Hope Deferred - A Heart Flat Lined

When I began this blog in June of 2007, I began to write primarily for one purpose - that was to help anyone else out there who has left behind a group similar to mine. The stories of others were a lifeline to me as I exited and began my life apart from my former church. Their stories still help me as I find keys to understand where I was and what I was dealing with. So in that vein, here is something I realized about myself this week - this one much to my shame and chagrin.

(I talked the other day of feeling like every color that I once experienced seems to be all shades of gray now. This is related to that.)

I noticed when my daughter asked me to go to a movie a week ago that I had no desire to go. In fact, as I looked at myself, I saw that actually I had no desire to do anything. Nothing seemed to "spark" my interest at all. I have found no interest in reading (a favored pastime of former years), no interest in a movie, food, friends, traveling or anything. It is like my emotions and zest for life had flat lined. Even a potential trip to see my sister in Mexico - something that I knew I would love and enjoy - seemed to be insurmountable to actually just sit down and book the tickets.

I pondered this over the next few days. Then something hit me. I was reading another 'prophecy' from a former prophetic type person that I had followed in years past. They had released a prophecy for 2009. In it, they talked about the inevitable "transfer of wealth" that the Christians could expect in the year 2009. I remembered this being prophesied over our body for the past 12 years at least. Marsh and I had received several "words" personally.

Now, if asked, we would have said that the wealth that was supposedly to be dumped in our laps was to be used on missions type projects. It would be used for the "Kingdom of God." But the other day it occurred to me that my heart had been twisted up in this promise of future wealth - and to my dismay, I realized that I was hoping for the wealth primarily for.... ME.

See, if I had wealth enough to build a home for orphans in Belize, I could imagine that I would oversee the project flying first class instead of coach and staying at a nice resort while I was there. If I could afford to build the body a new worship center, I would certainly be wealthy enough to afford that new Mercedes that always caught my eye. If I gave a million away to charity in a year, staying at a 5 star resort in the Bahamas for our family vacation was not out of reach, right?

So to my embarrassment, I had to admit that each year as I looked forward to the 'new thing' that God was going to do, I had my dreams and hopes for a financially prosperous lifestyle hanging on that expectation. It was always like standing on tip toe, constantly waiting for the next huge surprise to come your way. You can put up with a lot of crap now if you think that you will be a millionaire next year. Hope is a wonderful thing. Excitement is fun to feel.

But now that I realize that all those prophecies were wrong, that all those promises of wealth were empty and that the scriptures used to support them are bogus for us today, I am left with the realization that this year will probably look a lot like last year and the year before it. We will work hard, pay our bills, hope for less breakdowns in our stuff and maybe experience some success in our savings accounts.

Folks that looks bleak compared to maybe becoming a millionaire this next year complete with the BMW and Bahama vacation. And without that....with that hope (rightly) taken away....my emotions have flat lined. What do I have to look forward to today, this week, this month or this year? What can compare to the former dreams and hopes? What will give me a new excitement and hope like that one did?

I have repented of my selfish, greedy heart. Father had already forgiven me. He wasn't surprised by the revelation. He saw it all along.

I ask Him today to return sanity to my life. Spending time with my daughter while we enjoy a movie together is supposed to be a good thing. It is supposed to give me something to look forward to. Normal people enjoy this. I need to enjoy it too.

No, it is not as exciting as becoming the next millionaire but this, at least, is based in reality and I am determined to live there now instead of the fantasy land of yesteryear.

It is said that, "hope deferred makes the heart sick." I think even false hopes can do this. I need the Healer of hearts to come and return mine to normal again. I'm ready for my emotions to have the normal highs and lows and to be able to look foward to something again.

Memes and My Insecurities

The whole meme thing is stirring something in me that feels very familiar. First of all, for those who are new to the blogsphere – a meme is where someone comes up with an idea or topic and writes a piece on it. They then “tag” or name usually five others bloggers and ask them to write on the same topic. Those bloggers, in turn, write on the subject and “tag” five others and so on and so on and so on. It can range from a serious topic, like say - the condition of the church or a lighthearted topic as in - 10 things that make you happy.

Now don’t get me wrong…..Some wonderful conversations have come out of some of the memes that have gone on since I started to participate in this community in the last year. I think one of my favorites was the one on prayer – maybe because this was such an important topic for me at the time. Others have been fun and informative….some just….well….not as important to me. Have you ever seen a meme on someone’s blog and thought to yourself…..”Oh, I hope they pick me?” (Or, “Please don’t pick me?” :0)

As the last few memes have gone around and especially since Brother Maynard proposed his (which, I think was a really good one), I noticed myself reacting again in a way that seems very familiar to me. A couple of old feelings I had felt in my CLB (Church Left Behind) were stirred in me.

