Reignited Heart for Worship

It is funny. Just when you think that nothing will ever change, when you are sure you are just adrift on a sea of nothingness, just when you are positive that something in you is truly dead, you are surprised yet again by what the Father is doing in you.

A few days ago Heather at Deconstructed Christian posted a song that had been forwarded to her. It is entitled, “From the Inside Out” by Hillsong United. I have been captivated, wrecked, reawakened, and drawn in to the heart of God this week as I have listened to it over and over again.

My old group was renowned for it’s worship bands. Unbelievably, even though the group we belonged to never reached the 250 mark in attendance, the worship musicians we had in our body rivaled those that you hear on the Hillsong albums. I loved the hours and hours we spent singing and pouring our hearts out to God.

When we left, this was the hardest thing to do without. In all the “messed up-ness” of the whole thing, worship seemed to go mostly untainted. I think it was truly the heart of the musicians that kept it so pure. Whatever reason, it was stellar.

After leaving though, I wanted to throw it out with all the other craziness. I could barely listen to a worship song. I doubted that God even wanted us to do that when we gathered. I was done, finished with the whole thing.

During the one time that we visited a service in another city, I was on edge and had a hard time enjoying the worship service at all. No, I figured, I was done with the whole venue and frankly, I wasn’t missing it that much anymore. If you had caught me on a bad day I would have even ranted on about how worthless the whole thing was.

But then this song happened.

Something dead in me sprang to life. I have cried tears of joy, longing and refreshment. I lifted my hands. I felt God again in song.

I’m as surprised as anyone. I was not looking for it. I’m not even sure what to do with it. I wonder if it is something that will pass. I hope it won’t. I want my kids to experience it. I would love to find it again in a group of believers.

I find it is not entirely like it was before. I still have questions. What does the Father want in our time together? What does worship do for Him? What would he rather us say - or not say? Can we sing things that are only partially true still in our lives - with the hopes that they will become completely who we are? Does He enjoy our time corporately together? Is it OK with him that the musicians (worship leaders) lives’ are messed up in one way or another - sometimes alarmingly? Is it OK with Him that mine is? Is it terrible that we are caught up in the moment in worship and say the most wonderful things and then turn around and stumble and fall and hurt His heart the next?

All those questions and more tumble around in my head. But for the moment I find myself pushing them away to the back, closing my eyes, raising my hands and singing...

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Chorus 2x
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

A Sense of Purpose - Painting with a Grey Pallet

As I look towards the New Year this year I find myself struggling with something that is always nagging me in the back of my mind. I realize that it is again one of those "voices" from the past that I still have yet to shake. It is the voice that taunts me, ridicules me, and whispers that I am no longer building anything significant with my life.

In my old church, every act we did was significant. We were the elite of God's Army. We were the ones who heard his voice and we were the ones that were in the process of bringing the Kingdom of God to earth in this day - no in this hour.

Every act of kindness did not stand on its own. Instead, every act of kindness was a blow against the enemy's kingdom.

If you served anyone or anywhere in the church, you were supporting the advance of God's kingdom.

If you gave money, you were planting seed that would be returned 10 or lately 100 fold.

If you gave a gift to the pastors it was not simply a gift. No, you were laying your gift at the feet of the Apostles.

If you sang on the worship team or even just in your seat it was not just a simple act of adoration. Here, you were breaking through the heavens so that the Kingdom of God could come down.

If you prayed you were doing an important job, you were binding and loosing. You were causing something to take place in the heavenlies.

If you were a good parent or a good spouse you were discipling hundreds by your example.

If you were righteous at work - if you did a good job - you were in the process of taking over that secular job for the Kingdom of God.

If you made money in your secular job you were a part of the transferring of the wealth of the Gentles to the Kingdom.

If you kept your home and yard clean it was a witness to your neighbors and thus you were taking part in the great harvest of souls.

If you drove a nice car you were showing the prosperity of the Lord that was promised to the saints.

EVERYTHING WAS IMPORTANT!!!!

This has been the hardest mindset to shake. In a way, it was so hyped up that it felt like a drug. Coming off the drug has made me feel dull. Dry. Worthless. Of no value.

What does my life matter? Kindness is simply kindness. Giving is simply giving. Prayer is simply conversation and worship is an intimate experience. It is all so un-glorious to the side of me that used to get all her importance from what she did.

I seem to be painting in a pallet of gray as opposed to the brilliant colors that were used in the past.

Part of me, I'm sure the drug addict side of me, longs for the brilliant colors of just a few years ago. Those colors made me feel so important - so vital to the work of God.

