God is Here....and There

My dreams are changing. I used to dream about fighting with former leaders. I would either be very angry or feel very helpless while they were angry. Lately it seems as if Mercy is stepping in and ordering the dialogue and scene sequences.

My dream the other night brought about a change in me. Marshall and I were going into what seemed to be a conference where our old church and leadership were in charge. The worship music was in full swing. I remember thinking how wonderful it felt.

My husband turned to me and said, "Honey, can you feel God present here? I can!"

I looked around to the crowd gathered and saw many on their knees in prayer or worship. Obviously they were not there for any hype or anything other than to meet with the Father, speak to him and commune with Him. Their intent and the purity of their love was evident on their faces. It was a good thing.

My eye caught another scene playing out though. Off to the side were risers - three rows. On the risers were women I recognized dressed in matching dresses - dresses that I KNEW these women would never wear or choose on their own. (Their dress was a cross between Little House on the Prairie meets Stepford Wives.) They were instructed to come down off the risers and take the offering for that night. They moved as robots - efficiently obedient, not smiling and as ordered.

My eyes went back and forth between the good I saw in worship and the crazy bad I saw in these poor friends of mine being made to play a role that was controlled and freakishly robotic.

In the dream I began to cry at what I was seeing. I screamed out, "NO!!! It CANNOT be both good and bad at the same time. It either has to be one or the other. How can God be here and yet Control is here at the same time. IT CAN'T BE!!! IT CAN'T BE!!" I was distraught and then woke up.

Later that day I described the dream to my husband and how it disturbed me and literally made me crazy that there was such good and such bad in the same dream and place. He gently laughed and me and said, "You never like it when there is gray do you? You are only happy when it is totally black and white."

I am so sure he nailed it. I had to repent from thinking that everything that this group is doing is bad. I had to admit that God is sure to be in their midst as He is in mine. I had to acknowledge that people are loving him, and finding him there. I hate that it is this way....but my very life depends on MY not earning his presence by the lack of wrong.

God is at my old church as they met this morning. Scream and cry as much as I want this fact holds true. He is willing to go anywhere to meet with and love on his people. And with that fact I humbly fall on my knees to worship the One who meets with me today in the midst of my brokenness and places of my own control.

I am my dream. God is still there.