Stages of Grief/Blogging

Wikipedia, in its article about the stages of grief gives the five commonly known stages that people go through while experiencing grief of all sorts. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Today, while I had a few minutes to catch my breath in the middle of both my busy season at work and my father's decline in health I pondered those stages. Many of you are asking why we are not blogging about the church or our situations as much as we were last year at this time. I realized today that in a lot of ways, the stages of my blogging mirrored the stages in my grief over our church situation. I wonder if many of you are like me too.

In the beginning, there was the denial. I just did not want to believe these people would not turn around and be my friend again. I did not want to believe that they would simply turn away from our leaving without coming to reconcile the seeming dichotomy of what they knew of our lives and what was being said (or not said). I could not believe that if I could figure out the inconsistencies of the doctrine and practice that they would also soon figure it out. Denial was a large part of the beginning of my journey and then my blogging.

Anger. Oh how the anger phase fueled my fingers as they ranted and exposed and cried out for justice. I almost look back on that phase with a bit of longing. I was feeling, thinking, reacting and if nothing else, I felt alive. I tried to "tone it down" because some friends were reading, but trust me, it was born out of the anger I felt for being duped and then in turn duping others as I was their leader. I was just waiting for God to get a clue and straighten them all out and show everyone that we were right!!

I think for me, I skipped right over bargaining to depression. I remember posts that I would weep over. Nights where I would dream of former friends and then spend the next day in a fog. I did not want to do anything. All the pleasures of life were reduced to gray - no color. Even in this phase it fueled the mind to write. I needed to reach out of my pit and at least know that others were around who understood me. You all were great. You reached right back and loved me. I think the time of depression would have lasted much longer with graver consequences if it were not for the online community that I experienced.

The bargaining phase though did pop up here and there. I wanted to offer God something else that might work. I wanted community like I had before. I wanted to belong again. I wanted the "church" to change so that I could belong. I entered a period of wondering how the "church" could be structured so as to prevent any abuse of power. How would we all get together to pray and share and learn?

And then, somewhere in the past few weeks and months I think the last phase has descended. Acceptance. I have learned to accept the place where I am. I have learned to accept my kids, my husband and my friends just as they are. I accept the "church" and realize that while others may go and find a place of community, I will probably not ever be there again. Acceptance that the friends God places around me are the friends that I am to have - no more - no less. Acceptance that the times around my dinner table or out to eat are my church. Acceptance that my kids, their friends and their parents are here for me to love.

Most of all this acceptance phase has decided to accept the path that the Father has seemed to place us on. Maybe we are crazy. Maybe we are hard of heart or even more likely, hard of hearing. But, as much as I may not really love it all of the time, it is where we are.

The thing lately that has brought me peace in this place of acceptance is a memory. When Nathan, (now 14), was born, I distinctly felt that the Father told me that I was to give him a middle name of Dabar. Dabar is a Hebrew word for "a new thing." Of course, back in my old group we were always looking out for the next NEW THING!!! that was just around the corner. I thought maybe he was to be a great leader, prophet, evangelist. But just the other day I was reminded of his name and it made me laugh a bit. What if this "new thing" is the absence of all of the old stuff. What if the Father wants my kids brought up outside the confines of the institutional church? What if He wants to teach them about himself - all by himself - in an organic kind of existence?

I guess I'll never know really. All I know is that today as I look back and evaluate, I am at a place of acceptance like never before. I feel like I have finally sunk to the bottom of a warm ocean, I have sand beneath my feet and I am stable for the first time in a long time. I'm surrounded by the sea of His love. I breathe in the water and am amazed that I can exist in this place with such health.

Not much to write about down here. But it is nice.

Responding VS Initiating

I think one of the biggest changes I see in myself these days is the anticipation returning that God will do something in and around me. Let me explain though because it differs from what I was like before in my Charismatic life.

Three years ago we were always planning for God. We would plan worship services so He could be with us. We would plan for the non-Christians so that we would be ready for them. We would get prayed for so that we would be ready to hear the Holy Spirit. We would give so that we were ready to get what was coming to us. We were always trying to help God out or be in such a position that we would not miss Him when He showed up.

It fostered an atmosphere of expectancy - to be sure. But so very often that expectancy was dashed as again, God did nothing spectacular that day. This left me, at least, feeling like I was not doing enough, preparing enough or somehow was deficient in some way. It also left me constantly looking around and being judgmental. Who was not doing their part, who had sin in their life, what was the hold up - "is it something you are doing?"

After two years of just refusing to prepare for anything I find something very interesting happening.

1. I have an awareness of God's presence that is unlike anything I experienced in those meetings where He was touted to be there "IN POWER." I"m not afraid this presence will leave me. It is pervasive. It is just here. I can't explain it other than that. He is with me. It is not exciting as much as comforting. It is not powerful as much as it is kind. It is not life changing as much as it is life transforming.

2. I find myself responding to Him instead of preparing for Him. When He speaks to me, I am amazed and grateful but I don't expect the same thing to happen in the same way the very next day or week. I don't try to get Him to do it again. I love it but He is under no obligation to perform at my will.

