God is Here....and There

My dreams are changing. I used to dream about fighting with former leaders. I would either be very angry or feel very helpless while they were angry. Lately it seems as if Mercy is stepping in and ordering the dialogue and scene sequences.

My dream the other night brought about a change in me. Marshall and I were going into what seemed to be a conference where our old church and leadership were in charge. The worship music was in full swing. I remember thinking how wonderful it felt.

My husband turned to me and said, "Honey, can you feel God present here? I can!"

I looked around to the crowd gathered and saw many on their knees in prayer or worship. Obviously they were not there for any hype or anything other than to meet with the Father, speak to him and commune with Him. Their intent and the purity of their love was evident on their faces. It was a good thing.

My eye caught another scene playing out though. Off to the side were risers - three rows. On the risers were women I recognized dressed in matching dresses - dresses that I KNEW these women would never wear or choose on their own. (Their dress was a cross between Little House on the Prairie meets Stepford Wives.) They were instructed to come down off the risers and take the offering for that night. They moved as robots - efficiently obedient, not smiling and as ordered.

My eyes went back and forth between the good I saw in worship and the crazy bad I saw in these poor friends of mine being made to play a role that was controlled and freakishly robotic.

In the dream I began to cry at what I was seeing. I screamed out, "NO!!! It CANNOT be both good and bad at the same time. It either has to be one or the other. How can God be here and yet Control is here at the same time. IT CAN'T BE!!! IT CAN'T BE!!" I was distraught and then woke up.

Later that day I described the dream to my husband and how it disturbed me and literally made me crazy that there was such good and such bad in the same dream and place. He gently laughed and me and said, "You never like it when there is gray do you? You are only happy when it is totally black and white."

I am so sure he nailed it. I had to repent from thinking that everything that this group is doing is bad. I had to admit that God is sure to be in their midst as He is in mine. I had to acknowledge that people are loving him, and finding him there. I hate that it is this way....but my very life depends on MY not earning his presence by the lack of wrong.

God is at my old church as they met this morning. Scream and cry as much as I want this fact holds true. He is willing to go anywhere to meet with and love on his people. And with that fact I humbly fall on my knees to worship the One who meets with me today in the midst of my brokenness and places of my own control.

I am my dream. God is still there.

A Personal Note - Back to Health

I have not posted much about my children on this blog but if you could indulge me a bit this morning it may even help you or someone you know.

My second oldest daughter is now turning 24. At 16 she started to get sick. One of the first things we noticed is that even on 600-800 calories she would gain weight. She began loosing energy and having trouble concentrating. We started the round of doctors who basically said everything was all in her head. Others accused her of eating secretly. A children's endocrinologist in Pittsburgh told her to get therapy.

We finally found a doctor that began to treat her for thyroid and adrenal problems based on her symptoms. It seemed to help a bit but really, in the long run her health deteriorated even further. She had to drop out of college because of the mental fog that prevented her from reading. At this point we did not know what to do so we gave her the summer off of all responsibilities and she slept and tried to recover. That fall she began to teach herself computer web design and in the next spring passed one of their certifications. She felt good enough to move away and she got an internship at a company and was later hired. Her energy levels were still really low. She would go to work and then fall into bed. Weekends were spent trying to sleep and catch up. That next year after wearing herself thinner and thinner she got about 5 viruses in a row. Now we had a very sick kid.

She quit her job and moved home. We gave her what we thought would be 3 months to rest and get back on her feet. Three months turned into a year and then longer. Again we saw the rounds of doctors who seemed completely baffled as to what was going on. They finally diagnosed her with chronic fatigue and fybromaligia - which to those of you ,who know is a nice way of saying, "We don't know what the hell is wrong with you, why you are in bed all day and why you hurt all the time."

Depression was her companion. Here was a child in the prime of her life feeling like she was dying day by day. Many doctors would try to blame the depression but Britt constantly said, "I'm depressed because I don't feel well - I'm not sick because I'm depressed."

