A Sense of Purpose - Painting with a Grey Pallet

As I look towards the New Year this year I find myself struggling with something that is always nagging me in the back of my mind. I realize that it is again one of those "voices" from the past that I still have yet to shake. It is the voice that taunts me, ridicules me, and whispers that I am no longer building anything significant with my life.

In my old church, every act we did was significant. We were the elite of God's Army. We were the ones who heard his voice and we were the ones that were in the process of bringing the Kingdom of God to earth in this day - no in this hour.

Every act of kindness did not stand on its own. Instead, every act of kindness was a blow against the enemy's kingdom.

If you served anyone or anywhere in the church, you were supporting the advance of God's kingdom.

If you gave money, you were planting seed that would be returned 10 or lately 100 fold.

If you gave a gift to the pastors it was not simply a gift. No, you were laying your gift at the feet of the Apostles.

If you sang on the worship team or even just in your seat it was not just a simple act of adoration. Here, you were breaking through the heavens so that the Kingdom of God could come down.

If you prayed you were doing an important job, you were binding and loosing. You were causing something to take place in the heavenlies.

If you were a good parent or a good spouse you were discipling hundreds by your example.

If you were righteous at work - if you did a good job - you were in the process of taking over that secular job for the Kingdom of God.

If you made money in your secular job you were a part of the transferring of the wealth of the Gentles to the Kingdom.

If you kept your home and yard clean it was a witness to your neighbors and thus you were taking part in the great harvest of souls.

If you drove a nice car you were showing the prosperity of the Lord that was promised to the saints.

EVERYTHING WAS IMPORTANT!!!!

This has been the hardest mindset to shake. In a way, it was so hyped up that it felt like a drug. Coming off the drug has made me feel dull. Dry. Worthless. Of no value.

What does my life matter? Kindness is simply kindness. Giving is simply giving. Prayer is simply conversation and worship is an intimate experience. It is all so un-glorious to the side of me that used to get all her importance from what she did.

I seem to be painting in a pallet of gray as opposed to the brilliant colors that were used in the past.

Part of me, I'm sure the drug addict side of me, longs for the brilliant colors of just a few years ago. Those colors made me feel so important - so vital to the work of God.

And so today as I wrote this out I realize that I want to be somewhere else a year from today. Here is where I want to end up next year:

I want God to take this seemingly gray pallet of colors that I now have in my hand and, with me, paint a beautiful picture. I think if I don't give up - If I continue to be faithful with the brush and colors he has given me - that He will miraculously cause my picture to come to life in the most beautiful colors ever imagined. It will exude His brilliance and all who look upon this picture will understand that a miracle has been wrought. They will understand that the simple strokes of gray have been made into color only by His hand.

Love at Work

Want to read something truly heartwarming this season? Go here to Outpouring of Faith at espn.com

Come and See What God Has Done!!!

How many of you have grown up in churches where the title of this post is often repeated over everything good that happens to the church or the people in it? We used to give testimonies of “What God had Done.” that week in our lives. Each year we ended the year on a time of giving thanks for all that God had done that year. We often shared our testimony with a non-Christian and filled it full of “what God had done” for us to the point that it made it look stupid to turn down such a God and his invitation to also participate in all the good he wanted to do for them. (I think we imagined that God did not do the same for them, just we who believed like us and especially those that attended our particular group.)

Something happened this month that has had me pondering this phrase. Husband reached the point in his business where the home office opened a new office for him here in our town. Their philosophy is that each financial representative needs to have their own office with their own administrative assistant so that the customers/investors will be personally taken care of. A small town approach to investing.

His office is beautiful. It looks like he has already achieved success. We have a prime location close to down town. If you didn’t know that the bulk of the funding came from the Company, you would assume that he is doing brilliantly at this new career of just 2 years.

But it has been the hardest thing he has ever endeavored. He sweated bullets to pass his Series 7 exams. He worked long hours going door to door and talking to new clients in the dead of winter. He has pushed himself to be a salesman while still trying to remain full of integrity. He has turned down profit for the good of the person sitting across the table. He has struggled with living with quotas and sales deadlines that never run his life before. And yes, he is right where the company feels he should be at this time. They are happy with him. Happy enough that they trust him to open an office downtown. But he has worked extremely hard. None of it has been easy.

See, we were taught that as we begin something there would be “favor” on us. We had tithed and given and were to reap 100 fold. We had been faithful and so God would be faithful to us. Everything good that happened in our lives was attributed to the goodness of God and his favor on our lives. The new office would have been “spun” something like this at our annual year end party:

We give praise to God for his favor on our lives this year. Husband's new office, the beauty of it, it’s prime location and everything. He is so good to us. We have sowed and are now reaping God’s blessing in our lives. Praise Him.


