers where my 13 year old son can meet other Christians is to limit him from having that fellowship. I told him last night that if he wants to visit a group and get involved with them that his dad and I would totally support him. I get the whole letting God direct our involvement with other believers that people like Wayne Jacobsen teaches about….I just wonder how it works for our kids. Actually if it were not for my kids and worrying about them I would be totally at peace with where we are right now.
What are you doing?
Mostly, I am continuing in immersing myself in the gospel of Grace. I am living a simple and quiet life and trying to love those that come into my house. I run a small business out of my home that keeps me working on a part to full time basis. I have three boys in school, one daughter that is in college and another who is working part time from home and still healing from adrenal fatigue and other complications. My parents in their mid 80’s live just a few steps from my back door and need minimal care at this point in their lives. Another daughter lives in town and pops in from time to time. And the last daughter is with her husband in Philly. I am totally in love with Husband and we have gotten to know each other so much more this year. We have not joined any formal group or church at this time and spend our weekends mostly with each other our kids and a few dear friends.
What are you learning?
As I look back over the past year’s posts I am amazed at not what I have learned but what the Father has been able to teach me. Mostly it has been a year of deconstruction and self evaluation. Simply put, and to quote The Shack, I have learned that Father is very fond of me. I can’t explain in a thousand words all that this little sentence means to me. It deals with themes of forgiveness, acceptance, delight, joy, hope, peace, awareness and on and on. It truly embodies what I have been learning this year.
What are you dreaming about?
This is the hardest question on Glenn’s list. It is hard because in so many ways it makes me feel guilty. We are supposed to dream about things right? Dreams are visions of what makes us have hope. But I am not at the point yet where I have any dream. It is still too hard. The dreams that others instilled in me were not even reality. As Heather said the other day we had dreams of moving to the next level with God, taking our city for God and walking in more and more power with Him. All of those were debunked as I realized that they were just buzz words used to make people think that they were doing something important for God. And so the whole area of dreams has been dashed on the rocks of reality and I’m not sure of myself enough to dream again. In many ways, I’m afraid to dream again. I don’t want to be disappointed. I live with the hope that Father walks through today with me and for me.....right now….that is enough.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Amazing Spring - How Sweet Her Sound
But today, I want to tell you about my new tag line.
I went from “My Journey from the Institutional Church into the Father’s Heart....
To... “My Journey into the Heart of Grace.
I changed it because that is where I find myself after almost exactly a year. I no longer feel like I am journeying away from anything but toward a "Someone. "
I decided a week ago as I saw Spring suddenly burst forth in our Pennsylvania hills that Grace must look a lot like Spring.
Spring is fresh and new and colorful.
Spring sings of promise, new beginnings and hope.
Spring gives permission to live again.
Spring declares that we are no longer afraid of the cold winds.
Spring reminds us it is time to finally clean out those
old leaves and debris of last year around the corners of my life.
Spring begs me to plant something new.
Spring encourages me that the long winter is finally over.
Can you see how I can substitute the words of Spring for the words of Grace?
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Dying the Cloth with Grace
The first time I read Wayne Jacobsen’s writings (who writes so much about Grace in anything he is writing or talking about) I told Husband that I felt as if I needed to listen to the book (He Loves Me) again and again. I felt as if the “cloth” of my spirit could only absorb just a little bit of this wonderful Grace that he was speaking about and that it would take multiple times of hearing it to be able to wrap my mind and my spirit around this concept before it began to make a major change in my actual life.
In reading the book, “Families Where Grace is in Place” I again had the same feeling about being dipped yet again in this vat of dye called Grace. I realize that there are areas of my life that it is really helpful to have Grace applied specifically to that one area. The area of Grace that this book addresses is of course marriage and parent/child relationships. It is a life changing, life giving message to these relationships and I can already see how it is beginning to give me perspective on what is God’s job and what is my job. How I can give input into Husband’s and my children’s lives but I don’t have to effect the actual change. Nor is it my fault if change is not the outcome.
The biggest way I tried to effect change in the people around me was to be the BEST wife and mom that was possible. I felt if I could be the perfect mom that my kids would love me enough to want to obey me. That if I was the best wife for Husband that he would always choose what I wanted. That if I could be the BEST member of our CLB (church left behind) that they would never question my loyalty.
It was amazing to me that this was just a form of manipulation. I was manipulating the people around me by trying to not make any mistakes. No wonder I got so very tired. I used to say I (my personality) was nothing but the sum of all the expectations of others. I never understood that this was MY FAULT. Of course I was nothing but a bag of expectations – but they were my own expectations – put on me by me.
And I was tired. And I was worn. And I was ready to give up.
But Grace gets this job thing right. It is not my job to control people – not through anger, or sham or threat or by being the best you can be. Grace says, “This part is my part, that part is God’s.” Grace says that I don’t have to make people do what would make me happy. Grace lets me be me and it allows others to be themselves – and above all Grace loves through it all.
Erin nominated me for a “Subversive Blogger Award” yesterday. I decided that if this new message of Grace and the color my heart is being transformed into is “Subversive,” then I accept the award with great delight.