3. When I recognize His hand or his voice in something I am delighted. I used to be so anxious and actually a bit ticked at Him all of the time. After all, I was working so very hard and he rarely gave me any indication that He was helping out. But now it is a calm delight that settles into my soul when I actively see Him speaking or doing.

4. I realize that I could not reproduce what he just did or said even if I tried very hard. Here's an instance of that. The other day I was mulling over Grace and how it has changed my life. Sometimes I find myself feeling like I'm on a slippery slope into oblivion with nothing to hang onto. (I'll explain this more in another post) But out of nowhere I realized that if I were truly slipping down this slope and in danger of losing anything I would have the handhold of His goodness to catch myself on. It then came to me that when Moses wanted to actually see God, God placed him in a cleft of a rock and caused his Goodness to pass before Moses. I was amazed that when God let someone see him, the part of his Glory that he chose to show was his Goodness.

It was like tumblers falling into place as the Father spoke to me of his Goodness that morning. I was suddenly surrounded by a tangible feeling of His Goodness. It took all the anxiety away from wondering if I was on a tangent. I realized that God, in his Goodness would rescue me and always provide a safe place to hang onto.

But here's my point. How in the world would I reproduce that kind of experience with God? How would I form a gathering where he could speak to everyone at the same time of this fact? How in the world would I get God to tell my kids the same thing as he told me?

Answer is (I think).....I can't. All I can do is respond. All I can do is be willing to let him speak or act. Maybe out of the overflow of my heart I could share this with my kids or a friend or two. Maybe they too will be blessed by what happened to me. But what I want for them is the same comfort to know that when the Father wants to speak to them - He will. Out of His Goodness not out of our preparing for Him.

And so I find myself here....at this spot....simply responding to what He is doing. If He does nothing or says nothing I will wait. I truly hope this is OK. It goes against everything Church Lady believed.

Hope Deferred - A Heart Flat Lined

When I began this blog in June of 2007, I began to write primarily for one purpose - that was to help anyone else out there who has left behind a group similar to mine. The stories of others were a lifeline to me as I exited and began my life apart from my former church. Their stories still help me as I find keys to understand where I was and what I was dealing with. So in that vein, here is something I realized about myself this week - this one much to my shame and chagrin.

(I talked the other day of feeling like every color that I once experienced seems to be all shades of gray now. This is related to that.)

I noticed when my daughter asked me to go to a movie a week ago that I had no desire to go. In fact, as I looked at myself, I saw that actually I had no desire to do anything. Nothing seemed to "spark" my interest at all. I have found no interest in reading (a favored pastime of former years), no interest in a movie, food, friends, traveling or anything. It is like my emotions and zest for life had flat lined. Even a potential trip to see my sister in Mexico - something that I knew I would love and enjoy - seemed to be insurmountable to actually just sit down and book the tickets.

I pondered this over the next few days. Then something hit me. I was reading another 'prophecy' from a former prophetic type person that I had followed in years past. They had released a prophecy for 2009. In it, they talked about the inevitable "transfer of wealth" that the Christians could expect in the year 2009. I remembered this being prophesied over our body for the past 12 years at least. Marsh and I had received several "words" personally.

Now, if asked, we would have said that the wealth that was supposedly to be dumped in our laps was to be used on missions type projects. It would be used for the "Kingdom of God." But the other day it occurred to me that my heart had been twisted up in this promise of future wealth - and to my dismay, I realized that I was hoping for the wealth primarily for.... ME.

See, if I had wealth enough to build a home for orphans in Belize, I could imagine that I would oversee the project flying first class instead of coach and staying at a nice resort while I was there. If I could afford to build the body a new worship center, I would certainly be wealthy enough to afford that new Mercedes that always caught my eye. If I gave a million away to charity in a year, staying at a 5 star resort in the Bahamas for our family vacation was not out of reach, right?

So to my embarrassment, I had to admit that each year as I looked forward to the 'new thing' that God was going to do, I had my dreams and hopes for a financially prosperous lifestyle hanging on that expectation. It was always like standing on tip toe, constantly waiting for the next huge surprise to come your way. You can put up with a lot of crap now if you think that you will be a millionaire next year. Hope is a wonderful thing. Excitement is fun to feel.

But now that I realize that all those prophecies were wrong, that all those promises of wealth were empty and that the scriptures used to support them are bogus for us today, I am left with the realization that this year will probably look a lot like last year and the year before it. We will work hard, pay our bills, hope for less breakdowns in our stuff and maybe experience some success in our savings accounts.

Folks that looks bleak compared to maybe becoming a millionaire this next year complete with the BMW and Bahama vacation. And without that....with that hope (rightly) taken away....my emotions have flat lined. What do I have to look forward to today, this week, this month or this year? What can compare to the former dreams and hopes? What will give me a new excitement and hope like that one did?

I have repented of my selfish, greedy heart. Father had already forgiven me. He wasn't surprised by the revelation. He saw it all along.

I ask Him today to return sanity to my life. Spending time with my daughter while we enjoy a movie together is supposed to be a good thing. It is supposed to give me something to look forward to. Normal people enjoy this. I need to enjoy it too.

No, it is not as exciting as becoming the next millionaire but this, at least, is based in reality and I am determined to live there now instead of the fantasy land of yesteryear.