The first feeling is primarily a longing to belong and be important to a group of people. To be noticed. To be thought intelligent. To be the person that someone wants to hear from. To be singled out especially by people that I deem as "important." To be singled out by someone that I considered a leader - even here in the blogsphere (this, in itself is another post) was becoming important. Back in my CLB this was VERY important to me. I worked long and hard to be one of the “special" ones. It caused me to compromise what I knew was right and it caused me to treat others as a means to an end. It created stress and competition with others. I don’t want to go there again.

And then with some of the memes that tag me there comes a second familiar feeling. This feeling is the pressure to conform and the feeling of obligation. To show yourself one of the group. To show loyalty. To participate whether you really wanted to or not. To be nice even when you really don’t want to do something. (If someone tags you and you really have nothing to say, should you write something? If it does not interest you can you say, “No thanks?” ) (Bill does ;o)

See, in my CLB, whenever the leadership had an idea for a meeting or decided to bring in the newest special speaker – most of us were not asked about it. There were not many times in my memory that anyone in leadership asked the congregation or even the "inner leaders" if it was a good time in their schedules for an event or meeting to be planned. It was just announced. People were “tagged.” Your team will do the bulk of the worship, you will be needed for hospitality, we will need you for the sound, and your team for the setup, we need these finances to pay for it – you put out an email to those who own their own businesses. Every one was assumed to be on board, every one expected to be there and I always felt guilty if I couldn’t be there or didn’t want to participate. So I would participate to show loyalty and so that people would think highly of me. My husband would be pressured by me to be there. My kids would call off work so they could support the group. We were the model “Church Lady” and her family. UGH!

In my year out of church life I have loved the freedom from the pressure that I put on myself to want to belong (be tagged) and the freedom to not have to participate in something to show my loyalty or worry about what others were thinking. I thought myself free of those things.

But this whole meme thing has brought it all out in me again. Let me make this really clear. I’m not against memes that tag certain other bloggers. I’m not condemning them or you. I’m just going to be real here and let you know that from now on, if I really have something to say, I will. But if I don’t – please don’t be offended. You can tag me or not - it really doesn't matter. If I want to chime in and no one has tagged me I will. If someone tags me and I dont have anything to say, I'll say that. If it doesn't interest me, I'll just be quiet. I don’t want to play along to just belong, be loyal or not hurt someone’s feelings that tagged me. I don’t want to pressure anyone into participation that would really rather not participate.

Nor do I want to create a climate where someone is sitting at home being sad that they did not get included. I didn't pay enough attention to others in my CLB, I don't want to start doing that here. I don’t want to belong to the “in” group of bloggers. (How sad is that that I somehow think there is an “in” group – Do you see my problem?) It is just not good for me right now.

I have loved the times that memes have just grown organically. Most recently, I loved Heather’s post that generated such good discussion. I loved Erin’s post that sparked so many other great thoughts and writings. I really like Glenn’s and others’ monthly syncroblogs and the feeling that anyone can participate or not and there is no pressure. All are welcome to speak/write.

I don’t want to ever go back to feeling like I need to be something to a group of people to get my identity needs satisfied. I want to guard my heart so that my blog and my friends that read and comment here don’t’ become my new way of feeding my brokenness and insecurities. I want Father to give me that, not you guys.

By the way…my favorite book is most definitely Galatians!! And as far as a manifesto for a church -(thanks Heather) how about having a group where I don't abuse you guys to get my needs met.

(Off topic - I'm tempted to get my husband to help me come up with 10 Memes That No One Would Participate In) (Go ahead and leave your ideas - you know you want to!!!!!)

The Heart "Bent" on Worship

(Note: See Jon Birch's site for more comics like the one on the right)


Since we have left our church I have chewed on the idea of worship. I was disheartened because there was nothing in me that wanted return to a worship service. I was not sure I would even like it anymore. I was afraid to go back and the idea frankly made me a little sick. This disturbed me greatly because music is so important to my spirit. I know it can connect me to God, to others and to his body. I love music. Others, who I read about and listen to, seem to have not taken anything bad from their experiences in worship and seemingly it was the one thing that they missed the most from their institutional churches. So why did I not want to go back? What was up with that?

Robbymac blogged about worship leaders the other day in Whips, Flames and Morpheus the Worship Leader. Please read this. He defines the two kinds of worship leaders. Those that stress that you “perform” in worship and those that just worship and allow you to enter if you wish. After reading this and thinking on it, I may know a bit more of why I am so reluctant to go back to a worship service.