(makes you want to puke - right?)

But instead, this office and all that it stands for smacks of really hard work and really long hours by a man who is tired and often not very satisfied with his life. It has not felt like favor, it has felt like an emotional rollercoaster. It has not felt like reaping - especially since we don’t believe in that crap anymore.

The wild thing about it is that before I would have never had the guts to really say it. I would have only given the ‘spin’ and not the truth of how I really felt. And I think this speaks to the insidious nature of our conversation before we left. Everything was sugar coated. Everything was wrapped in a “God’s favor” colored wrapping paper that covered the truth of what was going on. Nothing was real. Nothing was hard and anyone who really told the truth was not “giving God the glory.”

So what do I believe about God in our year this year? I believe He is good. I believe when Marsh felt he could not go in the office another day that there was strength of a Father who loved him and did not keep him on a goal oriented treadmill - work does - God does not. I believe that the relationship that we have with Him (and each other) this year is stronger and more real. I believe that He has heard our prayers and empathized with our struggles. I believe the favor in our lives is the same favor that is enjoyed by all. It is not measured with success or wealth or circumstance that come to us but with an open invitation to have a relationship with Him. I have no more favor on my life than you do. I have no less than someone else. My relationship with Him is not determined by how giving I am. My relationship with others is. It is to them he asks me to give anyway.

Yes, “Come and Look at what God has Done.”

Then go and see my husband’s office and slap him on the back for all his hard work and perseverance.

And while you are there ask him what he knows of the Father's heart. To that he can speak.

(yes that is a real picture of his office!)

Church Exiters Site is Up!

WOW!

Dr. Barb Orlowski has her website up with all the research that she did on people who leave their churches under duress. Many of you took part in her survey.

It is an excellent resource of different books and articles that were published when she compiled her study. It is long but fascinating to browse through. I found some books that I would love to have on my shelf as well as more Internet sites to explore.

Check it out here at Church Exiters Ministering Restoration: Recovering Spiritual Harmony

Covenant Breaking, Covering Doctrines and Hearing the Voices Again

Grace, at Kingdom Grace today, posted a bit about Covering and what people say when you have a string of bad things that happen to you. It was great fun in the comments as we poked fun at the doctrine and I chimed in with my few cents.

But this is a serious matter people. I still am reeling from this doctrine. I think it has been the hardest one to extract myself from.

See the other day I decided to do a piece on the practice we had in my old ‘church’ of making covenants. In leaving our group we were to have “broken covenant’ with all the people there. So I was going to write about what covenants are and aren’t and how this doctrine was used to keep people from questioning and leaving our group. I wanted to remember all that was preached so I went onto our old church website (now under a new name) and found the latest sermon on Covenants.

Sure enough there had been one preached in June of this year. As I listened I grew more and more disheartened. Covenant breakers were the evil that the Church needed to purge. They were the reason the harvest of souls were blocked. Those who broke covenant had marriages that had failed, children doing drugs and rebellion, insanity promised and the onslaught of homosexuality and other sins that attached themselves to you.

I knew what was being preached was garbage but then my weekend unfurled. I battled with a daughter over a decision that was going to hurt her – a decision that would have been harder to make had she surrounded herself with Christian friends. Then on Monday, TWO TRUCKS in my business broke down. One had the axle (or something connected to the wheels) actually fall out of the truck. Then an irate customer who was threatening to sue my company for something she perceived we had done. By the end of the day I was exhausted.

But more than that….I was hearing the voices again. “All this has happened because you are a covenant breaker.” “If you were in the ‘church’ you would be protected.” “God knows what you have been writing and thinking and talking with people about. You have talked ill of the brothers and therefore all these things are being allowed to happen.”

I was so mad at myself. I was ashamed to admit that I still heard these things in my head. I was flabbergasted that this man’s voice could silence the truth that I knew to be true.

So….no big ending here. I am more sane today. Best Friend spoke truth to me, Husband reminded me of times that were even worse – while still in the system, an adopted daughter laughed with me at myself, Grace’s post made me laugh too and another friend made me question what is still in my heart that I don’t really believe about God that shows itself when things like this happen.

I guess I just write to let you know that the journey takes a couple of steps backwards every now and then. I think that I’m not the only one who struggles so don’t despair when you find yourself having to deal with it again.

The Scent of a Profit

For your early Christmas shopping I want to alert you to the wonders in the catalogue of the NAR. (New Apostolic Reformation) Fresh from the latest Letter to his Intercessors, Chuck Pierce has these for your purchase at the bottom of the page.