It is said that, "hope deferred makes the heart sick." I think even false hopes can do this. I need the Healer of hearts to come and return mine to normal again. I'm ready for my emotions to have the normal highs and lows and to be able to look foward to something again.

Rescue Parade - Please Participate!!

Rescue Parade – Please Add Your Announcement

Tracy at The Best Parts the other day wrote of a Rescue Parade that someone hosted for the pugs (a type of dog) that have been rescued and claimed by owners who are now taking care of them. Some have been restored to perfect health and others still bear the scars of their horrible lives. As each one comes out they get a thunderous round of applause as they walk or in some cases are carried by their loving owners.

She says this about the experience of watching this and what the Father quickened in her spirit:

“I think the reason that both The Rescue Parade and the movie trailer touch me so deeply is because they are both shadows of a far greater spiritual reality. I love Acts 3:20-21 which talks about the restoration of all things. All. I believe in the end even the trees shall be fully restored (see Isaiah 55:12). Nothing will escape the love of God in His plan to restore all things.

It got me to thinking: I wonder if God will have a Rescue Parade at the end of time? Can you hear the thunderous applause, both for the created ones as well as for the Creator, as every created being circles the throne? The contrast of our former lives, filled with limping, blindness, poverty, oppression, and destroyed relationships compared to our new lives of joy unspeakable where every tear has been wiped away forever will cause all of us to come undone in a celebration like we cannot even imagine.”

As I read this post from somewhere deep in my spirit I could hear the Heavenly Rescue Parade that I would someday be a part of. I penned this which I left as a comment at Tracy’s site:

I wrote:

And this next woman is named Barbara. She was rescued from a life of Religion. She thought her God was mean, angry and demanding but when introduced to the Real Me, she was wonderfully saved and delivered. She went on to love those around her with compassion and beauty the rest of her life.

Abmo spontaneously added his:

And the next guy is Nestus. He was rescued from a small dark room where he chose to hide. He kept his distance because he thought God only loved others. He was introduced to The Father who knows him inside and out and suddenly he began to see others who hide in small dark rooms. He went on to love those around him and became a rescuer of others in dark places. When asked about it he said, "Hu? I only did what I saw my Father doing."

Then Tracy herself wrote:

And here comes Tracy, who formerly thought she had to do it all alone with complete independence. Because of this, it took her awhile to learn total dependence on Papa and on His Son's life within her, but she grew in these areas with every passing year.

And then Karen (SoCal) Wrote:

Here's Karen...... my precious one, who I loved from the beginning, but she didn't know it. So she lived in self-doubt, afraid to trust herself, seeking approval and validation from others. When she saw a glimpse of the real me she thought it was too good to be true and was afraid to believe. But she did believe and she did receive and she discovered that the truth is truly much more wonderful than she ever imagined.

Co-heir added his:

And here's Fred, who was stuck in a system where he had to have all the right answers all the time. I taught him to question and through the questions I slowly changed him into someone who looks like Jesus.

And next our friend Jeff McQ:

...and here's Jeff, who grew up with a Messiah complex, somehow believing he needed to be perfect, weighed down with the expectations of performance and a drive to somehow fulfill his great calling instead of trusting Me with his destiny. This pressure used to weigh on him so heavily that it drove him to compulsive behaviors. That weight is being removed from his shoulders as he realizes that he is free to be a human being, the same as everyone else--and is no less loved for it. He enjoys his life much more now.

Place of Grace (Annette) is delightfully next:

...and here is Anette, whom I loved all along. Even while she thought she should deserve my love by saving everyone else all by herself. I am so glad she eventually caught on and accepted that I do not want anything she can give, only what I have made in any case - herself!!

Tyler Dawn is brought on by her Maker who says:

Next comes Tyler Dawn, who used to love to have her religious owners praise her whenever she sang for them. She thought they loved her so much until she stopped and they said, "Bad girl!" She found herself out on the street and thought she was an orphan until she met her new daddy who picked her up and hasn't stopped saying "Good girl" ever since.

Brad enters with:

… and here’s Brad. I found him in what looked like the near-terminal stage of Nice Disease. Insidious spiritual autoimmune disease that it is, Niceness sends one searching externally for meaning in friendships, activism, and occasional grandiose acts of public pseudo-kindness – yet all the while attacking internally with self-inflicted guilt and shame. As in all forms of fear, Nice Disease eventually leads to panic or, as in his case, the coldness of depression. But now that he’s been rescued, he’s gradually warming up to the love of the Father, the leading of the Spirit, and joy in the Son. These give him reason to get up each morning to greet the dawn, not just face another day of pretense. Through restoration of soul and installation of hope, his imagination has been unlocked at last to foresee a bright and redemptive future … and each day, that helps melt a bit more of the “ice” in the Nice, and what’s underneath is revealed as “real.”

Next may I introduce Dave Aldrich?

So here's Dave A. He sees much of what other folks have written here about their journeys in his own. Most of his life he believed he had to be perfect because he figured that most others were except for him. He gave up trying a long time ago but the scars of insecurity, pessimism and a self-loathing spirit remained... until Father began to lift the veil from his eyes. Then he began to see his true identity and the immeasurable love Papa has for him. Now he is understanding true love, true purpose, and the only real and worthy identity is Christ in us as us.