Now let me be the first to say that worship in my CLB was pretty stellar. Our leaders were impassioned people who did not carry a strong arm into the worship space. We were known for our worship. But at the same time there was this unsaid, unspoken idea (at least in my thinking) that if you were just sitting there while everyone else was outwardly worshiping that you were not “entering in” and could actually impede the work of the Holy Spirit. “True believers” worship freely. This meant that you could see them worship.

I was a leader in this church. I sat on the front row. I therefore, needed to put on a good front. People needed to see me worship so they could follow me and worship too. I did not want to impede the Holy Spirit. I became convinced that to truly look spiritual I needed to raise my hands, dance a bit when called for, look joyful for the joyful songs, somber for the repentance songs and passionate for the more passionate songs. I needed to somehow outwardly show that I was actually worshiping. I have realized in the past few days that I had made it into a production about me, my leadership, my godliness, my qualifications, my holiness, me, me, me.

No wonder it makes me sick now.

And that is what is so hard. Was this really taught at my CLB or was this just my own bent heart wanting to fit in and be recognized? I would love to take a survey of all that sat in the same services as I did. Was it just me? Was I the only one that believed this subtle, twisted message? Did everyone there who were raising their hands, kneeling or dancing really mean it or was it a show for some? Did we as leaders let people know that is wasn’t ok just to be there and not perform? What was actually said?

So many times I want to point my finger at the institution for all its problems and what it does to people but then I realize that the institution that is fundamentally and primarily flawed is my own heart.

For that I repent.

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Filed under: Uncategorized — jonbirch @ 12:00 am

Restitution

An Anonymous comment on the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader blog says this:

Having been the perpetrator as well as the recipient of what you have so perfectly described, I now am stuck at where to go from here. I know repentance is the first step.

How can one even begin to make restitution or amends?

I can only tell you what I have done so far. The first thing I did was become absolutely sure that what I believed I could back up in Scripture. I read the New Testament through 3 times and found every verse that dealt with leadership. I researched the Greek to see what the words meant. I became convinced that there was no hierarchy or “lording it over” those in the body. I studied other areas of tithing, covering, apostolic government, church structure (or lack thereof) and gifts.

I then repented. I spent lots and lots of time with the Father, trying to figure out just what kept me blinded by the system. I confessed to my children whom I had taught and lead into things that I had never even researched. I wrote out my confession – which you have read. I have also gone to those I felt I had hurt the worst that would speak to me and asked their forgiveness. I am also praying to be put in contact with others whom I would love to speak.

I have then been studying as much as possible to figure out just what I do believe and how I should act. Wayne Jacobsen at Life Stream has been invaluable. His message of grace has been so refreshing.

As far as making restitution - Ahhh, that is the hard part. I wish I had stolen money so I could pay it back in double. That would be easier. There is no restitution that I can think of for treating someone so badly. I can only ask forgiveness. The restitution I can give is to never act in an un-graceful way to anyone else. I won’t be perfect at that one either but at least I’ll be more aware.

I wondered if I should wade into our church body, person by person and try to “rescue” them. Trust me, if they will come and talk to me, I will try to rescue them. But if they don’t then I don’t think it is the time for them. Many people tried with me before I “got it” and all it did was make me mad. For some reason, I did not want to be “rescued.” (How I wish I had listened.)

I think in a very big way, this blog is a “restitution” of sorts. If I can help anyone else walk through what I have been through, that would be so good. If I can cause anyone else to heal a bit easier, then it will have been worth it.

Thanks to all of you who have taken time to comment. I am honored to have you read and wrestle through this with me.

The Person Formerly Known As Your Leader

Bob suggests that, at some point in time, "the system" was working for us; while we may be questioning it now, there was a time when we were getting some kind of perks or rewards from it. Bob suggests that until we, as individuals and groups, honestly deal with the areas of our lives that made us enjoy the system at one point - and repent or receive healing in those areas - we will only replicate the same dysfunctional patterns and attitudes in whatever structured or destructured group we ended up joining or creating. Robert C. Girard

This is a response to what I have read in The People Formerly Known as Series. It is a repentance. I know than many of the other writers have used the Polemic “we” but I can’t do that yet. This is personal, a confession from my heart to all of you.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader.

I was the supporting cast in our church. I was not one of the “Main” leaders. I was never paid to lead. I had “leadership roles.” I (along with my husband) was viewed as one of the supporting pillars in our community of believers. I tried not to be one of the front leaders. I simply took the vision of the church, supported it, taught it, explained it, fought for it and promised loyalty to it. For almost 20 years my husband and I have been in this role and just recently we have come to see many things we never would have thought possible.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader

All this time I worked as your leader. I was at one time or another, your small group leader, your counselor, and your ministry head (nursery, new member development, etc). I helped at various times on the worship team, the prayer team, the nursery, the elder board, the college ministry team, the hospitality team, and I’m sure a host of other teams and positions.