She applied for disability and that gave her access to free health care. This was such a gift to us. At that point we got a doctor assigned to us that #1. believed us and #2 was willing to do whatever we wanted to trace this down. We have seen a round of specialists, heart, stomach, sleep, etc. She was found to not be digesting fast enough, the beginnings of asthma, polyps on her colon (which simply baffled the doctors because of her young age) and then last of all we saw an endocrinologist. He ran a gamut of tests and everything came back in the normal ranges EXCEPT for a vitamin D deficiency. (her level was at a 19 - normal levels are supposed to be 35 at the LOWEST and 50-75 for normal ranges)

He gave her a script for 50,000 IU's of vitamin D once a month and sent her on her way. She popped the first pill and we sighed - thinking it would do nothing. The next day she started feeling amazing. All her pain was gone in a little over 48 hours. She had a burst of energy like she had not felt for years.

We started reading. I have read everything on the Internet for the last 4 weeks. We found that a vitamin D deficiency ( which actually works as a hormone) could account for all the problems she was having. We soon found that the vitamin D that the doctor prescribed was actually not the best one to take and so we started supplementing with a liquid form of the vitamin in D3 form. Except for some stomach upset she is feeling amazing. It has been like a magic pill. For 4 weeks we have been holding our breath in trepid anticipation but it has continued to make her stronger, more clear headed, the pain has stayed away and her mood has gone from a 2-3 to a 9 or more. She feels like she has been given a new lease on life and even the greenness of the grass delights her.

I had a doctor that had actually run this Vitamin D(25-hydroxyvitamin D test, also called a 25(OH)D. (This is the test you want to order - there is another test of another kind of vitamin D that will not give you the measurements you need) I was at a higher level but at the time I just shrugged it off. Since Britt has been on this therapy I have also increased my vitamin D to 5,000IU a day. I immediately felt my mood lighten and hope return. It is crazy. I have read that those living in the north actually cannot make vitamin D by sunshine except from May till September because of the slant of the sun.

Anyway this is long enough. You can go to http://www.vitamindcouncil.org/ for the springboard to some good information.

Families and Toxic Churches

One of the things I have come to appreciate in my journey out of the institutional setting is my family. They are precious. They are funny. They are amazing. They are and have become so much more a part of my life. They are mine!

In our church we were subtlety taught to discount our extended flesh and blood families. That might horrify you but it was true. It came up in so many ways. We would call ourselves a family as we gathered together at church. The pastors would wax on about how THIS was true family. How our blood families just "did not get it" like our church family did. How true love could really be shared by those who "loved God" like we did. How, yes, we must honor our given families but we knew who our REAL family was.

There were those of us who would "bear through" family gatherings only to get together with our 'real' family later in the day. We judged them for their values, beliefs, customs and lives. We would roll our eyes and sigh about having to spend time with them. If we could - without guilt - divorce our old families we probably might have.

Then IF EVER there was a disagreement with our families about our leaders, our church, our beliefs or anything regarding our group/church we were sure that our leaders knew what they were talking about all along. I have seen children barely speak to their parents. Holidays spent with the church "family"/or leaders in lieu of spending time with one's own family. It is/was heartbreaking.

The erosion of these bonds was subtle. If asked, no one would have actually said to leave your family (except if the family was making it hard to stay in the group). No one would have gone on record to do that. But as you just hung around the group you caught the flavor. Little things were said.
"We wish you did not have to go to home, we will miss you at our gathering."
"I know you HAVE to go home this Christmas but maybe you can come back in time for our gathering."
"It must be hard to go back there and sit through their church....I'm so sorry."
"You know, you don't have to go to everything they plan."
"They should not expect you to just drop all the important stuff you are doing here to run to their little affairs."
"I know you would rather be here with us."
"Why do your parents seem to want you at everything?"
"You know...we need you here too."
"It is just not healthy for you to be there."
"Well...you know who really loves you."

Husband and I are trying to be a part of our families lives. We didn't realize just how much time we were taking away from our families and giving it to programs and other people. We simply did not realize the condescending attitudes we were giving off to our extended families. We did not realize just how precious and fun our family was.

I never again want to come in between a child and their parents. I want to do everything I can to encourage the involvement of a husband and wife with their own children or a young family with their parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents and such.