And lovingly He introduces vestaoikos:

I would like to introduce My fair child. I found her crumpled in severe rejection and had to softly cleanse her from the brine of unforgiveness. If only she could see the beauty that I see in her. I cleansed her soft dove eyes from the slimes of distrust and held her repeatedly against My bosom, letting My Spirit enfold every fibre of her. My light cracked her cast of 'I'll do whatever to be accepted'. This woman, fellow children, is My fair child of whom I am proud.

Getting There, a new friend of Barb's who is still reeling from some wounds, comes next with:

Here is one who was somewhat like the lady in the kitchen always serving instead of sitting at the feet of Jesus. She served at the church with all her heart only to find false teaching, control and manipulation within the church she loved so dearly. After sharing her concerns, she has been excommunicated, no one has contacted her and these were her friends for years. She am in detox phase.. scared of church to some extent but she wants to go to church. So she is a process of re evaluating things and leaning on Me, the bible and the power of the cross to get her through this time.

Kathyescobar joyfully enters with:

oh and there's kathy. had it not been for the love of some dear friends who took her in and begin to teach her that she really was valuable and loved, she would have spent her life believing that she was nothing more than her past behavior and she deserved to be beaten. she'd try hard to please but never could seem to. it was exhausting. after being rescued from the confines of legalism & shame, she's learned how to rely on her Master, and trust that he really does love her just how she is. we've seen a lot of shifts in her the past few years and she's finally learning that she's safe. she's secure. she's loved.

And here is Sarah, whom I love next"

..who was running fast and hard down a path of total self-destruction. I snatched her up just in time and held her until her wounds of childhood abuse and spiritual abuse were healed. I spoke softly to her with words of kindness. I made her a friend, and she learned that I could be trusted. I have steadily been at work to continue to free her from tainted worldviews, cultural grids, and other misperceptions. We are getting closer as I show her Who I really am, how I see things, and what I am *really* like. I have taught her to enjoy asking me many, many questions!

Next, is a woman that to you, will remain Anonymous, but to me she is known and loved dearly:

When I found her, she was so desperate and grateful to be rescued. It took many years of persistent gentleness before she trusted My love for her and no longer shrank back from Me. As she was restored, she became eager to help in rescuing others. Before her dreams were realized, she became broken in ways that won't allow her to be a rescuer. I hope that she will trust my love and faithfulness in her dependence and suffering.

Here is Joe, known and loved:

Then there's Joe, a drunk and a problem with love for himself and others. He meets Jesus but then transfers his old feelings onto his image of God. So God hates a lot of people and excludes a lot of people. Then Joe has a revelation...God is Love. Joe begins to love. He loves people. He loves himself. He is given love from Father to do this. It's no longer about whose 'in' or 'out', its about love, unconditional, unmotivated, unquenchable love.God is love.

Larry comes next with:

...and then there is Larry. Larry would tell you he was saved by Grace, but he acted like he was saved by works. It took this thick-headed child many years to understand the true ramifications of Grace. It took him even longer to stop judging others in his mind. He's getting much more healthy and mature now. He finally realizes that he doesn't know everything and is learning to truly believe Me.

Oh, and have you met Ruth?

and then there's me, Ruth. Saved by grace '95, then utterly confused by religion and religious happenings thereafter. Gently restored by the Father to the Son's embrace; kept there by His tender love ! Childlike, I forsook the cloak of religion & jumped out of the comfort and insanity of religion. Now I just look for the beauty of Jesus in those I am privileged to meet up with each & every day! The one thing I can count on is Love, His Love, it will abide forever !

And please welcome Old Pete!

As I've said, I don't know where to start. I guess what I'm really saying is that this is my story, I have no idea how this might be helpful to others - or even who it might be helpful to - maybe as a sounding board for some in the earlier stages of detox?I am finding it more and more difficult to remember what I have said and written over the years. I seem to have this knack of asking the awkward questions to which there are no easy answers. Is that what some people need?I remember seeing the suggestion that the ultimate vision is to have no vision of our own - perhaps I'm getting close to that!

And here is Tera Rose, I know her as Jane.

....always knowing that she belonged to the Father at a young age, loving Jesus and believing in his goodness....until she tried to figure out how she could be good enough for him and searched...and found herself in places that appeared to be beautiful and holy...and trusted in shepherds that well, you know, turned out to be wolves in sheeps clothing...and now sits beneath the apple tree wondering, not if God exists, but What God is...and Who she is...and aching to have the infantlike trust...but grateful for the growing up process..believing in God...but not the church...wanting to walk like Him..but not with his people...wondering if it all amounts to the fact that she is simple of two minds; sitting on the fence; straddling two worlds...to be spit out in the end.

Next we have Deacon & Usher

Committed since the Jesus movement, strong worship musicians (truly believing we were not performing - not)for 30 years, loyal to a fault - all believing that ordination would signal arrival - it didn't - had to shut down a church as a layman to keep leaders from continuing abuse of the people - sought out a less "cultish" environment only to find the same results. Left the modern church when covenants, egalitarianism and academia became the most important issues and not grace or God. We threw off the clothes, dumped the titles, resorted to living day-to-day and are enjoying being what God made us - buzzards under grace.