And so today as I wrote this out I realize that I want to be somewhere else a year from today. Here is where I want to end up next year:

I want God to take this seemingly gray pallet of colors that I now have in my hand and, with me, paint a beautiful picture. I think if I don't give up - If I continue to be faithful with the brush and colors he has given me - that He will miraculously cause my picture to come to life in the most beautiful colors ever imagined. It will exude His brilliance and all who look upon this picture will understand that a miracle has been wrought. They will understand that the simple strokes of gray have been made into color only by His hand.

Worship That He is Pleased With - or Worship in the Bathroom

I went to an institutional ‘church’ service this morning. I’ve felt like I wanted to go all week and kept silent – feeling like the desire would pass. Well it didn’t. Then I found out on Saturday night that a good friend might be there with her new baby (and husband too ;). So this morning I woke up with barely enough time to get there (it was in another town over an hour away) and told Marsh that I wanted to go. After he swallowed his amazement that I actually wanted to go to a service, he kindly got up and within about 20 minutes we were out the door. I asked my daughter, Britt if she wanted to go with us and since we had a chance of seeing our friend she piled into the back.

I had not been in a service since we had left our CLB (church left behind), so this was a big deal for me. I was not sure how I would react. Would I be able to stay? How would the music affect me? Would I cry or get mad? (Britt really did not want to go into the service but knew she could hang out in the coffee shop while we were there.)

As we arrived we met up with the people that I was hoping to see. In fact we got to see many of the people whom we have gotten to know over the years both here and at this church. It was so warm and loving. The hugs and touches were truly healing to me.

As the music began, I let it swirl around me. It felt like I was sitting in a hot tub. It was warm and healing in so many ways. Yes, there were some lyrics that I would have like changed. But really when they came up it was like a leaf fell into the water and with a swish of my hand I could dismiss it and usher it out of the tub. Healing and warm. I liked it.

But here is what this post is all about. See, when we arrived at the building we had been traveling for a bit over an hour and a half. So one of our first stops after all the hugging was to the ladies room. I was sitting in a stall when I heard a voice from the room. Someone was kind of moaning and talking about her asthma medication. As I exited the stall I saw a very large woman standing there holding a knee high nylon sock- minus her shoe. As Britt and I both looked at her she began telling us that her medication had not kicked in enough for her to bend over and put her socks on. She was a bit mentally unstable and not a very "put together" person. Someone to avoid.

As she talked, I (to my shame) paused a second to determine what I would do. But my daughter responded immediately. She got on her knees and began to put the nylon sock over the woman’s swollen foot while talking kindly to her.

Now you need to understand something about Britt. She hates germs. She would NEVER kneel on a public restroom’s floor. On top of that she has this thing about feet. She just doesn’t ever touch anyone’s feet. I can barely get her to massage mine and she loves me. I don’t think she has ever touched another persons’ foot in her life. But here she was on her knees in a public restroom helping a very “unlovely” person put on her nylons.

As I sat in the music service today and they said, “Let us worship God today together,” I heard the words, “As much as you have done for the least of these.”

I realized that I had seen worship this morning. Not in the music minister’s leading, or the band expertly playing or the lady beautifully dancing with the flags or in the upturned faces and hands of those around me but in the humility and love of my daughter in the bathroom. She wasn't in the "worship service" with me. But she had truly worshiped Jesus that day and I know he looked on her act of worship and smiled.

Next time, I don’t want to pause, I want to beat her to it.

Worship Songs Come to Life

(Pic from David Hayward @ Nakedpastor)

I’ve been contemplating something that Abmo wrote today over at Windblown Hope. He writes of the loss that so many of us have experienced or are experiencing. I know for a fact, I wish for what was and am having a hard time imagining what is ahead. He talks about the old life being like Egypt and the new life falling into the Son.

He says, “In the first instance, we can trace back what went wrong. Why did all those awful things happen? Perhaps, we can create a better Egypt. We can have a place where all the slaves are equal. Perhaps a smaller Egypt will be the right thing. Perhaps then, every slave will be seen as an individual that is an important part of the mechanism. No longer will the slave be overlooked or taken for granted. No, we will create a place where all slaves can be valued. Egypt after all is not that bad. We were fed. Ok, Ok… we had food.