Our families are given to us by the Father. Make sure your church is promoting this. If you sense the other...RUN....Run back to your family. They need you and will still be there after all the others have left.

On New York and Discipleship

A couple of weeks ago I bravely boarded Amtrak and rolled into Penn Station, New York to visit a sweet friend. I guess New York has an event called 'Spa Week' where various spas put some of their services on sale for $50.00 apiece. Well I was lured by the idea of a $50.00 spa treatment, the idea of visiting with a few friends who used to belong to our former church here and the idea of seeing the city for the first time.

I loved it. I "twittered" that if I had 9 lives to live, one of them would be lived in New York. It felt like home to me which is just crazy as I have never lived in a big city.

Here's the part though that I wanted to write about here.

No one knew that it was my first trip to the City. Because they did not know this, they did not plan the usual touristy activities. They also did not point things out as we walked around Manhattan. Therefore I was left to wander around in amazement of all that I had heard about or read. I had no idea this would be so much fun for me.

We were walking to Boarders when I turned around and suddenly, there was Madison Square Gardens! Later that night we were wandering toward Times Square and I looked down one of the streets. Again, suddenly, seemingly from out of nowhere was the Empire State Building! Over and over I "discovered" buildings and parks that I had only heard about or read in magazines. Grand Central Station, The New York Times building, Central Park and others were simply 'stumbled upon' while we walked, talked and laughed with each other.

Now, there is another way to see the sites in New York. I saw these big open buses filled with people with tennis shoes, shorts and cameras around their necks. The driver's voice would boom out over the loud speaker, "If you look to your left, we are now approaching the Empire State Building" or other sites that he wanted the people to see.

I was so glad to not be on one of those buses and instead to be seeing New York the way I was.

Why?

It was not scripted. It was not sterile. It left everything to chance and serendipity. It was not the same experience that everyone else had. It was precious to me because I felt that I was discovering New York. It was not a pre-packaged, heard mentality, tourist experience.

As I pondered this on my way home on the train I realized that I had had the very same experience in being outside the institutional church walls these past two years. Nothing had been scripted. It was my own experience. What I have found out about God was mine. I went through it on my own timeline. There was no group mentality about it. When I ran into God it was not because he had "fallen" on the whole lot of us. No one told me to expect it, anticipate it or watch for it. Therefore, I have constantly been surprised, delighted and amazed when it happened. Frankly, I have loved it.

So many people would say that the way I saw New York was crazy. They would point out all the things I missed. They would be fearful that I would have gone to New York and not found the Empire State Building.

The church says the same things to those following Jesus outside of the normal way of doing things. They assure us that we will miss something. That God will be here or there and we will not see him. They are sure we should be on the bus with the rest of everyone so as to assure us the perfect experiences that we should all have.

But let me tell you what happened to me. When I turned that evening and looked down one of the beautifully crowded streets filled with the most amazing architecture and actually saw and then recognized the Empire State Building, something in my heart was stirred. I actually got tears in my eyes. It was wonderful and surprising and beautiful and serendipitous. It took my breath away.

Somehow I don't think the experience would have been the same on the bus with the announcers voice alerting me to the fact that it was up ahead and on my left.

And that is how I have experienced God these past few years. It has been wonderful,, surprising, beautiful and serendipitous. I have chaffed at how random and un-planned it has been. I thought I really liked order and buses, and tourist guides and pastors and bulletins and plans. But I guess that in the end, maybe I really did not know what I liked.

Maybe, just maybe, this will have something to do with what I believe about discipleship.

Easter - A Year Ago

One of the reasons I'm grateful for this blog is the ability to look back and remember what I was thinking and feeling a year ago. In answering a question yesterday of someone who was wondering how they felt about not being in a "church" this morning, I went back to my blog to see what I thought last year. It was good to see that I still agreed with myself a year later :)

For those of you who are new readers or maybe just now walking out of the setting your grew up in - here is my post from last year.

Easter 2008

I’m not in “Church” this Easter Sunday morning.

First time ever in my whole life. Since birth. Since conception.

I started my life in my mother’s arms in the service. I graduated into the nursery for the next few Easters. Then into the services. Sometimes three in one day. Sunrise service, Morning Services and Services at night.