Our latest entry is made by Dr. Paul, who joins the line saying:

here - a recovering pastor who has been rediscovering the grace of God after wandering in the wilderness of graceless religion for far too long.

Discovered the significant impact of internalized-shame on relationships and spirituality as well as its power to resist grace and healing. We all carry "original shame" that lies to us about our worth and God's love. Not only is it not addressed in most churches, it is actually used to activate people to do more (to be enough) and to conform (to not be shamed by the community/leaders).

Carolyn enters with this from her Father:

And now...here's Carolyn. She's very tender right now, so she is still a bit timid and shy with others...but she is coming along...she's healing slowly but surely.

Next is Ruth!! Welcome her with this:

And then comes another Ruth who got an e-mail several years ago from her senior pastor, telling her to step down from heading the music ministry "until you can respect the leadership of the church."

Which was wonderful, because on reading it, she realized that was just never going to happen.

Which meant she was free.

She hardly ever gets angry about the whole thing these days and is genuinely glad to not be there anymore.

And here is Fiona!

...Father opened my eyes maybe 18 months ago, when I pulled one thread and found the whole garment of the church unraveled. At first I was grief stricken, and angry, realizing some of the travesties that are taught in Jesus name, and how they hurt people. But now I am so much more joyful in my faith; understanding freedom in a way I didn't before; no longer attending an organized church, but walking the journey Father has for me, learning as I go, and having been blessed by the company of some others on a similar path that were led there independently. I truly desire others to enjoy the true freedom we have in Christ, but I know only Father can lead them there, in His time, working in their hearts. So I talk and write to those who are interested, as I feel led, and trust that Father will grow His real Kingdom - not the man-made imitation, though sometimes both are present in the one place. Still have stuff to work through - the internal things I took on board even subconsciously through 20 odd years in Pentecostal megachurches. But I trust that Father knows what He is doing in Me!

These made me weep as I read them. Our lives as believers do have Hope! If you would like to participate in our Bloggers Rescue Parade and write what you think could be said about your life, please leave it in the comments section and I will put it on the main page as it comes in.

Blessings to all of you this weekend. May the Spirit of God whisper into your ear how very much he longs for this day.

One For The Leavers - From Abmo

Abmo at Windblown Hope has been blogging one year today. I started to leave him a comment on how instrumental he has been in our lives and it got so long that I decided to post it here. This will give new readers an idea of why he is on my reader list.

Dear Abmo,

On December 12th of last year I left a comment and asked you to TELL ME HOW TO LIVE THIS LIFE!! I was frustrated, running out of hope and didn't know where to turn. I wanted to know what was next. You emailed me back these 7 questions and said the following:

"It is unfortunate that I cannot "show" you how we live or what we do. On the other side it is fortunate that I cannot "show" you. This is a struggle that is meant for you alone. Like Jacob (Gen 32:24) it is a wrestle with God in the dark. BUT I can give you hints in the form of questions that you can mull over in this time...:-)

1)Who is Jesus FOR YOU? What do you know of His character? What did He struggle with? Is He as fickle as us? Does He change? What is His love like? What can you do in order to make Him love you more?

2)If you were the only person on this planet, what would your relationship with Jesus look like? What would you "do" for Him? Could you do anything for Him? What does your relationship with Him look like?

3)Who are you? Have you made peace with yourself? Are you a loved person?.....by Jesus. Are you a liked person?.....by Jesus. What does surrender look like? I like the word "brokenness". Can you tell me why?

4)Time. Is God in a hurry? Is every moment holy? Is there a thing such as a time away from God? Do you have to meet people once a week to develop a special bond with them?

5)What does your everyday life look like? Mundane/ordinary? Is God present in the mundane/ordinariness of your life? He came to set the captives free. Free from what?

6)What is the church? (What you know of church has to die completely).

7)Our struggle is usually between right and wrong. Is there a third option?

A lot of questions. Some answers take a long time to be born. When it is time. Give yourself time. I will be praying for the scary part.

As I look over these questions today, I realize that only through the Father addressing each of these questions in His own time allows me to be who and where I am today. Thank you for not giving my husband and me a plan to follow or even your journey to emulate. Instead you gave the most important questions I have had posed to me - ever - in my life. They were the questions that seemed to be on the heart of the Father to answer in our lives. They were insightful and prophetic. I kept the email and check back to it almost monthly to see what Father has been teaching me about them.

I am grateful to have been able to read along on the window that you (and your wife) have provided. I have benefited so much from your encouragement. I remain grateful.

Barb

On The Selling of Donkeys, Bright Lights and Charismania

You need to understand something before you read this post. I love Graham Cooke. Of the men in my stream of Charismatic faith that I am most familiar, he is the one voice that I consistently love to hear. His understanding of the Father and His ways, leave others behind in the dust. His teachings have pulled us through so many hurtful times in our lives where we have brokenly asked the Father to give us some sort of revelation on what we were experiencing. Add to that my delight in reading him say that the minute he gets a business card from someone and sees the word “apostle” before the name he throws it immediately into the trash and I was a fan for life.