The second option is to fall into the Son. That means, life as we knew it, is over. Jesus will become the whole lot. The Everything. When we fall into Jesus, warmth, ceases to exist. Destruction. Consumed. Decreasing. We lose. Only “I am” is left. Love. Freedom. Forgiveness. Delight. Silence. Endurance. Kindness. Righteousness. Vast open spaces. Friendship. Closeness. Gentleness. Playfulness. Good humor. The end of loneliness. These are some of the puzzle-pieces of the Person I worship, that have I have “gained”.”

Read the whole thing here.

Now I know from reading his site for a while that he is not saying that all small groups are Egypt (evil) so don’t even go there with him. I do think what he is saying is that it is much easier to cling to and try and replicate what was before than it is to move into the unknown with Jesus leading us.

But at first reading I took it as an either/or option. Meetings vs no Meetings. Leaders vs no leaders. Program vs no program. Intentional vs non-intentional. Buildings vs no buildings. Corporate worship vs no corporate worship.

And there again is my biggest problem. I want a pattern. I want the RIGHT way. I want which side to pick of the either/or scenario. I want the directions to put this whole thing together. I don’t want to get hurt or hurt others. I want answers.

But I’m not going to get them. At least not in the way I would like them handed to me. I know what Jesus wants of my life is relationship with Him. He wants to be the “I Am.” He wants to be the Meeting. He wants to be the Leader. He wants to be the Intention. He wants to be the Building and he wants to be the Worship. And I am just going to have to wait to see what he says about how that will look in my life today, tomorrow and the next day.

It is not an either/or and I miss the whole point when I make it that. It is a Him. I need to hear from Him.

We used to sing a worship song in my old church by Sonicflood.

I Want To Know You

In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there
In the secret, In the quiet hour I wait, only for You
'Cause I want to know You more

I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward, Pushing every hindrance aside, out of my way
'Cause I want to know You more

I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I have not sung this song for over a year. And let me tell you, I had no idea what I was singing when I did sing it. I didn’t need to hear from Him then. I had everyone else telling me what to do, what to believe and what to become.

But now I need Him. Now, I really need to hear his voice, because if he does not speak, I’m lost. He has to speak and I need to be patient to hear from Him. I just need Him to speak.

So, if I talk to you directly, or leave a comment on your blog or blog about something and you can see that I am waffling between an either/or, right/wrong scenario, would do you do something for me? Would you simply ask me what Father is saying right now to me? I would appreciate it.

Religion and Fear

Larry Norman died last week. I read about it on many blogs. I am old enough to remember his music and so I kept wondering why I had not liked his music. You need to realize that I love music. All kinds. I listen to everything and actually enjoy it all. I can have my windows rattling with Bach or Mozart just as they could be rattling with the latest Rap from Eminem. And when the whole Christian Rock was born I had all the new records. Sandy, Amy, Keith, Love Song……Lend an ear….to a love song….oooh a love song….(Sing along now) So why did I not listen to Larry Norman?

It wasn’t until I read Brant’s post last week that I remembered why. It was those movies – A Thief in the Night, Left Behind. Larry’s most famous song was the soundtrack to those movies. No wonder why I was not fond of him. He was my introduction to FEAR IN RELIGION.

My introduction to fear in the church came at a very young age. Now that I think back on it I am outraged. What person lets a little kid watch such a movie? Now, I had “asked Jesus in my heart,” when I was 5. It was real to me and I really think that something supernatural was placed in me that night. With the rules of the game, I was safe – I was saved and going to heaven – I would be raptured when it happened. But I didn’t feel safe. I was always panicked anytime I could not find my parents. I forever worried about driving along in a car and the driver being ‘taken’ and the rest of us left to die in a fiery crash. If my parents were even 5 minutes late getting home I had a stomach ache. (Oh, for cell phones)

It is funny. We believed in eternal salvation but you were never sure that if you were to have been found at a dance or a movie theatre or even just thinking a bad thought - and the rapture occurred – would you really be taken? Because of this doctrine I lived my life in fear. Fear of not being good enough and fear of being left to being marked by the Beast and forever out of the grace of God.

I was 25 before I met a kind pastor that blew away this theology in 2 hours one night. I had never even met a Christian before that did not believe in the rapture. We had heard about such heretics in my Bible School but no one had ever told me that true Christian men and women did not all believe the same things. My world was rocked and I cried for the next week. How in the world had I been taught these things without saying that there at least were other ways to view what the Bible was saying? Why was I not taught that this was a new belief of only a few hundred years old? Why was I not taught that it was actually the Scofield Bible’s notes that made this doctrine preached in the United States so widely? For something so fundamentally believed and accepted in my little life, why was I not given all the facts and then allowed to make my own decision?