I glued the stone onto the Sunday school paper, colored in the angel at the door, play acted the whole scene numerous times and sang with the children’s choir in the big service.

I graduated to singing in the choir for Easter Cantatas, and special music. Husband was in a “Last Supper” reenactment and acted as the lead, Peter in “The Witness” by Barry McGuire while I was in the chorus. We went on from there to putting on our own very small services in our new church plant in Michigan. Then 20 years here where Easter services were downplayed as silly and almost pagan in nature - but we were in "church".

So this morning, for the first time, out of an institutional church setting, I am wondering, really, what the day of Easter means to me and this has been truly refreshing.

The question of the morning for me has been, “How does the resurrection of Jesus affect me this morning?”

And in the answer to that question comes a depth of the most incredible peace and contentment that I have ever felt.

He did it. He did it to completely eradicate the need for me to do anything more than return his love for me. He did it to free me to be able to love others. He did it to show me that He was who he said he was. He did it to reconcile me to the Father who longed for a relationship with me. He did it to abolish the rules of religion. All of them.

And for that, on this first Easter day where Church Lady is not in a chair or a pew, I am so grateful. I am at peace.

I think if I am ever involved in an institutional setting again of believers that I will refuse to go to a meeting on Easter - Just to remind myself that He did it all. I can be at peace and full of gratefulness on this day where everyone else feels the need to do the “right” thing by going to see God at his house. I don’t need to.

Especially today of all days.

Happy Easter Everyone. He is Risen….I am free.

A Disciplined Life

I read this today in "The Inner Voice of Love" by Henri J. M. Nouwen. He says,

"To live a disciplined life is to live in such a way that you want only to be where God is with you."

I recoil when I hear the words "disciplined life." But in reading the rest of the sentence I thought to myself, "How utterly beautiful."

Discipline was always followed by the word "should" and never the word "want."
Discipline was always devoid of relationship.
Discipline was always about ME.
Discipline was like riding a roller coaster....there were up's and down's but eventually I always ended back where I started.
Discipline always lead to placing myself on a win - loss line.
Discipline always welcomed the inevitable comparisons to others.
Discipline or the lack of it always gave fodder for how I felt about myself that day.

So today as I reflect on the idea that it could be simply wanting to be where God is today in my life I realize that the concept of discipline can be totally revamped into something of simple beauty.

This discipline - as described in the above sentence is about want - not should
It is all about relationship.
It is all about Him.
It may actually take me somewhere - at least where He is going.
It destroys the win-loss line.
It compares itself to no one - not even myself.
It allows me to bask in how He feels about me today instead of how I feel about myself or how others may feel about me.

Loved....at rest.

The Road To Restoration

I have written this post 3 times now. Each time I see what I have written and delete it. I'm so frustrated with what is being thrown around about this wonderful word 'Restoration.'

We are in the midst of a restoring war. We argue and squabble about restoring this man or that man.

We are now restoring in public so everyone supposedly knows what is going on. All the sins will be aired. We even get to send in our hard earned money to fund this process.

We are restoring for YOUR EDIFICATION. We are told that this circus is to encourage us, build us up.

We stand on each side of a river with the sinner in the middle and throw mud balls at each other about the restoration process. One one side we have the (purportedly) side of Grace. The other side that of (again purportedly) a Pharisaical spirit. Say ONE word and you are thrown to one side or the other and handed a mud ball to join in the fun.

I know that no one has asked me what I think. But this is my blog so if you are reading you are going to hear what I think.

I think everyone needs to put down their mud. I think we need to go and get the man out of the middle of the river and take him away from all of the circus. He can't and won't be restored while he is standing there. It was the center stage in the circus that helped to create the problem in the first place. In the place of quiet where everything is stripped away and nothing is promised he will find a place of true restoration.

There was a man once named Saul that needed restoration. He was a murderer. I think he disappeared for quite a few years. He somehow found the heart of the Father there. He never had the same stage as he had before. But everyone can agree that he was restored.

There was a woman once that needed restoration. Her name was Barbara. She abused others in the Body. She has gone through a process of about 2 years of what I would call restoration. She won't have the same position as before. Her restoration was TO SOMEONE not to a place or office or a gift.