I am the Person Formerly Known as Your Leader

Because of all this, I need to repent and ask your forgiveness. I was wrong. I thought wrong things. I believed wrong things. I modeled wrong things. I taught wrong things. I was wrong. I have sinned against you and the others and against my grace loving, mercy giving, all powerful, all loving God.

- I repent for teaching and modeling that the “covering” of our church, my leadership, and our network would keep you from going into rebellion or deception.

- I took your private confidences and passed them on to the other leaders regardless of my telling you that I wouldn’t. I told myself that this was an accepted practice to gain wisdom in dealing with your situation. Now I see it was probably mostly to garner, in some twisted way, the favor of my leaders, to show my loyalty and to gain a better placement of myself in their leadership system.

- I taught, modeled and practiced tithing. I taught you that if you didn’t tithe, bad things would happen to you and/or your finances. Now I understand the fallacy of this. It is a fear tactic – and it is not of God.

- I did not stand up and speak up when I heard and saw something wrong being taught, lived, or modeled. In this way, you, as people who respected me had neither voice nor protection. There were many times I should have spoken up gently/humbly to correct other leaders around me. I wrongly felt that it was up to God to correct and deal with them. That it was not my “place” to correct “God’s Anointed.”

- I wanted to be seen by leaders as loyal and mostly I wanted to be in what I perceived as one of the “inner circles of friendship.” I bought their friendship with flattering words, serving them unconditionally, not making waves, not challenging them and being disloyal to what I sometimes knew was wrong. I was a religious whore.

- I taught you that with leaders, you did not have the right to expect friendship or any sort of loyalty back. I told you that you should become what I had become, completely a servant. They owed you and me nothing. I have learned to watch out for “friendships” where I am the servant only. I have learned my “servanthood” was nothing more than trying to manipulate myself into prominence.

- I taught that the church was an Army and that we therefore needed Generals and Sergeants to lead us. (I of course saw myself as the sergeant – not the head but certainly one of the right arms of the head.) Again, I did not read my Bible.

- I taught you to despise other churches in our city. I taught you that they were not as enlightened as us, did not have as much of the Holy Spirit as us, could not worship as we did, did not recognize the leadership in our church and come under their apostolic leadership, and so many other things. I hinted at their pastors “weaknesses.” I judged their programs, people, leaders and lives as unfit for the true expression of the Kingdom of God and taught you to do the same. It is true that I did see many legitimate problems, and I still do but I had pulled back and decided I was done with the all but the select body of Christ in our area and encouraged you to also “not waste your time.”

- I practiced and taught you “shunning.” This is the practice of not associating with those who have left our body. I taught you to look the other way in the grocery store. To ignore their emails and be succinct and distant when they called you. I taught you that you could be contaminated by a perceived friendship with them, and instilled in you the fear that was in me, that I would be seen as disloyal.

- I taught you that when people left our body, they left their destiny. I thought that the only way they were to fulfill what God had for them was through our particular church.

- I encouraged you in total obedience to our leaders and total submission of ministry to their vision. I often referred to the church as being in the leaders’ “boat.” We were to totally get in this “boat” and leave it up to God and the leaders where and how to navigate this life. We were not to question this boat leader’s vision or direction as they were “hearing from God”. If you wanted to minister it had to be under their direct “umbrella.”

My pride, arrogance, manipulation and disregard for the scripture are detestable to me. In that I was your leader, role model, and teacher makes it doubly serious. I know of nothing else than to remove myself.

I am not beating myself up as to the point where I imagine that I did nothing right. There were many of you that I loved unconditionally. We showed hospitality, we modeled a good marriage, an open and honest life and when I needed to, I have asked your forgiveness. But the scope and magnitude which I see my own heart today is detestable to me.

So today, I ask your forgiveness. I know many of you were not directly under my leadership. So why do I ask your forgiveness? This is why. - Maybe in reading my “confession” you will come to realize that those in leadership above you who have inflicted so many hurts will someday come to realize what they have done. Maybe your prayers for them will result in them walking out of their own deception. Maybe the grace that you show to them will be a signpost for them to follow. Maybe in not hating them you will be able to love and pray for their blinders to fall off.From my heart to you, I am so sorry, please forgive me. And please forgive those who also have been your leaders.

A Person Formerly Known As Your Leader