But that is not the reason for this post. The reason I wanted to talk about this today is because I got very used to fear in my faith. Those in authority used fear to control their congregations. In a podcast from Wayne and Brad last week (Freedom from Fear) they cited an article that said that fear can be the most controlling force in a person’s life.

That got me thinking. I could look back into my childhood and see where fear was used by the church (and I hated it) but I wanted to look forward….after I changed my theology….to see if fear had still been used to control me. How did the whole Charismatic theology manifest fear in my life, and was I still under fear today?

Here are some ways I thought of:

There was a huge fear of the demonic. Fear that you would do or say something that would open you up to demonic forces in your life. Fear against what the ruling forces of the region could do to you.

Fear of somehow losing your destiny – through either making bad choices in a church or mate or life in general or being in the wrong church or camp.

Fear of being out from under authority. Fear that you were not obeying your husband or father and then later on, fear that you were not submitting to the Apostle or Prophet of the church.

Fear of not tithing and/or not giving enough to ‘cover’ your own finances to where God would bless you.

Fear of not raising your kids just right so that they would make the very same choices that you would make for them.

Fear that the world would corrupt us or our kids by contact with it.

Fear that allowing a non Christian to teach our kids would result in God not being in their lives.

Fear that anything we or our kids did, might be a stumbling block to someone.

Fear that if we did not come across as spiritual – that we would be demoted or sidelined or shunned.

Fear of admitting your were broken and not healed yet.

Fear of missing ‘your opportunity’ for healing or deliverance or blessing from whatever service was being held that night or that weekend. (actually this was used to try to get people to EVERY meeting that the church had – even a business or planning meeting…..you could never tell when God would show up and you weren’t there) Fear of not being where God’s Spirit was being poured out.

Fear that someone might actually find out that you were just pretending in worship. Fear of not looking “worshipful.” Fear that there is something really wrong with you.

Fear of not being able to say that you disagreed. Fear that you were somehow evil because you had an opinion that differed.

I’m sure there is more….I am just sickened. I am over 50 and I have lived every moment of my life in Jesus, in fear. From the time I made my first steps toward this life of Faith I have carried a companion with me named Fear.

So today I resolve to dismiss my companion of Fear and replace him. I want a new traveling companion. I hate what Fear has done to my life.

Therefore, I will replace him with……Grace or Wisdom or maybe Laughter. What do you think? Who do you walk with?

Worship- on an Icy Sunday Morning

For many, many Sunday mornings, as long and Husband and I have been married, we would wake up to our alarm clock ringing just a little later than our weekday wake up call, and he would roll over and say to me, “Let’s go worship!”

He loved to go and worship corporately. Where I was concerned with all that it took to “put it on,”( – making sure everyone was in their place and doing what our leader and his wife would have wanted – making sure that my kids were in their places and looking appropriately – making sure no “goofy” people were bothering the leaders – making sure the nursery and children’s departments were running smoothly – making sure that the few new people that wandered in were greeted appropriately – trying to be nice to all the people that I did not really have a relationship with – you get the idea) Husband would be up front far before the worship music actually started, meeting with God and loving on Him with all his heart. I did come in later usually to join him on the front row after all fires were put out and everyone was accounted for – but by then it was hard to center my mind and focus on Father when I was so concerned about what everyone else thought about me.

So this morning when I woke up the first thing that popped into my mind was the phrase, “Lets go worship God.”

As many of you who read my blog know, we are not attending any Sunday morning service. I have not been in corporate worship for over 6 months. I’m not even sure I could do it yet. So the question sets in my spirit today and I want to know what it means to be home today with my family and worship this wonderful Father whom I am just coming to really know for the first time.

So for a bit of "corporate cyber worship," here is what I am saying to Him in worship today.

Papa I am amazed by you. You are so good. You reveal yourself to me as you did to David when he said, “I will sing unto the Lord for he has dealt bountifully with me.”

I am so grateful that you are here with me and that you love me. I am so terribly grateful that you took ALL my shame and nailed it to the cross. In doing that, I no longer have to ‘DO” anything to please you or cause you to love me any more than you already do. All my works of service did nothing to alleviate the guilt and shame of my sin. All I had to do was realize that you did it completely, and it was done. I am whole. I am loved. I am totally accepted.

I am becoming to love even the broken parts in me that still remain because they show me how you love me completely. Your love is truly amazing. I worship you today. I bow my life before you. Even if I do no outwardly religious thing today, my heart will bow.