And therein is what I think everyone is missing. We are not to see the end of restoration as an end of being back at the same place where we started. Sometimes we mess up enough that it physically can't happen. How can you be restored to a wife when you have married another? How can you be restored to a ministry when you destroyed it on your way out. How can you be restored to being fake when everyone now knows who you really are?


The restoration process is to restore our HEART back to the One who loves us. If our goal is to restore a person back to where they started he will forever remain unchanged. If we have any goal other than to restore the heart - to the Father - we will miss our mark entirely.

Loving Others

I love How-To Books. I love the Food Channel. My family loves to watch the show How Do They Do That.

I think I love all these things because I'm at heart a teacher. Even though I hated most parts of homeschooling my kids, I loved the time when I explained a concept and they understood it. Still today, I love to break something hard to understand down into simple parts that can be grasped and then used effectively.

Most of my Christian life I have tried to find someone to break down this life into steps and formulas to live the "Abundant Christian Life." But I have found that this approach is severely flawed. I'm in the process of throwing out all the books on the Christian life, or marriage or child rearing that do this. They are dangerous. They are dangerous mostly because we stop relying on the Father for wisdom and begin relying on a set of rules or principals.

Jesus had this same problem. The religious instutions of his day had broken down life in God into nothing but rules and principals. So what did he do? He said that there were only 2 rules or things to do. Love God and love each other. That is it. Every time you read him saying that we should keep his commands - these are the two he is speaking of. I think even the apostles of old had a hard time just keeping it simple like this, but that is another post.

But at the risk of understanding that rules and principals have their flaws, can I tell you about one that I am using that has been amazing? (This actually came from the writings of Darrin Hufford - not original with me) This one is for the times that I wonder how to love someone - especially if they are being hard to love at the moment or have severly hurt me in the past.

I first think about someone that I truly love from the my heart. For you, pick someone that is easy to love. Someone that you would actually die for. Someone that everyone else knows is your favorite. For me, I choose someone that if they lie to me I am heartbroken, or if they speak harshly to me I am wounded. Someone that can get to me.

Then I take the love that I feel for this person and, like a pair of glasses, I try to view this other person who is being hard to love through the same lenses. I ask myself - How would Love behave to this person? If I loved this person as much as the one I do love, how would I treat them today?

Folks, I'm telling you, this works. It has worked to change my heart about those in my past that have wounded me, it changes my heart about the crazy driver in front of me or the kid on the street that is drunk and throwing away their life. I feel that it works ultimately because it is tapping into how the Father feels about this person.

The greatest thing about this is I have not turned into a mush-ball-of-love-and-gushy-ness. See, the one I truly love is one that I am ready to not only give to but also correct, protect them as well as confront them, touch them lovingly but also discipline them. I want their best and love lets me understand how to do that most effectively. It does not become weak in their presence - It becomes strong!

And don't think that you will become a doormat for everyone to walk over. See, true love has boundaries. Love will not allow someone to be abusive. Love sometimes walks away. It never takes its heart away but sometimes it has to leave for the other's good.

Anyway, would you try it out for me and let me know how it works for you? Ask yourself, "What would Love do here?"

Sin and the Breaking of Relationship

I have a feeling you are going to be reading a lot here about Love in the next little while. It may sound simple and boring but it has absolutely changed the way I think about EVERYTHING. It is like I have had one set of glasses on that colored everything in shades of gray but when these glasses of Love are worn, everything springs to color and life.

I hesitate to even begin to write about this because it feels like I have begun to understand something so very vast that it would be like saying I understand the ocean if my toes have gotten wet as I stand on the bubbly edge of a gentle wave lapping onto the sand.

Let me explain one train of thought as it relates to the concept of Sin.

I have always viewed sin as something that we do that falls short of a rule that God made. Sometimes this was an intentional act on our part, sometimes it was unintentional. Either way when we did this God was anywhere from mildly frustrated to totally consumed with rage toward us. Sin ultimately gave us the death penalty. Jesus had to die to allow God to even have contact with us. He had to kill his Son for our screw-up-ed-ness. No wonder he was pissed off.