The other day though I listened to a short 10 minute clip (view here if you like) of a story he told of a man in the midst of going about his busy life, who suddenly hears weeping from his neighborhood that no one else on the sidewalk can hear. After a few days of feeling like he was crazy he understood it to be a sound that God wanted him to hear. It changed this man’s life and it has changed the neighborhood that he now lives in and loves.

I loved the story and am still glad that after coming out of much of “charismania” I still believe that God does things like this. But at the end of the story, Graham does something that I believe epitomizes the charismatic renewal and the major problem that I have with the whole thing.

He says this at the end of the story: “It makes you really wonder about what sounds we are too busy to listen to. And I wonder sometimes if we stopped on the street and listened in the realm of the spirit…Would we be able to hear the sound that God is hearing in a neighborhood, in a community. And if we heard that voice…what might God be asking of us? What request might come from heaven that might radically change our life.”

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have gone there. My problem with the exhortation that Graham gives at the end is this: Why take this story and make it about us and what we need to be doing? Why not glory in the fact that we have a God who, when He wants us to hear Him, makes sure we can. A God who wants to communicate with us. A God who will not be missed. A God who, even if we are busy on our own path - as this man was - will still break into our world and speak to us. Why take this story and then make it something that we have to do? Something we have to replicate?


This story is not primarily about us trying to hear God!!! It is about God making Himself heard! (and of a man's obedience when he hears God) It is a story of hope. It is not a story of “should” or duty.


In my old church - we would have used this story to start a new ministry of going around our neighborhoods trying to hear the voice of God. It would bring the guilt of not doing something (in this instance - listening for the voice of God) and the anxiety that we would miss something big - which always seemed to be accompanying my life :)


And that is what charismatics do so well. They take a “happening” of God. A healing, a time of visitation, a time of soaking, a time of laughter and joy, a time of weeping or a really great story and try to duplicate it the next night and the next night. Suddenly you have the “anointed” one that will bring this “happening” to your group. Soon he will have conferences to speak at and books to write so that others can have this happen to them too. It becomes about the man or woman and not about the God who did a work one day in a specific place at a specific time.


Of course we should have our ears attuned to what God has to say. Listening for the voice of God is a good thing to do. There is nothing evil in what Graham is saying - In fact in his defense I know that I were sitting with him and discussing this post I am sure he would agree with me. But it is a brilliant example of the replication of the charismatic experiences that we see today.


He loves me. He wants to communicate with me. And if he has something important to say He might just show up and knock me off my proverbial donkey, blind me with a bright light and speak out loud to me.


Now here's hoping that if that does happen I won't go towards the mass marketing of the selling of donkeys and bright spotlights and calling it God.

May Synchroblog - One Year Checkup

Glenn's Synchroblog comes at a good time for me. It is a good time for an evaluation. It was a year ago this week that we left our group here. I mostly face this week with an extreme gratefulness to those of you that read this blog for your encouragement to me this year. Honestly, I’m not sure what I would have done without your love, encouragement, the transparency of your own stories and the ability to be myself among you.

Glenn askes us 4 questions of which I have answered below.

How am I doing?

I think I am doing fine. (of course an outside opinion is always appreciated!) I am looking forward to the next year with anticipation. I have no idea what it will hold but I am at peace that my Father loves me and wants to walk through this year with me. Here are the biggest 3 that I could think of that play into this question:

I still miss belonging to a group. It is a heady experience to have a group of people around you who believe the same things, are committed to the same goal and who don’t disagree on most any point. I have found that this was not a healthy place but it met needs of belonging that I still struggle with today.

I am wary of much of the groupthink of Charismatic Christianity. I will have a post about this in the coming week of what Father has impressed on me as I deal with groups that may be similar to my old group.

I am still concerned about fellowship for my kids. It is easy for us to make the time and get out with friends and encourage each other in our lives. But to take away the physical structure of a body of believers where my 13 year old son can meet other Christians is to limit him from having that fellowship. I told him last night that if he wants to visit a group and get involved with them that his dad and I would totally support him. I get the whole letting God direct our involvement with other believers that people like Wayne Jacobsen teaches about….I just wonder how it works for our kids. Actually if it were not for my kids and worrying about them I would be totally at peace with where we are right now.

What are you doing?

Mostly, I am continuing in immersing myself in the gospel of Grace. I am living a simple and quiet life and trying to love those that come into my house. I run a small business out of my home that keeps me working on a part to full time basis. I have three boys in school, one daughter that is in college and another who is working part time from home and still healing from adrenal fatigue and other complications. My parents in their mid 80’s live just a few steps from my back door and need minimal care at this point in their lives. Another daughter lives in town and pops in from time to time. And the last daughter is with her husband in Philly. I am totally in love with Husband and we have gotten to know each other so much more this year. We have not joined any formal group or church at this time and spend our weekends mostly with each other our kids and a few dear friends.

What are you learning?