Today is yours. As we are together in this house I ask that you be among us and that you be honored in our laughter, our eating together, our play and our work.

Thanks Papa, I love you so much.

What are some of you saying or doing today in worship? Please leave it in the comments below or link it to your page. I would love to read what you are saying.

The Heart "Bent" on Worship

(Note: See Jon Birch's site for more comics like the one on the right)


Since we have left our church I have chewed on the idea of worship. I was disheartened because there was nothing in me that wanted return to a worship service. I was not sure I would even like it anymore. I was afraid to go back and the idea frankly made me a little sick. This disturbed me greatly because music is so important to my spirit. I know it can connect me to God, to others and to his body. I love music. Others, who I read about and listen to, seem to have not taken anything bad from their experiences in worship and seemingly it was the one thing that they missed the most from their institutional churches. So why did I not want to go back? What was up with that?

Robbymac blogged about worship leaders the other day in Whips, Flames and Morpheus the Worship Leader. Please read this. He defines the two kinds of worship leaders. Those that stress that you “perform” in worship and those that just worship and allow you to enter if you wish. After reading this and thinking on it, I may know a bit more of why I am so reluctant to go back to a worship service.

Now let me be the first to say that worship in my CLB was pretty stellar. Our leaders were impassioned people who did not carry a strong arm into the worship space. We were known for our worship. But at the same time there was this unsaid, unspoken idea (at least in my thinking) that if you were just sitting there while everyone else was outwardly worshiping that you were not “entering in” and could actually impede the work of the Holy Spirit. “True believers” worship freely. This meant that you could see them worship.

I was a leader in this church. I sat on the front row. I therefore, needed to put on a good front. People needed to see me worship so they could follow me and worship too. I did not want to impede the Holy Spirit. I became convinced that to truly look spiritual I needed to raise my hands, dance a bit when called for, look joyful for the joyful songs, somber for the repentance songs and passionate for the more passionate songs. I needed to somehow outwardly show that I was actually worshiping. I have realized in the past few days that I had made it into a production about me, my leadership, my godliness, my qualifications, my holiness, me, me, me.

No wonder it makes me sick now.

And that is what is so hard. Was this really taught at my CLB or was this just my own bent heart wanting to fit in and be recognized? I would love to take a survey of all that sat in the same services as I did. Was it just me? Was I the only one that believed this subtle, twisted message? Did everyone there who were raising their hands, kneeling or dancing really mean it or was it a show for some? Did we as leaders let people know that is wasn’t ok just to be there and not perform? What was actually said?

So many times I want to point my finger at the institution for all its problems and what it does to people but then I realize that the institution that is fundamentally and primarily flawed is my own heart.

For that I repent.

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Filed under: Uncategorized — jonbirch @ 12:00 am

Nothing has changed. Yet everything is different.

Nothing has changed – Yet everything is different.

Nothing has changed. I love the Church. I try to gather with the Church as much as I can. I delight in the Church.

Yet everything is different. I don’t go “to” church. I don’t go to services. I don’t participate in any church activities. All my friends do not belong to the same “church.” I am not a leader in the “church.” My kids are not being raised in the "church."

Nothing has changed. I love to worship. I love worship songs that bring my heart, mind and spirit into the same place where the Spirit of Father feels real to me.

Yet everything is different. Worship is not prepackaged for me. I don’t “go” to worship anymore. If I worship it is by my own decision to make time to tell Father that I love him. Sometimes worship does not even involve singing. Sometimes it is just in the sitting and listening. Sometimes it is in the loving of someone else that Father puts in my path. Sometimes it is in preparing dinner for my family so that we can gather around the table and love each other and have Father there with us.

Nothing has changed. I love to give. I love to give an offering of money. I love to be generous.

Yet everything is different. I no longer have one basket that I put all my offerings in. I no longer give from a place where if I don’t, God will be mean to me. I no longer give out of obligation. No one ever sees me give anymore. I don’t march down front to put in my money into a basked in front of the whole “church”. I give a lot more to the poor.

Nothing has changed. I love fellowship. I love to help people grow to be a follower of Jesus. I also love to learn from others how to grow more to be like Him.

Yet everything is different. I don’t have prepackaged fellowship. There are no meetings that I attend where the “fellowship time” is set aside for me. Many friends no longer want to have fellowship with me because they perceive that I hurt them by leaving their church. Fellowship is much more intimate now – just with a few. Much like how sweet something tastes after you have eliminated sugar from your diet, this fellowship is soooo sweet. Even brief encounters with other Christians (that I don’t’ even know) at a bank or grocery story feels like the sweetest fellowship ever.