But then I put on the glasses of Love and began to understand some things.

I believe the Father made us for relationship. I know relationship. I love it, value it and cherish it. Within this context, take for example that someone I love, someone I'm in close relationship with lies to me. True, there might be some anger, hurt, disappointment and such. But the greatest feeling is that something pure and right between us has been broken. A lie changes things. A lie breaks something. A lie becomes like a cancer - eating away at something that before, was whole.

Or take a situation where I get angry and I say a mean or degrading thing to someone I love. Inevitably something in our relationship gets broken. It is no longer the same and in some sense, can never be the same again even with an apology. The words are out there. They cannot be taken back.

If I understand sin between me and the Father (or another that I love) in this way it changes everything. Through the glasses of Love I start to see sin for what it really is and does. It breaks something valuable. It destroys relationship. It destroys oneness. It it heartbreaking. It devalues what we have together. This happens if it is between the Father and me or if it happens between my child and me or Husband and me.

Could it be that he sees sin like this? Could the act of Jesus coming to die for us be not one of a legal obligation that had to be fulfilled but of consuming love making a way for relationship to be restored? When he looks on our sin could he be looking on with compassion as the same way we would look upon a baby born to a mom on crack or a wasted life of drugs destroying a child's life and potential?

I have come to realize that if I can see sin through the eyes of love I have a small chance of understanding the Heart of the One that loves me and of actually being able to love someone else in the same way.

I'm Glad It Happened

Something is happening with me, or better put, something is happening within me. Both I guess.

I've not blogged for a bit here. I had to reintroduce myself to my blog sign-in page. Fortunately it still remembered me.

I've actually been busy with real life again. Real people that I can hug and touch.

Friends of old returned to stay with us for two wonderful weeks. I visited my Sister in the desert of Mexico and talked and laughed and ate wonderful Mexican food for a week. A former friend is beginning a wonderful new relationship with me. My youngest daughter has moved back into the house to go to school for a year. With her return has come a flood of her entourage (friends). Colorful sort that have cool blue hair (my favorite!), diverse religious affiliations, some with assorted sexual preferences and questionable drug choices but the sort that find myself absolutely loving to feed, hug and provide a place to play and crash. It is a great story of grace to have this child choose to live here again. Fingers crossed as we navigate the relationship in such close proximity.

So what is it that I'm glad has happened?

All of it. The painful last two years. The abandonment of many friends. The loss of all that I was before. The death (at least from what I can see) of Church Lady. The re-evaluating of everything I hold dear. The emptying of my theology. The tears. The repentance. The joy of finding simplicity. The ability to meet you all. So much more.

We were talking about some of those that we love still in the group that we left. So often we want to make contact and tell them that we love them. So often it is on the tips of our fingers to write to them and explain how they are missing out on the very heart of God. Then last night Husband said something that rocked my world. He said something to the effect that God has a plan for each of us to find HIM - to find His heart for us and that if we had not gone through EXACTLY what we went through we would not be in this place now. That it was only through this perfectly formed, sometimes very painful journey that we have come to the place where there is Peace and Grace and most of all Love. He said that if the Father was gracious enough to bring us to this point, he would also have the same plan to bring each of those we love to the same point.

He is so right. Without everything that happened to me through this past few years, I would have been happy to be Church Lady for the rest of my life. I would not have been in a place where I found that I could survive without depending on the 'church' to give me my identity. I would have never explored the depths of the love of my Father. I would have never understood Grace as I do today. I could have never loved like I'm now able to - albeit still faltering. I would have never allowed myself to love my daughters the way I can now. My friends would still be used to pamper my own importance.

So onto Spring. New beginnings. Dear friends are moving back into town. (I can't get over the feeling that this is monumental for us in some way.) A few, and very dear friendships, continue and are beginning. Daughter will fill my house with fire breathing, fire spinning, (See pictures!) kids.

So I am mostly content at this point. The fear of going without is fading. We have found somehow that this is enough - if that makes sense. We are waiting on God to see if there will ever be a "formal" group to belong to. I can see life with it and also without it, so either way is fine with me.

and at the end of it.....I'm Glad It Happened.