As I look back over the past year’s posts I am amazed at not what I have learned but what the Father has been able to teach me. Mostly it has been a year of deconstruction and self evaluation. Simply put, and to quote The Shack, I have learned that Father is very fond of me. I can’t explain in a thousand words all that this little sentence means to me. It deals with themes of forgiveness, acceptance, delight, joy, hope, peace, awareness and on and on. It truly embodies what I have been learning this year.

What are you dreaming about?

This is the hardest question on Glenn’s list. It is hard because in so many ways it makes me feel guilty. We are supposed to dream about things right? Dreams are visions of what makes us have hope. But I am not at the point yet where I have any dream. It is still too hard. The dreams that others instilled in me were not even reality. As Heather said the other day we had dreams of moving to the next level with God, taking our city for God and walking in more and more power with Him. All of those were debunked as I realized that they were just buzz words used to make people think that they were doing something important for God. And so the whole area of dreams has been dashed on the rocks of reality and I’m not sure of myself enough to dream again. In many ways, I’m afraid to dream again. I don’t want to be disappointed. I live with the hope that Father walks through today with me and for me.....right now….that is enough.

To All The Friends I've Loved Before

I’ve noticed that I’ve been able to look at Friendships in my CLB in an entirely different way this week.

I received an email from a woman who had just left her church. In the email she said this, “I've pretty much lost about 85% of my friendships at my CLB but I'm beginning to accept that.”

In responding back to her I was pondering my words. I’ve been there. Actually, I lost a higher percentage, so I felt that I might know how she might be feeling. I wanted to help her feel better. I wanted her not to be shut in with grief over this loss.

So I was tempted to write some of the following: Things such as....You will find out in the next few months who really was your friend…..Don’t worry about those that are not talking to you…..They weren’t your friends in the first place……..

Have you heard any of those or have you spoken them to yourself?

You know what???? Those statements, while they may be true are not necessarily true. I agree that statements such as these were true of a very few in my CLB. But it is not true of all or even most of my relationships there. I believe that the beliefs of the CLB has blinded their eyes to the truth of my friendship with them. They feel that they are not allowed to be my friend or that they will loose too much to be my friend. (Remember, in my CLB you loose your destiny and your covering if you disagree too much with the Apostle. This is a very scary thing to be threatened with.) They are just as blind as I was before I started recognizing that this was not a good place to be.

It may seem to make it easier if you tell yourself that they were never your friend in the first place. But I’m coming to realize that it really does not make it easier. Here’s why. If you believe they were never actually your friends then why would you grieve for them? You feel stupid to be sad for something that was a lie. You feel doubly duped that you believed in all of the CLB’s crap AND you didn’t even know that what friendship was.

I’m sorry but that is just not true! I had friends, and I know what friendship is! Therefore, it is ok for me to grieve the loss of these friends. It is ok for me to keep an open door if they ever decided to walk back into my life. I know what friendship is….It is a linking of hearts. (It is rare when only one person feels they are in a friendship and the other person does not.) I am choosing to believe that I am not that dysfunctional.

So to own up that those people who no longer associate with me truly were friends allows me to grieve but grieve without feeling stupid. It allows me to love them now and not get angry at them (for allegedly never really being my friend). It strengthens my own self confidence that I can have friendships and that I am not crazy in thinking that so many of these women and men were truly my friends. It gives me hope that I can make new friends in the future and that I am not a failure at judging true friendship. And, it allows me hope that they might come back into friendship with me. (If they never really were my friends than there is no hope of having anything in the future).

It is funny. To believe the above paragraph brings all sorts of negative emotions. Grief, over the loss. Anger, over the blindness that our CLB perpetuates. Frustration, that they can’t also see the truth or that I can’t do anything about it. Hurt, that they see in small ways what they are doing and yet still can’t see the bigger picture.

But it brings out some very positive emotions. Hope – for one – that there will be friendships renewed at a later time. Love – That in the midst of their blindness I still can continue to love them and be willing to be their friends. Self confidence – I had lots of friends before this and I am a good judge of friends. I will have and build more friendships in the future. And Relief – that it is not me that is dysfunctional and crazy.

So, to my friend who wrote me about loosing her friends and to others out there who have walked this same path, I say to you…..Grieve, Hurt, get Angry and Frustrated but don’t top all that off with the lie that you are also crazy and these people were never your friends in the first place. Come to terms with those that truly were not your friends and who only used you for their own ends but then embrace the friendships that you really did have and base your feelings on the truth.

And……To all the friends I’ve loved before…. I say to them this:

Julie,Mark,Kim,Terry,Christina,Mike,Jim,Jess,Josh,Frannie,Paulette,Bill,Ali,Tim,Patti,Adam,
Christine,Nate,Sarah,Ben,Avie,Lance,Tori,Moe,Suz,Julie,Will,Rick,Dana,JoJo,Paul,Dave,Heather,
Mike,

I love you all. My door is not locked from the inside. It is wide open and ready to welcome you at any time. You were my friends. You will remain my friends until you tell me that you no longer wish to be on that list. Even then, I will love you.

Nothing has changed. Yet everything is different.

Nothing has changed – Yet everything is different.

Nothing has changed. I love the Church. I try to gather with the Church as much as I can. I delight in the Church.

