Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I'm Glad It Happened


Something is happening with me, or better put, something is happening within me. Both I guess.

I've not blogged for a bit here. I had to reintroduce myself to my blog sign-in page. Fortunately it still remembered me.

I've actually been busy with real life again. Real people that I can hug and touch.

Friends of old returned to stay with us for two wonderful weeks. I visited my Sister in the desert of Mexico and talked and laughed and ate wonderful Mexican food for a week. A former friend is beginning a wonderful new relationship with me. My youngest daughter has moved back into the house to go to school for a year. With her return has come a flood of her entourage (friends). Colorful sort that have cool blue hair (my favorite!), diverse religious affiliations, some with assorted sexual preferences and questionable drug choices but the sort that find myself absolutely loving to feed, hug and provide a place to play and crash. It is a great story of grace to have this child choose to live here again. Fingers crossed as we navigate the relationship in such close proximity.

So what is it that I'm glad has happened?

All of it. The painful last two years. The abandonment of many friends. The loss of all that I was before. The death (at least from what I can see) of Church Lady. The re-evaluating of everything I hold dear. The emptying of my theology. The tears. The repentance. The joy of finding simplicity. The ability to meet you all. So much more.

We were talking about some of those that we love still in the group that we left. So often we want to make contact and tell them that we love them. So often it is on the tips of our fingers to write to them and explain how they are missing out on the very heart of God. Then last night Husband said something that rocked my world. He said something to the effect that God has a plan for each of us to find HIM - to find His heart for us and that if we had not gone through EXACTLY what we went through we would not be in this place now. That it was only through this perfectly formed, sometimes very painful journey that we have come to the place where there is Peace and Grace and most of all Love. He said that if the Father was gracious enough to bring us to this point, he would also have the same plan to bring each of those we love to the same point.

He is so right. Without everything that happened to me through this past few years, I would have been happy to be Church Lady for the rest of my life. I would not have been in a place where I found that I could survive without depending on the 'church' to give me my identity. I would have never explored the depths of the love of my Father. I would have never understood Grace as I do today. I could have never loved like I'm now able to - albeit still faltering. I would have never allowed myself to love my daughters the way I can now. My friends would still be used to pamper my own importance.

So onto Spring. New beginnings. Dear friends are moving back into town. (I can't get over the feeling that this is monumental for us in some way.) A few, and very dear friendships, continue and are beginning. Daughter will fill my house with fire breathing, fire spinning, (See pictures!) kids.

So I am mostly content at this point. The fear of going without is fading. We have found somehow that this is enough - if that makes sense. We are waiting on God to see if there will ever be a "formal" group to belong to. I can see life with it and also without it, so either way is fine with me.

and at the end of it.....I'm Glad It Happened.

8 comments:

Sarah said...

Funny, I was just thinking about you yesterday and how much I missed reading your posts. And then you write this one - one of the best ever! Such beautiful redemption, such purpose in the pain. Moments like this, we really do "count it all joy", don't we? :) I rejoice with you!

John Fincher said...

Awesome post. Exactly something I've also been thinking about.

Just read this quote from Tozer today - "It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt them deeply." And, "God discovers Himself to 'babes' and hides Himself in thick darkness from the wise and prudent. We must simplify our approach to Him. We must strip down to essential, and they will be found to be blessedly few."

Shalom

Mary said...

Barb,

I loved reading your thoughts. Encouraging. Your journey is full of grace, surprises, and a refreshing reality. Thanks for sharing.

Scott Stilson said...

We are oh-so-very-much looking forward to coming back into town... =)

Rich said...

Barb,

Thanks for continuing to share your journy of grace with us all!

D said...

Glad you're back and are feeling so peaceful about your journey! We often say, we had to go there to get here. Which may or may not be true, but it makes us feel better! :)

Erin said...

I'm glad for your journey at least as much as I'm glad for my own. You are so right in saying we have to go through it to find the beauty on the other side. Even now, nearly every day, I find some new treasure in all this and I count it as blessing.

searching said...

I still wonder if the day will ever come when my day is not consumed with thoughts of the injustice, abuse, and attrocities that I have witnessed because of my former pastor and his family. I look forward to the day when I can be in the place that you are. I rejoice for you!