The text beside the pictures ARE NOT MADE UP!!!






"The Joy of Covenant" Candle & Anointing Oil


With God forming a new covenant we have made this new anointing oil. Filled with the fragrance of roses and lilies, this oil can be used as you pray for restored covenant or form new covenant. Then we also have a beautiful candle for $12 that goes with this oil. Or you can purchase BOTH for $20.


My Note: I was thinking of what scent would represent those of us accused of 'breaking covenant." Any thoughts out there?

And for those of you who actually believe that covenant was nailed down at the cross, maybe the Joy of Covenant candle and roll on oil is not your cup of tea. But wait....we have more:

Harvest Anointing Oil and Candle (Set)

The Harvest Candle and Anointing Oil represent the mindset that God is developing at this time in His people. We must move into a mindset of multiplication and harvest. Anoint your home, business, church, and friends with this anointing. Trim your wick and get ready for a visitation and increase!


I giggled every time I read that we are to anoint your home, business, church and friends with the Harvest oil. I can just imagine the drive by anointings that will happen to friends. Way too funny.

Do you have any oils or candles that you would like to add to the list? Like the roll on Control Oil...You smell it and never question again. Or the Chair O Authority Candle....the scent hits you like a brick. Or the Shunning Oil....you can roll it on or just spit it at people.

Seriously though, "Trim your wick and get ready for a visitation and increase?" You have got to be kidding me. We have actually begun to sell God here folks. Or what is this about "God forming a new covenant." I thought the old one was the last one. What new covenant are they talking about.

PEOPLE!!......Please stop this. You may be able to make a case that you are hearing God, although the "word" in the letter seems to me to be the same rehash of worn out phrases and empty, vague promises. But this. This is witchcraft...pure and simple. With a scent that cannot be pleasing to the Father.

The Fear of God

UPDATE: Please Read what Abmo has posted today on this topic. Go to this link: Fear

The fear of God has always been an uncomfortable place for me. I do get that God is so totally amazing and to be feared or reverenced. How can we not when we see the sky above us or the earth at our feet and understand the magnitude of our Creator?

But my background always painted God as a God to be feared for his judgement and wrath.

So it was with Joy that I read this verse in Psalms 130 this week. Joy and puzzlement. What do you think David meant when he said, "If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

btw: The word here for feared is not the word used for simply reverence. It goes beyond that word to mean to frighten, (make) afraid, see, terrible (act, -ness, thing)

Any thoughts?

Words

Words
Words
Words

They are written,
They are spoken,

We listen,
We question,
We discern,
We pray
We weep
We long.

Which are yours, Oh God
How do we tell?

I only know this.

There is a place in you where I don’t need to have words.
There is a place in you where I don’t need to hear words.
There is a place in you where I don't need to speak words.

That place is deep.
That place is quiet.
That place is dark.
That place is safe and full of peace.

I can feel only you.
I may not know much
But in you I hide.
Protect me there.
Please.

Words
Words
Words

They are written,
They are spoken.

I long for the day that I hear you.

Pastor Abandons His Church

Read here today.

ht: Backyard Missionary

Unveiling the New Apostolic Reformation

I keep a "Google ear" to the ground for anything dealing with the New Apostolic Reformation. The other day I ran across the above video by Bruce Wilson. I don't know who he is but from his site I see he was trying to discredit Sarah Palin by her ties to the NAR. That is not my reason for posting it today. I refuse to believe that she was a subversive attack of the NAR to take over the White House. (Honestly, I'm convinced that they would ultimately use a wealthy man instead.) I do think that once she had been named they probably gleefully decided that God was for them.

But I want you to listen to this video. Here is - in a nutshell - what they teach and preach. Even if I disagree with the intent of the video (to discredit Palin) I think it is a brilliant piece to expose what is being taught in these churches. Yes, it useses a large portion of a man's sermon who then layed hands on Sarah and prayed for her, but I have heard these very words and prayers in my own Church Left Behind. Exactly. Word for Word. If it was what I was taught in my group of 70 people in central Pennsylvania, you can be sure it is being taught from the top down.

Mr. Wilson is not pulling out of context anything that I could see. They actually say these things.

I cried while I watched it. Especially when Cindy Jacobs stated that the world will look at the wealth of the Church and be convinced. Oh My God!

To those of the NAR or thinking of belonging:

Watch this video and then BY YOURSELF pick up the Bible and read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and tell me if what you have seen in ANY WAY reflects what Jesus taught. Don't just look at individual verses that your leaders are giving you to back up their false claims. Read the whole book......in context.....as the book was meant to be read.