Nothing has changed. I love God. I speak to Him. I even call this “prayer” sometimes. Nothing has changed.

Yet everything is different. I have changed how I speak to Him. I sit with Him mostly and do not speak. I listen a lot more. I have changed from calling him “The” Father to just Father. I ask him for other things – not so much my own stuff anymore. I don’t pray about “church” things anymore.


Nothing has changed. I love the teaching that comes from others on the Word of God. I love to hear what they have to say.

Yet everything is different. I don’t have prepackaged teaching every Sunday morning. I have to go and search it out. Also, for the first time in my life I allow myself to question who is teaching and what they are saying. I can disagree. I can love one part and spit the other parts out. I have to decide for myself if it matches up to the Word in a way that I think that Jesus and the disciples meant it to. Another thing is different too. I learn from anyone who speaks. I am not forced to only read or hear one “stream” of beliefs. I have read or heard from staunch Presbyterians, atheists, the Reformed faith, the charismatic teachers and most lovely, those who sit around my table with me. I love to be with others who are learning new things. I’m on a journey and it is fun to have so many of you talking to me, teaching me as I go.

Nothing has changed. Yet everything is different.

Good Enough to Lead?

On Thursday I read a post at Inward/Outward.

Learning to Forgive:
When we accept that we have weaknesses and flaws, that we have sinned against God and against our brothers and sisters, but that we are forgiven and can grow towards inner freedom and truer love, then we can accept the weaknesses and flaws of others. They too are forgiven by God and are growing towards the freedom of love. We can look at all men and women with realism and love. We can begin to see in them the wound of pain that brings up fear, but also their gift which we can love and admire. We are all mortal and fragile, but we are all unique and precious. There is hope; we can all grow towards greater freedom. We are learning to forgive. (emphasis mine)

Wednesday was a very healing day. We had friends over for a 4th fest. It was complete with all of my favorite things, music, laughter, food, beer, kids, pool, friends, rum punch, fireworks…. We had fun. Gratefully, a lot of former friends and current friends were here. (Old friends who had celebrated every 4th with us for over a decade were not and even though I don’t wish to go back, their lack of presence was felt very keenly by me) The ones who were there were people who had also left our CLB. Some before us, (those who had forgiven us), some after us.

At one point, later in the day, one of the guys picked up his guitar and soon, bit by bit, all of us gathered around in some halting, beautiful worship. Old songs. Songs that had been sung a few years ago and some sung many years ago. Wow, it was good. (Almost made me not dislike the word “worship.” ) We were all a bit weepy.

The thing that struck me was this….Here were a bunch of people – all broken in some way. Some were struggling with hidden things. Some had kids who were not following God. Some with deep issues and areas of un-healed-ness. Yet, they were leading worship. They were playing. Others were just being there. And it was good. Broken people. Worshiping people. People not judging whether or not one was good enough to lead us. People not judging whether you should be there or not. People not judging. Just people worshiping, and singing, and laughing, and eating, and drinking rum punch. And it was good. I think God liked it. I know I did.

See, our CLB used to say that if you played up front on a worship team or were in “ministry” somehow, that your lives had to reflect that you were a good disciple of Jesus or you could not play or or work. Now that sounds good right? Well, it wasn’t.

Because, whose standard do you use to determine if a person’s life reflects the “right amount” of discipleship or Christian growth? I have seen people reprimanded on worship teams or leadership teams for not keeping their cars and houses clean enough. Others because they had a perceived “sexual spirit”. Others for not tithing. Others for not being kind enough. Others for not being under authority. Others for the fact that their children were not OK. Others because they did not reflect the “look” the church wanted to project. It was brutal at times. It hurt a lot of people.

Do you see what this does? At what point do you become good enough for a worship team? At what point do you become bad enough to be removed? And we talk about grace? Where is it? Of course this was always ultimately decided by the leaders.

But again, you could not have someone living in obvious rebellion leading a worship service, right?

And then you ask yourself – what is worse – obvious rebellion or the hidden, secret rebellion that each of us lives with every day. How do you get that off your stage in a church?

All I know is this. I did not have to judge anyone’s life that day. I just sat and watched these people who are deciding to love God as best as they know how, sing some songs about Him and to Him. And I didn’t want to go back to the place that has to determine if someone is OK enough to lead. I know I’m not. How could I judge if anyone else is or not?

So the entry that I started this post with was good to read on Thursday. Very good.