Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Endings

Today I closed down my personal Blog.

It was a blog that I had first opened when in my CLB. Many women and surprisingly a few of the guys were regular readers as I explored what it meant to live in Jesus. It was like personal devotional of what I was learning each day. When we left our church a few months ago my posts got fewer and farther between. I just could not write about all that I was learning because to do so would maybe disrupt husbands and wives from walking in unity with each other. My beliefs are so different now that I could not "teach" these new things to those who would not even come to speak to me.

So I ended it. It feels as if a part of me has died today. My only hope is that God will one day restore the relationships that once were.

Here is what I posted about two weeks ago to close the site.

This will be my last post on this blogpage – __________. I will keep this message up for a few weeks and then close the site down.

I started it while still a leader at (CLB). Unless you just happened to stumble across this small pebble of a blog spot, you knew me at (CLB). About 3 months ago we made our decision to leave the church. Believe me it was not an easy decision. I/we cried for months. We kept asking God for wisdom and the ability to stay. Instead we believe He moved us out. We were called to take a different path than what _____ and _____ believed they were to take.

We had wanted to sit down with each person – those of you who were reading this site -and give a better explanation and affirm that we still loved you with all our hearts and wanted an ongoing relationship with you but after the public meeting that was held we did not feel the freedom to do that.

I feel that in writing on this blog and having you read it – without having a face to face relationship with me- is not right. If you don’t believe you can have a real relationship with me then you should not be reading what I am thinking and feeling and learning.

So I am asking you for a few things. If you wish to follow the journey that God is taking Husband and I on, please at least email me and ask for the new site that I will be blogging on. That is the least amount of contact that I would desire.

If you want a real relationship with me and are wondering why I have not contacted you, please understand that we don’t want to cross any lines of trying to “deceive” you as has been publicly stated or putting you into the place where you are uncomfortable with my contact. Therefore I think I will leave it up to you to contact me. Know this. Those of you who have lived in my house and have been part of my family in various ways, I want your friendship still. I never changed. I only made a decision of who I was to follow. In that I did not choose ____ or ____ should not interrupt our friendship. We would still desire a relationship with them and their family.

Also realize that if we are truly being shunned in any way by you and your family, this is behavior befitting a cult – Not truly grace filled, brotherly love kind of behavior. I ask you to think hard about this.

I realize that you may have somehow come to believe that we did not want to have contact with you. That is not true and is easily confirmed anytime you wish to visit with us. At least come to yell at us. Something. Anything. This is ridiculous. We have not sinned to the point of someone refusing to fellowship with us. Check your Bible. If you are hurt, please talk to us. We never meant this to hurt you. We fully expected to be able to sit down and talk this through like adults.

Just know this – We will always welcome you into our hearts, arms and home. If it is a day, a week, a month or even years. Goodbye from ___________. I hope to talk to you soon.

Another nail in the coffin, Huh?

7 comments:

grace said...

Wow! Perfectly stated. I really wish we had written something like this to the people of the church after we left. We simply allowed them to believe what the leaders said concerning us.

I love that you explained the awkwardness of having your relationships put into this position. I love that you put part of the responsibility for continuing relationship in the hands of those you have known. And I especially love you call the shunning for the BS that it is.

I hope that you will share if you get any response to this.

malegra said...

What a great opportunity to salvage some of the wreckage. Blogs weren't nearly as popular 5.5 years ago, so we have many collaterally damaged relationships which may never be recovered.

Brave girl, you are. Don't think of it as a nail in the coffin, but rather as a womb, releasing you into new life. Have you ever heard Sara Groves' song, "Less Like Scars"? It was my anthem after we survived our first year or so:

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)


- Sara Groves, 2003, "Less Like Scars" from All Right Here

Barb said...

Grace,
I have had it posted for almost two weeks. A few single men who were reading my blog were over the other day and asked to keep reading - but they already had a relationship with us that was real. None of the women that I wanted to contact me have as of yet. Not really a surprise I guess. Thanks for your encouragement.

Malegra - what a beautiful song. I'm going to see if I can listen to it somewhere - In any case - the words totally fit my life today. Thanks

Steve Sensenig said...

Wow, no longer anonymous?

This was such a good letter. I definitely know that feeling of wishing you could sit down and discuss these things like adults.

One experience I had was sitting down with a couple who had been close friends with me and sharing what all was going on in relation to my leaving.

After three hours, the husband finally said, "So, I'm just trying to figure out: Will there ever be a pastor you can submit to?"

My very sad, frustrated response: "If, after the past three hours, that's the question that comes to your mind, there's nothing I can say to make you understand what I'm talking about." With that, I graciously excused myself and left.

I cried all the way home...

Barb said...

Steve,
Husband has said that ultimately,those who will understand - won't have to have anything explained to them.

And yes, after I closed down my other site I went pseudo-anonymous. I'm really not as afraid as I was.

Rick Gibson said...

Hey,
This reminds me of a sermon I heard recently (believe it or not!). The guy I was listening to said that when people talk about tithing in the way you mentioned, it makes God sound more like The Godfather, rather than Father God.

Barb said...

rick,
Husband call is Gotti God ;)