As I look towards the New Year this year I find myself struggling with something that is always nagging me in the back of my mind. I realize that it is again one of those "voices" from the past that I still have yet to shake. It is the voice that taunts me, ridicules me, and whispers that I am no longer building anything significant with my life.
In my old church, every act we did was significant. We were the elite of God's Army. We were the ones who heard his voice and we were the ones that were in the process of bringing the Kingdom of God to earth in this day - no in this hour.
Every act of kindness did not stand on its own. Instead, every act of kindness was a blow against the enemy's kingdom.
If you served anyone or anywhere in the church, you were supporting the advance of God's kingdom.
If you gave money, you were planting seed that would be returned 10 or lately 100 fold.
If you gave a gift to the pastors it was not simply a gift. No, you were laying your gift at the feet of the Apostles.
If you sang on the worship team or even just in your seat it was not just a simple act of adoration. Here, you were breaking through the heavens so that the Kingdom of God could come down.
If you prayed you were doing an important job, you were binding and loosing. You were causing something to take place in the heavenlies.
If you were a good parent or a good spouse you were discipling hundreds by your example.
If you were righteous at work - if you did a good job - you were in the process of taking over that secular job for the Kingdom of God.
If you made money in your secular job you were a part of the transferring of the wealth of the Gentles to the Kingdom.
If you kept your home and yard clean it was a witness to your neighbors and thus you were taking part in the great harvest of souls.
If you drove a nice car you were showing the prosperity of the Lord that was promised to the saints.
EVERYTHING WAS IMPORTANT!!!!
This has been the hardest mindset to shake. In a way, it was so hyped up that it felt like a drug. Coming off the drug has made me feel dull. Dry. Worthless. Of no value.
What does my life matter? Kindness is simply kindness. Giving is simply giving. Prayer is simply conversation and worship is an intimate experience. It is all so un-glorious to the side of me that used to get all her importance from what she did.
I seem to be painting in a pallet of gray as opposed to the brilliant colors that were used in the past.
Part of me, I'm sure the drug addict side of me, longs for the brilliant colors of just a few years ago. Those colors made me feel so important - so vital to the work of God.
And so today as I wrote this out I realize that I want to be somewhere else a year from today. Here is where I want to end up next year:
I want God to take this seemingly gray pallet of colors that I now have in my hand and, with me, paint a beautiful picture. I think if I don't give up - If I continue to be faithful with the brush and colors he has given me - that He will miraculously cause my picture to come to life in the most beautiful colors ever imagined. It will exude His brilliance and all who look upon this picture will understand that a miracle has been wrought. They will understand that the simple strokes of gray have been made into color only by His hand.