Yet everything is different. I don’t go “to” church. I don’t go to services. I don’t participate in any church activities. All my friends do not belong to the same “church.” I am not a leader in the “church.” My kids are not being raised in the "church."

Nothing has changed. I love to worship. I love worship songs that bring my heart, mind and spirit into the same place where the Spirit of Father feels real to me.

Yet everything is different. Worship is not prepackaged for me. I don’t “go” to worship anymore. If I worship it is by my own decision to make time to tell Father that I love him. Sometimes worship does not even involve singing. Sometimes it is just in the sitting and listening. Sometimes it is in the loving of someone else that Father puts in my path. Sometimes it is in preparing dinner for my family so that we can gather around the table and love each other and have Father there with us.

Nothing has changed. I love to give. I love to give an offering of money. I love to be generous.

Yet everything is different. I no longer have one basket that I put all my offerings in. I no longer give from a place where if I don’t, God will be mean to me. I no longer give out of obligation. No one ever sees me give anymore. I don’t march down front to put in my money into a basked in front of the whole “church”. I give a lot more to the poor.

Nothing has changed. I love fellowship. I love to help people grow to be a follower of Jesus. I also love to learn from others how to grow more to be like Him.

Yet everything is different. I don’t have prepackaged fellowship. There are no meetings that I attend where the “fellowship time” is set aside for me. Many friends no longer want to have fellowship with me because they perceive that I hurt them by leaving their church. Fellowship is much more intimate now – just with a few. Much like how sweet something tastes after you have eliminated sugar from your diet, this fellowship is soooo sweet. Even brief encounters with other Christians (that I don’t’ even know) at a bank or grocery story feels like the sweetest fellowship ever.

Nothing has changed. I love God. I speak to Him. I even call this “prayer” sometimes. Nothing has changed.

Yet everything is different. I have changed how I speak to Him. I sit with Him mostly and do not speak. I listen a lot more. I have changed from calling him “The” Father to just Father. I ask him for other things – not so much my own stuff anymore. I don’t pray about “church” things anymore.


Nothing has changed. I love the teaching that comes from others on the Word of God. I love to hear what they have to say.

Yet everything is different. I don’t have prepackaged teaching every Sunday morning. I have to go and search it out. Also, for the first time in my life I allow myself to question who is teaching and what they are saying. I can disagree. I can love one part and spit the other parts out. I have to decide for myself if it matches up to the Word in a way that I think that Jesus and the disciples meant it to. Another thing is different too. I learn from anyone who speaks. I am not forced to only read or hear one “stream” of beliefs. I have read or heard from staunch Presbyterians, atheists, the Reformed faith, the charismatic teachers and most lovely, those who sit around my table with me. I love to be with others who are learning new things. I’m on a journey and it is fun to have so many of you talking to me, teaching me as I go.

Nothing has changed. Yet everything is different.

And This Is My Hope

And this is my hope:

Party! by Emerging Grace

Faith With Her Sleeves Rolled Up

I love reading others' thoughts. You never know where Father will feed you from next.

I got this piece from a blogger that I am reading - Redemption Junkie. Heidi Renee got it from a blogger named Max Hsu. I don't know who he is and have never been to his site (except for this post) but these two paragraphs have captured something in my heart the past few days that have kept me coming back to read it again and again. I am assuming that he wrote it. He writes:

Eventually we will walk into the light

Hope and faith seem related, but faith is the one who stays when hope has left with a whimper. When hope gives up, faith rolls up her sleeves and asks; " What needs to be done?". Faith is the strong one. Faith does not have the luxury of self pity and despondent despair. Faith is what makes us put pen to paper when we feel like we have nothing left to say and there is no ink in our proverbial pen. Faith pushes on when hope flees. Doubt is hope's other face and who knows what face will show up because hope and doubt are flip sides of an emotion.

Faith is knowledge and action and faith remembers that we've seen hard times before and that in those hard times our needs were met and the water flowed and we had what we needed when we needed it. Faith knows what hope forgets. Faith is what enables us to become more than we are because faith is belief in action. Faith and courage are the true cousins. While we may doubt that we can cross the desert, faith knows that we can take the step we need to take today and that with enough steps, eventually we will walk into the light.

Create and live in faith.

I just love the words that when hope gives up, faith rolls up her sleeves and asks: "What needs to be done."

Another blogger was talking about faith on his blog the other day (John Carnes - Notes From the Journey) He was discussing the passage where Jesus was rebuking the disciples for their lack of faith. He points out that it was in response to their question to Jesus of, "Teacher don't you care that we drown?" that Jesus tells them they have little faith. Could it have been Jesus saying to them, "Don't you even have enough faith to know that I care for you?" (I have always understood it to mean that Jesus was ticked that they did not have enough faith to calm the waves and perform the miraculous - things that I usually suck at and thus felt guilty for not having enough faith.....sigh....it was such hard work being 'church lady')

So when I see the words that Faith says - "What needs to be done?" I realize that much of her job is to help me walk into the light that Father really does care for me - even amidst the waves and uncertainty of this life.

And maybe, if I absolutely know that He loves me - no matter what - I will maybe even - sometimes - be able to rest in this love and perform the miraculous.